I know when a person gives a gift, ya give it and that's the end of it, doesn't matter what the person does with it. And I'm usually the type of person that just gives with no strings attached. Or at least I'd like to think so. I give because I like to give. I like to think of myself as a gracious giver as well as receiver of such. Now here comes the But. But I don't really want to give a gift of money to my niece for her wedding. I'd give money if I were to give because she lives 900 miles away and she really doesn't need much in the way of home products. Plus, she said she wants money to help pay for their honeymoon.
She has two children - 8 and 10, she's 27. But that's not my problem with it. My problem with it is, she, like her mother and father, is a hedonist. They all think anyone that doesn't live and believe like them are missing out and that they have the real answer to living the good life. Every time I see her mother, my sister, she attacks me. She starts out very nice and then slam. If I don't respond she proceeds to attack one of my children. She thinks she better than me bc I don't have money like her, two big houses, etc. blah, blah.
My niece and her boyfriend went on their "honeymoon" a couple months before their wedding to Jamaica for their hedonism retreat. Which is their choice, but I think it's out there to put it mildly, whether it's for a honeymoon or whatever. I just don't believe in the hedonist way at all. It's their life, their choice. It's not something I even think about. But I feel kinda force to think about it now. I know everyone is different and they have their own life experiences. We hardly ever speak. She is obviously materialistic. I guess you'd say that about any hedonist.
But now I feel like I'm obligated to give for their so called honeymoon which I don't believe in. (I heard that for their ceremony they had a friend dress up as a pimp with the velvet suit and hat, gloves, sunglasses - like he was a actor acting out a 70's pimp. And just said, do you take her, do you take him. Now you're married.) I really don't know why they bothered.
So do you think I should actually send a money gift or just pretend it never happened. I really want to pretend and not send anything, why should I help them pay their bill for a honeymoon that is hardly a honeymoon. But there is that part of me that says well, it's their life and they are family and I was invited to the wedding. (which I didn't attend) Maybe I'm just looking for a reason not to spend/send money to them. I really don't have it to spend and especially on something like this. Do you think there are exceptions as in a case like this? To send money, or not to send money - what do you think? If I send a gift it won't be taken as worthy bc of their attitude, they'd just htink it cheap. She made it clear they really want money.
I hope this makes sense. Didn't mean to write so much. I'm very tired, can't believe I'm still up. Must sleep
Dawn- Sorry, guess I thought the word in the title and used in the post would kinda say it all. Dawn, you're right. I guess it's hard for me bc it's family and I don't want to be talked about bc I didn't send $. But you're right, I shouldn't care. Hard w/family sometimes even at my age. Guess it's strange to me in a way, that most all other family went and t
hey pretend that their sister and her adult children don't live the life they do, yet I sometimes get caught in it.
Dad on purpose- Get Real! I see you found a need to count. You are assuming a lot. These people have put me through a lot of sh__ and I happen to care about them. I'm not judging it I'm using their words, they're proud to be materialist, and materialist are not always and actually rarely rich with money. You don't know what a true materialist or hedonist is apparently. Oh there I go again using those words #8. Christmas, what makes you think they give a flyin' flip about such. You really think this is about just judging and that there hasn't been any on their part. I've never said anything to them about their choices but they sure attack mine. Regardless I question funding their choices, very one has some boundary line. Get Real
Anita - This is her first marriage. She and her new husband and her parents (my sister) are hedonist and they went to a hedonist resort. My sister and her husband have been hedonist for many years. They have many sexual partners and now that they're older they pride themselves in teaching, which means having sex in front of a group.
Shirley - What a great idea! This is her first wedding. But I still this is what I'll do.
Getting married is not an excuse to make ransom demands.
Just send her a $20 crystal candy dish and be done with it.
You are not obligated to send her money even if it's her preference.
A present doesn't have to be practical or something she needs.
You don't care for or about these people regardless of the fact that you are related to them. You don't approve of their beliefs or their lifestyle choices.
Why do you care what they think about you for not sending money for their wedding? Given the differences and distance between you I don't thing it will make a difference whether you send them a gift or not. So don't.
wooooooooooooooooooooweeeeeeeeeeee. For being offended in even have to *THINK* about hedonism, you sure do mention it alot.
Titillating, isn't it?
By my count, you mention hedonism 7 times (including the one in the title to make sure everyone read your post).
You also called her materialistic, judgmental and uppity.
So Aunt C., do you ask all of your relatives their sexual history before you give a gift? Or are you going to rely on "she's so open about it" that you just can't get over your disgust?
What if she had a gay wedding - would you say she's being too open about who's in her bed and have the same gift dilemna? What if she married a black man - would she be putting her bedroom activities out there to offend you?
If your gift giving depends on meeting your moral standard, then skip it (and you can keep my christmas gift too). If you give gifts to celebrate some occassion, then give.
_______________________________
My bad. I forgot about the axiom "Two wrongs make a right". You go right ahead and judge her since she judged you first. :)
C.,
It doesn't matter if she made it clear she wants money. The bride, for all of the other entitlements generally granted her during this special occasion, does not get to demand money from her guests.
Separate your feelings about their lifestyle, to the extent you can, and then ask yourself whether or not giving a gift is something you *really* want to do.
If the answer is no or if you truly cannot afford it, then let it go, and don't continue to second guess yourself.
If you decide you do want to give something, how about a gift card to Lowe's or Home Depot? Easy and inexpensive to mail. If they own a home (or even if they rent), there's always some home repair or project, so it would be a thoughful and useful gift.
If you go this route, decide what you can afford and don't let anyone try to guilt you into thinking it isn't enough. The mere act of taking time from your day to buy and send them something is more than enough. If they are so ill-mannered as to dismiss your thoughtfulness, you have to ask yourself how much energy you want to continue to put into any sort of relationship with them.
Hope this helps.
J. F.
I'm a bit confused. Is she a hedonist or did they vacation at the Jamaicain resort called "Hedonism" or both?
I wouldn't send money if I didn't want to do so. Is this a second marriage for your niece? Gift-giving etiquette for second marriages is that a gift does not have to be given. You need to send a written letter of congratulations, and that is all. If you wish to give a gift, that's fine. However, etiquette does not dictate any obligation to do so even when invited to that wedding.
If it were me and I were sending a gift, I'd find something that could be sentimental (custom made artwork or an oil lamp, vase or bowl from a glassblower, etc) to keep but that would not be a burden on your budget. Another option is to send a nice bottle of wine with a note about how you wish you could be there to toast their union. Other options include a frame, gift certificate to a photo studio for a family portrait, some kind of food gift basket, tickets to an event, or gift certificate for their favorite restaurant. There are a lot of options that can acknowledge the marriage without being expensive. I would not send cash nor would I spend a lot of money on this gift.
You can't pick your family...
We all have family that annoys us, some we don't like, and there's always that one person (or several) that we simply cannot stand.
I fullheartedly agree with Nicole P. Think about how pissed they may possibly get about not getting a gift, and then decide from there what to do. If you really, truly don't care, then move on, smile,and enjoy your life. If it bothers you to think of them being upset, buy them a small gift, stick it in the mail, and continue on with your life. Either way, don't sweat it.
It's the height of terrible manners to ask people to give money for a wedding. Doesn't matter whether they use it for a hedonist adventure or a trip to a convent - you don't ask for money! You give the wedding you can afford, you take the honeymoon you can afford. I think it's tacky to sent out registry information in an engagement announcement or a wedding invitation, frankly. It's okay to register but it's up to the prospective guests to discreetly inquire about the existence of a registry. And that can't be for a bank account or a honeymoon kitty.
I think you have to decide that you are bigger than these people and you really don't care what opinion of you is held by people you do not respect. SO WHAT if they talk about you? Is your reputation going to be damaged in the eyes of anyone you respect?
If you want to give a gift since this is your family, choose something you think it appropriate. If you want to keep the expense down, look in a thrift shop! If your niece doesn't like what you send, she can re-gift it or take it to her own thrift shop and do what she wants with the money. Pay attention to whether or not you get a thank you note, and what the tone of it is! That will tell you whether to bother with these people going forward.
So, if anyone asks you, don't focus on the hedonist aspect of their trip. Focus on wanting to give something "personal". If anyone (the bride, the groom or your sister) should criticize your choice, just, "I'm sorry you didn't like the gift. We are family and I wanted to give something personal that would always remind them of their wedding day." Say nothing more.
your definition of hedonism is different than mine.
but that's not really important. if you don't want to send them money, don't. i've got a niece whom i love but who is a constant drama queen. i've long quit responding to the bi-monthly crises and pleas for money. i've left her a standing offer to take any or all of her kids in if she needs me to but beyond that i'm just tired of listening.
(that's part of my particular brand of hedonism<G>.)
i think it's a little immature to tie your giving of a wedding gift to your disapproval of THEIR choice of wedding. but sending any sort of gift that's saturated in resentment is not healthy for either party.
send them a nice card and try to truly wish them well.
khairete
S.
I have gave a card to my niece for her wedding gift. She is a snarky little bitchy girl who invited everyone, all cousins except my kids. My husband thought I gave her 200 dollars. I did not correct him. I feel just fine about it.
Don't send a gift unless you want to. It sounds like your relationship is strained and they seem to have it all-----Send a card and be done with it.
Sounds like these people are crazy and really don't care about you. So why do you care what they think? I wouldn't waste my time or money getting them a gift whether it was monetary or not. Besides, just because you're a bride doesn't mean you can "demand" money for your bridal gifts. How rude. The sooner you write them off, the better you will feel. Love them because they're "family", but keep it from a distance. Good luck!
I think you could make a donation to a group in the honor of their wedding. So, take a high road and donate $$ the a mount you'd give as a give and have the charity send a letter to them saying, "In honor of your wedding a gift has been made in your name". Lots of couples (the second time around) do this. Dog rescue, Kiva.com, a church...you choose. Then, your gift will do good in their name.
I would still send them a gift but NOT money. Requesting money to fund anything is just tacky and no invited guest should feel any obligation at all with this. I would pick out a 'standard' wedding gift and send it with a card. (picture frame, vase) This way you will not be supporting something you do not approve of but still honoring your obligation as the aunt.
I would send a card and a modest gift and that's it.
If you have any kind of relationship with your sister and niece at all, then I would send a nice card to congratulate them on their marriage, enclose twenty dollars and leave it at that. At least that way you've sent something and didn't totally ignore it; especially since you WERE invited, they know that YOU know it happened!! Doesn't matter that you didn't attend.
I've never given more than I can afford to anyone no matter what their beliefs, lifestyle, etc. If they're not happy with what I send then that's their problem, not mine! I know I've done something to acknowledge whatever event it is and at the same time I haven't gone bankrupt trying to keep up with the Joneses!!
Good luck!!
I would send a non-monetary gift or a gift card. This way you are supporting their commitment to a life together but it also fits with your morals. (I think?)
Of course, it's entirely up to you what you give as a gift. No one can tell you what to give (or not to give).
It does bother me when people "make it clear" what they want for a gift, unless they are in a position where they really need something. If you ASK someone what they want, and they say money...well, your own fault, you asked. If not, you are free to give as you please.
You sound like you are resentful of her, your sister, etc...that isn't giving out of a pure heart, so it's hard to come up with a good gift or to feel good about giving it. I completely understand how you feel...my own siblings irk me the same way!
A card? Some flowers delivered? I don't have the answer to this one, sorry. I feel for you.
I think it's awkward to give people money for any event because it feels so "this is exactly what you're worth to me". Which isn't always the case. It may simply be about your budget, etc. I always prefer to give a gift, especially if it's something with more than a monetary value that can be treasured forever.
Buy them a gift within your price range - a lovely picture frame, a keepsake album, a personalized door knocker - whatever; and send it with a nice card.
I young couple at my church, that I really like, but am not particularly close to, asked me if I would do their wedding invitations (they'd pay me). I did them, and then told them to consider it their wedding gift from us. Not counting my time (I'm a graphic designer), my costs were well over $100.00. So, it was a pretty generous as I would never have spent that much on a gift.
Not to mention, they are having two receptions, a low-budget desserts only reception which I'm invited to and a dinner reception which is just for family and close friends which I'm not invited too.
As we get closer to the wedding I get an invitation to a "couples" wedding shower. So, now I've got to pay another gift? I feel like I was generous enough as it was! So, I bought a nice frame, on sale, at Hobby Lobby for $20 and framed their invitation and gave it to them as a keepsake at the shower. They loved it! And, had no idea I only spent $20 when other gifts were obviously considerably more! Problem solved :)
