Thanks for all for all of the wonderful input! I don't believe that I have post-partum depression as I am cheery, like getting out on walks...working out again (but I can't self-diagnose ehhh). I sincerely just feel like a fish-out-of-water. I went into this all blindly when I should have said to my fiance I am staying put...I am pregnant and that was unplanned and that in itself is enough change right now. I suppose he could have done the relocating to work through all of this considering the amount of work and change a woman goes through to give birth to a child. I suppose I should offer a little more background as to why I feel a bit resentful. During my pregnancy I felt like a single parent doing this on her own. When we would see each other it was fleeting as my nursing schedule had me working nights and we would only see each other a few hours before I would have to go into work the next afternoon. Also, he rarely was interested in doing much to help me feel comfortable...I would ask for a back rub or a foot rub...and it just wasn't something he was into doing. Now you would think a man that doesn't see his pregnant fiance all the time would do just about anything to accommodate how she felt. Then the actual birthing process was not how I pictured it going...we argued that day about how I was feeling so rushed about making all of these decisions...I went home to my mother's for the weekend and that evening I went into labor. My fiance drove to the hospital...I asked for a foot rub during early labor as I chose not to have an epidural (wow!) and my midwife ended up giving me one. I thought that a man would do pretty much anything his partner asked at that moment? Then afterward...I wanted pancakes...that's all...and it took me a while to convince him to pick them up. I know these are just tiny things...but I imagine that if my fiance had just had my son drug-free and all she wanted was a foot rub or pancakes then nothing would stop me from that. Also, I asked that we not be bombarded with visitors the first day and what do you know...here comes his family...unwrapping and exposing my lil guy while I was supposed to establish a breastfeeding schedule. I felt like everything I had asked for during the birth experience was not honored. My baby ended up with a 101 temperature the next morning and we were kept a couple of days extra. One of which my fiance left for a wedding and got drunk...I told him to stay the night at his friends place...well he shows up at the hospital at 4am smelling of alcohol and saying that he missed us and didn't want to be away. I felt disrespected again. I guess this is the build up to why I need to re-evaluate things. We aren't on the same page about much...including me breastfeeding (he wants me to pump as soon as possible and give the baby a pacifier...I don't want to do that). I understand that it is his child, too. He will be a good father. I would never keep him from his father. EVER. I just want to date...to establish the solid foundation we don't have. I want my own space. Get my old job back...I loved my job...maybe stay with my mother...and take the step back I feel I need to focus on motherhood. I feel like I can't do it all. I can't nourish this new live-in relationship and be the mom I should be. Everything around me is new. What gives? How much do I have to sacrifice to make this work when he hasn't given up much? I understand that being a mother is sacrifice, but how much does the father have to as well? Sorry...I just had to vent and update you some more.
Wow, this just shows that everything is about him in this relationship. It sounds like you know what you need to do and what you want. I say do it. And don't let ANYONE take breastfeeding from you. That is such a wonderful experience. If he says he wants to be able to feed once in a while, that is one thing, but there is no reason for you to have to pump, and then feed him the bottle unless it is medically necessary. It is twice as much work.
I also urge you to do what feels right for you and the baby. Sounds to me that he's not ready for a mature relationship. You need support. Not another child.
I also suggest that you not cut him out of your baby's life or yours either, for that matter. You can ask for and receive as much time to yourself as you need and that includes excluding him from your life for a period of time if that is what you need. You're right. He needs to be around his baby so that he can also bond with him.
I urge you to decide upon the boundaries that you need as you become used to being a mother. Be willing to discuss them with your fiance as long as it's a discussion and him being respectful of your needs.
Is it possible that the two of you haven't talked about your individual expectations of your relationship? I suggest that you take a premarital preparation course that are offerered at churches and counseling centers. The class provides a structure for your discussions making having discussions much easier. They become less emotional that way.
I so very much agree that getting back your own space and dating while you build a strong foundation in your relationship is a good plan!
This guy sounds familiar to me, so I would suggest that for the time being, you go stay with your mother and then go on with whatever plans you would pursue if there was not a guy in the picture, i.e., whether or not you work or work part-time, assuming your Mom will be helping you initially with child-care. Talk to your Mom and tell her that the father will definitely have visits with the baby (but not in the wee hours after a wedding, and reeking of alcohol!)--at reasonable, non-disruptive hours. And that you will be seeing him, sort of having "date nights" until you work this situation out between the two of you--either marriage or continuing living apart with his being allowed time with the baby. I don't really know your situation, but I would strongly suggest NOT marrying the guy right now, at least not until you see more sensitivity and fairness coming into play from him. Why? Because if it's bad now between you (i.e., no sensitivity), it will be far worse when he considers that you "belong to him." So...slow, steady, thoughtful actions are required now, for you and for the baby. If you have the option of living with your Mom, assuming she and you have a good relationship and that she understands that you will be involved with the man, to some degree personally, still trying to decide what to do marriagewise--then the baby will at least have consistency and good care, and you will have peace of mind, knowing you are in charge of your decisions for both yourself and the baby. It might be that you will find that this man is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but that he can be a part of the baby's life, at least for awhile. Good luck. You sound like an intelligent, reasonable, sensitive lady, who wants the best for her baby. And kudos to your Mom, too! I hope it works out well for you and your little one. P.S. There is also the option of making your Mom LEGALLY the child's guardian, since you are not actually married, in the event you were not able to raise him. I.e., he needs some legal documentation as to who would be your successor as to his care. And secondly, TAKE OUT A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY NOW for him, in case you should die. Very unlikely, but the policy will not cost much and will give you peace of mind as to his care in the event you are not there. Do this today!
Updated
P.S. to my post...the Life Insurance Policy I mentioned would be for YOUR life, not his, as my post indicated--it would be for his benefit if you were not around.
You sound like a smart cookie and a good Mom in the making. Sounds like you've been through a lot of changes. You do need time to adjust and time to bond with your baby. I agree with other posts - don't make any permanent decisions right now. If you have the opportunity to stay with Mom for a while, do that. I'm sorry to say that your fiancee is holding up some red flags that I think you see too. I'd think long and hard about possibly marrying someone who doesn't show his BEST side throughout a pregnancy and labor. The getting drunk thing and showing up at the hospital is something to worry about - did he DRIVE himself to the hospital drunk???? Is he planning on driving you and/or the baby in that condition too?
Do what's best for yourself and your baby - including breastfeeding if YOU'D like to. My husband was good enough to be supportive but left the final decision up to me. He acknowledged that I was the one who had to actually do it, so it was up to ME. Please think about everything carefully before jumping into a lifetime of disappointment. Good luck and God bless you and your new baby.
Please don't make any "permanent" decisions yet.
Please stay with your mom but DON'T go back to work
for at least a few weeks.
Breast-feed on demand for at least the first few weeks.
If he shows up to visit with alcohol on his breath, don't let him visit.
If he's not "into" foot rubs . . . a little late on that topic, imo,
tell him you'd like to TEACH him how to do that.
Etc.
He sounds like a CHILD with no sense of anyone else's feelings or needs.
Continue to take good care of yourself.
S.
Sorry to say but he was just a down right jack *** for not helping you through labor and going out and getting drunk while you were still in the hospital?? yeah you have no buisness getting married....i'd do exactly what you suggested...move back and get some time to yourself and slow down!
that's just low
Good Luck in your new home. A lot of changes, having the baby first then moving in together means you will just have to learn to live with not one but two young men at different stages in their lives! I've learned more from new situations that I do not have to be perfect--just teachable. The most important thing is you keep yourself & baby healthy and happy; be clear what you expect from fiance/future husband, and, be clear what he expects from you. Between all this there is a lot of room for creative experiments such cooking new things, getting to know your new neighborhood, seeing your old friends or having them over. Don't give up, fiance's got a life too and it sounds like he does care. Hang in. .a friend told me, sometimes we have to fight for what we love, as you do. Everyone's definition is different.
Yeah, that info changes the outlook, no harm in waiting a while and seeing what happens with a step back. He seems to be pretty controling and disrespectful. Good Luck to you and your family.
(P.S. I don't touch feet either-no way :/ )
I think I would slow down a bit. Go home and stay with mom and get things sorted out. You don't say how old you are. If you enjoyed your job, then see about going back to work afer 8 weeks. I know that jobs are hard to find so use your best judgement on that.
Do court the finance a bit without baby and see where the two of you are. What are the actual plans that you have as a couple, a family, parenting styles, and where do you both want to be in 5 years? Lay that all out on the table and see where you two can compromise. Be realistic and allow for flexibility for changes in the marriage.
Congratulations on the baby and good luck with your decision on the fiance. The other S.
