Adjusting to Having a New Brother Part 2 - Los Angeles,CA

Do you show your daughter, with your everyday actions, that she is as important to you as her brother? Your initial reaction to this question is probably "Of course I do!" But do you really?

For example, she probably has to wait for your help a lot. She wants something and you ask her to wait while you change a diaper, finish nursing, etc. Do you also make it clear that sometimes the baby has to wait while you help her? If the baby starts to fuss while you are helping your daughter, say out loud "I hear you Baby, but I'm helping J. right now. I can help you when I'm done." No, the baby won't understand you but it's also not going to hurt him to let him fuss for a few minutes. And your daughter will start to get the message that yes, sometimes she has to wait while you help Baby. But also sometimes Baby has to wait while you help her.

Think of other ways it might seem to her that you put the baby first, and try to come up with a reasonable plan. If she wants to play while you are nursing, you can say "I can put baby down and play with you in 10 minutes." Then DO it (don't just say it to put her off, actually play with her in 10 minutes).

Make time for just you and her sometimes. Once a week, have daddy/grandma/whoever stay with the baby for an hour and have a special daughter-mom breakfast out (or whatever one-on-one thing she wants to do).

In my opinion, you don't encourage kids to be close by making them spent every minute together. You encourage them to be close by making them understand they are not competing with each other for your love and attention. And actions speak a lot louder than words.

You have almost no control over the outcome of a sibling relationship.

The best you can do is treat them equally and fairly, keeping in mind that fair doesn't always mean exactly the same. Sometimes you're going to have to be blunt with your daughter - your brother needs me now, knock it off - and sometimes you're going to be telling your son - because your sister is older, that's why, knock it off.

Just raise your kids and don't put undue importance on their kid-drama. Don't put up with too much of it, but don't bend over backwards to soothe anyone either.

As others have said this is something you really can't control. Of course we all dream of kids who are best friends but children are individuals after all, you can't actually make them like each other. There is no magic spell for this, sadly.
So encourage away, and make sure they treat each other with respect, but ultimately you need to let go of what you can't control.

It is something you cannot control. You cannot force it.

I do believe with her age, that she might be going through some stage of new independence, etc.

I was 6 when my brother was born and it was holy hell (at least I admit it). I had been the only child and only grandchild for 6 years and it was an adjustment. My mom did force me to help care for him, etc and then I ended up being the babysitter so I had some pretty resentful feelings from early on.

My mom wanted us to be close but due to age differences we have never been close. We are as different as night and day, rarely speak... only when he calls me asking for $$ and I say no, I am not your bank.

I believe in teaching them to respect each other. As far as a more personal experience, I have an one and only and never had a regret about that.

I found at that age there were sometimes big leaps in development.

One of my kids decided quite abruptly that they no longer cared for their younger sibling. I was ok with it - I just enforced you have to be kind and respect them - you don't have to be best buds - thing.

In other words, it's ok to feel as you do, but it's not ok to be mean or rude. And as for accepting that mom is busy with baby, that's just part of life - my older ones still groan sometimes if I have to read a story to a younger one, or I'm not available. It's resentment, and I think that's a natural part of sibling rivalry.

I think just keeping to "This is my time with the baby, and next it will be your turn" is the way I handled it. I tended to downplay how much work the baby was - I'd sort of play with my kids, and nurse baby while sitting with them. Or they'd play and I'd have baby in the swing next to them.
I often passed baby off to dad.

She may not be sweet towards her brother for a while. That's ok. I wouldn't force it. Just make sure when you do spend time with her, you're doing some undivided attention time. That's not possible all the time, but when you can - pass dad baby, and she'll see that she hasn't lost you to your son :)

Good luck

I think you have to recognize what you can control, and what you can't. It helps to understand that you have a 3 year old and an infant - they have absolutely NOTHING in common except a last name! They are radically different developmentally, and perhaps in personality as well (too soon to tell on the baby but you know what I mean).

She's doing totally normal things - being a big girl and showing you how independent she is, but she's also regressing and doing the crying routine to get attention. You can encourage her to express her feelings - but she's 3. There's a limit to what she can express. But if she resents him, that's normal - he turned her life upside down, he took "her" mommy away, and that's how she sees it.

If she doesn't want to go in your room, fine. Don't try to change her mind. I'd get less upset when she's cranky and actually do less praising when she's helpful/accepting to him. Try to have more things on an even keel so she doesn't have big swings in her moods and attitudes. You don't accept the nastiness toward you - you walk away (calmly but decisively) - and you teach her not to accept meanness herself by doing so. You attend to the baby's needs and her needs - you can comment that they need different things, that she needed "his" things when she was an infant and he will need "her" things when he is 3.

If they become close, it will be when they are older and the age difference isn't so much. It will happen when he can do more things, talk, be funny, etc. but the degree will be based on the mix of their 2 personalities.

It will get worse again when he is walking and into her stuff. You don't try to change her feelings - you try to change and direct what she does with them. Hitting, screaming, damaging things, etc. - those aren't allowed (whether they are directed at you or him). Having time alone is fine. Withdrawing from the family until she gets her way is not. She'll get more privileges sooner though, because she will always be older. That's a good thing to put in her mind.

I'm not close to my brother, never was, never will be. Some people have it, some don't. But if you seem to expect it or demand it when she is still unhappy about him being her, she will likely defy you.

Work on peaceful coexistence and respect, and let the closeness develop (or not) on its own.

Back off. She is learning how to deal with the new sibling. Let her.

My daughter wasn't real happy having a brother. She wanted a sister. Oh well. She would complain and I would say "yep, I completely understand, I had a little brother too". She was allowed to voice her unhappiness but what she wasn't allowed was to be nasty, hurtful or mean to him. When he got older, they did play well together. Most of the time. He worshipped the grown she walked on. She thought he was pretty sweet and annoying!!! =)

They are now 26 and 22. His teen years were very rough on all of us and their relationship is finally back on track. They text and call each other. Its great to see.

Bottom line, you can't force it. Let her work this out on her own.

She doesn't have to like her brother. It wasn't her idea to have him. My second daughter didn't like her new twin siblings at all and use to draw pictures of her family excluding them. I figured that as long as she didn't hurt them it was ok. They've grown closer as they've gotten older and now call and text all the time.

Chalk up your daughter's current state to her getting a little older and being around other kids. When she says negative things about her brother tell her that you are sorry she feels that way but he's a member of the family and she'll just have to deal with it. Her screaming and carrying on is pretty normal with or without a sibling so don't put much stock into it. Also I wouldn't let her words have too much impact on you. At this age they are learning that their words can hurt or help a situation. She says mean things to gauge your reaction. If she says something that's not ok stop it asap. If she says things to get you to feel sorry for her then know that she's manipulating you so you'll feel bad and focus attention on her.

Try to set aside some time each day to do something without your son around. That will help her be the center of attention and have you all to herself and should cut down on her comments about her brother.

Mynewnickname said exactly what I was going to say.

kids don't change and grow in a nice steady smooth upward arc. it happens in fits and starts, in leaps and backtracking.
it's great to encourage her to use her words, and to encourage her to express herself (i don't think i would 'reward' it in the way you seem to mean). acknowledging her expression of her feelings is great.
and like all of us who have more than one, you figure out how to pay attention to both. sometimes that means 'acknowledging her feelings' while you're feeding or changing the baby. sometimes it means that you have snuggle time with just her while daddy enjoys some one-on-one with baby.
sometimes she has to be temporarily on the back burner while a must-do situation with the baby is handled. it's fine. it's good for her to learn that her little wants and desires and tantrums are okay, but will not be pandered to.
and you can't force closeness. they're way too far apart in age to be close right now, and probably for a long time. you will seriously shoot yourself in the foot if you try to orchestrate it. and if you're serious about allowing her to have her own emotions and reactions, you won't try to manage their 'closeness.' you can and should insist upon respectful and courteous behavior, but beyond that stop being 'scared.' they're unique individuals, and can't be micromanaged into their feelings.
khairete
S.

Kids go through phases and this is one. It will pass.
She doesn't have to like him, but she can't interfere with your taking care of him.
Pretending to cry should not get her attention. She SHOULD get attention for positive behavior.

I would imagine that she's right around 3 or so now. At 3, they really change. All of a sudden they are more aware of the world around them; they have found their voice and they can verbally express their feelings. It's like they go into their room one night and come out the next morning a different person. Happens again at around 13.

I do think you should acknowledge her feelings and let her know that she is entitled to have them and that you understand them.

I wouldn't worry about the closeness yet. They are still very young for that. Don't try to force it - if it's meant to be, it will be.

I agree with other posters that you should try to carve out some one on one time with your daughter, not only when he's asleep, but let her see you leave the baby with daddy or a sitter and take her somewhere - make her feel special.

It sounds very normal to me. My son was 5 when his little sister was born. He loves her but she does annoy him and has taken up our attention that used to be all for him. This is a normal part of having a sibling and I think it has helped to teach him he cannot be the center of attention all the time. It's good for him to be forced to share and to be forced to think of the needs of someone else. They love each other dearly now at 6 and 11 but they know how to push each others buttons at times. Some times the younger one really annoys the older one. Sometimes he is teaching her something new or reading to her and they are so sweet with each other. At age 10 he said he liked it better before his sister came along because he liked getting all the attention. Yup. I always encourage him to talk about his feelings and I let him know the respectful way to treat his sis if he is being rude. Anyway...you just can't give your daughter as much attention as she used to get. This is normal and just fine! You don't want to raise a spoiled child who expects all the attention all the time. She will get used to her brother. It's good for her. Just make sure she is getting special mom time when brother is napping...perhaps plan an art project together. Plan fun things you normally do with her like a walk in the neighborhood while you carry little brother. There will be times they are sweet with each other and there will be times they can't stand each other. This is what almost all siblings go through! My younger brother was my playmate when we were little. Then middle school through high school we argued a lot and got on each other's nerves. Then after college we became good friends again. My two stepsisters always fought like crazy when we were kids. Real fights! They are now friends as adults. If siblings have very different personalities sometimes there is nothing you can do to make them really get long...but you do have to make sure they are respectful to each other.

My sister is 22 months younger than me.
My Mom had her so 'I wouldn't be lonely'.
Trouble was we were nothing alike and never got along.
She knocked down my blocks when she was 6 months old and things went down hill from there.
New and exciting things to try - merry go rounds, Ferris wheels, petting zoos - she cried over EVERYTHING - and because SHE couldn't enjoy it 'I' was forced to go along with her cause 'I was the big sister'.
We got older and Mom was careful to give us exactly the same things maybe in slightly different colors.
It didn't matter what she got - she always wanted mine.
As teens (I FINALLY got a room of my own when I went on strike, took my sleeping bag and slept anywhere that wasn't with her) - she wouldn't stay out of my room (she got to keep the big room, I ended up with a tiny barely had room for a bed and dresser space) - she kept snooping through my stuff - and I totally left her stuff alone (her style wasn't what I liked).
I came home one day and found a glass of water on my dresser (she'd leave glasses of liquids all over the house) - so I took it to her room and threw the water in her face - yeah that turned into a knock down pull your hair out brawl - I wanted a pad lock on my room.

I guess my point is - DO NOT FORCE THEM to be together.
If they can play nice - fine - but the minute they can't - everyone goes to separate corners/rooms/floors/etc and gets out of each others hair.
Siblings might be a gift sometimes but just as often they can be a curse - and you don't know which it's going to be.

I'm 53 - my sister lives in a different state and it's a pity we have to share the same time zone - we STILL don't get along and never will.

They'll be fine. She just got some good decent peer interactions and saw how the bigger kids act. They got rewarded for going to the bathroom, even if it's the teacher saying thank you for washing your hands or good job making it to the potty in time.

She sees how kids her age act.

Just wait until she meets one of her classmates little siblings and sees all the attention they get for having a cute baby around. She'll be trying to sneak him to school with her every day.

When we took our little guy to Head Start for a parent meeting all the girls sat around his carrier and sneaked kisses on his cute cheeks. So suddenly big sis got attention for being a big sister.

Perhaps she's discussed bigger/smaller siblings with friends at school? That might be why the change suddenly, and how she has figured it out... her friends/playmates maybe don't like their siblings?

My kids always (well, almost all the time) got along quite well and played nicely together. Boy and girl, 3 years age difference. I can't really say why. Maybe some kids just click better. Maybe it's more of a function of their personalities. Maybe it's more driven by how our family operates/ed as a whole. I don't have any way to know which parts or how much of which parts played the bigger role.

They are teens now. Son is a senior in high school, daughter is a freshman. She rides with him to school in the mornings this year. These days they tend to have their own friends and do their own thing. But they mostly get along when they are together still.

She has always wanted to do whatever he could do. And she was very capable. So the age gap didn't make as large of an issue as you might imagine. Except for things like roller coaster/rides as the amusement park. There was a brief period when she wasn't tall enough yet to ride all the things he could.

The only thing I distinctly recall, with any specificity, was one day when she was about 3 weeks old and it was just the 3 of us at home. I was feeding her, and he wanted to show me something (or something). I told him that I would be happy to see it, but first I needed to finish feeding his sister. It was the first time he expressed any anger about her disrupting his world. Because really, except for that sort of thing, she didn't disrupt his world.
I gave him this whole spiel about how we're all family and we all love and look out for each other. He's the only brother she has. She's the only sister he has. And while he now needed to share time with his dad and myself, she was born into a world with a brother, and would never have time with us that didn't involve sharing with him. He had 3 years where we took care of all of his needs without needing to share. Now, she needed taking care of, and she would be, but she'd still be sharing.
When he was a baby, we fed him, changed him, rocked him, read to him, etc. Just him. She was getting fed, while I was reading him a book. Or getting changed so I could carry her into his room and look at what he had built. I rocked her and talked with him at the same time.
So, even though the ways we spent time together were a little different and not always without sharing, it was all she would know.

Now, did that have any impact on him and how he viewed his sister and their relationship going forward? I have no idea. But he never complained about her. He was patient and loving. He showed her how to hold toys, what to do with them. He loved to make her laugh and dress her up like superheroes. When she was a toddler he'd go in her room with her and put every hair bow she owned in her hair and then bring her out to me to show her off. He loved having her around.

But I can't say what we *did* to cause it. Or even that we did *cause* it. He was never allowed to speak ill of her or to her. That was corrected. And vice versa. She wasn't allowed to hit/pinch/poke him, either. He was taught that boys look out for and protect girls. She was taught to respect persons, and that it wasn't ok to take advantage of her being a girl to bully a boy.

Without knowing how you interact with your kids (both together and individually) it's impossible to make any kind of suggestion about what you might try to do differently. Neither of our kids were in preschool before age 4, so I'm not sure what might have been different if they had. Perhaps your daughter feels "sent away" so that you have alone time with the baby? (and I'm not suggesting that is a bad idea, only how she might perceive it.)

Just try to include her as much as you can, without forcing her to "work" to help. Keep things fun and let her help as much as she is interested. Let her feel appreciated and like she is truly helpful.

Good luck.

three years is sooo little. try to be patient. I would suggest taking her out for ice cream or maybe to her favorite restaurant, just the two of you, and having a good talk. obviously at 3 it might be a little one sided, but praise her for telling you her feelings and don't dismiss them. but then also explain that little brother is so helpless and little that he needs a lot of care, and we must take care of him, look out for him, etc. things you're probably already telling her. I think the setting, and the extra one-on-one attention, will help her really hear you.

otherwise, she can feel however she wants to feel - but she must respect the baby and treat him with kindness. no exceptions.

don't try to force them to have a relationship. they may grow up and never have much in common. most likely they'll grow to love each other. either way it won't have much to do with anything you do or don't do. hang in there mama.

Please stop expecting so much of her! It's perfectly normal and okay for her to not "like" her brother at this age. Those two will go through periods over the years where they are best buddies, bitter enemies and everything in between. You are going to drive yourself and them crazy if you are constantly trying to micromanage their relationship.
Of course you can't tolerate them being dangerous or cruel to each other but when she says she doesn't like him or how he smells just acknowledge it, shrug it off and move on. It's really NOT that big of a deal, and by (again) trying to micromanage her feelings you're just going to make it harder and more work than it needs to be.