Not Getting Attention

Sounds like you guys just need some alone time! I go through this feeling sometimes in my marriage (been happily married for almost 5 years). I just tell him that I feel like I have been needing more attention lately...talk to him about it, but don't demean or accuse him. try to use "I" instead of "you". And, I would definitely recommend a date alone...I know it's hard, especially with the little one, but sounds like it is much needed. About once every 4 to 6 months my husband will take a day off of work, I will find someone for the kiddo to be with for the day, and we will just do whatever we want...it's really revitalizing! Hope this helps :)

When you are going through something like this it seems so hard to think it is you that needs to change. So I am sorry to say it but, you are the only one that you have control over. You can't control your husband, and you shouldn't. He is working to keep you at home with your children. And you work hard too, I know. Some days you just need to get out. My advise is simple. Pray. Focus on your husband. Your first priority is to God, then your husband, then your children. (I'm not talking about the basic care of your children) Make your home peaceful when he gets in, give him some quiet time to relax and regroup after his day. Let him know you love him and that you are proud of him for his work and letting you have the option to stay home with the kids. If he likes physical touch, show him too. Someone else mentioned the book His Needs Her Needs, read it. Just remember you are the only one that you can control. Take action, don't let this get too far gone. I prayed for you. It is simple to sit and write what to do. It can seem overwhelming when you have to take action. It may not happen over night. But I can assure you that if you focus on his needs, you will have yours met, eventually, and that is definitely worth the discomfort, short term. Your family is worth it and you will set an example for your children that will last a lifetime.

My heart goes out to you. First of all, I recommend "Date Night".....yes, I know this can be hard to afford (sitters, the entertainment itself, etc.) especially on a one income family. However, find a way. Maybe friends and family can help with the sitter issue..... Honestly, once a week. Catch a burger and a movie.....or grab your fishing poles and a bucket of worms and head for a shoreline.....something...anything... dance lessons are cheap and once a week.....hit the arcade....or, send the kids to a sitter and just have an evening at home....rent movies, play video games, play dominoes, etc....BUT NO HOUSEWORK OR ANYTHING... TOTAL "US" TIME....it's ok to do something you wouldn't have even thought you would enjoy.... and, if you end up not enjoying it, ok.... so you have something to talk about!

Good luck!

O.k.... I am going to be the Devil's advocate - He works all day, he is tired, and when he gets home you want him to entertain/pay attention to you, care for the children and make you feel like you did 3 years ago. Sorry sister, he is tired too. It is very stressful to be the sole breadwinner, the responsibilty is all on him.
You are no longer the center of his universe - luckily, your kids are.
Good luck.
T.

Do you have someone that could take the kids overnight? I always found this to be helpful to reconnect. Get the kids out of the house. Cook dinner together or pick up a pizza and just be together. You don't have to go out or put any pressure on the night, just have fun.
My mother used to take my daughter for one night every other weekend. That might be a bit much for some families, but my daughter has a great relationship with her ggrandmother and my husband and I have never really had these types of problems. We just didn't wait until it got bad to take that time for ourselves. We also used this time to do work around the house together. Just doing it together makes everything more fun, even chores, and not having the little one to worry about let us get them done in half the time.
Also, we take turns sleeping in on the weekends. He sleeps Saturday and I sleep in on Sunday. That way we each get extra sleep and we don't have the morning fight of who has to get up. The one on one time with our daughter is always great fun too.
Good luck.

dear M.,
im sorry you going through this. unfortunately there is no manual to marriage nor to children. ive been married 8 years, just got over a real bad bought my self, and i think if you listen to these girls that have been married the longest youll do just fine. the problem with marriges nowadays is everyone is conditional. you set boundaries (no beating, no cheating) and everything else is just human. i think you need to laugh though. you remember with your children as well as your marrige ten years down the road your going to miss what you missed out on. there is no time like the present. dont take life too seriously.
i know you have a lot of book recomendations, and reading these gives alot of advice. im going to reomend one more. this is from an expwerienced gal, not a psychologist. the authors name is Erma Bombeck. the 2 books i recomend is "Motherhood, The Second Oldest Profession" and "A Marriage Made in Heaven, or too Tired for and Affair". Easy reading. small chapters. Very funny and light hearted. you can even rent them at the library, right after i return them. : ) Keep going.
M.

Hi M.,

I have a suggestion for you. My hubby and I can get in these slumps too where we are so tied up in our daily routine we just lose touch for a couple of weeks. But, just like yours, my husband is a great dad and I sometimes have to wave a bright flag and say, hello, over here!! So, I do this. After a long day, I will walk to him with a bottle of lotion and just tell him that its time for massages. We will give each other just a little ten minute massage each. Its perfect conversation time and catch up time. During your conversation, you can nicely and sweetly mention that you miss him that this was your little way of spending time with him, even if it is for just 20 minutes. Sometimes, that is all that we need to get our share. I hope this little suggestion helps and really, you can substitute this for most anything. Its short, sweet and quality time. Plus, you can still keep your eyes on the little ones.

M.
I would like to recommend an excellent website for you:
http://www.drirene.com
I trust you will find some information there which will benefit your relationship.
Jewel

I think we all go through this type of situation at one point or another. It's hard to balance wife, mommy and self, and it's probably hard for daddy to balance everything too.

First I recommend that you talk to him. Don't assume that he should know how you feel, he can't read your mind no matter how close you are. Second I agree that you need to have a "date night" where you can spend time together. Date night doesn't need to be expensive. My husband an I have a movie night usually once a week. After our son is in bed we put in a movie and snuggle on the couch. We are also fortunate to have my mother in law nearby and she babysits a few times a month so we can go out to dinner or a movie.

Regardless of what you do, it is important to make time for each other, not just tiem for sex, but time to be emotionally intimate, talk laugh etc!

I'm sure that your husband has no clue that you are feeling this way. Communication is the key to preventing built up resentment and further problems!

I agree that what you are feeling is totally normal, and I am sure that your husband would want you to talk to him about it!

I really don' thave any good advice. I am in the same boat too, I think most stay at home moms are. We just moved here and my husband wanted a huge house. We got it and call myself the property manager. I have no issues with the indoor stuff and childcare (two; one is 5 yo today with autism and the other is 3.5 yo), and carting kids around to school and therapy, and cooking. But now I have inherited all the outdoor work because he is so stressed at work. I too feel taken advantaged of as far as personal time in the bedroom. Life is not easy and you can just take it one moment at a time. Know that you are blessed to be home with your children. I think they get jeaulous honestly. Maybe consider counseling if you can. Hang in there, you are not alone. I wish i could offer more.

Hi M.,
I have been married for 71/2 yrs now and the best advice I can give you is ask your husband, "what's going on?" Don't wonder about things. Always keep your lines of comunication open. Let him know how you feel. Right now is a little tough for you both because you have the stress of handling T. little ones that need you. You and your husband are the foundation of your family and if you T. are not well, your children are not well either! Dedicate a day for you T. only once a week. Get a babysitter that you trust. Try to put your babies to bed early so you and him can have the extra time to chat re-connect and why not make love the it was your last time.

Best wishes,
Elisa

If you have family close by, visit with them for the day or at least most of it. Have him at home with the kids leave some milk so he can feed your child. He may have an awaking you will never know. Also have you told him what you feel? This is important also. Also see if you can have a friend over for visits not everyday of course but you may need some break time. Just to keep the gray hair from coming to soon. Take care of yourself. Good luck.

"I'm just waiting for him to come home to help me" Your tired and he's tired. Do you expect him to take over as soon as he comes through the door? If so, no wonder you run into this problem with a new baby. I was a stay at home mother also when my babies were young. I learned to give my husband a breather before expecting him to give me a break. He probably feels like he needs some attention. In most cases, there are exceptions, the more you give the more you get. Try it for awhile. When he walks in the door, put your arms around him and say "I'm so glad your home." Do not ask him to do anything. If nothing else it will blow his mind. It worked for me. Believe me, I know you are tired. I've been there, but when something is not working try a new approach. He may feel more like helping later if he get a chance to unwind.

Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. You need to read it.

You've gotten lots of advice, I see, and that's fantastic! There is one thing I've noticed about us women, myself included. We focus SO much on what WE need from our men, that sometimes we seem to forget about what our men need. He is tired too. Be glad he still pays attention in the bedroom, sister, that is a really good thing!

I would get the book. Read it, and go from there. When we take care of them, they all of a sudden start taking better care of us!!!

Good luck, and keep your chin up, it happens to all of us!!

AMEN Momma B!!! The Proper Care and Feeding of Husdands!!! Great book and advice!!

Obviously my advice is everything Momma B said and everything will be just fine, if you overcame the same situation before you can sure do it agian!!! Stay positive and strong!

You know alot of men are just like that! They will work so hard to get a woman, and once they do, they figure that they don't have to work anymore. I am on my 2nd marriage and I am 48 and he is 50, we have been married almost 2 yrs. I used to be the center of his world, to be honest it drove me crazy! We could be watching tv and I would look over and he would be watching me watch tv! I hated it! Now that we are married, he still looks in my direction more than I am comfortable with, but he doesn't hang all over me, or listen that well anymore! As long as you have his attention in the bedroom, he is probably not cheating, if you lose his attention there "you have problems" . otherwise he is just being a man, he already won the prize his job is done! Sad I know but the way it is for many men!

M.,

I just celebrated my 15-year wedding anniversary, yesterday. I agree - there are always ups and downs, some big, some small.

It's funny, because the day or two before, I caught a guest on a radio show, who wrote the book, "All Men See All Women Naked," or something like that. Later in the interview, he gave advice on how to "Divorce-proof your marriage." The DJ chick laughed, and said, "have sex all the time, always look sexy for your man, and cook him great dinners every night."
He laughed and explained, while that would be nice, his best advice is: 1) always be polite to one another, 2) do not demean or berate each other (calling each other names, or constantly nagging about stuff), and 3) though sexual touch is definitely a good thing, don't forget the non-sexual touches, like holding hands, rubbing of the back, etc. That physical touch is an easy way to stay connected.

I couldn't help but chuckle. . . my hubby's been really stressed out, lately - working O/T on a big project, and one of our favorite things to do lately: I scratch his head. :-D
It's funny. . . we'll be talking about something, and as soon as I dig my nails in his hair - he's at a loss for words, and has told me how wonderful it feels (once he can talk again).

My point in all this: I understand first-hand how stressful it is to keep the kids alive, not bleeding, and entertained all day.
For some reason, the first year with our second daughter was much more stressful to us than the first time around. Either way - having a new baby at home ALWAYS puts tension on a relationship, no matter how strong it is. Be sure to make "Mommy/Daddy Time." If you can't do date night or an overnighter (we never felt that we could, because of the whole breastfeeding thing), when you put the kids to bed, curl up on the couch with him, and ask him about his day (or scratch his head for him). :-)

Understand that as sole breadwinner, he's stressed, too. Most of your attention is on the kids, so it's very likely that he's feeling neglected, too, even if he can't verbalize it. I have a feeling that if you take the first step and can give him that little extra attention (and remember, it doesn't HAVE to be sex), it'll help both of you feel better.

Best of luck!
M.

Do you ever leave to run errans for the day. I suggest on a day he has off you leave him with the kids and let him know first hand what you go threw every day. I wouldnt leave for more than a few hours. Basically he works a full time job and you work a 24/7 job. Thats the job of a mom. God programed us to be the nurturing ones. Dosent mean that we need to be ran ragged. Sounds like you just need a break from the kids. Also when you find yourself falling out of love work at falling in love remind yourself of all the good things. I know if I am sitting at home all day that I start to feed the negative of our relationship and its a much happier situation if I dwell on the positive. Just tell him you need some more attention. And try to stop waiting for the clock. I use to do that and would get more up tight as 5:30 then 6 where is he??? Then I stoped watching the clock and life was alot better for me. If you stop thinking hes not your tag team member and its up to you, your outlook will be much brighter when he is spending time with the kids. And you can play family games with everyone. Good luck. Remember if you take divorce out of the equasion then you HAVE to work it out. Thats how the old timers did it. God Bless.

Morning M.;

I think what is happening is normal and will pass but at
7 months, it's time for a baby sitter and a night out
together!
As a man, I will tell you, that there are things that we
are just not equipped to handle. It isn't that we don't appreciate all that our wives do, it's just that our minds
are on other things!
Most of us just do not comprend all that a good wife goes
thru during the day>>hey, we're at work, work to make money for our family is our priority!
If you have family here, get one of them to take care of
the kids for a night or a weekend (weekend is best) and the
two of you just get away together. Not necessarily for sex,
but, to run on the beach or go out to dinner!
B. C

Hi M., First of all, what you are feeling is NORMAL. It is difficult to talk about; but the bottom line is that for nine months or so you were the center of attention... everyone was asking how you were and taking care of you - emotionally and physically. Now the focus is on this new baby and your older child, too. Your husband is trying to adjust to the change in the home - men are different creatures all together, and a lot of them just kind of shut down when they are unsure of how to deal with things. Someone else advised that you take off to run errands or have time for yourself, but as a momma of two small kids I know that can lead to feelings of neglect and guilt since you feel nobody can take care of the kids like you. It is also important not to treat the care of hte kids like some punishment or act of revenge on your husband... because that is how he will approach it as a result of that kind of behavior. Instead, enlist a good friend or family member to care for the kids for a little while once a week or a few times a month and go see a movie... go to the park... or even take time to do the grocery shopping together. Take interst in what is going on with him and share what is going on at home. Communication is key... good luck and don't worry, it will get better ;)

Hey M., In my opinion if you already tryed talking to him about how you feel then I would say that all you have left to do is to think on YOU. Don't think about divorce, yet. Try not to focus on your husband's attention and lack of understanding but rather focus on finding a way of entertainment that would help you release the stress of being at home with the kids. It is tiring! 24/7 and no help!!! We all need a break and he gets it when he comes home. So, think about it.

The first thing I would like to do, M., is to recommend a great book about relationships. It's called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr. One of the biggest problems facing couples today is that they really don't understand each other. Men just simply think and view things different than we do. One example is that men are typically ego driven so if you stroke his ego he most likely will respond. He is probably feeling a little unappreciated too. Also, men do not have the same instincts that we do regarding child care. They have a tendency to be direct and so it might help to be direct with him. Subtlety and hints usually do not work. Of course that doesn't mean confrontation, arguing or nagging. Instead talk openly and honestly in a safe, loving environment about how you are feeling and ask him how he feels. Selfishness is another issue in relationships that will cause severe problems. If you turn your focus on your husband and his needs and feelings you just might discover a renewed sense of yourself and of your marriage. He, most likely, will respond positively and begin meeting your needs as well. You see, M., it's about selflessness, not selfishness. I learned this the hard way. I hope this helps you. God bless!

Hi, I feel for you, I have been there myself. It's not easy. You are stressed, exhausted, and maybe even mildly depressed ( not a diagnosis, that is just how I get sometimes). And he is stressed, exhausted and maybe confused. What I have noticed with my husband is that if he feels appreciated for what he does, he will do more. Just sit him down, list all the things he does for you and gives up for you, and let him know you are aware and appreciative. It will go a long way. If you need him to do more things with the kids to help you, then let him know exactly what would help, and let him do it his way. If it's giving a bath, then get out of the bathroom and let him do it! (Just an example). And also, for your own personal attention from your husband, date nights are essential. Even if it is just putting the kids to bed early and having a late dinner by yourselves. It's not easy to have 2 little kids, but it does get better. Hope that helps.

Ask him whats wrong and tell him how you feel. Has something in his life changed recently (death in the family, problems at work, etc.)? That can make a man be distant. I can understand how you feel the same thing happened to me twice but the change then was adultry but thats not always the case so you really should talk to him before your emotions get the best of you. My fiance and I are going through the same thing right now but its me that has issues and no i'm not cheating i'm just tired from the everyday SAHM stuff and my mom died last year so i NEVER get a break and I don't talk to him about my problems so thats left him wondering whats goin on and we haven't had sex in awhile b/c i have no desire to do it when I feel so crappy about my own stupid issues, ok so my moms death isnt a stupid issue but me taking over a year to get over it i guess is. The reason i'm telling you about my life is to give you examples but every family is different. Talk to him, dont fight in front of the kids, and good luck hope yall work it out.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, I have only been married 6 years, so i'm no expert, but i do know that marriages have their slumps, and that these slumps usually revolve around the children. My husband and i are getting over our second slump, this time my pregnancy is bringing us back to life, when last time the pregnancy put us in one, never can tell. Best i can say is "tough it out", let him know you love him in little ways every day, and if he can't wait with you through the slump and meet you on the other side, it was not meant to be.

A two year old and a 7 month old can be VERY draining. I imagine at the end of the day, you feel like all you have done is meet the needs of others and have reached your limit. And you are probably tired of the kids clining to you all day and just want some personal space----I know I felt that way when mine were toddlers.

Men come home feeling tired and wore out from work and it gets harder when there are little ones that need constant attention. It really seems that the big thing for men is wanting validation and respect. It can be hard when you are tired, but a little goes a long way. Just ask him how his day was and ask his opinion on a few things and really try to listen to his answers. Men want to feel admired (they may never admit this). But just a tad of this seems to go a really long way with most of them. He wants to feel like he is your hero and that you really appreciate him. It may sound corny and 1950's, but men havn't really changed since then. Try building him up a little and he will probably come around. It doesn't take scads of time, even a 10 minute conversation while you are feeding the baby can do it.

There is a great Christian book called "For Women Only" I cannot think of the author. It is really short but has great advice on how men think and relating to husbands. I found it really enlightening. Thinking of you!

Hi,
Marriages have their ups and downs – just like everything else. You have to work on your togetherness. Your baby is still pretty young and your husband may be feeling left out as well. LOL I agree with some of the other ladies – you need sometime alone with him. My husband and I used to get creative with our outings together. Sometimes we would get a sitter in the morning, have breakfast out together and then do our shopping. Sometimes we would get my mom to come in and we would go away for the weekend. Sometimes we would get a sitter and go to dinner and a movie. A marriage can’t always be about paying the bills, cleaning the house, cooking the food, doing the yard work and raising the kids. You need to get a sitter and surprise him with some simple little “date” you have scheduled just for the two of you. Some men get tired of it all being on them to create the romance. You need some “we” time to hold it all together. You will both come home renewed. Best wishes.

I know you are getting alot of great responses, but I feel I must write also.

I remember the feeling after my second son was born, not jealous, not really left out, but something was not right- I tried talking to my husband but we were both so busy getting used to being parents that it took us a while before we both realized what was happening to us.

We were both lonely for each other's adult attention- he opened up that he would make love to me becasue , well, it is usually always nice but more importantly because he thought that was the most intimate we could ever be- but of course it was not satisfying our emotional needs from each other.

When our second was about six months old our sister in law offered to baby sit so my husband and I could go out on a date, her only request was that we not go to a movie. So we went on a picnic instead- we used to have an anniversary picnic, but since the children, we had not had one in well, two years.

It was wonderful- we talked we held hands we hugged- just hugged we talked. It was great. Try some of the other ideas, take a day off- leave him with the children for a day and so forth

To this day, our children are 12,10, 7 & 3, we try to go on a two to four dates a month- usually once a week, but some weeks it just cannot happen. We talk, we catch up with each other as adult partners in life not just marriage and sex.

But also try to reconnect to him and he may be feeling the same way. I came across a picture of my husband playing with the boys around this time ( I would get behind the camera to try to put myself in the event) anyway- the look on his face as he was looking right at me was this look of longing- an instant of reaching out with his eyes to me while he was enjoying playing with them. I never saw it until we opened up to each other.

God Bless,
M. V

If you think something is wrong always go with your gut instinct.It tells you the truth. Don't try to downplay anything you feel iin your hear. I have been with my husband 17 years and we have an amazing relationship. The key is communication, trust, and time together. Don't get me wrong we had some rough times in the beginning but no more.

Talk to him , hire a babysiteer if you must but have a date night twice a month even if it is just 2 hours. Just spend time togeher, talk, and keep your love strong. Always remember what made you fall in love in the beginning. Love is like a fire, if you work at it - it will always burn but if you forget about it - it can go out.

Take pride in your man and yourself. Get dressed when you know he is coming home. Look sexy and feel sexy. Do special little things for him to always let him know how much you need him and care about hiim. I used to stick little love notes and cards in my husbands lunch or truck so he would find them when he was at work. Just little things that can mean a lot.

Good luck.!

Men can also experience a form of post partum depression - stress, anxiety, etc... Maybe a doctor check up for him with some opening up to the doc. It may pass naturally, but why be miserable?

Hi...it sounds as if you are dealing with a husband that is depressed maybe. I know that with taking care of kids and the house sometimes we forget to take careof the most important relationship in our lives, the one we have with our mate. I know kids do not raise themselves but I did discover when I took time out for just me and him for the first hour after he got home it worked wonders. I called it my arsnic hour and as the kids got older they were used to the fact that choas and such had to stop for at least that first hour after dad got home. That was us time outside of the bedroom. We talked about anything and everything and discovered that we truly were each others best friend. It is really hard when they are so young but I still managed to arrange the household schedule to give us time. Then I got a friend to take care of the kids once in a while (I did the same for her :) and we just went to a movie, or shot pool, or went for a nice hike or whatever we both enjoyed and doing it with each other. I noticed when I took the time for us that he then began to take the time to try to help make it happen. I even get up early in the morning make him lunch and share that first cup of coffee with him and send him out the door with a "have a wonderful day sweetie." I also talk to him at lunch and keep it light. I want to create memorable times not trying times :))) You probably also do all that so maybe this won't help but if it does that's very cool :)))