Helping an Out of Control Mom

She should call her OB's office. They should have a councellor on staff who can help. I know this sounds crazy, but it could be some delayed postpartum depression. With everything else weighing down on her it might have triggered the baby blues! She's lucky to have such a concerned friend in her corner. Good luck!

If she's in the Portsmouth, NH area, Families First at the Community Campus offers a ton of programs including counseling.

Sounds like she's depressed! Been there, done that!

Are there any mom's groups around--through recreation department, library, hospital, parenting center, churches, etc.? Sometimes that can make a world of difference. Also, is she on Mamasource or other online outlets? That can do wonders as well. Would she be interested in joining a book group or something like that to get her outside of herself? Is she open to volunteering her time somewhere (some places welcome moms and their kids so that moms can get out). Check the local newspaper or Chamber of Commerce.

Meanwhile, how does she eat and exercise? Can you suggest going for walks to get those endorphins flowing? You can take the kids in a stroller or backpack so you can go at a good pace.

Do you know of consignment shops in the area to help her save money? We have a good income but I still shop at consignment shops for kids clothes, etc. They grow out of stuff before it wears out usually. Why buy new if you can get perfectly good stuff used? Reduce, reuse, recycle! : )

What did she do prior to her daughter? She may be sorely missing being in the work setting with adult conversation. Is she someone who would be better off working part- or full-time? Not everyone is cut out to be a full-time SAHM. That might relieve their financial stress. And if she works at something that only makes enough to cover her childcare fees, help her discern if that might still be worth it for her sanity. It might just be the trick. (It might not be as well, but it's worth discussing.)

Parenting can be wonderful but it can be incredibly stressful. If her self-esteem is tanking, it sounds like your friendship could help her see possibilities she might not have thought of.

I have been on anti-depressants for years. It runs in the family but being a parent highlighted the need for me to finally go on meds. Prior to that, counseling had always done the trick. I know she says she can't afford the co-pays for counseling, but there might be a non-profit that counsels on a sliding fee scale in your area. Sometimes pastors counsel free of charge as well. The trick is taking the step to explore the possibilities. Sometimes knowing you need help can be paralyzing in itself.

It's important for her to understand that if a person continues to be depressed, one's body chemistry can change. The longer she is depressed, the longer it may take to come out of it. My preference is to go to psychiatrists because they have more specific training with medications for depression, but a good general physician might be able to help as well. It might be worth a try.

Another idea...Ocean State Job Lots was selling full-spectrum lights for pretty cheap. If she's near one of those stores, $25-30 might be well-spent. Those lights can normally range from $75-100 or more. I use mine whenever I'm on the computer, especially in the winter. It actually seems to help!

I know it's hard to see a friend in such turmoil. It's even harder to be in that turmoil. If she can get a handle on her own emotions, her daughter might respond very positively to the "new mom". Kids key off of parents' emotions unwittingly. If she can get help, it might help in all sorts of fronts.

Good luck! You're a great friend to ask these questions!

Try a church sometimes the offer free counciling on finances, marriage etc.

Hi I.,

Hooray for you! What a great friend you are. Wish I had a friend like you when I was going through what I assume was late onset post-partum depression. Whatever it was, I discovered that my vitamin D level was low. I've been taking a tablespoon of cod liver oil daily. (See this website: http://drbenkim.com/codliveroil.html This is the product I take.) My depression has greatly reduced. I am getting my blood magnesium level tested next. Magnesium is another nutrient necessary for emotional/brain health. Low levels of nutrition caused by diet or the inability to absorb those nutrients can cause body and brain disorders. I am in favor of discovering the causes of disease to find the best road to health. I do not favor throwing pharmaceuticals at symptoms because the cause is not corrected and to avoid side effects of drugs. If a cause can not be found, then I would use pharmaceuticals to improve the emotions.

Another problem I had was food allergies/intolerances. I discovered wheat was the worst for me. It made me very angry. I could not control my temper. As hard as I tried, I'd keep blowing up. I'd cry every night because I couldn't control myself. I suggest the Paleo diet to avoid many allergens/intolerances. I found that I am intolerant of many foods that are allowed, but I am intolerant of all the foods they suggest not be eaten.

You and your friend can look into these areas on the internet.

Being alone not only promotes post-partum blues, it is also unhealthy for the brain. Thank goodness she is going to playgroup. Plus all of the financial stress. Yikes! She is in great need of support.

If you are able to help your friend with what help she needs, I whole heartedly suggest you help. She extrememly needs it until she is feeling better. Help is always welcome when she is feeling well also.

Thank you for being a friend to her. She needs it. : )

Good luck to you and your friend,
: ) Maureen

I agree that she sounds like she is in need of an antidepressant (who woudln't be?) and if she can't afford a psychiatrist, perhaps her regular PCP will be willing to help her out and prescribe one. I don't know how often they are willing to prescribe it the first time around, I know that often when a patient is under control and has been visiting with a psychiatrist a PCP is sometimes willing to take over writing the scripts.

Other than that, as others have suggested, do as much as you can for her personally. Go over and send her out for "me time" while you take care of the little girls or clean up the house. You're a good friend; she's lucky to have you!

She should see her doctor about getting on an antidepressant; she sounds seriously depressed. This would be covered more under insurance as it's not counted as mental health, and there are plenty of generic antidepressants that are quite affordable.

Something like this can't be put off; if she responds well to meds, her life will likely dramatically improve even if her situation doesn't (even if she can't afford therapy). And, chances are, her child's behavior might improve as well -- sometimes the kids are reacting to the tension and stress in the parents, which of course, just feeds the problem.

Everyone will be better off if she can find the funds for this, and really, she has to. She has to think of it as a necessity, equal to food -- because it's not going to improve on its own and her child's development at this time could be effected by her problems in a way that would reverberate throughout her life.

I'm speaking from personal experience here -- I was facing full mental breakdown and couldn't afford therapy, but going on antidepressants made all the difference, to me and my kids (while I don't think I was ever mean to them, I was definitely not there for them like I should have been when my focus was on how miserable I was).

Good luck to her!

I wish you guys were closer. I would recommend helping her find a place to go where she could talk about what is going on. We all need support, and we all need it in a different way. I am in Southern NH, we have a place called the Upper Room, there are many people there that have informaton on resources as well as a parent support group that is weekly that is "run" by a professional who brings topics and can answer questions. If you could find a place like that I am sure that it could be a huge help. You could even go to the group with her, and let her know that you support her. Good luck and you are a great friend for bringing it up, I don't know if I would have as much courage! Sending all my best to both of your families.

The YMCA has a sliding fee schedule, so they might be able to get a very inexpensive membership. They provide up to two hours of daily babysitting while you exercise, shower, or even just sit and read a book to relax. You have to stay on site, but I've found it to be a great way to get "me time" even if I'm not getting my much needed exercise. Also, find a church with MOPS! It's a great way to find a support structure, learn some parenting tips and just have a break from the hectic nature of life. They also can offer scholarships for folks who need them.

You could be a huge help to her yourself. Be there for her when she needs to talk. Offer to babysit if she is able to get into counseling. Give her advice on how to parent. Buy her a parenting book. Look around for churches that have free or cheap counseling, exercise together, the list is endless. She could also check into some alternatives to antidepressants, such as Sam-E. You can find out about it at vitamin stores, GNC, etc.

Hope this helps!

Good luck & God Bless!

Catholic Charities offers a sliding scale fee. Also, many towns offer free parent support groups and programs. Good luck.

You are a good friend to her - she knows she needs help, so that is a great sign! Churches and synagogues offer pastoral care/counseling for free. Her town probably has an office of Family & Children's Services which provides counseling for free or for a very limited fee, like $5 even. This is not the state office for children or protective services - it's counseling & assistance! They probably have parenting classes - if not, they can refer her. Many places offer child care while the parent is receiving services. Also, if she is near a university that offers masters degree programs in psychology or social work, they may offer counseling for little or no charge.

If you can take her child now and then to give her a break, that would be great. See about forming a mothers' group that gives the children a place to play in groups with the moms still there. The groups rotate from home to home, and the hostess only provides coffee for the moms, while everyone brings their own child's snacks. She might form relationships with other moms and that would expand her babysitting options - you just trade kids with no payment involved.

Also call the pediatrician or the OB. I agree that post partum depression could be a factor, and the economic stress doesn't help.

Mom needs to learn to handle her frustrations, and also have a place to vent her anger, while also learning some more effective parenting techniques. She is reaching out to you for help, so don't let go - you are her lifeline right now, and can get her into professional help.

Good luck and you are to be commended for speaking up for the child as well as the mom.

She needs to see someone! I had post-partum after I had my son because I had lost my mother 3 months prior to his birth, so 2 big events in my life in such a short time span. I spoke with someone for close to a year and it helped me sort out a lot of my issues and emotions. We all have our bad days but if she is feeling like this all the time, she needs to see someone. Most insurances cover therapy, so she should look into it.

What town is she in? Usually, there are local family/community resources. You could anonymously call DSS/DCF and ask for information/support groups.

There are several things she could do:
1. Check out local universities, many of them offer free counseling with one of their grad students. (I dont k now where you live but one in Storrs CT is UCONN's marriage and family therapy program)
2. Call 211 to find out about any local parenting groups
3. See if her town has a Family Resource Network. They might have a Parents as Teachers Program that offers anger management, discipline, parenting classes, or even just a listening ear.
The single most important thing- Be a friend...offer to babysit when her husband is away to give her some "me time" to go to the store, clean up the house, take a nap etc.

Sounds awful..you are a good friend for trying to help. Check out this website for free parenting and Mom's groups - some have free child care! http://parentsupportgroups.blogspot.com/