Our son is almost 3 and he knows that everybody needs their privacy sometimes. We've also taught him that only mommy and daddy can clean him during baths and after toileting. A teacher might help after a poopy. My question is this. He spends a lot more time outside of the home now (school, toddler program at church, etc). With that, he's coming into contact with more caregivers and I know time spent with other kids and adults will only start increasing from this point on. We've also been teaching him that he needs to respect authority. With all this in mind, how do we age-appropriately teach him that it's okay to say "no" if someone is making him feel uncomfortable and without going into too much detail? We don't want him to mistrust people. At the same time, we want to equip him with the skills and language to resist someone with bad intentions or to come to us if God forbid, someone does something inappropriate. I'm kind of at a loss for the right language and phrases to use with him. Thanks for your thoughts in advance! :)
We started between 3 1/2 and 4. It has just been informal conversation while playing with him, or getting bathed and dressed and so on. Also we have been telling him "That's a private part, don't touch please" and gently moving his hand or foot if he touches us in a place we don't want to be touched in.
He has demonstrated to me several times that the message sunk in and we haven't had to make a big to do about it.
I think it's good you've already started. What I've always told my kids is that mommy & daddy can touch when helping wipe or helping bathe. The doctor can touch when mommy/daddy are with you. No one else should ever touch or ask you to show them your privates and you say not unless mommy/daddy say it's okay. That also includes siblings.
As a person who was sexually abused, I raised my girlz (4) and the granz that I am now raising (3 of 11) as well as the granz who were with me & asked ANY questions, to KNOW the diff as soon as they could communicate.
I agree that this isn't a one time talk, it's a continued learning experience as the child grows & becomes older with more situations that need answers, hopefully your talks as the child becomes older will pave the way for he/she to come to you with any/all questions about inappropriate/appropriate sexual encounters.
My kidz never have been mistrustful or shy but they have been taught when & why 'bad touching' needs to be dealt with immediately & then 'told' about.
i started to teach my daughter after i caught her male cousin (thats 3 years older then her) showing her himself and asking her to touch it. she was 3 then and is 4 now. she doesnt even like my inlaws touching her there even if its just to clean her.
We started early talking with our son about this. we simply tell him that no one is to touch his wee-wee. not a teacher, friend, aunt or uncle- no one. he needed to start cleaning himself with soap and a wash cloth if needed. And that even if someone said they would hurt mommy, you have to tell mommy, mommy is very strong and no one can hurt me for letting me know. We have these conversations, very brief, but every couple of months. Good Luck- its not easy but has to be done sadly
Good for you!!! There is also a dvd called Safe Side that is real good.
ALSO this is not just a *one time* talk. Watch the dvd often and talk about it often, especially while he is young. I actually have my calendar set on specific dates to talk to my kids (4,6, 7).
We call it real love and fake, since the feelings themselves can be good or bad. We also call the parts the bathing suit zone. That's it. I'm not sure if the prior is age appropriate, but the zone should be.
I think you are doing a great job! I would continue to just tell him its ok to say no if someone makes him feel upset/uncomfortable etc. ex. if someone tries to give him a hug and he doesn't want to--he can say no. I taught my kids from when they were learning to walk what good boundaries vs unhealthy ones were. Starting with body parts and its ok to say no to anyone who makes you uncomfortable.
M
I started by three. I may have started earlier, but don't think it got through. Three is good.
My son is 5 and we tell him that his body is his and it doesn't matter who it is if he doesn't want someone to look at his parts he doest have to let them. He can say know anytime, he bathes on his own because he wants his privacy. And also we tell him that absolutly NO ONE can look at his privates unless mommy or daddy are there.
The best thing to do is to make your son independent. That means teaching him to wipe himself and to wash himself in the bath. My kids toilet trained around their third birthdays and did their own wiping. They also did their own washing in the bath except for hair at that age. If no one needs to help them, then there's no reason for anyone to touch them and there will never be a question of whether that's a good or a bad touch, the only person to touch bathing suit areas should be a doctor.
When my daughter was in kindy and they did the Good Touch Bad Touch program, she came home saying what she learned and how only mom/dad/grandparents could touch here there like if she is washing. I told her that this rule did not apply and NO ONE could wash her there because she was capable of doing it herself, so no one else was allowed.
When we switched from a pediatrician to the family physician that we use now, every year at my son's physical, the doctor has told him that no one else can touch him there, unless he is at the doctor with a parent in the room.
We talked to my boys when they were 3 about being touched inappropriately, just an ongoing dialogue. We keep it simple, but serious. Teaching them young is really the best way to go. What kind of touching was okay, to say no, to not keep secrets for any adult or child who tries to touch them, that anything in the underwear area is NOT okay to be touched unless it is only for cleaning by a trusted caregiver, and if it is uncomfortable of goes on for too long, then to fight it and say stop and report it.... Only family and the Dr can see us naked, and only when bathing/changing clothes/getting a physical. We even tell our children to report if mom/dad/Dr is touching inappropriately, we want them to know we will listen to them and protect them and that noone is 'above the law' in respecting their privacy... and that they are required to respect other people and children's private parts... so they shouldn't touch another's private area.
Dr. Sears is an expert in this field and he has an article called "Genital play, what's normal and what's not". It has some great advice for you about talking to your children to consider here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-develo...
and:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-develo...
Go to www.kidpower.org. They have workshops about kid safety stating with kids your son's age. They have a lot of publications/resources available. You can email them your questions. Great organization.
