Note from School.

I just want to say thank you for taking this seriously and not being one of those parents who acts like their child can do no wrong. Also, this is very common and a very solvable problem, you seem to be handling it perfectly. Good luck!

I cant see the teacher sending him to the principals office for a first offense. Or a second or third. Must be more that is going on with him. You really need to see what is going on. I'd ask to view the recess from one of the classrooms. He needs that talk about how to treat girls and woman.

I'd ask the teacher to re-seat your son so they are not coming into contact. Then tell him to steer clear/ leave her alone.

I'm not sure what the issue is. If he didn't say anything to the girl, he wasn't picking on her. You need more information about what the teacher thinks is going on and what constitutes "picking on" another student in her classroom. You don't always get along with everyone. Is the girl annoying boys and they don't like that, either?

You need to find out the whole picture, because I don't understand the problem from what you posted.

Picking on, IMO, involves things like messing with someone all the time, namecalling, harassing, etc.

bravo.
i love your attitude.
face no face, smelly girl or not, nip it in the bud. please.

I think you should just keep repeating to him what you have already said, which is essentially to be kind.

I agree, no note, the girl will think he likes her.

You are modeling kind behavior; I think your boy will be fine.

I don't think you need to do anything more right now, but I do think you need to be alert to the possibility that there's more going on than you've heard about from your son. When you meet with the teacher, you may hear a completely different story. And that story may be the accurate one, or your son's story may be the accurate one, or it may be somewhere in between. Just be prepared to hear anything.

Oh, and he should apologize. If he can't remember, he should apologize again. It may have felt minor to him, but this girl clearly felt hurt, or the teacher wouldn't be on the case. So an apology is in order. Have him practice it with you: "I'm really sorry I did that. It won't happen again."

I think he's not too young to start thinking with compassion. It must be so hard to be this weird girl that people don't like. Can he think of good things about her? Maybe she has nice penmanship or shares every day with another child: some positive thing to get in his mind that could override the negative. This is the age when the herd mentality kicks in and it has to be battled at every turn, that's part of socialization at this time. My son is also in 4th, and talks about how he "hates" this one kid who is a serious handful. He is spottily medicated for ADD, has little personal hygiene, can be violent and mean, overall a hard person to be around. Every time my son brings him up, I say "it must be so hard to be that kid -- hard to sit still, misbehaving when you know it gets you in trouble, pushing people away... I feel sorry for him." I think it softens my son's attitude and makes him less likely to react meanly.

And definitely have your son write a note of apology.

if he writes her a note and she is how he says she is, she will start to bug him more, thinking he likes her. clearly the teacher is over-reacting, send him to the principals office for making a face when asked to pick up someone else's paper that the other person dropped (really?) thats not getting in trouble at school, thats petty and simply something that kids do. maybe ask the teacher to move your son to a seat further from her? the teacher also needs to talk to the girl, she can't be running around annoying all the boys and thinking that they shouldn't react at all.

Please speak with the teacher BEFORE assuming anything.
Chances are both she and the girl will have a very different take on what really happened, hence the "I can't remember" comment from your son. He's in trouble, and he knows it, so like most kids he knows he's been busted and now he's playing dumb.
You can't really deal with this until after you have all the facts, so wait until then to seek advice and decide how to handle it.

I think you've done enough.

The teacher said to talk to him, and you did. What more could you possibly speak to the teacher about? Are you trying to undermine her authority in the classroom? Make it harder for your son to tell you about what's happening in his life because you don't allow him to deal with the situation, but have to come in with guns a blazing?

Making him give her a note will only cause trouble. She "wants all the boys to be her boyfriend," and you want your son to give her a NOTE? This is a bad idea that has the potential to cause a lot of drama and distraction in class. Just don't.

Just tell your son to leave this girl alone and not to make faces or make fun. Then let it be.

The teacher should be discussing with you and not sending home random notes.

What are the consequences for his bullying? Why hasn't he been to the principle yet? How about extra assignments or missing recess? When you have "repeatedly" told him to stop, why haven't you grounded him or taken away priviledges? Sounds like the next step is punishment. Frankly, an answer of "don't remember" would earn my child a punishment... disrespectful to me if nothing else. What are you waiting for?

The principle/teacher should have taken the kids aside and asked the girl if she would let him talk to her. If so, he should have been told to apologize. Since the situation seems to be escalating and not stoping, he should be doing something extra, ideally something to help the class and the girl, like staying late to clean the classroom or sort papers or something. But if I were the other Mom and this was going on, I would push for him to be seperated from my daughter. At our school, that is not fun, as he wouldn't be able to participate in any activities other than sitting in his desk across the room from her.

Yes, you need to nip this in the bud and let him know you won't tolerate it. Telling him isn't doing it, so he needs some consequences.

That aside, I think you need to have him walk through his thought process here. Why is he doing this? What is his reward? Do his friends laugh? Does the girl react in some way he likes? Does it make him feel popular? Get him to realize this is about him and his insecurites and not about the other girl. It would also help if theri classmates stood up for her and not the bully.

Well, your son has a good point in why he doesn't like this girl. Listen to the teacher FIRST before you talk about it. Then discuss what you said here. Your son's feelings are valid and you should tell the teacher this. He is also not a grown-up and doesn't have a poker face. That's valid too. Tell the teacher that you aren't trying to make excuses for your son not being nice to someone, but if this girl is trying to make the boys her boyfriends, your son doesn't have pretend that he likes her in order to make ADULTS happy, and that you will not tell her that he has to. In fact, you would prefer that he be allowed to keep his distance from this girl.

Stand strong here, mom. My guess is that the teacher is woefully ignorant about the entire issue with this girl. She needs to know it, and it's okay for you to tell her. You should also tell her to ASK your son why some things happen with him so that she doesn't make assumptions. She is obviously making assumptions.

By the way, do NOT make him write an apology to the girl. She'll start fawning all over him if you do...

Good luck,
Dawn

This is normal 4th grade stuff.

It is good you are working with him to understand proper behaviors and the behaviors that could get him in trouble..

It is a subtle thing sometimes.

One of my very best friends is an award winning elementary school teacher. She teaches 4th grade. She says you have to really stay on them about their behaviors, because even though they look and mostly act like they are fairly mature.. they are still children.

Their hormones are beginning to bubble up. They are frightened and confused about the changes in their bodies and their minds.

At her school, they had to stop allowing the 4th graders from giving valentine cards to each other.. It became a phenomenon that this grade level was sending overly emotional cards to each other, whether nice or not nice at all.. So instead the students make Valentines for their own families.

But once the group is in 5th grade.. it seems to settle down.

Go and speak with the teacher and find out exactly what she is witnessing. Also consider this book.. This is the time, that I introduced to to our daughter.. It is funny and has great information about proper behaviors.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Rude-Teenagers-Behavior-Grossin...

I think the teacher should have called or given you more information. She needs to be able to handle the situation, especially if yours is not a troublemaker kind of a kid.

M

Just wanted to say, I think you are doing ok, with this.

From what you have written, I am not seeing how this incident warrented all this attention. If it has been ongoing and the teacher explains that to you when you meet then maybe more action needs to be taken.

If your son is generally a good kid i'm wondering this there are multiple boys that ARE doing some chronic picking on, and maybe ds is involved in that a bit and maybe this is why the note.

as far as the note goes. i think that was a pretty fair way of dealing iwth it, Sending him to the principal over this ( atleast what you have written) seems extreme, and ignoring doesnt' seem like a good choice, and i'm guessing ( but could be wrong )that she has spoken to him/ the boys/ the whole class as some point about it.

I think an apology to the teacher maybe for being a pain when all she needed was for him to pick up the paper. I'm not sure an apology to the girl is a great idea. teacher might be able to give you insight into where that would just stir it all up or if that would teach both of them 9 ds and this girl) a lesson.

I think you should have him write a note of apology to the girl, but more is needed. Your son needs to learn empathy so he won't go around picking on or making fun of other people.

I would have him write an essay, pretending HE is the one being picked on. Empathy is the name of the game.

ETA: I just read some of the other responses and have revisited my response. The girl may get the wrong idea if he writes her a note, so maybe that's not such a good idea. But I still recommend that he write a paper pretending he is the one being picked on so he can take some time to THINK about what he's doing to others and how he's making them feel.

Sounds like he has a crush on her!

Typical 4th grade boy--I've got O. myself!