Need Unbiased Advice

It's normal for a girl around to need some space from her mom at some point especially if you have been very close. Don't say a word just be there when she's ready for more.

welcome to mamapedia!!

She's getting new attention from "new" people...

Let it go. Let her bask in this time and when he falls off his pedestal? She'll come running back to mama!

Keep in touch. Keep it low-key. Don't let rumors from others get you upset. You don't know for a fact she said that to your mom...and if she did? She's probably wondering just how fast it would get back to you and your reaction??

She's pregnant. It's hormones too.

Just breathe. Don't force it. Don't run away scared. Sent letters and cards - but don't push. she'll wake up from her fantasy land and all will be right again...

Germany is a great place to be stationed!! Hopefully she's at Ramstein or Landstuhl!! Thank your son in law for his service and sacrifices...

please don't let this get to you...it will pass...

Keep calling and being available. You have a new grandchild on the way... Be open and honest with your daughter that you are excited about that and want to welcome your new grandchild and help yout daughter whom you obviously love. Ask her if she would perfer you get a hotel since she will already have a full house with the new baby and a lot of added stress with being tired and recovering.
I'm sorry that your daughter is acting in this way. I think it'll pass and she will get closer to you after the baby is born. I think she likely is not wanting to have a visitor to take care of as well at this time and is trying to distance herself. (I'm pregnant too and due next week and I'm totally dreading having my family come to 'help me.' In honesty it's so much added work and stress... If they got a hotel and I didn't have to pay for dinners, and keep my house clean and presentable for them, etc etc I may feel differently... Try offering/insisting that you will take your older grandchild to outings and spoil them to give your daughter a rest and time for bonding. That would totally make my day and likely hers. :) I would just not insist on going there and staying at their house at this time... No matter what anyone says... That's a lot for a new mom, of new mom-again.)
Good luck!

Let her have her space right now. It sucks but really that's about all you can do. Send things to your grandchild (my brother's kids love getting stuff from the USA) and when you talk to your daughter just keep things up beat. She'll figure out how to balance both you and her father but right now establishing contact with his is her priority. Like I said I just sucks.

Maybe grandma was the one to think you were going over too much and daughter just agreed or said something placating. I'd ask her what's going on. Once per year for a few days isn't much time to spend with your daughter and grand kids.

I would ask her and comply as to when it's okay for you to go visit. If she acts like she doesn't want you to come then you can simply ask, is it that you don't really want me to come visit? I don't have to if you don't want me to.

I'd also say that you might want to find some activities to fill in the void so that you don't sit at home and feel bad.

Just give her space and let her come to you.
Being crushed and hurting is awful but she's an adult now with kid(s) of her own - and what goes around comes around.
Someday she'll be on the other end of this and suddenly she'll know what you're feeling right now.
There's nothing you can do about it but get busy and build your circle of friends/activities.

Before this gets more out of hand and you allow yourself to keep running the situation through your mind over and over and over.. STOP the madness, pick up the phone and have a heart to heart... Ask her how you can support her, what does she need from you.. the needs of our children change as they get older.. they need us less (for some things) and well, we sometimes need them more... however, you can't let that dynamic get in your way... instead of feeling snubbed and hurt, maybe see it from her perspective, which might be.. my mom wants to visit and talk to me so much (as she sees it) because she doesn't have faith in me as a mom.. or doesn't think I can handle it... who knows what exactly is going on with her, but until and unless you have a point blank conversation... you will never know.. as for her dad, my mother didn't allow my brother and I to see ours... even though he was our dad........... and that's because my mother used us to get back at him.. even when he was dying and wanted to see his kids, she didn't want us to go (imagine that) because she felt she raised us (which she didn't do) and therefore felt he didn't deserve to see us..bad choice.. this showed she was selfish to the core and INSECURE.... you and your daughter have a bond and there is no changing that.. she is just probably trying to establish one with her dad... it's ok... again, nothing can change the fact that you raised her.. but now, she is an adult and you can't control her life or emotions..
again, have that conversation. right down on a piece of paper what you would like to discuss.. don't go in accusatory and with demands.. hear her out... listen........... speak your mind too.... but don't let this be about YOU.... that will push her away... if you don't open back up the lines of communication or learn news to communicate... things will just get worse... don't let this fester within you any longer... lastly.. don't have your mind set on a definitive outcome... you may not hear, mom.. I would love for you to visit... or call me anytime .... so be prepared ... but just because you don't hear what you want to hear doesn't mean you didn't need to hear it.. remain open.......

good luck

So this is what happened with me. My mom and I were always very close. She raised me and my brother alone. When I had my daughter, who I also raised alone, she, for some reason, criticized every parenting choice I made. At first, when my daughter was an infant, and I was still very close with my mom, I tried to take it as advise, but the older my daughter got, the more I resented her and I felt like, and I still feel like, she was trying to usurp me as a parent. It caused a huge rift in our relationship. Eventually I had to put my foot down and tell her that she needed back off and let me raise my daughter the way I saw fit and that if she continued to undermine me at every turn than she would not see either one of us again. She did back off, but our relationship has never been the same.

I am in no way suggesting that you are doing any of this, but you need to remember that your daughter is an adult now and she doesn't need you to parent her anymore. Let her know that you are there for her on HER terms.

As far as her father, I can relate to that also. My father wasn't a presence in our lives until my brother and I were adults. The first couple of years he was around were great, but eventually we both realized that he was not the person that we had hoped or imagined him to be. Your daughter needs to get to know her father and figure out what kind of relationship she wants/needs from him and she needs to do that without your interference.

Have patience with her, and take the suggested advise of others and find something that interests you to take up some of your extra time.

I think you need to talk to her. Maybe not about the Grandma comment but how about "I noticed that you don't talk to me much anymore. I'd like to know if I've offended you in some way..." and really listen.

FWIW, I love my mother. But we don't talk daily or weekly like some people, especially since my life has become very busy with my family. If there is some other form of communication, like a weekly email or texting, try to meet her where she is (I email one of my sks and text the other).

You might also ask your mom if she knows what might be going on, but that would be hearsay. You really need to talk to your DD if you want this to change.

And, IMO, early 20s can be a very selfish time. My SD is more "selfish" than her 25 yr old brother, but he was this way at the same age.

Well I think it's troubling that your daughter said something like that to your mother, and then your mother passed that on to you. Your mother should have said "call your mother".

I think when you hear stuff like that second hand, it's upsetting - and you don't know what context she meant it in.

If it were me, I would pick the phone up, actually talk to her and ask about this summer. Did your daughter and her husband invite you over or is this your decision? That makes all the difference. You can offer to go over and help (maybe to look after the older child and make meals, take the older child out to the park, give them a break), etc.

You've been over twice, in how many years? And was that at their invite?

What's your relationship like with your son in law?

I guess there's info here that's missing. For you to get hurt and pull away isn't helpful ... I think you need to just talk. Don't be defensive or sensitive - just have an honest talk about whether your presence this summer will be helpful or not.

I think her relationship with her father is something you should encourage and not take personally. By not contacting her at all, you are sort of sending a silent message that you are disapproving.

Good luck :)

Talk to her.
Tell her you were going to plan a trip to see them after the baby arrives but wanted to check with her first to talk dates, etc.
Ask her if she'd like you to come.
Tell her what grandma relayed and tell her you'd like to be there, help out, meet your grandchild but that you don't want to atep on any toes.
I'd bet you a million she really does want you to come.
Just be honest.
Good luck!

the whys could be the result of a lot of things, but the bottom line is, this is where you are. she's an adult, she's probably somewhat overwhelmed, and it's on you as the mom to be respectful of the boundaries she's belatedly figuring out.
i can understand your hurt, and expressing it here is fine. but resist the temptation to lay it on her. she doesn't need the guilt-trip right now, she needs respect and understanding.
it's good that she's working things out with her dad. ultimately it will make her a better parent.
try to find a happy medium between wanting to call her all the time, and not contacting her at all (which will come off as very sulky and passive-aggressive.) be available, be cheerful, be loving, be accommodating. express how much you want to see the new baby, but maybe offer to stay in a hotel so you don't crowd her.
she's a young wife and mother, living overseas, and juggling the considerable challenges that adding to the family brings. don't let your sorrow weigh her down. this will pass and end up just being a barely-remembered blip in your history, so long as you don't blow it up.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

I agree with RA B that it's normal for a girl to need some space from her mom at some point especially if you have been very close. It's also normal for a child to relish the attention of the absentee parent when they start to show interest.

It does hurt, but you have to wait it out and know that you will become close again in time. Your daughter has moved very quickly from being with you to having a husband and children. She needs to have time to transition and gain her independence.

You have great advice below. It's entirely understandable that you want to see the new baby but I like the idea of offering to stay in a hotel. Maybe you can ask her if she would like you to wait a few weeks until they've had a few weeks figuring out the new baby's patterns -- three month old babies are much more interesting than newborns anyway.

Most kids need to distance themselves somewhat from their parents for a while, sometimes a few years, as they explore their independence and create their identities apart from their parents. It hurts, but it's normal. Give her the time, and she'll come around. Try contacting her once every couple weeks, don't stop completely.

EDITED: AL what GREAT advice if I could send you a dozen flowers, I would.

Have you tried talking to her?

You don't know for a fact that your mom quoted her correctly, right? If your mom likes drama? What if she twisted it or changed it?

Call her and talk to her. Ask her what she needs and expects from you. You can't read her mind. Stop listening to what other people say she said and go to the source. Don't repeat gossip. Just ask her what she expects and needs from you.

I agree that her dad is giving her attention. He might he saying things and she might be learning things she didn't know about you. Is it the truth? Most likely not, but he's got her undivided attention right now and she's just enjoying this new-found "love". The shine will soon wear off and as she gets closer to having the baby? I would hazard to guess that she will be calling her mama.

I see several things here.

1. She got married to a military member. That by itself is mind changing and an adjustment.
2 She moved overseas with hubby to a new land and its rules and regs. She might be learning German to get around and find out things in the village or downtown. The stores are open at different hours and times than here in the states.
3. She had a baby and is now having a second one. This child will be born in a foreign country and all the paperwork that goes with it. Plus the medical facilities are different there than here.
4. She is trying to do all this by herself in an adult way without asking and calling or leaning on mom. It is a big step for her to try to do all of this. Hubby might be getting deployed or was deployed before the baby's due date and that is an adjustment to being a family again. You being there would hinder that relationship.
5. Her dad is now in her life. She is learning about him and what he did and does. This is a bond that is also needed in her life to help her become the great woman she will be.
6. There is a time for us moms to let go and it will be okay. Get into a class or hobby and take time to find out who you are and do things you want to do and not worry about her. Your daughter will be fine. It is time for you to see her as a woman separate from you.
7. She is in a country that full of history and culture that she can learn and enjoy and bring memories back that last a life time.

I say that as I spent 8 years in Germany and miss the place. My kids miss the place and so does hubby. It's a way of life that she is part of that is hard to explain unless you have lived it as a military member or family member.

When you do go over just enjoy the family and find time to travel and explore and experience the country for yourself without your worrying about your daughter's family. Life is what you make it. Only you can make it happen. Don't guilt trip her into anything just be a caring adult woman to woman. Time for you to step back and see the final product of all those years of teaching and coaching and guiding.

Do give her a call and find out what she wants you to do and then comply. If she wants you to wait then wait. It will all work out just don't push it.

the other S.

First of all,Grandma might not have gotten the quote right.Second of all, blow it off and go and forget all this. She is your daughter. Go. And if Dad is there, oh well, he could be a jerk (so that means he didn't really grow up) or he could be fine. Just enjoy your daughter. I know some of this because of something I went through when my son was in the military and we showed up to meet him when he came back overseas and his father showed up. Never give up your happiness because of someone else. We have had our children and that doesn't end.
And my mother was a lot like A.L's mom. Used us to get back at our father. i swear I would never do that to my children and I haven't. It isn't right, so if you are angry at your ex, it's okay, but work that out elsewhere. You can still enjoy your life.

I am not sure why. Many of the single (very young) mom's I know who know have adult children are often less mature than the children.

Did your mom help raise your daughter along with you? Does your daughter think of her as the mother figure and were you more of a friend with her?

Are you paying for everything or does your daughter and husband help pay when you go out there?

You are jealous of the dad (and I'm sure you are justified). You need to work on this and figure out how to move on. This chip on your shoulder could be a reason for the issue too. You might be making little comments or facial expression when he is mentioned.

It is okay for her to have space, even while in Germany.