Well, I'm back to ask another question about the same friend I had asked advice about before. To recap, a friend had betrayed my trust and when I tried to make up with her, she refused and was extremely hostile. (I know it doesn't make much sense...not to me either.) Anyways - almost a year went by with extremely hostile treatment on her part and a lot of sadness on mine. This last Christmas, I tried one last time to reach out and she accepted. We have been trying to rebuild our friendship, though it has been hard since it seemed like too much damage had been done. During the last year, her father had been pretty bad health-wise. (I didn't know until we began talking again.) I talked to her about him almost daily and to her husband who also works with us. Two weeks ago, someone told me that her father had passed over the weekend. I was so distraught. I tried calling both her and her husband. No one would answer. Finally, she texted me and said she was okay, but she didn't want to talk about it. I sent her a card telling her I was here for her. When she came back to work the following week, she sent me a message and said she was avoiding me because she didn't want to talk about. It has been two weeks now and she still hasn't reached out to me.
I think you just need to let it go. You've let her know that you are there. If she wants to talk about it with you, she'll find you.
It could be that she's not ready, and hasn't approached you because the topic will work its way around to her father, and she doesn't want to go there.
M.
By saying you feel "cheated out of being there for her" you are making it about you not her. She is the one suffering the loss of her dad. Respect that. People mourn differently and only she knows what she needs. You have done enough by reaching out and letting her know you are there for her. It sucks what you have been through with the whole friendship thing (she sounds like an odd duck to begin with )but you are not in a position to do anything at this point but wait for her. Sorry I can't be more positive.
Everyone grieves differently. If she doesn't want company, don't push it. In a few months time if she hasn't contacted you, contact her and ask her to go for dinner (or whatever it is you do with friends) with the promise of no discussion about the loss of her father. If she refuses, cut your losses.
You sound very caring and a very concerned friend which is very commendable. We all need a friend like that. But unfortunately, I think you may need to reevaluate your friendship with her. It sounds very one sided. Why are you trying to force it? If she's isn't contributing as much as you are, I would suggest you to let it go. If a friendship becomes more of work than it is of joy, then it's time to go your seperate ways. We all have had friendships with people that have disappeared overtime due to just growing apart. What we had in common at one time may no longer be true due to life changes. You have extended your condolences and so now it is up to her. Do not force the issue. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Sounds to me you may have more invested in this friendship than she does. My advice, is it's time to move on and to establish a friendship with someone else who will be able to appreciate you. Try not to worry you so much. Unfortunately this happens. Good luck.
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I guess I am just not sure why you continue to pursuit a freindship with someone that obviously does not really want one with you. I think that you should back off completely now-you have done what you can. If she is interested she will make the next move.
I'm not trying to be mean, but while it's valid to "feel cheated out of being there for her"--its about what she needs (or perceives she needs). Right now, she says she needs not to be in contact with you. It may be that it's too hard, or she feels that you'll be giving her sympathy eyes and what she really wants is for someone to ask her how the kids are doing in soccer or something like that.
Whatever it is, though, just let it go......The fact that she rebuffed your friendship repeatedly before should've been an indication that the friendship is over.
Yes, it is really hard to be left feeling like you want to give more to someone else, and/or even feel very indebted (with gratitude) for their help. But instead of focusing on her--she doesn't want/need/accept your friendship and help--focus on giving to others to do want/need/accept your help. Take this impulse, which is a wonderful impulse, and give of your time to hospice or a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, etc. Pay it forward for someone else.
When you see her again, don't mention the funeral or her dad's passing unless she brings it up. And follow her lead--if she's cool, just be friendly but don't try to be friends. Do be professional, polite and friendly (take the high road).
Losing a friendship, even a one-sided one, can be a huge loss. Let yourself grieve and move on.
Have you sent a sympathy card? That's O. way you can reach out to her now. It's not abnormal for people going through grief to be overwhelmed and preoccupied with other things.....all you can do is let her know you are sorry for her loss and that you are thinking of her.
So you said you sent her a sympathy card, called, texted and it looks like you have done everything you can. The ball is in her court. I agree with Lucia, you can't make this about YOU. Though we understand that your heart is in the right place... that comment may speak volumes of how you may be coming across to her. On the other side I am getting that she was there for you so you in turn want to repay the favor. But some people are better at being the rescuer and don't deal well with their own emotions. Someday if you get the chance and are having a conversation about this, maybe you could tell her that she was such an anchor for you at your time of sorrow and helped pull you through your grief & how much you appreciated her and however you can be there for her you want to be... but never mention feeling cheated because that turns a positve into a negative and turns your friendship into a guilt trip.
I once had a friend that pursued our friendship into the ground!!!! She was constantly giving me hidden "guilt trip" inuendos that were so passive aggressive and manipulative that I finally had to tell her that I was DONE. I had never had to "break up" with a friend (for lack of a better exampe) until her or since and basically told her that our friendship was too high maintenance for my life right now. She tried a few more times but got the message. It was so hard because I hate hurting people but as soon as she was out of my life the energy in it was so much different.
Sometimes people need to really take a look at why they are being pushed away. It could be that she has a lot of issues or it could be that you push too hard. Give her space. Like I said that ball is in her court. Good luck.
You've done all you can. You did the right thing by showing a lot of compassion. The ball is in her court. Right now she isn't thinking straight because I am sure she is grieving. Give her space...However, if she never reaches out to you that's her problem not yours.. There is only so much energy you can put into a relationship and then it becomes toxic and basically drains yoru life energy...Let it go. I would suggest you concentrate on building into healthier relationships an connect more with other friends .
Leave it be--honestly everyone deals with grief in diff ways and the ball is in her court. Your relationship history seems to suggest that you are always the one to try to mend things and reach out with varying reactions from her. Given the circumstances this time try to give her space without worrying about your past grievances if you truly had moved on from those. Good luck
This person does not want a close relationship with you...period. It is not about her grieving or anything else. I strongly suggest you get some counseling to learn and deal with why you continue to pursue a relationship (friend or otherwise) with someone who treats you so badly. This person will never be the type of friend you obviously crave. Chalk it up to experience and move on with your life. Good luck
Leave it be and cultivate other friendships. If you work together and will see her occassionally just be cordial with a hello, how's your day. Don't pursue anything else. Her actions are proving where she wants to be. I agree with the others. Let it go, but continue to pray for her, if you're a praying person. If not put all that positive energy into yourself and family. Focus on getting your needs met thru other friends/family/church,etc. Some people are in your life at different seasons and maybe your season with that friendship is complete. Stay positive and move forward.
It is a sad thing that her father died. You already gave your condolences but that's it. You need to do your own thing. According to what I am reading she's been awful the full year prior. She is not a friend. Maybe she was just there for you that time and now that seems to be over with. It sort of feels like you are begging to be her friend when it should be the other way around. I feel like you should drop it. She said her peace when she didn't tell you that her father died which is huge! I don't think that stress is worth it. Again do your own thing forget about her.
Return To Me - It's my favorite!!!!!
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Oops, ignore that last response. I hit the wrong button....sorry! Good luck with your dilemma.
