Not Sure How to Phrase This Question

Email title: Entertainment

Hey "other mom",

Just a few questions. What sort of things do you have planned for the boys? Is there anything specific DS needs to bring, like a swimsuit or his own nerf gun and darts?

Mom LillyM

Let her tell you what's up. If she mentions a movies and/or video games then ask what they are.

Good luck. :)

Call her up on the phone. It's better than the email approach. You have a right to ask and no, you shouldn't just trust.

I will tell you that I never let my kids go on sleepovers. Period. I just told people that this was my policy. That way I didn't have to choose between friends whose children were allowed to do stuff mine were not allowed to do. Also, there were kids with really varied temperments at these sleepovers and sometimes the moms just went into her bedroom and left them to their own devices (and wondered why there were meltdowns and blowups...) I was very aware that these kinds of sleepovers were accidents waiting to happen.

That's where I come from in my advice...

I have had some parents ask me ahead of time if I would be letting the kids watch movies and/or play video games, and if so what rating. While I never felt the need to do this myself I certainly wasn't offended when they asked, and I always respected their wishes.
My kids have always understood that we are more lax about certain things than other families, so if we needed to come up with another option we always did, no biggie.
ETA: I wouldn't do this by text, that's not a very good way to have a full conversation, and too much could be assumed or lost in translation. A phone call is more personal and gets your point across in a clearer way.

Part of the fun of sleepovers is, you stay up late, eat junk food and watch movies yes even if it something different from what you are used to. In our day, we dropped kids off for a sleepover. I never had trust issues, nor. did anyone I know. Are you being paranoid, yes. Soon we will have a society of paranoid young adults. Let your child enjoy the moment.

Updated

Part of the fun of sleepovers is, you stay up late, eat junk food and watch movies yes even if it something different from what you are used to. In our day, we dropped kids off for a sleepover. I never had trust issues, nor. did anyone I know. Are you being paranoid, yes. Soon we will have a society of paranoid young adults. Let your child enjoy the moment.

i encountered that a lot. i tended to be a more permissive parent, but didn't feel put out that my friends (and acquaintances) who rode closer herd checked on stuff. better to ask than for me to inadvertently allow something that would upset them.
just do it directly, and respectfully. 'marge, hope you don't mind me asking, but we don't allow a lot of the games and movies that many of johnny's friends like to watch. before i tell him yes or no, can you fill me in on what the evening's plans are? oh, i see, a fast and furious movie. that's not really on our approved list, but how about if johnny comes over for pizza and cake, and we pick him up before the movie starts?'
if they get twisted over it, they're the doofs, not you.
khairete
S.

Let me tell you a brief story....
I planned a Halloween themed sleep over for my son and his friends. It was the weekend before Halloween and I'm the mom who always took them trick-or-treating, but Halloween was on a school night.

I let the moms know that we would be having dinner, making popcorn. and watching old scary movies.
One mom FLIPPED!!!!!!
I think the boys were about 10-11. She said her son was NOT allowed to watch anything scary because it would give him bad dreams and traumatize him for life...............

I went to her house and let her watch the movies. She said, "THIS is what you were talking about?"

There was no Chainsaw Massacre, no Excorsist, no Jason and no Freddy Kruger. These movies were so old and so bad that they were hilarious. There was nothing graphic, mostly lots of dark and fog machines. One minute a man is sitting in front of the fire in a big house and the next minute, he's walking in the foggy woods for no apparent reason.

The mom gave her full permission once she saw what type of movies I was talking about.

If you have perameters, then I would call her and talk to her about it.
Don't tell her what she can and can't do in her own home, but ask her about what activities she will allow the kids to engage in. Let her know your son may not be comfortable with some of it, but give her a chance to explain and show you what they might be engaging in.
For my Halloween sleep over, I had little boys in sleeping bags on my living room floor. I had my sleeping bag on the couch. I stayed with them until they fell asleep. They didn't do any video games or anything because that wasn't on the party menu. Period. They still had a great time.

Talk to the mom. If you're truly worried about your child being uncomfortable, he doesn't have to go, but she may be willing to make some concessions. You never know.

Call her.

Best wishes.

Well I am the mom who will admit that I don't limit what my kids watch, play or listen to....now. I was more conscience of it with my older kids though, but with each kid I have become more and more lax, plus with much older kids it get's a heck of a lot harder to guard what is seen by the younger ones. So I don't fight it and we have lot's of discussions about lots of things.

Here's the thing, if you asked me what our plans were I would tell you. If you said you limit your son's exposure I would do everything in my power to honor that, except completely rearrange what we do. I'm okay with that, and have run into it on occasion, but you have to be honest upfront, and you also have to recognize that while I will do everything in my power to honor your wishes, something might get past me.

So talk to the mom, worst case your son can't go. Best case the other mom will get it and have no problem with it.

I disagree with the several who have suggested that this is your son's responsibility to follow house rules even when not at home. Even the best kids get nervous and intimidated around friends, and I don't know too many 9 year olds who will say to a group of friends that he's "not allowed".
Just call her and let her know that he isn't allowed to do or watch x,y,z, AFTER you ask what is on the agenda and find out it doesn't mesh with your standards. Completely within your right (and might I add, responsibilty) as a parent to make sure your children are safe in an environment that is not your own.

If you feel strongly about this, just call and ask..

Communication is a wonderful thing..

Since your child would be physically safe I really wouldn't worry. What is the worst that could happen if he sees a movie or plays a game that you believe is inappropriate. At 9 yo he is going to be exposed to lots of things that you may prefer him to not be exposed to but you really should trust that you have instilled your values in him.
Personally, I would be more concerned that the family has working fire alarms and if the family has a gun that it is locked and in a safe.

I don't "just trust" strangers with my kids. If it isn't someone I know shares my concerns and our morals, they don't go. There is more to be concerned about than just mere physical safety. Lifetime habits and addictions start with one exposure, usually around that age. It has nothing to do with sheltering...it has everything to do with being a responsible parent who knows the power of the draw of the internet and peer pressure. You can have very open, uncensored conversations about everything out there so your child knows and he / she knows they can ask you about anything at any time. CuKooRoo's story is one of my biggest fears. It's just not necessary.

What parent is going to admit to you - a clearly concerned, perhaps more conservative parent - that she lets her son watch YouTube, R-rated movies, etc etc etc? You can't change what people do in their own home.

I remember being in this situation when I was young and my parents had the same concerns. If it was someone my parents really didn't know, I left at midnight saying I had to get up early the next morning bc our family had plans. No biggie.

Mamazita said it pretty well. Ditto that! (esp. the phone call part.)

Ditto Mamazita. He's your son, just ask, by phone. Texts are so impersonal and this IS personal.

Also, at 9 your son should know what you allow and don't and speak up if something comes up, "I need to call my parents." (If he has a cell phone he doesn't even need to say he's going to.) Put the responsibility on him to practice the family guidelines on his own.

Call and use the good, good, bad approach....

"Hi Mary. Jimmy really wants to come to Joeys party and they seem to get along really well. I don't want to be a wet rag, but I just want to make sure the activities aren't more than what I allow here. Can you fill me in in the games/movies that will be involved?"

At your son's age I think the responsibility is on him to not play games that he knows are not allowed at home, and to speak up if they want to watch a movie that is outside of your comfort zone.

Remind your son of your rules for games and movies and then send him to the party.

I suggest that it's appropriate to share with the other parents each family's values and boundaries. I've done this when my daughter was growing up and now do it with my granddaughter's friends and family's. Just have a general conversation when you call to be sure that this has been planned with the parents approval. I and my daughter always talk with the parents about what is planned and our expectations before every "play date."

With time and experience we know each family well enough to not have to have much of a conversation.

At 9 yrs old, he already knows what you expect of him as far as behavior and what to watch, do, etc.

I do believe you are over thinking it, he is 9 yrs old. We can't leave our children in bubble wrap and expect them to come out at 18 knowing what to do in instances from experience.. I'm not saying you do that.... I know it is hard letting go. I have an 18 yr old and she is driving on the tollways in Dallas today and that scares the he-- out of me but I have to trust that I have taught her well.

Bottom line is that you do trust this family as far as keeping him safe. Does he have a cell phone? We used daughter's cell phone because she could text if there were issues we needed to be made aware of.

I have picked her up at 2am and after before... once when a mom allowed the girls to go run play of the golf course which is private property, joined a group of other boys and girls and ignored the consequences of tresspassing and the city curfew... (7th grade) and Once when a family we trusted took a group of girls to a haunted house which was about an hours drive away and they did not bring the girls home until 2am. They left that part of the schedule out. (8th grade)

Keep lines of communication open with your son so he feels comfortable to let you know what's going on and don't be embarrassed to go pick him up. We are parents, not best buddies!!

Good luck.

That is a tough one. My son has one friend who is not allowed to play the same video games or watch the same movies as the other boys. We try to have him sleep over when there won't be other kids over. I don't want the other kids to feel like it is his fault they can't have their fun and put the boy on the spot like that. I would just simply ask what the plans are and explain that your son is not allowed PG13.

I don't really like sleepovers, but I let my kid go. She is 9 also. Kids that age still have a hard time working out conflicts and the last sleepover she went to was a disaster and many kids called their parents and left in the middle of the night. My daughter stayed the whole night but was a basket case the next day (from sleep deprivation).

I didn't have a problem with movies, etc. As long as they are PG or G, I think they're okay. You could just ask what the rating of the movies are or say that you usually only allow G movies or just ask what moving they will be playing.

I will continue to let her go just because I think sleepovers are part of growing up and I remember having so much fun. I would hate to take that away from my kid even though some are better than others. Some of it also depends on the maturity level of your kid. Some kids are very mature at 9 and can handle more than others.

I suggest that since you don't let your son do a lot of what other kids are allowed to do that you simply just don't let him go. Otherwise only let him play with kids you are actually friends with the family. That way you won't be uncomfortable and kiddo won't see the stuff all his friends are allowed to see.

I know my sister kept her daughter very sheltered. She cut parts out of movies that she didn't like and recorded them on VCR tapes...it was a while ago..lol.

Anyway, her daughter ended up fine. Your son will too.

I have been on the other end of this.

We invited a friend over when both she and my dd were in kindergarten. My daughter was obsessed with High School Musical at the time. When the Mom dropped the girl off, she explained that my dd had introduced her dd to HSM and they had gone ahead and gotten her some HSM underwear (lol!).BUT she would did not, under any uncertain terms, want her dd watching HSM while at our house.
I was quite alarmed that a parent would have the nerve to tell me what to show at my house, especially since this insinuated that I was showing my dd something I shouldn't. I agreed to not show it, while explaining that it was a Disney musical and harmless.

We never invited that friend over again.

Simply ask. A phone call is better than a text.

We recently had this happen. Our 9 year old daughter was finally allowed to go on a sleepover. The mother is a volunteer and former worker at the school. I've been to her home.
When I picked up my daughter anoon the next day she had just got up, hair uncombed and had just finished eating. We had another engagement we were late for.
No big deal, part of being a kid, right? Later in the day my daughter started talking about the YouTube videos of dead animals the girl was showing her until 1am. Unsupervised YouTube access?????
Lesson learned, I will be asking in advance in the future.

If you don't agree with how others are parenting their kids, then you're probably going to need to find families with the same values as yours. I'm not sure how your son is going to be able to carry on friendships with kids that are allowed to see things your son is not. It will get old pretty quickly for the kids that have to censor everything they do and constantly have to cater to your sons limitations. It's also not fair to expect the whole group to change plans to suit just one person. So, I would say that you should probably skip out on the sleepover entirely.

Although, I'm curious, do you think he doesn't constantly hear about these things at school or sees them when out & about? You can't shelter them from everything. I respect how you're raising your son, but one night of "off limits" games or movies is not going to undo everything you've instilled in him. Actually, it's probably better to let him see it under supervision, so that he doesn't have the inevitable rebellion later down the road.

I can see a small dilemma, but in the end it is your responsibility to make sure your child is following what you are setting for rules and guide lines. I would just text a simple, hey I was just wondering what games/movies will be brig watched. I may just be a matter of you viewing something first. And if it is something you are not comfortable, you have no right to say, please don't because of my child... Just say, then we have to decline the offer, thank you anyways, and maybe send a card anyways, and do something fun with the family that night, so whe. The kids are talking about it in school. Of ey even do. He can say what he got to do that night instead. Just an idea.