Need Moms for Advice on Marriage

Dump his butt quick. I know itll be hard to be single again. It will worse when you realize your child knows he's not fully accepted by your husband. That man said that because either he wanted to hurt you, or its the truth. Either way, he isn't a shred of worth to you and your children. He wont change his pattern of affection. Some men are affectionate and some aren't. Either accept him and ALL his ways or leave. Dont waste energy fighting over things that wont change. Be your children's keeper and protect their future.

He needs to earn their love just as much as he needs to earn yours. Im not saying it's conditional, Im saying he needs to proove that it's true, not by him saying it's so. By the kids saying it's so.

E....
I first wanna say, put God first, then your children, your spouse, and everything else after that., Now having said that...Im not a very religious person, however I do consider myself spiritual, and when your in a relationship, things have to go in their priority order. If he's ever mentioned ANYTHING negative about your children, I would question that. drunk or not, and as far as the affection goes, we all need some, as humans, dont neglect your needs with someone who doesnt recognize what your needs are. as a husband its his job to know or at least try to know what your needs are. Any adult who doesnt know how to deal with a child (theirs or not) has issues, and if he truly loves you, how could he not love your children? Leave in the best possible fashion. Start by making a plan to leave, talk it out with him, and if nothing changes, put your plan into action. Im a strong believer that actions speak louder than words. Good Luck
p.s. I have been married for 14 years, Im 36 and a mother of three, ive pretty much seen it all.

I dont really think you need advise on this. I think you already know what you wanna do. I know it's scary but if it's what's right for you and your kids then do it. You don't need any of us telling you whats right or wrong. In this situation the only one who can do that is you. I say all this b/c i've been there and it didn't matter who gave me what advise(even when i asked for it) I ultimatly did what i wanted and thought was best..and it was. Good luck i'm here if you need to talk like i said i've been there i know what you're going thru(even w/ the 2 older kids who are steps to him and their dads not in the picture). That's me too. GL and if you need anything i'm here to listen or help any way i can:)

Maybe what I'm going to say isn't popular, but this is my honest opinion....

You are married, and I believe marriage is a commitment--for better or for worse. You stated that you love your husband, so if that's the case, you need to do everything you can to save the marriage. I completely agree with those who said to try counseling, even if your husband won't come at first. He might eventually come around. If he were a boyfriend and you didn't feel his affection, then that would be different, but he is your husband.

With that being said, if your husband drinks too much too often and is endangering your children, then you definitely need to get them out of the situation, at least until your husband gets help.

I don't want to appear argumentative (I hate that you can't hear tone of voice over e-mail and message boards!), but I don't buy into the school of thought that God doesn't want us to suffer, so we shouldn't. No, I don't think God's plan intended for anyone to suffer, but He gave us all free will. As a result of that free will, there is sin in the world that has caused us all to suffer at some time. The good news is that His Son also suffered, so He knows what we go through. He can give you strength! I will pray for you and hope you will try prayer, too!

Trust me, I know married life isn't easy, especially when you feel neglected. I've been there. But I think married life has its ups and downs like any relationship and is worth hanging on to...but it won't get better without hard work!

If he doesnt give you the respect you deserve then he isnt worth your time, you can find someone who will treat you right. I am a single mom to a 2 year old, his father isnt in the picture either, he has never been there for my son even when he was in the hospital for 4 days, he came up there for about an hr one day out of the four he was there, i am dating someone now we have been dating for 2 months, and he treats hunter very well.. in fact he came over last night and instead of sitting with me on the couch he went over and played basketball with my 2 year old son, i didnt mind though i liked that he was spending sooo much time with hunter. Its more attention than his real father has gave him. He not only has to love you but love your kids also, if he doesnt then he is not worth it. Hope it helps! Tiffany

Erica I would just like to say one thing and that is that your heart has to lead you. I just got out of a 3 year relationship that ended very badly. I was with a man older than me by 6 yrs and he was an alcoholic so i delt with that constantly but he never said anything to hurt me until towards the end of the relationship. I just worry that because your husband was drunk he said that he didnt like your older child that it might be true. I mean regardless the condition he was in he had no excuse to say something so mean and evil if he actually didnt mean it. I just pray that it will work out because i can tell you from what i am going through now trying to start my life over with two kids as a single mom is not easy and you have 4 to think about. But regardless the circumstances you should talk to him about what he said and ask him if he has any problems with your older child and what the problems are and if they have any way of being worked on. I hope the best for you and please be careful that your husband not start drinking too much too often because that could be a very horrible thing to live with for you and for yor children. So best of luck and I hope GOD blesses you and your family.

Dear E.,

After reading some of you other advices, I must say Jennifer D is my favorite.

I have been married for 18 years to the same man. We have 2 kids together and he's Military. Pleeeease believe that it has not been a walk in the park. Girl I have been through it and then some. I have even had friends that told me I should have left him many years ago. Yet I stay.

I don't stay because I have to. Even when things seem like I can't make it anymore, I stay.

Baby the only person to make you happy is YOU! Picking up leaving because you think you are unhappy is not always the answer.

What message do we send to OUR children. When you are not happy you go and start a NEW LIFE? It doesn't work that way. You create your happiness and if you are not happy because of situations, then cange your situations from with-in. See no one can steal your joy unless you let them and baby that's giving anyone to much power over you. Put some positive energy in the air and see what comes back at you. If YOU smile, then I smile, then we all smile.

I hope I made some sense?

E.,

I don't want to see any home broken, but my advice would be to leave. I can say this b/c I have been in your shoes. I am also 28 years, I have been with my husband for 6 years. I have 4 children. 3 of which are his from a previous marrige,and I have an 8 year old son.My husband and I were married once before, and no matter what my son did to win his affection, he always put his children first. Things were great with my husband & my son until his children came over. When his children were there, it was like my son didn't exist. We divorced, and within 6 months we were back together, and things are now great. He treats my son just like his own. I am not saying divorce is the right answer, but I can say that there is only one of you children, and they should always come first before any man. I know that it is hard, it was very difficult for me to live, but when I did, my son told me that he didn't ever want to go back. He didn't want my husband to be mean to him. That was a tough one to swallow!!!! Take some time for you & your children, it is worth it in the end.

E.,
I feel really bad for you in this situation. I suggest that you try and get some counseling at your local church or from a professional. Like you said, your kids come first, whether they are his or not. So whatever you do you need to provide a stable home for them. There is no need in you being miserable all the time. When you are unhappy let your husband know, if he doesn't take you seriously, do what you need to do to be happy, if that means separating for a while do it. It might make your marriage stronger, only you can determine that. I do hope that everything works out for the best for you, and I do hope you try and fing some counseling. It will do the both of you good.
A.

Hi. I know you've been a single mom and know the overwhelming responsibility of it all. I am a single mom and I am the one who decided to end the marriage. My advice to you is to get some help. Go to marriage therapy/counseling. You local church can help you with finding someone. Ask your insurance company how to go about finding someone on your plan. If your husband won't go, go alone. I went to therapy with my husband on and off (off because he kept leaving the therapy sessions) for three years. I learned a lot and I still go alone now because I don't want to marry the same type of person. The best thing about going to therapy was that I knew, without a doubt, that ending the marriage was the best thing for me and my children.

I believe in marriage. I believe most men have willingness to improve their marriage. Know that it takes time and that YOU are the one who needs to make some changes first. It may not be fair but it's just true. You can do it!

I am learning a lot about my own behaviors and why I choose the men that I have. It is not easy. It is often quite painful. However, it is worth every tear to become the kind of woman that I can be proud of.

Reach out, get help, and if the therapist you choose isn't working, get another one. Your marriage will improve even with just a little help. If you choose to end the marriage after some therapy, at least you can look your kids in the eye and say "I did everything I could to save the marriage." I know I can.

Good luck!

UNfortunately, when we drink sometimes our true feelings have a way of coming out....You havent said what the stepson's think about him? Maybe the one he "doesn't like" has noticed something in him you haven't seen yet? I am not sure what you mean by lacking affection? But I have been married for 14 years and sometimes I find myself asking is it worth all the efforts and so far my answer has been yes...It sounds like ot me though you have already decided what you want to do? Don't second guess yourself, I do believe this! If your instincts are telling you this guy isn't giving you what you need and want and you have discussed it in every way you can possibly think to do it in then maybe seeing what he is losing will wake him up? Of course it might be too late but I don't htink you should stay where (first) your children are unhappy and (second) your unhappy....Life is way to short to spend it wishing or dreaming for things we don't have when there is someone out there willing to give it to you! (and your children)....If the Dad isn't around find them a mentor if the stepdad isn't interested got to the boy/girls club ...big brothers assoc. something where they have a positive role model!
Good Luck
judo