Neighbor's Son - Urinates on Floor. What Would You Have Done?

She is well aware of the issue, and she does need to know. My thought goes to Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

If it had happened at my house, I would have made him come clean it up, and then told him he is not welcome in my home to play or anything else until he sincerely apologizes AND the issue is dealt with. Make it clear to the mom that it is not personal towards her and you feel very sympathetic, but that he needs to know that he has WAY crossed a line.

Ewwwwww.
My friend went through something like this with her son.
She has 2 boys, about 3 years apart, and the little one loved to pee on everything. When I mean everything I mean...space heaters, his brother's head while he was sleeping, his toys, books, on the floors (in every room), etc etc etc.
It eventually faded...after all he had left in his room was a mattress and his pillow (basically what he hadn't peed on at that point).
I totally would have approached the mom. You can always say something like "I don't want you to feel bad or embarrassed but I thought I should let you know......"
Yeesh, sorry it happened! Good Luck!

Yikes-I would NOT let my son play with this child anymore. That is some crazy behavior and no telling what else he may do.

I think this is your "in" to recommend counseling ASAP. Take advantage of this incident tell her it happened and you dont feel comfortable letting him in your house again, that you feel the need to limit his contact with your son until he has gone thru counseling. If she doesnt realize he has gone beyond "naughty" and slipped into emotionally disturbed maybe she needs you to tell her you do not consider this a normal boy accident but a cry for help.

He needs professional help and she needs lots of compassion. He figured out something to use against his mom-and frankly, it's his age that upsets me. I am on the verge of tears-because he knows that this is punitive and dirty and debases the person who has to clean up the mess. She needs to know what her son did so that she can move forward and get him some help. Next he will be torturing small children and animals-and I think you know the progression-it's not pretty. Let her know that you are there for her-and never let your son alone with hers until this gets sorted out and treated-trust me-I spent years studying this behavior-how and when it started and what the children became later in life. Good luck-God bless you.

Do not EVER leave your son unsupervised with this child. I would really be careful about how often you let these two play together!

Mom needs to know about the incident, even though I think you are sweet to be considerate of her feelings, she needs to know.

If he should ever ask to use your bathroom again, I would say "no, because the last time you were in my bathroom, you peed all over the place and I'm not going to allow that to happen in my home."

This is a tough situation because you have to live by her, so I know you want to keep a good neighborly relationship, but her boy needs help. Serious help. Good luck, keep us posted on this!

Cause and effect: you make a mess, you clean it up. You destroy, you help rebuild. You treat people poorly, you end up with no friends.

This kid is in full control of his actions. The natural consequences must be allowed to play out.

I think you should tell her what happened not out of anger, but out of concern. She does need to know that her son is doing this outside of his own home now. You punishing him would not have helped either of them. He needs more than just discipline. This is a great opportunity for you to discuss this with your son. Let him know that his friend has some problems to work through, and hopefully you will be helping your son to be a patient, kind friend.

Since she confided in you, this will be the perfect time for you to suggest that she might start discussing these issues with her son's doctor, and maybe she can start getting him the help he needs and deserves. She is lucky to have a friend and neighbor like you, sounds like she needs all the support she can get!

Maybe if he is held accountable for what he had done and has to do the work the rectify the situation, he won't be as likely to pee on someone's floor (or all over their entire bathroom???) the next time he has to go to the bathroom. Accountability and consequences are a pretty good deterent if they are implemented consistently.

I am thinking though that your neighbor's son has bigger issues to deal with. Perhaps you can find a way to suggest to her, as delicately but clearly as possible, that he should be evaluated by a child psychologist. I don't even know how they can think they can help this child if they don't have clear information of what they are dealing with.

Something sounds very developmentally "off" with this child.

His mom needs to know what happened - it's a toss-up whether I would have asked that he come clean it up. If it were my child I would want to know. Can you imagine your child never being invited anywhere because of something like that? He needs to know that that is what *will* happen - it's just a matter of time.

Somebody really needs to help this kid - he could be headed for even bigger disaster.

I probably would have cleaned it up but I would have let the mom know what happened.
I think her son is in very real danger because he is displaying some seriously scary symptoms.

She needs to talk to her son's pediatrician for a referral to a specialist who can address his issues. It sounds like something isn't quite right there and it may have nothing to do with parenting.

In your recent situation, I would have asked the boy to clean it up. If he refused, I would have just cleaned it up (not worth battling someone else's child) and then told his mom what happened. Something gentle like, "I had a situation come up when Joey was here that I thought you'd want to know about ..."

I would tell the mom calmly... she needs to know her son's behavior is not just in her home or towards her for attention, but that he is now acting out towards others as well. It sounds like he has some social issues that needs to be dealt with professionally.

It sounds like this child has some serious problems. I'd do some digging into some resources for her to get her son help and stop by to talk to her. Let her know in a completely dispassionate way what happened and tell her that you were thinking about the conversation you had and that you found this information on a local resource center.

I would also work out a way to kindly let her know that he son isn't welcome at your house as a result of this incident until you can receive an apology from him and assurance he will be on his best behavior and be respectful of your home (assurance being that he is receiving help/therapy). Something like, "I'm not angry, but I really can't have Johnny over to play with Sammy until he can assure me that he will be on his best behavior. I hope you understand."

If you can't do that then let her know what happened, and have a rule they can only play OUTSIDE and with adult supervision. You can even tell her that you'd like to talk with him about it in front of her. Sometimes we have objectivity and the ability to be unemotional when parents in the middle of a situation don't.

Sometimes parents don't or won't do anything about out of control behavior because they don't know what to do and also they don't know how bad the behavior is until they act out in some REALLY egregious way in public or in a way that affects others the way this boy did.

Either way, I disagree that your son has anything to do with this or should have anything to do with it. 9 years old is way too young to be responsible for an out of control friend who behaves like problem child. It's fine to teach your child to be compassionate and stand up for the underdog...but this is different--someone who is blatantly disrespectful and destructive. Think about that same type of behavior in high school. Not someone you want you kid hanging out with.

Not out of line...but from now on I would limit their playing time, and not allow him in your house ever again. I would also, state...in front of mom if she is there, otherwise to him next time he is around, that you do not allow children to pee on things in your home, and not clean them up so, he is no longer invited inside your house, ever, for any reason. If mom ever asks why I would explain frankly what he did, and that you don't mind the kids playing, supervised, but that you do not allow that type of behavior, so her son cannot be in your home.

My co-worker was telling me a similair story about a party their friends had three weeks ago. Stepson (9 years old) purposefully diarrehead on the floor, all over the toilet, and seat (o.k. so MAYBE an accident) but then he wiped his butt all the way across the carpet to clean himself - literally a slide of poop all over the carpet. This child has no learning disorder or anything that would promote this type of behavior...just did it.

I would have called her and if I was the mom of that boy he would have been sent over to clean it! He is fully aware that what he is doing is wrong and mom needs to get him some help. It's only going to get worse as he gets older.

I wouldn't have asked her to have him come and clean it up (I doubt that would have meant anything to him anyway) but I would have told her that he did it. It sounds like he needs a lot of help. I actually have a similar problem with my daughter right now and I'm looking into professional help for that.

I agree w/ everyone so far... the boy needs help! I'm not sure if I would have insisted on him cleaning it up but I would have told her. Just for the simple fact that she needs to know he is doing this to others as well. On the other hand... another adult making him clean up a mess may hit him a little harder. Kids usually behave better for others lol. I would try to talk to her about counselling for him... he's only 9 and acting like a teenager. He could turn very violent as he gets older!

Omg, what a naughty naughty boy! I absolutely would have called him up. When mom asnwered the phone I would have told her what happened and then asked to speak to her son.
"Listen Johnny, it is DISGUSTING that you just peed all over my floor and toilet. You will come to my house NOW and clean it up. Your mother knows what you did and she will bring you here. That kind of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE at MY house and you will not be coming here again for a couple of weeks. I can not believe that you did that!" Angry voice, capital words are for FORCED angry voice. If you can make it shake a bit like you are really pissed off that is good too. :)
That boy is plenty old enough to know that he can't pull that kind of stunt. yeah, the mom probably is going to be embarassed, oh well! His mom doesn't want to parent him in his house, fine. But when he comes to YOUR house YOUR rules are followed.
I really and truly can't believe a kid would do that, it's just unbelievable to me.

This is so disturbing, because he is 9, and because of how he acted afterwards. So I honestly wouldn't have asked or insisited he clean it up because I wouldn't want him back in my home, period. I would be keeping a healthy distance, and never allowing my child to be alone with him.

Please be patient with your neighbor. She is burdened with a very troubled son who desperately needs intervention from a mental health specialist. Refusing to stay clean and fouling one's nest is not normal behavior. Hitting or throwing something at his mother is not normal behavior. Trust me, asking her to clean it up would be tantamount to rubbing her nose in it - this woman is obviously over her head already and is probably scared out of her wits already. If your neighbor is passive, the son may be acting out because he feels insecure with a "weak" parent. GENTLY ask your neighbor if she has had her son assessed by a medical or psychological professional.

No, you wouldn't have. A nine year old can clean up the mess he makes in someone's home. It would have been good for him.

However, it sounds like something is seriously wrong with her parenting. I think worse things are in the cards for that boy.

I don't think you would have been out of line, he is 9, plenty old enough to clean a mess. I would have cleaned it up myself but let the mom know what happened. On another note I would probably not let my child play with this kid unless I was right there too.

I agree with Robin & Hazel. The boy needs psychological help. If he was 5 or 6 and did this (even on purpose), I would say he is immature and needs discipline. But at his age, that is just...wrong. He may have something seriously wrong with him, as in a childhood mental illness.

You should have called and made him come clean it up. His own mom doesn't sound like she has any consequences for him when he does this at home so he does it where ever he wants. And I would let him in my house ever again either no matter how bad he had to pee next time!!!

S.

Hello, This boy is crying out for help and his mother is not hearing it. He needs to be taken to a therapist to get this help. I would make it clear that he is not allowed to use your restroom (if it comes up again). It probably won't do any good to talk to him unless he asks to use it. He sounds like he would be happy to know that he has upset you. But, again, if he asks to use your restroom, I would look him in the face and tell him that because of what he did, he will not be able to use your restroom. I would not allow any excuses or other dialogue. He knows what he did and right now may feel like he is in complete power. Take it away from him. I would also not allow my son to be alone with him. I babysat a boy much like this and he used to take a bat to his mother and sister. He did not give me any trouble. I made it very clear in my daycare that I was in control and that we would have lots of fun, but if rules were broken they would have consequences.
Good luck.
K. K.

I would've gone over to the house - and told the boy to come and clean the mess he made. If he refused - I would have threatened to call the police (destruction of property charges) and to notify his school. I think you made a mistake to clean it up and let him think he won. There is no way this should be tolerated.
If the Mom is submissive - she needs help, may be you missed an opportunity to help her stand up to this obviously disturbed child and to seek some help. It takes a village... many abused people need someone to tell them they are abused and help them to seek help.

Honestly..I know I myself am submissive and if someone pointed that out to M. I'd be mortified and would be apologetic for months and it would be constantly on my mind and would affect my friendship with the person...I J. know thats how I am. I wouldn' be upset with my friend I qould J. feel horrible, and it sounds like shes that way too..if you made him clean it up, it doesnt sound like he would have since he fights her physically, it would have been a physical match in your bathroom where iit seems he would have won and she would;ve been mortified and cleaned it up. I think you did the right thing by cleaning it.....also I wouldn't bring it up right away I would ask her to go to lunch or a girls night out, it seems like she needs it, and speak to her about her son, ask if hes improoving, give suggestions on counseling, and if shes in the dark casually mention it...don't call her J. to talk about that, it would make her feel horrible...it sounds like he has some issues that need to be addressed so I would do it soon, but be there for HER as a friend, don't worry about him so much, thats her cross to bear, but she probably needs a friend to get away from it with and enjoy a night out, I wouldn't let them play alone though, and I would limit the amt of time your son sees him supervised, without letting your son or her know

I dont think I would have asked her to clean it up but I would have told her he did it. He sounds like he's got some mental issues that need to be seen to by a professional.

I wouldnt have called her and made him clean it up, but I would let her know. She shouldnt let him use someone elses bathroom if hes going to do that. It may have been an accident since he had to go so bad, but he came out smiling? Doesnt sound like an accident. I wouldnt let my kid play with him either. He has major issues and she needs to get him some help, or at least her some help on how to deal with him. There is no way my kid would be playing with him.

Wow, that's just ridiculous. That's not your problem to deal with and definately would have been in the right to call the mom! I mean, I would understand if the boy was like, 3, but for heaven's sake, NINE! That's insane. He clearly has issues and so does she if she's not doing anything to better his condition!

Hello! This just doesn't sound right? This sounds like more than just a bad kid. Maybe mom should think about having him tested or evaluated for autisum or something else. Maybe he's going undiagnosed and everyone just thinks he's a bad kid when it may not be his fault. Just a thought. :)

it's going to get worse. I'd got to the pediatrician, and then to the therapist. That kid needs help.

Well, that is what she should have been doing all along, but since she hasn't I would watch him the next time he goes in to use your restroom. I would be up front and say to him, I will walk you in and if you accidentally potty on my floor, you will clean it up. I bet he won't miss.

No. If he pees on the floor, he should clean it up. I also wouldn't let him come over as long as he does the behavior. Maybe he should be taken somewhere to clean bathrooms. And, where is dad when all this going on?

I wouldn't do that. I would call her and tell her that he can't come back to your home. She needs to get him under control. If she can't do it herself or safely then she needs to get help. This is not NORMAL behavior.

Hell no you wouldnt have been out of line! And she should be embarrassed! That is ridiculous...This child has some serious issues. How old is he? I hope she is not allowing a young child to do these things. Parents please take back control of your kids! Not showering, peeing on the floor, hitting and throwing stuff at her! Please dont tell me this is a young child. If so, it is a shame that she has no control over him and allow him to act this way. Cause if he is a young child, she can stop him from acting this way. If he is a older kid I would send him to juvenile. I would not tolerate no child being physically abusive toward me. I cannot stand a hard headed child!

I wouldn't say anything at this point. His mom knows he pees on the floor.
Next time he asks to use your bathroom, just say no.
They only live 3 doors down so he can go home.
This mom has issues with her child and you likely can't really help her with any of them until she does something about it herself.

I honestly don't know what the right answer is, but this kid is in serious need of help. I would at least call the mother to let her know it happened and tell her your concerns and offer support. Hopefully she will take it seriously enough to look into it further.

Dear D., Yes, i would for feel bad for my firend. But you should have insisted that he come back and clean up his mess.
This same thing happened to my aunt who had a small retail store. A woman asked if her son could use the bathroom and he went in an smeared his poop all over the toilet seat and bowl. My aunt just happened to notice when they left that thay had gone to another store just a couple of doors down. Another employee happened to notice the mess in the bathroom. So my aunt went to the store they had gone to and waited out side. When they came out she told the boys mother what he had done, and insisted that they both go in to the bathroom and clean it, they did. This boy is too old to get away with this. Maybe you can tell him that he is not allowed to play at your house untill he learns to behave.

Absolutely not! You are not his keeper and he is incredibly disturbed. Regardless of the reasons, this child needs some immediate professional interaction and who knows if it will help. There are few types of people in general that would have so little self respect (not to mention respect for friends and neighbors) that would ever do such a thing. I am in full support of your frustration and think that you would have been IN LINE making him clean up his filthy mess.

This is a GIGANTIC BRIGHT RED flag waving...this is way more than a frustrated mother dealing with a child..she is not equipped to handle the mind of a child that does such a thing. Professional assistance should be suggested immediately.

PS. I'm sorry that this is your friend/neighbor, this is a difficult situation..

I absolutely would have called the kid over and made him clean it up. But more than that, I would recommend that the kid be seen by a counselor. Even someone at school (I can't imagine he behaves any better in the school environment than at home). It sounds like he could have oppositional defiant disorder or something along those lines. I would also recommend keeping YOUR kid away from him. You don't want him being a bad influence. good luck!

I think calling when you were angry would have been a bad idea. I DO think it is appropriate to let the mom know what he did. I think I would suggest a consequence - one easy one being that he is not allowed to use your bathroom again without supervision. Another consequence could be that he would come over an do a simple chore at your house (take out the trash). I wouldnt pick anything too demanding or complicated, because there could be even more problems enforcing this. That would be his way to pay you back fo the time you spent cleaning up his mess.

Not in your question - but it sounds like the mom needs some help. Either the son has some kind of special needs, or the mom needs some parenting classes.

I think you did GREAT.

Her son and her *obviously* need therapy (because what they're doing isn't working)... but that's not your battle (thank god). I mean, you *could* choose to become the rock, but (in my experience) desperate moms latch onto anyone who can help them with their out of control child. I would really want that person to be their counselor, and NOT me. Mostly, because boundary lines are firmly drawn in counseling.

What I have done/ would do:

Next time something comes up, it's simple consequences:

"Sorry honey, last time you decided to pee all over the floor."

He may well call you a liar, or get aggressive. You don't need to even do more than give him the raised eyebrow smile. I mean you COULD choose to become his disciplinarian... but that's a real can of worms.