Discussing My Brother's Divorse with My Almost 3 Year Old

We had a couple of very good friends get divorced. My daughters were 4 and 2 at the time. We never mentioned the word divorce, I just told her sometimes people break up and no longer are together. I only explained this when I had to introduce a new girlfriend of the one male friend. My daughter asks quite a bit about the ex-wife. (She doesn't get to see her pretty much at all anymore) But anyway, telling her that some people break up is all it took to explain it to her, and she's never went any further in this conversation like I thought she might. I was prepared for her to get scared that mommy and daddy were going to break up. But fortunately I think she sees the love between my husband and I so maybe that is why she's not worried.

First off, after spending about 18 years of being deprived of watching nieces and nephews grow up after a divorce, I commend you for trying to remain together with your SIL. Only recently did I get to see how things turned out when my son was married and my ex and all the former inlaws were there. I was a bit afraid but they were wonderful. They even loved my husband I have now! (Alas, that is another story).
As for your daughter and I will add your SIL in there for good measure, be perfectly straight how you feel. You have a good heart. Tell your daughter these things can happen, that no one is abandoning her and that you will try to continue with visits wherever possible.

I would talk to both aunt and uncle privately and separately and ask them if they both are planning on being in your daughter's life. Tell them you really want them to and your daughter has been asking questions-what do they want you to say? Divorce doesn't just effect the two parties involved, it effects everyone around them-----they both need to figure out how they are going to handle these questions etc. As for your daughter, you are telling her the right thing-keep it simple and to whatever she asks.

GL

M

Sounds like you have a pretty precotious daughter! I don't think you need to use the word "divorce", I'm sure that even tho she's a little smartie she wouldnt be able to rationalize divorce at all. You probably need to sugar coat it into terms more like "Uncle is visiting with Grammie and Papa because he misses them". And when you are only socializing with either Aunt or Uncle you just tell her that the "other" was "busy" and couldnt come over. Keep it simple and leave out the negatives such as telling her not to speak about it because it will upset Aunt or Uncle. The are grown ups and have to expect that the kids in the family will undoubtedly "ask" about the missing spouse on occasion. I wouldnt put the pressure of "not speaking about it" on your daughter, that's a little bit too much to ask for of a 3 yr old.
She's only 3 and even as perceptive as she seems to be, she will get used to the new "norm" eventually.
*Hopefully after 20 years of marriage they will see the light and maybe just stay separated for a little while and eventually work it out. That would be my prayer.
Divorce does affect an entire family unit... it's so sad. {sniff}
When and if they start dating again, that will be a whole new dilemma to face.

We explained this to DS (just 4 at the time) by simply saying - sometimes grown ups who used to love each other don't anymore. And then they get divorced which means they are not married anymore. If DD is in preschool she probably already has classmates whose parents are divorced.

It seems like it's important to her to talk about it. Maybe you should explain a little further, that sometimes adults who loved each other decide that they shouldn't live together anymore. Try emphasizing that it was a hard decision for them and that it makes them sad, but that they'll be ok in their new lives. While it's ok to suggest she not bring it up with her aunt, emphasize that she can ask you anything she wants to. It sounds like you may have been cutting off her questions, and that won't be good for her or your relationship with her. It's possible that your brother or sister-in-law may be ok talking about it with her (a little) once they start to get used to their new lives. It doesn't seem like you should try to keep her quiet when she needs to work through this information with people she loves.

The easiest way to explain it would be the worst! :-) Avoid the "They don't get along or they argued alot and decided not to be married anymore". lines...

No matter how you explain it (and it is a hard thing for someone who does not know your child ) Let her know that sometimes it happens where people who got married decide for what ever reasons not to be anymore...
Does she have any friends who's parents are divorced? Single parents? Grandparents parenting a grand child? Point out how every family is different and special and that they still LOVE the people in the family...

I know that there are books for kids to help deal with the issue of divorce... Perhaps going to the library and seeing if any of them would be appropriate for your situation...