We recently moved in to a new small neighborhood. I have two boys 6 & 3. We have a new neighbor that has two girls 2 1/2 & 6. The problem is the girls show up on my doorstep every single day wanting to play. It is impossible for our family or the boys to be outside and not have them show up to join. Sometimes we just want family time! They usually stay for hours on end and sometimes the 6 year old heads home and leaves the baby here. I am not a babysitter. On top of it, we have never had the parents check in. I have yet to meet the mother. One time the Dad came and picked the 6 year old up, left for an appointment and left the baby with me. After four hours I finally had my son walk her home (she's still in a diaper). Not a single check in from the mom. There are times when the baby wanders over by herself?!? I have just started telling them that "today is not a good day to play" and I'm followed by "whyyyyyy?". Now she stands at the fence and yells how mean my son is for not playing and that he's not invited to her birthday party. I've also overheard her telling him he's a meanie or she doesn't want to be his friend if things don't go her way. My 6 year old has sensory issues and is highly sensitive. The last thing he needs is that kind of behavior from another child. He thinks he's a bad kid and gets very down on himself.
Sorry for the rant, I'm just not sure how to proceed since we've not formally met the parents and new to the whole neighhood friend stuff. All I know is that I do not allow my kids into their house (since we don't know the parents) and I don't expect them to be watched by others or wander the neighborhood. I guess I just expect the same from others. Looking for advise!
Thank you very much to everyone who commented. I see that the advise across the board was to speak with the parents and set limits. I have a hard time with confrontation but I think it needs to be done!
I also want to add that I have briefly talked with the Dad, who seems nice enough. I have never really had a chance to speak with the mother. My biggest issue is that the parents just are not watching the kids (never once have they checked in or poked their head outside the house (we have a direct view of the home) and we feel completely taken advantage of, especially when it comes to the toddler since I have to watch her like a hawk!
I'm sorry but a 2 yr old with nothing but a 6 yr old to look after her is child neglect.
I'd be thinking about calling CPS to do a well check up on those kids.
If a 2 yr old came to my door, I'd take her home once, maybe twice, after that I might call the police and let them take her home from then on.
Knock knock knock....
"Hello! I am your new neighbor, E.! It's nice to meet you! I have met your children, they are adorable. As much as my kids enjoy playing with your kids, I have to cut back on the amount of time. We would love to have them over once or twice a week."
You may be the only "sunshine" in these children's lives. And while it is certainly not your job to take care of them, it probably doesn't hurt to love on them a bit. BUT YES...definitely set boundries!!! If you can only have them over once a week or twice, then that's what you do. We used to have neighbors like that at our old apartment. The children just took to walking in my house! I finally put a gate up at my front door to slow them down. Never met the parents. But these 5 boys were raggedy, dirty, and hungry. So I fed them, washed their feet, and let them play...until they got to rowdy and needed to be sent home. Maybe I had a positive influence in their lives...I'll never know.
Maybe you will be a positive influence in their lives.
Next time they come over, walk them back and introduce yourself. Tell them that your kids like to play with the girls, but you prefer to have advance notice, so you would like them (mom or dad) to call you before sending the girls over so that you can make sure it's a good time. Then give them your number.
Then, each time they come without an advance phone call, you send them home by saying "I'm sorry, your mom or dad is supposed to call before you come over. They didn't call me, so you'll need to go home." Walk them home if needed and repeat the message to the parents.
The problem is the parents. Tell them that you can not babysit their child and to please call to check before allowing them to come to your house. If the so much as say 'well they just go out on their own.' Let them know that THEY are the parents and you are not the baby sitter. Tell them letting a 'baby in diapers' wonder out of the house on her own is neglect.
The 6 year old saying this or that is going to happen most days at school. She is 6 and learning how to behave as is your son. You don't need to make excuses and blame your sons sensory issues as a reason for anything. Most kids who are told they are not invited to a party will get their feelings hurt. That is a hurtful thing to say to someone.
edit: my point about not bringing up your son's sensory issue is because that is not the issue. Once you say that, you are in a way saying 'my son has a problem. It it not you, it is us." Do not use the excuse with them because their behavior is wrong regardless of your son having sensory or not.
Walk over and introduce yourself. It's not that hard. Tell the girls, Hey, show me where your house is, and then go knock on the door. Politely let the mom know that her girls keep coming over and your kids don't have time to play.
I am assuming you haven't let the kids into your house. If you do, you could be held liable if something happens while they visit. ALWAYS have the girls be outside.
Find out what's going on. Maybe mom is dealing with depression. Maybe you also need to assert yourself? I mean, if you are *allowing* (yes, allowing) the dad to leave the baby with you, that's on you. You are teaching them how to treat you. So, don't worry about what the neighbors think. Really, think about it-- if someone said "oh, that mom, she won't be anyone's free babysitter"... do you really think this would upset most people? No. If it continues, if you see any indication of something not right, call CPS. There could be some very real circumstances which are affecting the kids' lives.
I wouldn't expect great behavior from kids whose parents let them run loose at such a young age. Just saying.... I think you need to focus less on the kids behavior and far more on the adults behavior (including your own. Don't send mixed messages. And why isn't the 6 year old in school? Not judging, just a question.)
You really need to ring the doorbell at the neighbor's house and ask if you can come in and talk to both of the parents.
Sit down and tell them that you are really worried about the safety of their children. A 2 1/2 year old should NEVER go outside of the house without an adult. A 6 year old shouldn't be let loose without supervision either.
Tell them that the girls try to come over every day. You cannot be watching 2 children every day other than your own children. Ask them to please understand that the neighborhood is not the place for their kids to run around, and other parents aren't supposed to be babysitting for them. Then thank them and go home.
When it continues, and it probably will because they don't care what they put other people through, call social services and complain. They will finally stop letting their kids come over to your house all the time.
A six year old is one thing, it's easy enough to send a school age child back home with a simple "we're not having anyone over to play right now, you need to go back home."
But a two year old, in diapers??? I would IMMEDIATELY take that baby's hand and walk her right back to her front door and knock until someone responds! If your neighbors are allowing a baby to wander the streets that is clearly neglect and maybe you need to call the police.
In your situation, where the child is so young - I'd go over. Walk them back over and just say "Hi, I'm the mom at the house where your kids keep coming" (if it's next door just say Hello! I'm your next door neighbor!" and say you just wanted to touch base - that some days your kids aren't up for playing and you just want to make sure her kids make it back home ok. You can't have unsupervised kids in your yard - especially if yours are inside or it's family time. You are focussing on yours.
Keep it light and friendly (your tone) and see if that helps.
ETA: I meant to ask - do you want the kids to play together at all? Do you want the mom/dad to call and ask, or are you ok with the kids coming to ask at the door - as long as they leave if you say not today?
Decide what works for your family, and be clear. You can be nice, firm and clear at the same time.
You need to squash this now or you'll be fighting this fight for a long time. The next time the kids show up, take the 2 yr old by the hand and walk both of them back home. Knock on the door and introduce yourself to the mom and dad. Then explain that you are a little confused by them allowing the 6 yr old to bring the baby over without adult supervision. Give them your phone number and tell them to call to see if your kids are available for a play date. Let him/her know that if the kids just show up again without a call you'll be sending them back home every single time. .
I'd walk right over there and introduce myself. You could be greeted with a wide variety of scenarios: perhaps the mother is ill or disabled and barely coping, or maybe she's not there but is at work. Maybe she's mean and neglectful. Maybe she's a young teen mother who hasn't been taught how to protect her children. Maybe she's older and grew up in a neighborhood where everyone watched everyone else's kids and she thinks it's natural to let your kids wander freely. There's so many reasons why such a young baby is left with strangers; some could be explained (though maybe not acceptable) and others are completely wrong.
And I'd be fairly honest, that you're uncomfortable babysitting for someone you haven't met, and your own family responsibilities make it impossible for you to babysit, especially without warning.
Is there a possibility that you could extend the fence? Sure, they can still yell over it, but you could have a fenced yard with a gate.
Are there other neighbors who experience this situation too? Maybe you could introduce yourself and kindly explain that you're a little concerned that this toddler wanders freely into other people's yards.
I hope you won't have to go to extreme lengths, but it seems really worrying to me that a baby could be just basically abandoned in your home. I wouldn't accuse anyone of neglectful behavior, but I'd be very proactive about kindly inquiring about the mom and not stopping until you've met her and informed her that you can't babysit.
as others have said walk them back home tell the parents to call ahead. if the problem persists theen call police to bring the kids home. there is no way on earth i would let a diaper wearing child outside alone. and no way i would ever let my 6 yr old bring that diaper wearing child anywhere. i have a 6 and a 5 yr old. they are only allowed out in the locked fenced yard without me. if they want to be out on the driveway with bikes i am out there too. those parents are the problem. not your child with sensory issues. and if he is getting down on himself for her behavior tell him she is acting like this because she is upset. just ignore her and she will get over it.
No, just, no. This is an accident waiting to happen. What happens if the girls are hurt on their way back home alone? Will the parents try to pin this on you because YOU didn't walk them back home (as if that's your duty!)? Not to mention, the guilt you would feel if something happened. You're not their free babysitting service, and the nerve that the father had to take one child and leave the other behind is just shocking...perhaps if he had asked you to please watch the baby, then MAYBE, and only MAYBE would I be able to excuse him, but still, he is the parent, it is their responsibility to find the time to be home with their kids, or find a babysitter or relative to step up and do that.
The rest of us pay an aftercare or a sitter, why can't they? Are they even compensating you for the time and effort spent in watching their two kids daily? I assume they don't even bother bringing you some dinner, some 'thank you' cookies, and heck, they probably don't even drop off the toddler with clean diapers, so I guess you have to also buy diapers for a child that isn't yours. Not to mention, I find it extremely dangerous to rely on a 6-year-old to babysit and gallivant alone around town with a baby. I would not allow a 6-year-old to wander around unsupervised in the first place, much less with a baby. They could get run over, at the very least. What if it is dark and they get scared? They could fall in a lake, become disoriented, or who knows what.
I would go over to them and introduce myself, and explain that your hands are full in caring for your own two kids. While there may be times that you have some free time for their kids to come over, this is not the case every single day. They are free to call you (or better yet, tell them you'll call) whenever you have time for the kids to come over, BUT they must either be dropped off or an adult must accompany them to your home. Same rules apply for pickup. You do not want the responsibility of them wandering off, getting lost, hurt, or whatever else can happen if the two of them are walking alone. I assume they are not next door, but a few doors, or even a block away. Based on the fence comment, perhaps they live directly behind your house, which would be about half a block.
Honestly, I think by slowly cutting off contact, you'll be better off, considering the children are manipulative (telling your son he is mean and won't be invited to their party unless they're allowed to come to your home all the time) and the parents seem to be freeloading and taking advantage of you. Don't allow it to continue, or else, it will get worse as Diane D. mentioned. If they still let the small children wander around town alone, I would call the police or CPS anonymously and report that there are two young children unattended and walking the streets, and you think the parents need to be contacted. Once the authorities light a fire under their butt, I bet they will be less inclined to be so irresponsible.
Ugh - terrible situation. I get that you want to be a good neighbor, but I agree that you need to go ring the doorbell, introduce yourself, and say "Hi, I'm ____, your new neighbor at #17 Main Street. I found this little girl in my yard" or "I'm sure you had no idea, but your child (or children) wandered over to my yard unsupervised. It's a good thing I was out at that time. I know how tough it can be to keep track of kids so I knew you would want to know."
If you don't get anywhere, you can say outright that you cannot watch 4 kids without a prior arrangement, and that, unfortunately, you will have to send the kids home and ring the doorbell. It's up to you whether you divulge that your child has sensory issues and can't handle so much stimulation (a nicer word that "your child yelling that he's a meanie" although, if you have to, you can share that as well. I guess I would save some of the tougher info for the 2nd or 3rd meeting with the parents.
I think it's okay if you tell your 6 year old that other kids don't always behave well (or haven't been taught well) and just because someone says something doesn't mean it's true. You know him, love him, and know what his true self is like. Remind him of that.
Walk the 2 year old home every time she comes over....that is ridiculous. Say something like, hi, your toddler has wandered off over to my house. Now is not a good time for a toddler play date. I'm not comfortable with a child this young being without her parents or a babysitter. EVERY TIME. Tell the 6 year old sorry, but you cannot come over any time you want to play. You may come over once or twice a week. Not every day. Now is not a good time...please go home. Just tell them each time it is not convenient, Sorry, time for you to go home now. Sorry, you cannot play over here now we are having family time. Sorry, you cannot play over here right now. Our kids will come get you next time they want to play. But also remember that your 6 year old and this neighbor 6 year old may really benefit from being neighborhood friends, so try to keep things matter of fact and friendly. Good luck!
Could you put something on your door or porch area that represents play time? Something bright so they can see it from their home and not come over, like an orange scarf. Then explain to them that they are only allowed to come over when they see that item.
Just tell them they have to go home.
If it is not a good time then tell the children that and send them home, if the smaller child shows up alone or is left alone with you walk her home immediately and return her to the mother. I am assuming mom has an eye on them from a window but she may not realize they are inconveniencing you or making you feel like you have to be responsible for them.
