Seeking Advise from Other Moms

This is very normal i used to baby sit 2 boys who would kiss on each others butts when in the bath tub. I have had children in day care who would hump the mats at nap time. this is very normal but just talk to them and tell them its not something you do around other people.

Dear J.,

I have had lots of time and experience with children, and I am sorry to say what you describe is not innocent child like experimentation. That bespeaks a greater knowledge of the birds and the bees that should be way beyond their kin. The five year old must of been exposed to an inappropriate movie maybe by a babysitter or older playmate.

We talk about what are private parts in our family and how no one has any business especially a brother or sister touching them. The three year old can probably just fathom that. The five year old needs to be told very strongly that it is never ok to touch her brother. That it is normal to feel curious about the opposite sex but private parts stay private. If the children were naked I would consider a child psychologist to get to the bottom of their adult like behaviors. I have a ten year old who has masturbated in the tub and as a five year old on his bed. We told him that was a private behavior and he had to do it alone or in his room.
The five year old really needs to know she is there to protect her siblings and that behavior is NEVER ok between siblings. I wonder about the source of their education. I would be wondering hard where they were exposed.I don't agree with I don't agree with here is normal experimentation and I would not characterize this in that realm. I worry about someone showing your children things they certainly know they shouldn't.

Hi J..
Gosh, I know seeing that is heart wrenching. Seems though that they would have to have seen something like that to have done it. Anyway, my oldest daughter discovered "herself" while in the backseat. She would put her hand near her private area and squirm (she hated the seatbelt) it felt good she said. This drove me crazy. It was a fluke thing that she was discovered this "act". Once she discovered it, she obviously enjoyed doing it. I will ask her why and she will cry as she knows it is wrong, but as we all know, once you have felt "that feeling" likely you don't stop. nature I suppose. She hasn't done it in a while, but I have never told anyone she does it as I didn't know how to explain it was happening. I never knew anyone else who had went through something like this before.
I am so glad that I am not the only one who has experienced something like this.

I would also suggest the book Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About $ex (but were afraid they'd ask) by Justin Richardson and Mark A. Schuster. It's pretty comprehensive and also very reassuring. They have explanations AND recommendations for "humping games" situations. Good luck and try not to worry too much~

Oh wow! I really hope I am not too late for this. DO NOT make this a big deal. I actually remember doing this with my sister after a nap or something. Yes, it probably was after something I saw, but I had NO idea what I was doing. (Grew up in a very Christian home--church each weekend--never sexually abused, etc.) I think it was just more of a comforting feeling. Had my parents seen it they would have beat the heck out of me and probably would have scarred me for life. I honestly just remember it as a very wierd experience. Also, as a teacher especially, I feel it IS important to talk about sex when your kids do mention it. I just would make sure they initiate it and not you bringing it onto them too early. Believe me, THEY HAVE NO IDEA what they are doing and even though it sounds wierd it is just a self soothing thing NOT a sexual thing. Good luck and feel free to ask me any other questions.

I'm not wanting to downplay what's going on at all. I pray nothing has happened to your children. You can ask the 5 year old and she most likely will tell you. However, as for everyone saying it's abnormal. They have to have seen it somewhere (like somebody is doing something bad). Does anybody watch commericals anymore. The commercials for desperate housewives that play in the middle of the afternoon were something most women our age would have never seen on TV as children unless you saw HBO after 10 at night. It's not uncommon for children to see this. I think we look too much for something to be "wrong" with our children. Again, I don't think you should take it lightly, but also just pay attention to the background TV. You may be shocked. I was shocked at what used to come on Noggin after 6 o'clock. Now it stays on 24 hours, but my 13 year old niece was watching it and it made 90210 seem like Seaseme Street. I guess I'm just trying to be an optimist and hoping it's something she picked up from TV. Also, I explicitly remember as a young child "walking in" on my parents and I don't think they ever knew that I was in the room. Those type of things happen and children want to be like Mommy and Daddy. I really think the best bet is to have a talk with her and use your own instincts as a mom. They're usually right:-)

They are obviously acting out something they have seen somewhere. I would try to find out what they have seen and where they have seen it. This is not normal behavior for this age kids.

Best of luck!

I'd definitely talk to them individually. It would be interesting to know which one initiated it; my guess would be the five year old. When I was about her age, I became very curious after seeing my babysitter watch a soap opera. I remember it distinctly. My mom would have never watched something like that in front of me, but you just can't account for what they see when they're not around you. Try to get them to reveal where they got the idea or what made them curious. Of course, you'll want to talk about private parts and how those are private and not to be exposed to anyone other than mom and/or dad when bathing. I wouldn't make it out to be a huge deal to the kids, but definitely let them know that it's not acceptable in the future.

This is not a professional response but my kids touched tongues one day and I said, "that is only for mommies and daddies" and they have not done it again. You will have to monitor them to make sure they do not get naked around each other after that. Tell them that is not acceptable behavior b/c boys and girls have private parts and you better not see this happening again. Also, before your talk I would ask the 5 yr old where they saw that to mimick it. Say it very inquisitively so she wants to answer you, not angrily. When you find out where they saw it, eliminate that cause.

Good luck!

Hello J.,
Your story reminded me of something that happened to me when I was a little girl.My father walked in on my brother and I playing 'mommies and daddies'.As an adult looking back on something that happened over 40 years ago all I remember about it was the beating my father gave my brother and how so sorry I felt for him.I knew even as a little girl that we were not doing anything bad,just pretending,but obviously my parents did not see it that way.
What I am trying to say is that we live in an era where every action is scrutinised and more often or not we look for something that is not there.
It is perfectly normal for children to play doctors and nurses,for little ones to feel comfort in touching their own bodies.Our jobs as parents is to calmly tell the child that somethings although pleasurable are done in private.
Do not make an issue of it,if it happens again just sit them down and tell them in a language which they will understand,that what they are doing isnt very nice and then just let it go.
And please remember,children will mimic,but just because they do so doesnt mean they understand what they are mimicing.So there are no devious intentions just innocents exploring.
Best of luck

J.,

First there is "normal" sexuality but "we" adults aren't always that comfortable with it. As a counselor with over 10 years experience with child who have been sexually abused or have sexually abused other children, I think there is need to be concerned below. I hope all parents will look at the chart below to get an idea of acceptable and not acceptable.

First, I would be curious as a parent where my son saw this behavior to imitate. If he has seen his parents have intercourse (sorry if I offended you) or seen it on t.v. then this is most probably imitation of behaviors seen. If you do not think that he has been exposed to either t.v./movies or parents having this kind of sexualized behavior I think you should be concerned about where he saw it? Like a sitters house or something....You have to understand that I was a counselor of abused children and children with sexual offending behaviors for many years so I've seeen way more than you want to hear about. So, I am telling you where "red flags" are coming up for me. Not to alarm you but you can be proactive.

If he's seeing it at home you need to realize that children that age imitate EVERYTHING they see people do especially what goes on in the home. So, you may want to monitor his intake of visual stimulus if you get my drift.

COMMON SEXUAL BEHAVIORS
AGES 2-6

Do not have a strong sense of modesty, enjoys own nudity
Sexual play with children they know, such as playing “doctor”
Use elimination words with peers
Interested in sexual content in media (TV, movies, radio)
May explore body differences between girls and boys
Touch own genitals at home, in private
Curious about sexual and genital parts
Look at nude pictures
Touch their private parts, even in public
Interested in the opposite sex
Exhibit sex play with peers and siblings; playing “doctor”
Shy about undressing
Experience pleasure from touching their genitals

INFREQUENT SEXUAL BEHAVIORS AGES 2 - 12
Puts mouth on sex parts
Asks to engage in sex acts
Puts objects in rectum or vagina
***Imitates intercourse*****
Masturbates with objects
Undresses other people
Touches others’ sex parts after being told not to
Asks to watch sexually explicit television
Touches adults’ sex parts
Makes sexual sounds

Source of this information: http://www.ncsby.org/pages/publications/Sexual%20DEvlopme...

I know this may be alarming but don't take my word for it. Talk to your pediatrician and do some research online.

It is not expected behavior for 3 year olds to imitate sex. In my humble opinion, which you do not have to take for a grain of salt, I would be concerned about where he is seeing this to imitate it and start there. Have a nonalarming conversation with him about where he saw that and what he was doing to see if he can answer you...be very careful with his environment and get some professional advice! :)

Just like I said, IMHO!

D.

Tell your daughter that is not appropriate play and distract them with another game. That's about all you can do. Don't worry it's just a phase and if you tell them it's not appropriate, they will stop. Good Luck