Hi! First the backstory, I have been with my guy for 3 years now . His daughters are 19 & 20. I am essentially wife #3 (or will be when we make it legal, we're waiting for college bills to be over first) and the only Auntie they really know.
So, last night we are at his mom and dad's for Family supper and his 5 year old niece (who doesn't really know wife #1 (his girls' mom) and never met wife #2 (the rebound short lived marriage) happened to see an old photo of my guy, his daughters and wife #2, and asked who the blond lady was. I think we all kind of panicked and changed the subject. She then asked the 19 year old why her dad wasn't married to her mom anymore. (The 5 yr old does know I'm not her cousins' mom) Again, we all kind of switched the subject and none of us are sure how to explain that to them without freaking her out and making her worry that someday her mom and dad could divorce. She's a very bright kid who will see through any b.s. we try to sell her :)
I'm fairly confident we can explain away #2 fairly easily being it was short lived and they did not have kids together, but we do need to explain about the girls' mom.
I'm not sure if it's relevant, but earlier that night she asked why the 19 year old wasn't bringing her boyfriemd to dinner and I explained that they had "broken up" and she didn't have a boyfriend right now 'cause she hadn't met anyone else she liked that much yet. (She had brought a previous boyfriend to family things before) The 5 yr old then proceeded to ask what "broken up" meant and I explained that sometimes when you are dating someone, you realize you don't like them that much anymore and then you "break up." The little light bulb then went on and she explained she had broken up with her boyfriend at pre-school 'cause he was mean to her on the playground.
Mainly I (and we the family) need to figure out how to explain this to her, as her 4 year old little sister will probably be asking soon, too!!!
All my conversations w/ little one's throughout my life, and this has never come up before!!
Thanks ladies!!!
P.s. It is going to be the parents job to explain but they asked us what we thought they should say. It's one of those families that discusses things like this as a group sometimes. I'm just trying to gather hints that we can maybe use as a group since we will probably all be together the next time the subject comes up.
I'm not meaning to offend anyone. My apologies.
Thank you everyone for the great responses! I'm going to copy them into one document and then share it with her mom next time we have coffee together, then when her and hubby decide what to say, we'll all be on the same page for a ready answer. I know she'll be thankful for the advice, as well, with 2 pre-schoolers,a 6 month old, and a job, she doesn't have much free time to do stuff like this.
I really appreciated being reminded about the difference between some relationships being a choice and others not, that's a very good point :) I think she'll understand that concept! And, we as a family are probably freaking out more than we need to be!! It just caught us so off guard at the moment and we all want to see these girls have as worry-free a childhood as possible.
I also wanted to explain to everyone part of the reason I'm so emotionally involved with this is even tho I've only been with my guy for 3 years, I first met him and his family back in 1982, back when the girls' dad (his little bro) was an annoying (but adorable) 11 year old. Didn't see them much (I moved away for a time) after high school, but you never stop caring about those you cared about young!
If she is 5 and in Kindergarten, likely about half of her classmates are in "non-traditional" families. They have already discussed divorce and more. Tell her the truth in a clear and non-emotional way.
Maybe I misunderstood your question....but shouldn't it be their parents responsibility to answer those questions?
If your niece asks again about either of the exes, just be honest. Say something like, "That's a photo of Jane. She used to be married to Uncle Jon." Or "They're not married anymore because they didn't get along." You only need to say enough to satisfy her curiousity--one or two sentences will do. I doubt she will personalize the experience and start to worry about her own parents. As others have pointed out, she HAS to know other divorced or separated people.
At this point, she is probably more curious about everyone's reactions than anything else. Remember that her worldview is very small. She can't comprehend adult relationships, and she's not going to sit and ponder your fiance's failed marriages. When I was 4 or 5, my parents had to explain a complicated divorce-remarriage scenario that had happened in our family. I really did not have any questions until I was much older and things started to "click". This was a more personal situation, though--it doesn't sound like your niece will ever have any reason to see the ex wives. Once her basic questions are answered, she probably won't ever bring it up.
And I would wait until another opportunity arises, like her seeing a photo or asking a direct question. I really don't think a special sit-down discussion w/her parents is warranted, IMHO. Seems kind of "mountain out of molehole" if you do.
I think in this case honesty is the best policy. Explain the situation in terms that the 5 year old will understand. Perhaps look for some books on the topic of divorce to guide you. If you attend a church, you might want to get advice from a clergyperson. They often have groups for kids of divorce.
Whatever you say to her, just reassure her that it had nothing to do with her and the love the family feels for her would never go away, no matter what.
Good luck!
A.
Children are curious. I think her family should just be honest and explain it to her in terms she can understand without going too in depth. From your description it sounds like they are making too much of keeping this "secret" from her. Maybe a book on talking to young children about divorce would be helpful.
O.K. this is going to sound rude, and it is not meant to...Relax...You are all making way too big a deal out of the situation. Of course you should be honest. Her "parents" need to sit her down and explain that sometimes people grow, and love and things change. If you treat it casually, and answer questions in a forthright manner, without making a huge deal out of it, she will be fine.
just be honest with out to many details. My nephews and nieces are 10,8,7,5, and 5 and they all in the last 2 years have gone though their parents divorce and then parents new relationships. in fact 3 of them have now been through 2 divorces. when they sat the 3 down to say the "new wife" of a year wasn't going to be around anymore the kids started dancing and said they were glad their dad wasn't staying with her. when the other 2 had their fathers ex fiance move out of the house they acted like nothing was different. Say sometimes people dont get along so they go their seperate ways that is true to life in any situation
I agree. It is definitely up to their parents to talk to them. You don't need to say anything.
I wouldn't be so secretave about it. Just tell her that the lady was his wife but things didn't work out so they "broke up" and don't live together anymore. She is so far distant from the situation that it isn't going to bother her.
She is only 5, she is just curious who the people are, I'm guessing she isn't going to internalize it and worry about her parents breaking up.
Telling the truth is always the best. Lies get everyone in trouble. In this situation, it doesn't sound like anything "sexual" needs to be explained so pure clean truth is the greatest, especially to young children. They are very intuitive and intelligent and know when honesty is given.
The family dynamics are not a clear cut and dry scenario anymore, many webs of lifestyles have been woven together, so just relax and feel possitive when explaining. :)
Peace and Blessings!! K.
Kristy,
If she is in pre school and is already talking about her "boyfriend", chances are she already kind of knows about this topic a little bit. Kids are much smarter than we know.
My sister married a man with two daughters from two different women. My daughter was about 4 1/2 at the time and had lots of questions about it. We just explained that her uncle didn't live with their mommy's anymore. But it didn't mean that he didn't love his little girls, he just didn't live with them.
I think that if her parents try to hide it from her - it would be more scary for her. It's a good time to talk about all the different kinds of families that there are in the world and that not all of them are like hers.
Good Luck - It can be a tricky topic.
I agree it's the parents job. But also, it needn't be hidden. We are a blended family and it's great for us. Fortunetly we all get along. But my girls understand that even when couples love eachother, sometimes it's better if they don't live together. Getting married is a choice, not like being moms and dads or siblings, and sometimes it doesn't work. It's a reflection of the "couple" not the kids. The best thing we can do is listen and be appropriately honest when our kids ask questions.
