M.
M.,
You must be so exausted. I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you. It is hard to give advice because I am sure wat I say will be fruwstrating because I am sure that you feel that you have tried everything!
I used to be a teacher and I worked especially well with children just like your son, in fact they put every child on medication in my class most years! Now I am a stay at home mom with two of my very own to teach me more than I ever thought I could have known about children! What I have learned works well with children who have ADHD is:
1. Try not to get into battles with them (give two choices)If you put them in a box, they will just become defiant or shut down. Always give them a way out so that they can keep theri integrity. I will give examples later if you want!
2. Remain calm (the louder your voice is or more irritable you appear, the less control you have over the child) Take a deep breath if you have to!
3. Positive reinforcement works well with EVERY CHILD and even adult! Try to find at least one thing your child is doing right! Even if it is sitting quietly! Especially when he does something after you ask him to. If this is not your usual approach, it may seem awkward the first time you try it, but you will be AMAZED by the results! As parents, we just feel that kids should do what we say when we say it. We just expect it and often times don't acknowledge or appreciate all of the time that they do listen to us!
I hope that I was able to help at least a little! Hang in there. You will get through this! I highly suggest the book, Parenting with Love and Logic.