My son...what to Do...?

Have good grades always come easy to him and now he has to work and now maybe he is not feeling as *smart* as he had thought that he was? Just a thought. This is something that can happen with bright kids. But if I were you I would totally spy on him. Go through his texts and emails and even follow him if you can. There has to be a reason for this and I would be looking for clues everywhere.

sounds like he needs some counseling. he may going through some serious social/emotional issues, maybe even an identity crisis. could he be gay? he may be shutting down because he's hiding something from you that he's afraid to share. be open to him, let him know you love him unconditionally, and that he can tell you ANYTHING. hopefully he CAN! good luck to all of you.

I'm probably going to be in the minority here with my advice, but with 15 years experience working with high school kids I can tell you this thing happens. It's not fun for anyone involved either.

Although Cs may not be the grades that you want him to get, they're not failing grades. Are you sure that maybe he is placed incorrectly in the advance classes? As a teacher, I have seen several situations where the kids and parents think they need to pad their academic resume with the hardest possible classes only to realize that they're in levels that are too high and difficult for them. They shut down and give up because the workload is too much and wind up doing a poor or mediocre job. I can't tell you how many times a parent has said to me "Susie needs an AP on her transcript. Which one do you recommend?" when actually Susie has no business being in an AP course because it isn't her skill level. They take the AP class, are swamped with work and reading, get behind, do poorly on tests and assignments, and give up. It's an esteem-crusher for sure.

I know it is difficult for you to digest, but honestly, maybe try backing off a bit and see where that gets you guys. If you're always on his case about the bad grades, the homework, taking away the privileges, always checking his homework on the computer....maybe he feels completely suffocated by you and is shutting down as a result. It's one thing to be an involved parent but another to be over-involved one.

This may be very hard to swallow but perhaps he needs a 'soft fail' this quarter or semester. Let it be his choice to wreck his grades and have to bust his butt to bring them back up. He may learn a very valuable lesson about digging himself into a hole and trying to get back out of it. It may be painful for him, painful enough to know he doesn't want to do it ever again. Better now in high school when the stakes aren't so high than during his undergrad years when he needs to be developing his resume to get into law school.

You've done nearly all you can. It'll be hard but back off and let him be a young adult who learns from his decision-making, be it good or bad. Let him fail and be there to help him rebound.

Is your son in AP classes or pre AP classes?

AP classes are taught at a college level, but over 2 semesters.. Pre AP is more forgiving.. Usually AP classes are only offered to Juniors or Seniors in high school..
It would be difficult for any Sophomore to take that class load along with all of the other classes.. Remember in college they only take 4 to 5 courses each semester and the rest of the time can be devoted to study and research.. Your soneis taking 7 classes and expected to study for all of that each night.

It could be 3 AP classes are just too much.. There is a tremendous amount of reading every night and it goes at a runners pace, not a fast jog.. This can make for a lot of stress..

Colleges look to make sure the student took advanced classes, but it will not hurt if some of them were regular classes as long as each semester he tries to take at least 1 advanced class.

HE needs to speak with the instructor in this class and let them know he is struggling, which is a new thing for him.. He may find out that this instructor always makes the first 6 weeks super hard on purpose to see where they are in their study habits and to allow the students to see how much effort it is going to take to make a top grade.

C in an AP class is a high B in a regular class.. Keep that in mind.
He sounds like a good kid that is a good student overwhelmed with these classes. Taking things away is not helping him, it is punishing him.

Reading this post, I had a bit of a flashback to my high school years. They were horrendous.

I was curious as to why you start your post with the assertion that your son is 'failing' his classes if he's getting C grades, and not F's. If you only consider A's and B's to be passing grades, that's a heck of a lot of pressure on your son. Especially if he's carrying three advanced classes. I myself was placed in two advanced classes and had some interesting experiences: in the case of the first, the ENTIRE class was demoted due to poor grades (terrible teacher with no classroom management skills--- we weren't bad kids) and in the second instance, I was just way over my head and flunked out of the Advanced Chemistry course. It's the only class I've ever failed; I didn't have the math skills or teacher support to succeed. All this to say, he may be in over his head and might not know how to ask for help without feeling like a failure.

If you feel like you've tried what's in your repetoire, I've two suggestions to consider. First, read and learn the communication techniques in "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This will improve how you address your son, and help to draw him out. Second, consider sending him to a counselor (not a guidance counselor, but a licensed clinical social worker or therapist). If he's this unresponsive, he might be experiencing some depression, and having you and your husband angry at him isn't going to help the situation.

Sometimes the jump between grades can be huge. You didn't mention if this is a three-year or four-year high school, but that change can be difficult. It's also still September---when does school start in your neck of the woods? Here, we're still only 3 weeks in. Add to this that kids actually "lose" some knowledge during the summer break (this is a researched fact, btw) and have to get into the swing of things. If he's only been in school for a month and a half or so, getting C's and having his parents very obviously upset with him to the point that priviledges and property are being taken away, boy --that's got to feel pretty hopeless. I'd try to do a little detective work, stay as positively focused while he's dealing with this struggle, and let him know that you both still believe him to be, at his core, a good kid. (I'm not saying you aren't, but I know that I'd be incredibly hurt if my parents refused to even talk to me, that I'd upset them so with C grades.) It wouldn't surprise me if you are all feeling a bit hurt and frustrated. Perhaps I've missed the mark entirely, but I hope you know we are all here to support you and your family.

This is just off the top of my head, so it may not be worth much.

It sounds to me that he might be anxious, perhaps scared. He wouldn't know how to talk about that if he wanted to. Boys are not supposed to be scared. It's not cool. That's why some of them turn to alcohol and/or drugs.

It's a scary thing, though, to think that in not too long a time he'll have to take on grownup responsibilities, and won't be a kid any more. Advanced classes are, well, advanced, and perhaps he's afraid he can't cut it, so he's cutting the ground out from under his feet instead. No, that's not too bright, but the thing about teens is that they're not bright enough to be adults yet. (I think some older people aren't either, but that's a different matter.)

He might even feel as if he might fail the family he loves. Not that he could ever be a loser in your eyes, but it might be on his mind.

I wish you could somehow take him to the mountains for the weekend... or take him out of school for a "mental health day" and go play miniature golf or something ... anything to say, "Let's just get out from under for a while." No lectures, no questions (unless they're his), no manipulation - just rest, a change of environment, maybe a little fun with Mom and Dad. You can't make him talk to you, but you can be with him.

A dozen years ago, a career teacher (at a boys' school) named James Kelly wrote a book called "Respecting the Man the Boy Will Become." He taught (teaches?) at a Catholic school, and I'm not Catholic, but I like the book so much I wish I had found it while my sons were teens. He says over and over that "rarely will a kid tell you what he really needs and what he really feels. Frequently he doesn't know himself." But what he needs to know most is that he is loved. All other things being equal, hang in there, let him know that he's loved, and hopefully he'll get through this "dark night" soon. He can always catch up on his grades. They're not the most important part of him.

I agree, taking things away will just make him resentful and less likely to want to please you with good grades.

I would make an appointment with his guidance counselor. Work as a team to get his grades back up. Approach his teachers, can he stay after? Can he make up work? Be on his side. Ask HIM what you can do to help. Tutoring? There are a million programs for kids who want success and parents who will follow up. All of my teens are in AP classes as well, and they can be pretty intense.

Don't get mad, get empathetic!
He may just be feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know where to turn. Does he have a new girlfriend?

10th grade is tough, a LOT of homework, especially AP.
Guidance counselor's are there for just that. It's their job to guide your son and you through. Never be afraid to call them. And teachers as well. They all want your son to succeed as much as you do.

have you just tried talking to him... is the ap classes to hard... advanced classes get harder and harder.. ask him what's going on... find out if it's to hard.. my son was having trouble.. and i was going to take stuff away.. and he looked at me.. and said why can't you just get me help.. i feel like i'm falling behind.. taking stuff away isn't going to make me understand.. it's just mean to do that.. i'm trying but it's to hard.. so we got him help... moved him into only one advanced class... and now he is all a's.... he just couldn't handle all hard classes... he said he prefers all a's in reg. class.. instead of c and b in advanced... see.... maybe talking will help.. ask him.. don't yell.. it seems like he just needs to chill out a little... see if he can drop a class.. this may help.. ask him.. talk to him... tell him you want to help but you need to know what's going on.. good luck.. don't worry.. they go things.. is he still with the same friends.... ... ask him.. tlak to him... and give him a hug..

Talk with him.... see what is going on.
Talk with him.... not lecturing... just free talking stream of thought and see what he says.

Don't punish him unless you know what the problem is.... or he may get resentful and get even behavioral problems about it... and clam up with you and your Husband.

You will NOT know what is going on with him, unless you talk with him about it... and if he knows, you are not "against" him... but are with him.

You WANT to encourage communication.... 2 ways.

Not sure this will help you any but my DH is a VERY intelligent man...he has a unique mind and is able to retain information like nobody's business...you know one of those people who can answer all the Jeopardy questions (I am SO not like this)...unfortunately he was a C/D- student in HS...he just could care less about doing the work...he retained all the information and did great on tests but just didn't want to make the effort to do the work...his parents have stated many times how frustrating it was to watch him fail (with his brain they thought these grades were very unacceptable, his whole family have that same brain)...but my hubby knew what he wanted to do with his life and he did just that...he joined the Army straight out of HS...served his country and then came home and started in Community College and worked his way thru college...he is a Computer Programmer and makes us a very decent living...

Some kids no matter there smarts just don't want to apply themselves in school...we are having the very same problem with my youngest SS...he has inherited his father's brain and we are currently trying to convince him how awesome it would be to go to an ivy league school...he has the potential to do it, now we just have to find the drive...I sympathize with you, it is very frustrating!

Sometimes they have to fall down and in high shool he is still very safe to do that. He may have to really lose something in order to appreciate what he needs to do to graduate.
I say this as one who has a very bright 21 yo. I wanted him to be a lawyer, doctor, Computer Engineer, any engineer, he didn't, he failed, literally. I finally said there are four bootcamps, pick one. So he is now in the Navy and declared he will stay there until retirement. He has a direction, and he is happy. I quit harping on him.
Step back. Let him know that you know he can get A's and you expect that. Do not pay him for it. Ask him to join another team, swimming maybe or drama. If he says no just leave it at that.
They do listen to us. It is so hard when they dont' heed our direction though.
When he fails English, mine did, he gets put in the low English class and then has to do grammar.
Start talking nonchalantly about which college he wants to attend. Then together look on the internet at that college. Make it a mom and son night and just leave it at that. Hey bud, check this out. No harping, no pushing.
If he does fail and he may, then be ready to let him know his options.

Is he getting burned out? Maybe he needs a new sport? Does he have new friends in his life?

I'm not sure what advice to give as my kids are younger, but those thoughts came to mind. When I was in High School I went through a phase like that. I went from cheerleading to volleyball. I made new friends and things got better for me. Keep showing your support, but don't lecture. I would shut my parents out as soon as the lecturing began!

Above all, be supportive. Hugs go a long way too =-)

I haven't read the other's responses and I don't have a teenager (yet!) but I am still young enough to remember my sophomore yr of hs (not to mention my sophmore yr of college). My parents couldn't figure out my deal either :) All I can say is I grew out of it. Sometimes you just don't want to DO anymore. School, class, the same 'ol thing you have done for YEARS. If you are confident he isn't using drugs and he is still engaged with you and others in his life then I have a feeling everything will turn out OKAY. Sorry I can't help with the particulars of dealing with this but I do want to say your son sounds like a lovely kid who will grow up to be a great, contributing member of society.

Maybe you should write to Bill O'Reilly and Glen Beck and have them give him a little tough love?

Your son may be overwhelmed and stressed out by the heavy demands of his schedule. On the other hand, he may want to spend time learning in depth about the topics which do interest him, rather than skimming the wide variety of topics offered by his high school.

Have you considered allowing him take the CHSPE (California High School Proficiency Exam) later this year? It's a test that students in the second half of their 10th grade year or age 16 (or older) can take. Passing it gives the state issued equivalent of a high school diploma. If he passed that, he would be free to continue his education at the local community college, earning college credits without additional testing.

If the idea of changing his learning environment is of interest to you (and him), then you might want to attend the seminar on Oct. 2 with Diane Flynn Keith, Blake Boles (author of College without High School ) and career coach Marty Nemko in Palo Alto. You find information about the seminar at the Homefires website.

Carla - After reading your concern as a mom, a high school teacher & as a person not far out of high school who took all the hard classes...I am so moved by how involved you are in wanting your son to do his best. After reading responses, you have gotten a lot of good advice! Something I have noticed in my going on 7 years of teaching is that boys at sophomore year do tend to take more of a plunge when it comes to motivation & ability to focus. As you look at his grades - they have changed suddenly & I don't blame you for being startled! I also am sure that you are concerned that if they have dropped the way they have to a C average, what is to stop them from coming down more? Talk with him & a guidance counselor- specifically about how important his grades are in high school to getting into good colleges that will move him toward his career goal. 3 AP classes as a sophomore may be too much as well as a sophomore. I have watched high school students stress so much about what they do in the classroom that they don't have time to be teenagers & enjoy high school. They do do do do do until they get burned out. You said your son is/was on the wrestling team - if he is really into it, enlist the coach's help as well. Remember, if he wants to wrestle, he has to maintain a certain GPA to stay elligible. However, I was wondering if he was involved in any clubs that are suited toward his interest in history & politics? If not, see if there are any on his campus that are geared toward that - I know that on our campus we have Mock Trial (courtroom reenactment) & a Republican club. If there is no such club at his school at this point, encourage him to seek out a way to get one started...usually he would start with the school's ASB advisor in asking how he can get the balll rolling.
You said that you have tried everything from negative to positive reinforcement. It may be time to sit down with him & talk to him like he is an adult. Remind him of your concerns for his grades, but that it is obvious the motivation has to come from within him. After talking with the guidance counselor about what he has to do to get into college, give him space to make his own decisions about his grades (as long as they are maintained at C-average of course). The trick is going to be getting him to understand that you love him & he can come to you about anything. I know you come from the strong Italian family & that is awesome that family is so important. But at this age, kids don't think their parents "get it" - they feel that they will be judged by adults so they clam up instead of speaking up. Encourage him to talk to someone, even if that someone isn't you - it could be a teacher, friend, counselor....It is hard to let go, but as for me in my classroom, when I notice something isn't right about a student, I of course will ask if they are OK. Most of the time they tell me yes & I smile & tell them I know they are lying to me, but that I am always here if they need to talk. More often than not, they will come back & talk to me about what is going on.
Sorry - my point is, you can lead a horse to water, salt its oats & all that jazz, but if he doesn't want to drink, he won't. Just remind him of how much you love him, how proud you are of who he is & what he HAS accomplished & that you will always be there for him.

C., I am the mother of 5 and some are great at education and some casual.
Your son sounds very bright and may be going thru natural changes with his body, his emotions, and his hormones. Our peditrician told us with our son that boys go thru simular body changes and hormones as girls when they are about to begin thier periods. As for girlfriends 2 of my sons were so into sports and clubs that they were not into girls but had friends that were girls. As a strong family that shows love he is a lucky young man to have great examples which may be a interesting to his friends that do not have this example in thier own lives.
I am very impressed that he cares so much about our nation and as a future leader I appreciate all of his desire to know and understand the facts when so many youths are only voting on thier emotions and what they are told to believe. I appreciate his efforts. He is just at a change in his young life and be patient. I always say that parenthood is like a theme park ride with lots of twists and turns and a surprise at every turn, after the screams and fear passing the ride ends and what happens -- you get back on and go again. So don't worry mom he will be fine. Best Wishes

There is a documentary dealing with the pressure high school students face these days. Please do check it out. I am not blaming you but sometimes all the pressure combined from parents, teachers and society in general proved too overwhelming for sensitive kids. It is called race to nowhere. It might give you some insights.
http://www.racetonowhere.com/node/4494

Mom, if you son is starting to have falling grades in his advanced classes you, Dad and your son need to go in asap and talk to a guidence couselor about taking him out of the AP classes and get him bk into the regular classes. I would also get a good psychologist who works with teens primarily to start talking to him on a weekly basis, ask your Ped for a referral. For some reason your son has lost his interest and drive at school, you and Dad need to have a serious tall with him and be very honest, his new C average on his high school grades will not get him into good colleges let alone law school no matter how smart he is. Have you considered he may be he is suffering from depression. What are the friends he hangs with like, you say A students? if you are close to any of them you may want to talk to them on your own and voice your concern with them. Maybe they can give you some insight on what is happening with your boy. ALso just curious, when he was in to see the Pediat. did you have him drug tested? I would consider it, if he won't tell you and Dad what is going on ,and with his sudden disinterest in school, this is a sign of possbile involvement in drugs. Even though he may have told the pediatrician he does not do drugs, he may. Another thought, if your son does not have his driver's permit/license yet I would have Dad and you stit down and tell him you both have decided to hold off on allowing driver's ed until there is a dramatic improvement in grades for a few semesters. Finally, from the high school computer grading system you are chking on-line, is your boy just not doing homework. or is he doing poorly on it. THis report should also tell you how he is doing on tests and quizzes in each class, is he failing these or what is going on? The high school my teen daughter attends has a similar on-line grading system. It too allows parents full access to assignments, grades daily and all test and quiz results. I imagine your sons will tell you all of these things too if you know how to read the reports. Call guidance at his school if you do not know who to read it and let your son know you are doing this Lastly, just curious, over the summer did anything bad happen that would cause your son this tail-spin? were there any losses of friends of family members, marital problems, job loss of a parent, or problems with any of his siblings. Often something in a child or teens life can dramatically affect their ability to do well or focus at school. Mom, stay on top of this and get your son some help. Good luck.

It sounds like the 3 advanced classes may be taking a toll on him. If you are sure he isn't doing drugs or drinking, then I would sit him down and ask him if he feels like he may have bitten off more than he can chew. Depending on what kind of advance classes they are (AP classes vs regular "advance" classes) the grade could be on a sliding scale. For example, in AP classes a C grade is like getting a B in a regular class. There are a lot of pressures in High school and he may be feeling it right now and the best advice is to try to help him work through it. But also be firm and let him know that school work comes before free time (video games, tv, etc.). And see if there is anything you can do to help him with his homework, or see if he feels he may need a tutor.

Hi C.,
It should like he doesn't know what to do in his life. has he ever thought about being an exchange student? Maybe in Italy? Sometimes the best thing is giving a student like that time. Time to figure out what he really wants. Then when he comes back, he can redo the whole year. The way the situation at colleges is right now, a later time is probably better, because the of the baby boomers kids peak... I know of many young people who came back home with a new appreciation for everything they have at home. Good luck.

If your next plan doesn't work you may want to try counseling. Number one to check for is depression, you have mentioned a few key statements your son said that are spot on depression phrases. Maybe i'm wrong but its a possibility. If not, then a good counselor could get to the bottom of it. Many times kids cant open up fully with parents or figure out the full issues, no matter how good the communication and trust is between you.

C.,

Being very familiar with the high schools in the Burlingame area (as a graduate and someone who has a nephews and nieces currently at both schools) I would caution you - today's schools are NOT the high schools we experienced. The rigorous demands are too much stress for the most studious of teens.

I agree with those who have posted before me to open the lines of communication with your son. Stop lecturing. Treat him like school is his job. Would you try to "bribe" good performance from an employee? Would you lecture an employee? No. You would make a plan of action for improvement. Work with his counselor to help him create a plan of improvement which also includes your active parenting and support.Maybe reduce the class load. Is it really necessary to take three advanced classes? Too often, we tend to think of our high school kids as adults and think they can handle the demands of high school alone. I challenge you to read the class material and then think how you would approach the assignments so you and your husband understand the demands of 3 advanced classes. In reviewing my niece's AP text it was material I wasn't exposed to until college and I was an honor roll student through out high school.

Finally, if he isn't doing drugs, and he isn't drinking, let this slump in grades be what it is. Set firm expectations - and consequences - i.e. assignment not turned in? No electronics. Every thing turned in on time, he has his privileges. That being said, he is not his grades.

Finally, I would suggest his working with a good motivational coach who is trained in NLP who can help your son get his mojo back and steer him towards working in his intelligence strengths. When your son finds these resources within him he will have tools for life that can not be measured by grades earned in high school.

Has he taken on too much with those three advanced classes this year? Even if he's been accustomed to taking a heavy load, he's at an age when the hormones are changing and he may just need to consider taking a little less of a load for a while, so he can do better at what he's learning.
You mention having checked a lot of things, but one I don't see is how he feels about his teachers. Is there perhaps some conflict with a teacher or teachers.. or with fellow classmates... that is bothering him?
From the things you have mentioned doing, it almost sounds as if you started with the idea that a punishment/rewards routine would solve the problem. Perhaps you need to simply be there for him, love him and let him know you will help him and that you'll love him regardless of the grades he's bringing home. While you're doing this, remind him that his goal of being a lawyer will be easier to achieve if he keeps his grades up now. But ultimately, it's his life and he needs you to back off and let him live it, making his own mistakes and picking himself up when he falls... with your support there all the time of course.
It sounds like you've pretty much eliminated the possibility that there is a physical problem causing the grade drops, but have you had his emotional health checked out? Have you thought carefully about anything that has happened in his life, or the life of your family recently that may be contributing to this problem? Sometimes a seemingly small thing can set a person's emotions into a spin that the person himself doesn't even recognize as a problem.
I feel like I'm doing a bit of rambling here, but these are just some thoughts that came to my mind as I read your post. I don't know if anything I've said will be helpful but it might at least help you to begin thinking in different directions as you try to help your boy succeed.

You don't say whether the assignments are being completed and turned in. What is the teacher seeing in his work (if he's turning it in)? Is he truly struggling with the subjects, or just not interested? If its struggling with the subjects, then tutoring may be in order. If it's a lack of interest, then I would make school the ONLY thing he's allowed to do. From the time he comes home from school, it's snack and homework. check every problem on every page and if they're not completed and correct, then he does it until it is completed and/or correct. there would be no TV, phone, video games, etc. In fact, I would take that gaming system completely away and tell him when the grades come up, the game system can come back. So many kids these days rush through the school work to get to those stupid games. We don't own a gaming system and never will and will thereby bypass all of the arguments that go along with having one.

Hi there, Kids now have alot of stress and with the ecomomy, who knows he could be worrying about something. Even if its not in your family. And also what we eat has such an affect on our body. Keep those veggies and produce handy for him. These are tough times and it could be affecting him in some way. Patience, I'm sure it will be ok.
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