New Baby Girl and a Distraught toddler...help!

.

You've gotten some really good responses. I'd only add that it might be helpful to try to stick to a routine- the one you had before the baby came, if at all possible. LO's feel comfort in knowing what to expect, and I think it's more important for some than others. My 1st son used to have a meltdown if we strayed too far from our routine- especially his bedtime routine. My other children weren't too bothered by occasional changes in our ususal plans.

Congratulations on the new baby!!

Good luck!!!!

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry". It'll help you really get into the mind of your little one and understand much better why she is acting out how she is and will help you know how to respond to her in a way that will help her emotionally feel at ease with things. I can't tell you how much I think this book will help your situation. It is AMAZING. I haven't even finished reading it, but I am in love with it...hehe.

Also, "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen is a great book with some good ideas in parenting. It's quite fascinating too.

Here's my suggestions. These are based off of what I've read from both of the books so far. It's also what I've been doing with my kids and have seen great results.

To help encourage her to not act out just for attention, be sure you are giving her a lot of attention otherwise. Have her have a special role of big sister where it's her job to get you diapers if you need them. She can help pick clothes for the baby (maybe limit it to just two outfits and let her choose), let her choose the baby's blanket, etc. I understand she loves the baby, but she seems to be feeling confused as to what her place is now. She's having to adjust to another child coming in and taking attention from her. So, give her a place - special things that only SHE can do. Make her feel important. It will take more time, and you likely can do them all yourself much faster, but giving them jobs works really good. My little ones take it very serious and get upset if they know it's their job and I try doing it:-) But they definitely feel like they have a place.

If she is upset, don't ever tell her to stop it or that she is wrong for feeling upset (how she gets upset can be modified, but allow the emotions with understanding). Telling her to stop feeling how she does doesn't help. How many of us can just stop feeling emotions? If she is upset, validating her can do wonders ("I see that you are very upset. I would probably be upset too."). Ask her if she would like a hug. Pick her up and hug her and validate her feelings and tell her you know it must be hard and that she is so special to you, etc. If she can talk very well, listen to anything she might have to say to you. Don't tell her she's wrong or anything, just listen. Even if she says she's mad at you or the baby or daddy. Listen and understand her. It helps diffuse the upset and makes them feel heard and loved...and then it often helps the poor behavior just disappear.

I know many will say that if you give positive attention to "poor" behavior, then they will misbehave more. 'Tis not true. I thought the same thing initially, but I did as was suggested by the book, and it really changed around the tantrums. They still have them, but they are very short lived, much less often, and end quickly. I've been very surprised at how much better of a response I get from them when I don't respond negatively. when they know they don't have to deal with me being angry at them on top of them just trying to deal with the emotions themselves, they do much better. And, they are so little! It's no wonder these emotions are difficutl for them.

I would make sure you have your daughter around you as much as possible. If you're feeding the baby, let her know that you need her to hold on to your arm and snuggle if she's not busy doing something else. Help her feel needed, loved, and to have regular interaction with you. Think of whatever you can to include her and make her feel like she's important and needed.

As for nighttime, I'm not sure. I sit in the rocking chair in their room until they go to sleep. Not sure if you're interested in trying that.

I can't tell you how much I think "siblings without rivalry" will help you understand her much better and be able to respond better. And, I love the "Positive Discipline" book by Jane Nelsen. The information is amazing and has been working much better.

Good luck. Hope she feels better and so do you!

There are several books available titled "I'm a Big Sister" that you can read to your daughter. It shows her that there are many things that she can do to help. My older son was 2 1/2 when my youngest was born, and we went through the same thing. "I'm a Big Brother" helped immensely, but the jealousy was always there when he felt the baby was getting too much attention. They are the best of friends now (7 and 4), and most of the time play together wonderfully. The older one helps the younger one all the time. But every now and then, they do argue/fight. This will pass in time. Congratualtions on the new baby!

Hi R.,

I want to let you know you are not alone and I am going through exactly the same thing right now with my girls as well, just brought our new baby girl home several weeks ago. It has gotten a little bitter, but it is still going on with wanting attention when we are trying to feed/diaper/care for the newborn baby.

Just want to say we could support each other through this stage and help each other through it, that would be so helpful. We can can compare what we have tried and chat about it some more. Feel free to send a private message also. Thanks so much! ~C.

Hello! I am sorry you are having such a hard time. My husband and I had a hard time with our oldest when we had our second child. My daughter was 2 1/2 when we had our second daughter and she acted the same way. They are jealous of the attention that the new baby gets. We found it helpful to try to include her with the baby. Things like asking her to grab a diaper for us when we changed the baby etc. We also praised her for the "big kid" things she would do since she was a big sister. It may also help to get her around other kids her age. Good Luck with everything and congrats on the new little one!

The first child just needs some one on one time with you. I would take my older child to a smoothie place and stay there to drink our drinks.
Also, include your older child with the care of your new baby. Like getting the diapers and wipes, putting dirty diaper in the trash.
Your older child is just to figure out her place/role in the family.
The sleeping in the hall - maybe she is worried about the new baby? Try explaining that you have a baby monitor and you can hear/ see the baby at all times.
Take a deep breath. It is all new for everyone. My favorite saying - "this will soon pass "
good luck and most of all, enjoy every moment.
D.

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/4/64/Sibling-Solu...
After a new sibling has arrived, an older child's feelings will be both large with love and wonder, and tight with upset about his sibling's intrusion into his relationship and time with you. One of the more fruitful ways to handle this is to find a way to play "I want you!" with your older child as often as possible.

"I want you" games come in a hundred variations. You could begin by getting down on the floor and announcing, “I have a hundred kisses for you! Where shall I start?!” and crawling awkwardly toward your child. You can make great efforts to get him and cuddle him, and then he can wriggle away and dance just out of reach, laughing while you try to deliver your kisses. Or play can be set up with both parents, one parent playfully pulling the child toward her and saying, “I want to play with Sam!” and the other pulling him back and saying, “No, you can't have him! I haven't had enough of him yet today!” If this playful tug-of-war brings laughter, keep playing! It fills up a child's hunger for attention and importance.

Another "I want you" game is to announce, “Where's Sam!? I have to find Sam! I'm lonesome for Sam!” and to search all around (even though Sam is in plain sight) until you discover him and scoop him up in your arms for lots of cuddles. Holding your older child like a baby, and appreciating his fingers, toes, perfect ears, and beautiful eyes is another kind of sweet play that reassures a child that his uniqueness hasn't been forgotten.

The laughter your child does while you playfully show that you can't live without him heals some of the hurt of seeing you attending the other child so often and so lovingly. And it gives you a delightful way to openly appreciate your older child.

Special Time will also help you center your attention on your older child at regular intervals during the week, helping both him and you to plump up your relationship and remember the love you have for each other.

Notice what goes well

Brothers and sisters want to get along. They want to have fun with each other. Often, we parents are so relieved to have things going well between our children that we don't notice the details of the generous and flexible moments between them. We use the times that go well between them to get our housework or phone calls or schoolwork done.

If you look carefully, you'll see sharing, assistance, and thoughtfulness at moments and in places you hadn't noticed before. Sometimes, these moments of brotherly and sisterly genius take place a split-second before the relationship deteriorates into a tangle. In spite of what follows, those few seconds were an effort, and an achievement. Your appreciation of the positive is a help to your children's relationship. “Jacquie, thanks for bringing your sister the brush. Now can you let her do her hair herself?” helps a child feel seen. Her effort to help is real, even if her follow-through leaves something to be desired.

When your child needs you and you can't help right away

When children cry for more closeness, or get upset because you can't help them right away, we have an excellent chance to help them to fully release the sadness they feel. When your older child feels needy, you can send him an invitation to be close. A loving look or a tender word, an invitation to come and snuggle your back or sit on your feet or be embraced by your one free arm says, "I want to help" even when you can't.

If your child begins to tantrum or cry, an excellent thing is happening! He's using the offer of closeness that you gave as the sweetness he needed to begin to release his pent-up feelings of upset. Sometimes children "work on" their feelings of helplessness, too, and feel like they can’t walk over to you. After they've cried awhile, they'll rediscover their ability to walk again, and will have worked through some outdated feelings that were making them whiny and hard to live with.

Crying and tantrums heal the hurt, although by all appearances, your child feels worse than ever while it's happening. If you keep offering loving words and gentle looks while he works his feelings through, he'll feel closer to you and much relieved when he's done, and he won't be blaming his unhappiness on his sibling. His unhappiness will have been scrubbed away by the heartfelt emotional work he just did.

Key to this strategy is your understanding that your love is enough, even when you can't help right away. Your attention during an explosion of feelings (even from the other side of the room) is noticed by your child. Your voice and your eyes will convey your caring, and help to right the wrongs that your child is feeling. You are not neglecting him, nor are you causing more pain. While you patiently listen to a crying or tantruming child, you are doing a good job as a parent, and your child is doing a good job of getting rid of the bad feelings he doesn't want to live with.