Oh man, I don't even know where to begin, this is a mess. I'll make this as short as possible without leaving out important background detail... Yesterday, Easter Sunday (HAPPY EASTER!!), my family (me, fiance, 3 kids) went down to 'our' boat club... Just a little private club on the river, nothing fancy, but members only. My FIL owns it, and being his age, told my fiance and me to make more of a presence down there as owners, because once he's gone it's ours.... just make sure the club members are following the rules and whatever. This is where we're SUPPOSED to be having our wedding in June.
This is where the long story gets short... FIL was drinking, fiance was drinking, FIL started yelling at ME (first time ever, it was really nothing, he was telling me about making an example down there and 'not partying' and 'watch the kids')... I hadn't had one drink all day, and I WAS playing with the kids the entire time. My BFF and her husband and daughter were down there as well; I have no idea why FIL was aiming this at me, but not wanting to get into it with him (because he's the type of person to just unleash for no reason, or some reason other than something that particular target did), I apologized and started packing up. My BFF put the girls in her car, and as I was putting the baby in MY car, my FIL shouted that my fiance and I are no longer welcome down there (we own part of the property, see what I mean by saying WHATEVER? He can't 'ban' us)...
While I was putting the baby in the car, my fiance went up to his dad and asked why he was yelling at me (really, I was upset because this is the first time he targetted me, but it was NOTHING I couldn't handle) and FIL was like 'I'm not done talking to HER' and started walking back towards me. My fiance put his hands up (not ON) to stop him from confronting me again, and my FIL HIT HIS SON!! Hit my fiance right in the eye. Fiance dragged his dad to the ground to hold him down, but never swung back. It took 4 people to pull them apart.
We left. I had to have a huge talk with my 2 girls and my BFFs daughter, because they saw the ENTIRE thing :(
Not to mention the new club members we're supposed to be setting the example for!
My fiance is so upset that his dad hit him. He's never slugged him before. They've gotten into really heated arguements, but no physical contact has ever been made. He's crushed. I spoke with my step MIL last night about it, and she said that FIL hasn't been acting like himself, and she knows he wasn't really mad at me. Both of us ladies are just sorry it happened, and sad about it.
Well this morning my fiance saw the drunken email his father had sent last night, telling him he's an a-hole for 'attacking an easy target, hitting a 70 year old man'... MY FIANCE *NEVER* HIT HIM. There are a dozen witnesses. That email made my guy feel even worse about this whole thing.
So what do I do?! We want to lay low and not go down there for a bit, but it's hard when we have a responsibility to that place. Like I was supposed to go there today and organize the cabinets... I don't want to go down there now, before the dust has settled! Do I try to talk to my FIL about this? Wait until he says something to me? I didn't do anything, so I don't know what I'm apologizing for... I'm just sorry the whole thing happened. I'm sorry that their relationship was hurt last night. I feel terrible for my man. I'm also angry that this fool did this in front of my babies!! (The kids are okay)... Now what?! This is a man I love, respect, and admire, who's done a really stupid thing... NOW WHAT?! I mean, if this doesn't get squashed, we have no wedding venue. I don't want to lose my inlaws, I DO love them to pieces. What do we do now??
FIL sent me a long, heartfelt apology email. He wants to stop drinking. He asked for my forgiveness. I told him of course he's forgiven, that's what families do.... FAMILIES FORGIVE... and that I hoped his focus was mending his relationship with his son.
I think they'll be okay by this weekend, but I know it's going to talk a lot longer than that for them to trust each other again.
no advice ....J. I'm sorry you're going through this...i'd talk to his wife a little more if I was you and see if she can talk some sense into him
You say that your MIL says that he has been exhibiting odd behavior, could he possibly be having the first symptoms of Alzheimers? The only reason why I ask is because this sounds a lot like my step grandfather. He went through a violent spell too when he started getting more advance into the disease. He would often lash out at my grandmother for no reason then remain mad for a few days at something that never happened. His disease progressed pretty quickly and he was gone a few years later. Maybe it's time for your MIL to talk to a doctor. If that doesn't seem to be the case then, you're probably going to have to let your husband deal with this. Just support him in whatever he decides and go with that. If your like me, that's really hard because you want to fix everything and it's hard to sit on the sidelines. Make sure you let your husband know that he did nothing wrong and that you don't blame him, and kudos to him for standing up for you.
He needs to see a physician, immediately. There's a good chance that (depending on his age), there may be something "medical" going on here and before anyone gets more involved, he needs to make an appointment with his primary care physician and your MIL needs to request a referral to a neurologist.
You do not need to talk with him about this- your fiance does. Until you are married and your name is on the paperwork, he owns the property & the boat club, so this is literally his battle to "fight"- no accusations, no "threats", none of that. Just a real sit-down with his father regarding both of their expectations and parameters around their interactions. He owes you an apology b/c of his behavior around your children, but the priority right now is to find out WHY he is behaving so "out-of-character".
Not trying to scare you, but he may have had a stroke or he may be experiencing the onset of dementia/Alzheimer's. None of us realized that my great uncle (70 at the time) was starting to show signs of dementia, but his personality went from sweet and docile to aggressive and "short" over the course of a year- slowly so lots of hurt feelings and anger from the family.
Find out what is causing the change in behavior... people don't change overnight unless there's something really wrong.
Laying low isn't the right thing to do, R.. People have a skewed vision of events when they are drunk. This man needs to know that his son did not hit him. He needs to hear it from others. He needs to know what HE did while he was drunk, that he provoked everything, and that being held down to prevent him from hurting someone is not the same as being hit.
If you DON'T make sure he is told this by people who witnessed it, your fiance will suffer as if he actually did this stuff, and neither of you can afford this.
I have a suspicion that your FIL either has an alcohol problem, or he is suffering from a mental problem that could be caused by high blood sugar, beginning Alzheimer's, or something physical like this. He needs to get to a doctor for a checkup and the doctor needs to know that his personality has changed. Your son can write a note to the doctor and tell him/her that this is happening and ask for tests to be done.
Look at it this way. Handling this now could get your future FIL the help he needs. And if you don't get married down there, so what. The important thing is to safeguard your children from being around a person who flies off the handle like this - you must prevent that.
Good luck, and I hope this man gets some help.
Dawn
I agree with the other posters. If this is totally abnormal, MIL says he's not acting normally, he's "self-medicating" with alcohol and he's in his 70's - he needs to be checked out medically. Unless he has an alcohol problem, which should be dealt with as well in some way, early intervention with Alzheimers and other things could help a lot. FIL's wife and kids are going to have to deal with this one. FIL may not even really remember what happened.
I think maybe you and your fiance need to attend some Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. It would be a great support for both of you for having to deal with your FIL.
One thing I noticed throughout your post, though, was how you kept defending your FIL by saying how certain things were no big deal or you could handle something yourself... that's all enabling behavior. I see huge red flags that your FIL is an alcoholic, especially since these angry drunken outbursts sound like "just something he's known for."
It can't just blow over any more. He hit his own son, the father of your children, in front of your children. After threatening you. And then he continued to threaten in writing later on. Keep that drunken, violently worded e-mail as proof. It doesn't matter if this was "about you" or something else, as your MIL tried to reassure you (which is more enabling behavior). You need to stay away from your FIL, keep your children away from him, and don't go anywhere near him until he's clean and sober. Period.
I also think that you need to file a report with the police for the sake of the business, especially if he starts making poor business decisions and you need to take things to court to get the business out of his hands sooner than his passing away. Press charges. The guy needs anger management classes and he needs to get into rehab.
wow, babes, what a tough situation!
damn.
good for your fiance for holding the line, preventing more fighting but not succumbing to the heat of the moment and taking a swing himself.
but i'm so sorry you are facing this NOW with the wedding so close, and really sorry that so many kids witnessed this.
you really can't let this go. i hope your MIL takes him to the doctor pronto. it does sound as if there's an underlying medical issue. i think you should probably go there and start working on the cabinets, and i hope he comes in and apologizes. ideally you can have an adult conversation now that the adrenaline has passed, and discuss what happened and how to proceed. but if he starts to yell or accuse you or in any way be unreasonable, you should leave. don't allow the situation to escalate.
in the longer view, the family needs to address the situation and get your FIL some help. that sort of public outburst isn't okay (especially since it's a business as well as a family venue) and can't be allowed to continue.
your immediate concern is the wedding. does your ownership give you access even if he doesn't want you there? or would it be better to find an emergency back-up venue if things go south?
either way, i don't think that just laying low is the right response to this prickly situation.
damn!
khairete
S.
My ex father in law, well to be blunt, hates his family. He drinks a lot around them but only once did I see him drunk. He is an angry drunk, which is what your future father in law sounds like.
After the first time I saw him drunk I decided it was not something I wanted my kids to see again. I have good kids and there is no upside to ruining their relationship with their grandfather.
So my advice is what I did. If I saw him getting to the point of being drunk I politiely made an excuse of why me and the kids had to leave. Sometimes my ex went with me other times not. This worked for 18 years of marriage. The thing is you will not change him and he will not see how drunk he is. The best thing to do is protect you and your kids from angry words that they generally don't mean to say.
Wow that stinks that that happened. You got some really good answers already, I have nothing to add, the responses you got seem very good - he should see a physician right away for a possible serious medical condition. And your fiance needs to deal with it with his dad ASAP, and you should go down there today and not wait.
Good luck, let us know!
Alcohol makes people crazy AND illogical.
IDK what else to say.
Hope they work it out.
If he's had a trend of moody behavioral changes... he may need to see his General Dr and rule out some geriatric afflictions such as dementia, Alzheimer's, UTI, and other things like that.
It really sounds like he may have a medical problem - which he may know about - which is causing him to drink, become moody and depressed.
I'm sorry such a blow up had to occur, and I"d go an act like nothing happened. If he by chance yells at you again, just leave asap without adding further flames to his tirade.
Your financee needs to accept the fact that his father has a bad problem with alcohol. Please encourage him to attend Al anon meetings, and to talk to his father with love and concern, not anger and wanting to set the record straight.He needs to say something like "alcohol is going to ruin our relationship and that would be so sad because I love you. Please dont let alcohol do this to a family outing again"
I'd wait until he reaches out and talks to you. How drunk was he? He might not recall what happened. Alcohol does bad things to some people which is why we don't allow it at family functions when children are present I wouldn't change my opinion of the man just because he already has a short fuse then add the alcohol to it you are asking for trouble. I try to ignore the things drunk people say and do they don't mean it and often times don't remember it.
Edited: tell you fiancé he should not feel bad for sticking up for you. Someone needed to do something before it got worse. Who know fil could have hurt you not meaning to if he were that angry.
can you say.. alzhimers ???
K. h.
