Off, That a Crucial but Delicate Conversation with My Son

First of all don't be embarrassed. Just have the good and bad touches talk with him. Explain to him that if anyone ever tries to touch him where his swimsuit touches him he should tell right away. If he ever feels that someone touches him in a way that makes him uncomfortable he should tell. He did nothing wrong and it's okay to tell.

This has been an ongoing conversation with all of my kids since they were old enough to walk/talk. The first time one of the kids hit one of the others, we talked about personal space and boundaries. The first time one of the kids grabbed and hugged the other and the other didn't want it, we talked about not touching people when they didn't want it. As soon as we started talking about sex, they knew that if someone ever touched them in a way that wasn't right, that they should tell someone.

You need to just tell him that if someone touches him in a bad way, that he needs to tell someone immediately.

We had ongoing communication with our daughter from day 1. No set specific time to have a talk about the birds and bees, communication is and should be an ongoing thing. She is 17 now.

Rest assured, at 10.5 your son knows a lot more than you think he does about sex and his body.

My thoughts were to keep my lines of communication WIDE open so that the information my daughter got would be facts from me... not hearsay from friends. She came home may times with questions she had regarding the hearsay at school.

We had ongoing talks about privacy, feeling uncomfortable, her body, etc when she was very young as well. I felt she needed to know that her body is her body and nothing to be ashamed of and no one was to compromise her at all.... If they did, to come to me and we would take care of things... and it would not be her fault.

Bottom line, just be open and talk to your son NOW. If you don't feel comfortable doing so, then do it when you are driving or walking in the park so you don't look him in the eye. He needs to be able to come to you and ask any type of question and let you know how he is feeling. Don't be embarrassed and don't be surprised at how much he already knows, fact plus hearsay.

This is an on-going conversation we should be having with our children. It's entirely possible he is aware of stranger danger and the concept of obvious perverts already. But there are other ideas you should talk about.

I would talk with him about enjoying himself at camp, meeting new adults and peers. He will be experiencing other peoples points of view, backgrounds and habits. All this should be great for him, while sometimes surprising. This is a great opportunity.

However, wherever we go in life, there may be people, male or female, adult or youth, who seem very nice and helpful. They get "too friendly", by touching, or at first, perhaps by sharing things that would seem to be inviting him into a secretive "adult" life, by sharing pornography, alcohol or even just rule breaking, because he "so special". At these times he should minimize contact with that person, and tell another adult if he think someone is getting "too close" to him, emotionally or physically. It doesn't matter if he is right or wrong about another person's intentions. The most important thing is that he feel comfortable about his contact with others and if he doesn't, he has every right to make himself feel safe by talking to another adult in charge, and then by calling you.

Yes. One reason children are particularly vulnerable in these types of situations is that we teach them to respect authority. In my mind, the single most important thing to stress to them (particularly before going to a camp, like you are referring to) is that It doesn't matter WHO it is. If someone does ANYthing that makes them uncomfortable or feel dirty or like it is wrong or ANYTHING that their gut says---'creepy..'. That not only is it "okay" but that they SHOULD tell them out loud- "I don't like ___. Get away from me". And then to go find someone else that they are comfortable with and TELL THEM what they said and why. That is all that is needed. There isn't a "list" of things that are okay to say "no" to... it's just if they feel weird or creeped out. They don't HAVE to "explain" it to anybody else or "prove" anything. They just have to get away from the person to a public place, and then they can call us.
And we name names when we say "it is okay to say that TO ______" if you get that feeling. It doesn't matter WHO.

Make it your problem, not his. Tell him you're concerned but realize it's probably just over-cautious mom-ness. Tell him you can't rest easy unless you remind him of certain things. Something like this:

"Hey, sweetie. I'm so excited for your camping trip! It should be a blast. Still, though, you gotta know this is a big step for me as your mom. Here you are, going off with all these people and I don't really know them -- and, still, I'm letting you go and not telling everyone I need to be a chaperone, too! Aren't you proud of me? One thing I need to talk about, though -- for my own peace of mind -- is about the chaperones and people you'll see there. We've talked about good touching & bad touching since you were little and you probably think you're too old to hear ANOTHER lecture about it. And you're probably right. But I still need to say it. So, if anyone -- and I mean ANYONE -- makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up or just gives you the creeps, don't wait and don't brush it off. Go find an adult you know and trust. Call me immediately. It's not about being right or not making waves -- it's about being safe. I really believe everything is fine but we live in a weird world and none of us ever know for sure. So, if you're uncomfortable and just don't feel right about a situation, there's probably a reason for it. Don't question your instincts, just make sure you're somewhere safe and call me."

We started having those types of conversations with our kids when they were toddlers. The older they got the more specific/detailed we would be with hypothetical situations of "bad" things that way they could identify what is "bad". The conversations were always an age appropriate normal progression of topics because there's too much for kids to ingest and retain if it's presented to them in one conversation. Since our kid knew where babies came from before Kindergarten it was much easier for them to identify "bad" things before they even started school.

Good luck!

Well, I'm sure by age 10.5 he knows all of the "nuts and bolts" terminology, etc. about his body.
Mine is 9 and laying a good foundation of factual anatomical information made connecting that "final dot" a LOT easier!
Tell him this: the part of his body that are typically covered by a bathing suit are his and his alone. No O. should touch his private areas and he shouldn't touch anyone else's bathing suit areas. If someone does, he needs to tell Mr. or Miss or Mrs. ABC (a teacher he already knows and trusts.
That should cover it.
Good luck.
The initiating the convo is the hardest part...after that it's fairly easy.

I think first off it is time that you have "the talk" with him. Honestly I have been talking to my girls about their bodies and such forever.

Anyway, just tell him that if anyone makes him uncomfortable - in ways that give him the creeps - talk to a teacher immediately. Also let him know that NO ONE is to touch him in the area covered by his underwear unless it is Medically necessary and if anyone says to "not tell" then TELL!!!

Don't freak him out by over doing it. Just be matter of fact and leave it as that.

My 4 year old has been told that "these are our private areas. Unless mommy tells you it's ok, nobody should touch those areas except you, the doctor or mommy. If someone touches you there, you tell me right away." I'm sure there's a more grown-up version of that same discussion that could be held with a 10 year old and that would suffice.

I have been explaining to my kids since they were very little, probably about 4 or so, about their bodies being theirs and that is it not appropriate for anyone else to touch them in any of their private areas and if they are uncomfortable by the way someone is hugging or touching them that they need to tell the person and if the person is not receptive to go to a trusted adult. At 10.5 I am sure your child knows what inapproriate touching is. I have always let them know that anything they are not comfortable with needs to be voiced and in NO WAY SHAPE or form is it right for ANYONE except mommy, daddy and their doctor to look or touch them in their private area and that is only if there is a problem in that area that needs to be addressed, such as a rash ect. Good Luck with the conversation!

Im sure at his age he can teach us a thing or two! Be honest and candid and make sure maybe he has another "safety" person like an uncle or godfather he can turn to if he is to embarrassed to talk to you guys.... oh and not to make you to scared, when we were adopting our first son one of our potential birthmoms was 11 and her "boyfriend" was 10.5..... so its not to early to talk about that either... but maybe when he gets back so he isnt overloaded!! Great Luck!

I started speaking to my girls about touching, body parts privacy etc. as soon as they could carry on a conversation. I have brought it up many times over the years adding information that is age appropriate.

There are two different subjects here, avoiding being abused and a disscussion of what you are calling the bird and the bees. As far as I'm concerned they are not even related in a child's mind and I don't think I've ever had a discussion with my kids that addressed both at the same time.

Talk to your boy immediately about privacy, being around people he may not know well and always listening to his inner voice. I don't mean to be rude but really you should have had that conversation many times already.

Finally I know it's a personal choice but really if he's 10.5 he needs to know about sex in general. You don't give him "all the information" at once, you talk openly in an age appropriate way over a period of years. Trust me he is already hearing a lot of stuff from peers that may or may not be accurate. You need to balance that with the facts and your family's opinions. Maybe try giving him a book and then talking about it together.

Gosh, my kids now are 12 and 9 (girl and boy) and for YEARS have been talking to them about this. From when they were VERY little, toddlers probably, I would tell them that no one can touch them anywhere their bathing suits cover. Those are "private parts" and only mom and dad and themselves can touch there. We also talked to them about not touching each other, and what "personal space" is and that everyone has their own space.

I have not had the sex talk with them yet, I'm planning on doing that with both of them separately this summer, and only what I believe is appropriate for their ages and maturity level.

As far as camp goes, you just need to have a normal conversation with him. My 12 yo dtr and hubby are on their way back from science camp as I type this. They have been gone since Wed morning.

Its more likely that if *something* were to happen to a child, it would be by someone already known to them, not a complete stranger. I think you just need to briefly speak to him so he knows your concerns and what he needs to be aware of. Good luck!

My daughter is almost six, and she is already aware of 'stranger danger' - which includes inappropriate touching as well as strangers approaching her for help. When she has has check-up, even our pedi streses the point that "ok, I'm going to check you here now (meaning her vaginia), but know that only a doctor or mommy/daddy are allowed to. No one else should touch you here". Let me note - this is when she has had UTIs - when we really need to check her.

Just let him know that if he ever feels physically uncomfortable in any situation (with adults AND peers), that he can always talk to you or a teacher if you aren't around. Let him know that some people are not nice to children, and that he never ever has to do anything that he feels is wrong. If he has has any bullying seminars in school, maybe you can associate it to that - i.e. - bullying is bad and so is inappropriate touching.

In a perfect world you'd hope that all adults in his camp are safe and trustworthy. **Sigh** that's not our world anymore.

This is different than the full blown birds and bees talk. He should know what his "private parts" are and that no one else is allowed to touch them! He probably already knows this even if you haven't told him! My son will be 10 this summer and we've had many casual talks about this. He needs to know that no matter what, he can tell you, that you are his mom and will protect him. He needs to tell you if anyone ever hurts him or makes him feel uncomfortable or touches his private parts.

I've had a very candid discussion with my 8 year old daughter about who can examine or touch her private areas. She knows full well that not even kissing is okay other than giving her mom, dad or brother a kiss or hug. She knows that if anyone makes her uncomfortable or she feels like something is off that she needs to go to an adult she trusts. She knows that no matter what she will always have my support and no matter if something happened to her or she just had a horrible inclination and that I will come to her. We've also had the discussion about peer pressure and funny enough she agrees with me that just because so and so kisses or does other things does not mean she will because she is a kid and that's for people who are dating or married.

I see no issue letting your son know that it is unacceptable for him to be in any situation that makes him uncomfortable and he is free to go to a trusted adult and if need be come home. More than likely he'll have a wonderful time.

I've been having the conversation about private parts and what to do if someone other than mom, dad and grandma touch private without our being there. My kids (6 and 3) understand this concept quite well.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your son about this. Try talking to him maybe the week before or earlier so you don't send him off thinking he's going to be in danger. Don't even discuss the trip at all, in fact. Just tell him he's a big kid now and there are some important things he needs to know.

I think Laura Berman handles this is a mature, intelligent and responsible way.

http://www.drlauraberman.com/sexual-health/talking-to-kid...

In my opinion it's best to start teaching them that type of stuff when they are quite young, always referring to it when appropriate times arise. By age 6 or 8 they should be pretty aware of stranger danger and of "sometimes even someone we know might try to...."
That way, by age 10, a gentle reminder before they run off to spend the night at someone elses house or something similar, is all that is warranted.
Even being around a bunch of cuckoo, giggly boys spending the night in a cabin together will be an eye opener for him as he will see and hear some pretty "different" stuff while they are all bunking together.
I'd probably just say something like "Well, you are off on a camping trip with a bunch of guys. You might see some silly stuff or hear stuff that we dont hear or see here at home. Your friends might tell some jokes, there might be a wet towel snapping contest, etc. Just remember you should still have your privacy if you need it, so don't let anyone make you think that you don't.." He might ask questions after you initiate that statement, and then you can answer appropriately.
You dont want to make him afraid right now since it's so close to the trip, so you might not even mention that trip, but just slip in the intellegence for the next few weeks while working up to the trip.

We started with the concept of privacy. I have girls ages 5 and 2. What parts of our body are private and that we don't show them to anyone but Mom, Dad and the Doctor (with mom or dad there). Also talked about how no one should ever touch our privates, not even to be silly or for fun. You can also talk to them about good touch and bad touch. How some things make you feel uncomfortable, like hitting, pinching, tickling too much, someone you don't like giving you a hug or kiss. Its okay to say, don't touch me like that. Something we have not talked about yet is parts other then our privates that are off limits, like thighs, chest, lower back, etc... This touch I would expect from pedophile grooming techniques...getting the child used to being touched in secondary or tertiary erogenous zones. Back rubs, massages, lingering hugs, etc... these are all things that can be the start of a problem. Teaching child that quick hugs, high fives, shoulder hugs, and appropriate, and if an adult wants to touch you more then that to talk to Mom and Dad or a trusted Teacher.

This world is a scary place and I've determined to not let my kids go on sleepovers (outside of Grandparents and trusted family and a few close friends) without being a volunteer part of the group. Its just not a risk I'm willing to take.

Even if the adults are fine, kids are curious and exposed to sexual images and tv shows ALL THE TIME. That's just asking for trouble. And because of this, 10 years old is not too young to understand about sex. I'm at the point of talking to my 5 year old about it, and she is very sheltered from TV and ads. But I want her first knowledge to be from me and not the playground or someone molesting her. Check with your local library about books that talk to kids about sex, makes the conversation much easier if you can read it instead of telling them. :)

Best wishes!

Hello S., I feel you, and I have lived this moment in time. It is a sad state of affairs that we have to have this conversation with our children but we must. I ain't your mother but if I was I would say just what you have written. There is no need to explain why you are telling your son, just tell him. Children listen to US(their parents) the good and the bad. So if the situation should occurr they know what to do. If it doesn't he want need to use your advise on this trip but he will have it in his memory bank should he need it. That is what MOTHERS do we tell the TRUTH because bad things happen and we need to make sure our CHILDREN can handle themselves. So just say it and then go get some ice cream and enjoy the beautiful day with your son. Love always and forever. Mrs. R.

I've already started and my little ones are 2 & 4. I would have his dad have the conversation with him if you can (sometimes it more confortable coming man to man) but I tell my kids we are only allowed to be naked in the tub and NOONE is allowed to wash you but momy and daddy. Just be gentle when you work up the courage to appraoch it