Not Choosing Sides

Dear J.-

I had known my ex...his brother and sister...and his family since I was 13 years old. In fact, thru theatre in HS, I knew his sibs well before 'we' began dating. Ex and I were married almost 20 years.

I divorced my ex because he became an abusive drunk. There was an incident (of which his family was acutely aware) that resulted in my divorcing him.

Sadly, *I* have been cut from their lives. My eldest sons remain in contact to some degree...the rest of the kids do not.

I feel badly about this sometimes...as I was close to all of them LONG before my relationship with my ex.

**sigh**

His mom is now in her 90's...I expect we will go to her funeral.

I don't know...now, some years after the divorce has been final, I would think some contact would have been made...after all, I divorced *him*...not them...

I imagine it will be a delicate balance...particularly at first...but I would have liked to have had a door remain open.

Just my experience.

Best luck!
michele/cat

You did the right thing.
Im a firm believer that just because your family member gets a divorce you don't have to cut all ties to thier spouse.

I have two aunts that divorced my uncles, I still consider them my aunts. I am also very close to my brothers ex wife and her son... he still calls me Aunt Becky. Also I am close to my ex husbands family. My currant husband and I have gone out with my ex sister in laws many times. I still call his mom and talk to her about things. His grandparents, I still refer to them as Grandma and Grandpa... as does he to my Grandpa.

A divorce is between two people, that's it. Everyone surrounding them has the choice if they want to stay in contact or not. As you said he wasnt perfect either... why should she be the only one punished in this?

She may need someone and don't know where else to turn to. There is nothing wrong with being a friend or in contact with her or listen to her if she needs someone and you feel comfortable doing it. Next time I would just forget to tell your mom about the conversation :)

I think your response to her email was perfect.

I actually wish that families would get involved long before it gets to this point. You just made some very valid observations about how and why their marriage was breaking down. As you said, she wasn't right. If only he had enough people in his life to help him be a better husband when she still cared, things could have been different.

Your response to her email was fine. I think that you should refrain from speculation about what happened between them. You don't mean any harm, and it's certainly natural to be curious and to even discuss that with a trusted family member (your mother), but people respond differently to family mess. Nothing brings out the underlying venom like separation/divorce and death. Your mother--as awesomely wonderful as she is--has a different persepctive of marriage (for a number of reasons--generational, events in her own marriage, etc.). If you combine that with the fact that this is her family member (and whatever that might mean for her), you get a response that's gonna be different from yours. Also, you don't want to contribute--even unintentionally--to what could become a very hurtful rumor.

The wife is probably reaching out to you because you seemed to be less invested than some others and could be objective. She wants someone in her husband's camp to understand that she is not a terrible person. She has designated you a "safe place", even if you don't speak much. I think that you should respect her privacy by keeping confidential whatever she might share with you. You've already seen the harsh criticism that can come, even from your own lovely mommy.

It doesn't matter what she did, and it isn't your business. She has two children who are your family. Keep the actual issues out of it completely. Refuse to discuss them. Love those kids, because they're going through hell right now.

You did absolutely the right thing. Family love should be unconditional. It doesn't matter who did what. If she had an affair and she loses her marriage over it, then that is the consequence of her poor choices but family should be the safe place you can go with anything. Your compassion likely meant more than you can ever know to her.

I think you did the right thing. She's obviously conflicted and wants to reach out to his family, which has been her family too for the past several years. Perhaps she was trying to get you to ask 'what happened' and I suppose it's probably good that you did not. If she continues to write to you I'd probably respond if you feel comfortable but stay away from getting into the details since you are related to the husband.

I don't think offering to keep her at the same closeness she was before the separation was you overstepping boundaries or getting in the middle of it. She is still the Mother of those children and should be respected as such. If your family member was such a jerk and crappy husband... she's better off without him anyways.

I don't think you were wrong to respond to the e-mail. And I think you handled it just right - you let her know that you will always be her friend and you didn't ask for any details about what went wrong with the marriage. Just stick to the family/kids issues and leave the personal stuff between the husband and wife personal between the two of them.

Wow, this all sounds very complicated. Although you should never assume that she has cheated. It could also simply mean that she stood up for herself and the guy didn't like what she had to say, or maybe it was even something as "innocent" as even just flirting or talking to someone else. Again you do not know what happened. I think her email was a courteous explanation of why she will not be joining you. I doubt she was asking to take any side in the matter. I think her saying of being afraid of someone hating her would imply that everyone is aware of what has happened between them. You also mentioned that you are not very close. In that case maybe she was just apologizing for not being able to join you for the holidays or gathering the next time. I think you simply should have responded that you understand that you may not see her soon. I think the way you said she should never be afraid to talk to you is fine too.
It doesn't imply taking sides as long as she doesn't write back to explain what happened and asking you to forgive her. Again this sounds like a tough situation for both you and her, especially when there are children involved. I hope they resolve their differences and you are not faced with their problems. I don't think ignoring someone is the answer, that implies taking the side of the husband. I hope that was helpful.

I would have responded too, if I were you. I think she may have been reaching out . Its apparent that she may feel guilty about something,but it sounds like they both had some issues and the marriage may have not been healthy regardless. Obviously this does not condone her cheating if she did. Counseling might have helped them out. You were supportive, but also let her know that it is none of your business. When its a family thing, it always gets a little tricky. You don't know the whole story, so probably best not to discuss it . Things get around, feeling get hurt, etc. I don't think you did anything wrong though. You can always tell her that you don't blame her, but it probably is best that she talk with someone who is objective and not related or in this situation. Especially about this issue.

I think there is always two sides of the story, OF course right! Also they do have two boys so she is going to be in your lifes anyways, so why not get along right? If you wanna stay out of there business its only right you continue to have the relationship you did with her in the first place, Just dont get caught up in the middle ( like her/ him bitching to you and relating message's and so forth). And yes cheating is NEVER right, but she obv strayed away for a reason. so something was lacking and who knows if they tried to work at it, or it just ended in a fight. The point is everyone mess's up if its not cheating its something else, and if you weren't involved then you shouldn't be punished by having to lose a friend/family member. Also think of the situation if the roles were reversed and you were her, would you want your family members still to talk to you? how would you want them to treat you if this happened to you? so forth... Hope this helps...