Do I Stay or Leave ???

T.,
I am dealing with the issue of "should I stay or go?" myself. I even logged on here today to post a similar request, asking for advice on what I should do. My husband and I havent even spoken to each other in three days, and thoughts of divorce are weighing heavily on my mind. I have exhausted myself to the point that I do not even want to try to talk things out anymore. My husband and I are supposed to have another "talk" today when he gets home, and I dread saying all of the things we have said a million times in the past six years. I hate for my darling daughter to be a child of divorce, but I, too feel I am at a crossroads. I cant really give you any advice, because I cant even help my own marriage at this point, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Good luck.

You stay and dont get caught with the internet. Sometimes it is not always about us. I am not married but if i was i would stay. i am getting married soon and i know that a marriage is like a business, if you want it to become successful you have to work at it. it wont fix itself. you cant make him get counseling but you can. you can not change anyone but you can change you. please read some books on it. be the best you that you can be. dont take everything personal. it can work i promise you and it will make a world of difference to the child.

Oh T.,

It truely breaks my heart to hear you are going through so much pain. I will start by saying, marriage is one huge rollercoaster that is ever changing. I understand that you are two different ages. My husband is 24 and I am 32. Not as big of a gap as yours, but if you reverse the gender with you guys you would be closer in maturity than we are. There are no black and white answers to this one. First of all when you commit to a marraige you need to commit to the institution of marriage not the person you are married to. The reason I say this is because emotions between the two of you are going to consitantly change. They will never be consistant. So commit the marriage not him. Second, he needs to be in line with this. If he is not, you need to seek counseling. The reason I say seek counseling is because you need a mediator to help resolve your communication issues. The both of you are to emotionally involved with eachother to be objective about the others perception. A counselor can help weed through this area. If he is unwilling you are at a cross roads then. You are not there yet. You have not exhausted all of your options. As for the confidence, that has to come from within. He can not make you feel attractive. You have to do that for yourself. Start to do some of the things that you did before you met. Things that are not controversial to marraige. No clubbing or going to bars. You are way to vunerable for those environments. And if you did have an affair it would only complicate you life. No matter if you found a different man to marry, these issues occur with other people to. You might as well get it right the first time around. By reactivating your individualism it may make him more attracted to you. It may open conversation, but you need to be you. Not just a mother and a wife. If you need someone to talk to I am here. You can email me at ____@____.com

Hey, I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you. I don't want to sound like a cliche', whatever, but it's true. If you are no longer happy, do something about it. I have just moved to this area, but I grew up here. I have been in Dothan, AL., for the past 8 years. I was in a relationship for about 6 of those there. It was great, I mean, awesome!, for the first two -three years but then things just started changing. I think, looking back now, that I had been in somewhat of a daze or deep-sleep and maybe knew things were not the same anymore and I wans't happy anymore, but I just simply didn't do anything about it. Therefore, I let things just drag on forever, it seemed, and it only got worse. I started seeing other people, on the low, of course, and found out, hey!, there are other people out there that find me attractive too, and I don't have to just settle any longer. I feel like what worked in the first couple of years was enough to make it last but I was very wrong. I had a few affairs, and so did he, and things evolved so much, that finally, I got tired of waking up, to the same routine everyday of no affection. No sex at all, it was gone entirely, but pecks, not even kisses, if that, and feeling like you are just floating through life, existing, and not even living anymore, feeling more separated than ever. Take it from me, if you have felt like that for awhile, don't just settle for what you have for so long, do something in your life to make you happy. I had to bite the bullet and move out and with my daughter. Sometimes in life, you just have to move forward, and even if it hurts to make that kind of step, do it anyway. I promise, coming from someone that thought life would never exist without my other half, IT DOES! And possibly even a better beginning.
A.

I think you should stick it out. Try reading the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. It may be that you two are speaking different love to each other. Try finding out what makes him feel loved and then he should eventually start to return that love. Why put your son through a divorce. Most people that stay together are happer in the long run. In my opion a divorce is an easy out. Staying togherther and making it works is where courage comes in. So many people think that love will always be there but it won't it is something that you have to give. I say read the book and try it. It has been one of the best things for our marriage the mens additon is the best because it has the test in the back to see what love language you are? Also when is the last time you have been out on a date with your hubby alone rember that you need to make time for the two of you at the top of your to do lisit.

Speaking as someone who's husband wants a divorce, I can tell you that getting out is not the answer. My husband has been telling me for the last 7 weeks that I don't show him love and so I would try to step up my game and he would seem to be ok for a few days and then pull back. The pain I am in right now I would not wish on anyone. There may very well be a good reason he is being that way right now. I honestly thought I was showing love, but he didn't see it that way. Maybe your husband really does think he is showing you love. An affair is never the answer, you will all just get hurt. I would seriously seek counciling. There are free and inexpensive services available. I found a place through my church that will see us and my husband did go, but he is still heading in the direction of divorce. Nothing I say is changing that. Can you get away without the baby for a few days? I know that becoming a mother really changed me and not for the better. I honestly didn't see it until it was too late. Don't let that happen to you. I too am am a stay home mom. I haven't worked in 6 years and my teaching certification has run out. He wants me gone by August 2nd. Trust me you don't want this kind of pain. Get help. please.

T.,
I would suggest talking to your husband & finding out where he stands in the relationship. Does he want to stay in the marriage & commit to making it the best that it can be? Do you want the same? If you both want the same goal, then I would suggest counseling whether it be with a marriage counselor or a minister. There is no way it will work if only 1 of you has the goal of being truly in the marriage. As far as having an affair, I would suggest not. It is not going to do anything but hurt things in the long run..you may feel good temporarily but in the long run you will feel bad & when your husband finds out he will be hurt & angry. Then, your little one is there to deal with it also, even if he is only 15 months old. I would not suggest straying from the marriage-if you want to date someone else then do it after you are divorced.
Hope that helps! You may or may not be a religious person, but I would suggest praying about it...it really can help!
Good luck with whatever decision you make.

My husband and I are very different as well and I feel we compliment each other. We got married in January 2005 after dating for a year and a half. We were seperated within 5 months and divorced in January 2006. I felt unwanted and unhappy, but I knew I loved him. We were remarried in July 2006 and now we have a baby due in the next month. I wished I had just been patient, trusted in God and never went through the divorce. We are the same age though. My parents are 15 years apart in age and they have had many trials to go through but they have been married for 27 years. I think if you are not involved in a church or have strong friends that you should do that. I am not sure if you believe in God, but God can work miracles. I love my husband and things are so much better now. I know you want him to change, but sometimes you have to find out what needs to change in you first. I will say a prayer for you and I hope this helps you a little bit!
E.

I can't pretend to know what you are going through, however I do have some advice... have you sought out counseling? You & your husband could benefit greatly from couples counseling but if you don't, then you can easily say you tried everything to keep your marriage together and walk away without the guilt. Look for a counselor that specialized in marriage counseling- that's very important. I know some people are closed-minded to therapy but, as a graduate with a degree in Psychology, many times it can be very beneficial. I wish the best for you and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

T.

I know what your feeling as I am too dealing with this issue.I have found talking to my hubby doesn't really work because of having my dad and son always under foot so we write letters to each other, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but it sure works better then talking. I am sorry to say I get very defensive and will close myself off when he trys talking to me, he talks to me like one of his soldiers and that makes me mad. But the letters make us focus. Also are you a military family?
The Stress of depending deployment will cause alot of these issues to. I know its never an easy decision for anybody, but if you need someone to talk to you can contact me at ____@____.com
P.

T.,

My best advice for you is to pray and seek councel. More than just other moms. Like a pastor or something. Your husband doesn't have to go to conceling with you, but before you make a decision that impacts not only your marriage, but your child's life forever, I would at least try counceling. If for no other reason to give you clarity of what to do next. I wish you luck and you all will be in my prayers.

Well, my advice is coming from a Christian prespective, and I don't know if you're a believer or not, but in any case, I hope that I do not offend you. My number one piece of advice is PRAY for your husband. PRAY for yourself. Marrige was designed and set into motion by God and the devil will do ANYTHING to destroy it. ANYTHING AT ALL!!! HE HATES ANYTHING THAT GOD DOES!! Remember this always. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, but we have only been married for a short time. But we have already started to have problems. (you may have seen my own requests for advice on here) The book "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian was given to me as a gift, and it is a wonderful book. It has helped me to understand a lot of the problems that I have with my husband, and I would recommend it to anyone that is interested in repairing their marraige. It only costs roughly $15, and to me, that's cheap compared to divorce. Anyway, I got off track...My problems with my husband abruptly stopped when I stood up to the devil and said (outloud mind you, because he does not have the power that God does to hear our thoughts) "I will NOT allow you to destroy my marraige!!" I REFUSE to let him do it!!!! I do not believe in divorce. I mean, I don't judge people, to each his own, but for me personally, I know that if I went that route, I would never forgive myself, for not working through it. I made the decision to get married, and if that means going through several miserable years, until I figured out how to fix it and make it better, then so be it, I MADE THAT DECISION!! I'm so sorry if that sounds a little harsh, I don't mean it to be, if it is in your heart to leave, then nothing in the world, aside from God can change that. It is just heart breaking to me, that the devil has such a strong hold that he can break up marriages like he does. Anyway, if you are a beliver, Even if you arn't and are interested in what I am saying, PRAY, read what the Bible has to say about the sacred instituion of marriage, get Stormie's book and read it (it's rather short, it doesn't take much time to read through). When you start praying, seriously, on your knees, pouring your heart out praying to God for your husband, you will be shocked at the difference that it will make. Not only in his life, but in the way that you feel about him!! I hope that it helps, and I will be praying for you both! "I don't know all the answers, but I know the one who does!!"

I am 38 years old with two girls, 11 and 8. I left my husband two years ago - divorce will be final soon. My situation was similar to yours it sounds like, but there were also other things in our relationship that was not good. Years of counseling and trying "for the children's sake" did not save my marraige. Noone can tell you to stay or go, unfortunately that is all up to you. I used to be so torn as to what I should do and wanted someone so badly to just tell me. Just remember, your children are affected by your relationship whether there is screaming and yelling or just ignoring or seeing two people together who don't show love and affection towards each other. I, personally, wish I had done it when they were younger because it doesn't affect them to the extent that it does when they are older. You have to remember that you have to be happy in order to be the best mother you can be. I am definately so much better of a mother now that I am happy. Just find your happiness, whether it is with your husband or not. It is so important for your child. Also, I think that you should again try to talk to him and let him know what you are contemplating. Try to get him to understand how unhappy you are and that you can't go on like that. Good luck - also make SURE you want a divorce before you go ahead with it - it is definately one of the hardest things to go thru with!!!

http://friendlyhelp.homestead.com/

This is tough. First thing first, don't make matters worse by seeking comfort in the arms of another man. Big NO NO. You may want to consider seeking out help, that is why I posted the above link. I do hope the best for you. Talk openly to your husband, confide in him.

Take care.

Hi T.,
There is 10 years difference between me and my husband. He is older. We haven't had sex for 3 years. We have three children and our focus is on them. We have talked, and quite frankly we are both exhausted by the time the kids are in bed. We cuddle and spend time together. We have a date night once or twice a month where we have time for us. Sex is great, but SEX is not the marriage commitment. No where in vows we take during marriage does it say, "and I promise to have sex with you at least twice a week for the rest of our lives." In fact it says, "for better or worse." I was a stay at home mom and still am for all practical purposes. I home school my children. I started a job, I am a licensed Social Worker, the first of March. I work from 4-11 pm M-F. My husband wasn't sure at first, because of having the children all to himself. Being able to work has helped my self-esteem, and it has worked great for us as a couple. When we go out on our date now, it is like when we dated prior to getting married. We hold hands, kiss, and cuddle during the movie. I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. What I am saying, divorce or having an affair isn't the answer. In fact, if you can't work this relationship out, studies show that your future relationships may falter as well. As others have said, your husband is close to 40 and in men their sexual drive decreases with age. It has nothing to do with being attracted to you. He may not need to have sex to love you. Love does not equal to SEX. You see this in our society, TV, movies etc. all the time. SEX equals to pleasure, fun, desire and that is it. People have sex all the time and can't even tell you what the person's name was. Don't confuse sex with love. Personally, I can take or leave sex. I don't need it. I know my husband and I love each other. We cuddle, make time for each other, have our dates....most of all we have family fun time. Sex is for procreating. In my mind, we have procreated 3 beautiful girls and we are finished. It seems to me that your entire problem and wanting to end the marriage is centered on not having sex. Don't destroy a relationship and a family because of sex. You DO need to plan a date night at least once a month. Plan to have sex, but if it doesn't work out enjoy your time together...Don't end a marriage and destroy a family because YOU can't have sex. Find a job that you can work when your husband is home. Being able to get out and meet people and work will help you feel better about yourself. I believe your husband loves you. I think you may be confusing having Sex with love. That is faulty thinking. Love is the relationship. Sex only meets a personal need or desire.

T.,
I strongly advise a real heart to heart with your hubby.I believe he loves you, but he is pushing 40 and his libido is dwindling , while yours is increasing! Sex is a wonderful thing, but not everything! There is so much more to a relationship than sex. Maybe if he can let you know that it's not you and give you a bit more attention and affection, you would feel better even if it doesn't always lead to sex. Unfortunatly we woman also have to sometimes teach our hubby's how to show us attention and affection. Maybe he needs a few lessons! Whatever you do, don't have an affair. If you feel you need to leave him then do that first and give yourself some time before jumping into the pot again.

T. - i'm hoping you will not like to hear all the feedback because, to be quite honest, it's not about you! Once you had this child, that changed everything. It is NOT fair to him to change his life forever b/c you are not totally happy. i suggest you go back to when you and your husband 1st fell for each other & start doing those things you did for each other again - REGARDLESS of what he does. You start doing the actions & the feelings will follow. Don't expect overnight changes b/c your relationship didn't change overnight. i would also suggest you start planning romantic evenings after the baby is in bed - surprise him by initiating sex! The age difference is there, but you have the advantage being younger. My husband & i are different in many areas, but we've learned in our 15 years to compromise & make the most out of those differences. If none of this works, try counseling with someone who won't immediately suggest divorce. That shouldn't even be an option, esp. w/ that little guy!! Talk through things with your husband & show him you are doing everything on your end to make things GREAT in your marriage! Don't complicate things with an affair - not only will it damage you, but everyone else around you. That certainly won't solve any problems between you & your husband! There are so many great books out there about marriage & men's/women's needs - try checking into some of those & maybe even read them together. Dr. Kevin Lehman has a great one called Sex Begins in the Kitchen. Kay Arthur has one called A Marriage without Regrets. Don't give up hope. Just go back & start doing the things you did when you fell in love - honestly, feelings follow actions!

T.,
I'm curious to know what your husbands thoughts were when you told him your feelings. Is the lack of intimacy on your side or his...do you think he is going outside of your marriage for intimate relations? These are things your need to look at. Find out if he is prepared to make the marriage work. It takes two to have a marriage and if you are the only one trying than it is stressful and your son will suffer. Evaluate all these things and then do what is going to be best for you and your son's happiness. Sometimes being singe is what it takes.

Jen

There are no true experts when it comes to relationships. The people who claim to be experts are people you should stay away from. Each individual relationship is different, and yours is no exception.

I was struck by one thing you said...you wouldn't even have your son if it wasn't planned to a T. Were you and your husband perhaps doing so much planning that it took the fun and sexiness out of the sex, and just made it a chore? So many couples want children so much that they will plan on having sex on such and such day at this perfect time for ovulation, and it can really drag down a relationship.

Also, it does happen that after having a child, typically the woman is so exhausted from caring for the child, focusing all of her energy and time on him or her, that she loses any focus she once had on her husband. She may also stop taking the same amount of care on her appearance that she did before she got married and had a child.

Of course, no relationship is a one-way street. Your husband must also make an effort to help with the child (it's his, too, after all), help with housework, etc, give you a break when you need one, and he should also let you know that you are still sexy to him, and not just a mom. You have to make sure that your husband doesn't feel like you are treating him like a second child. He also has to feel desired.

If you are counting the times you have had sex with him this year, stop! Do not put pressure on him to perform. It is possible too that he may have a medical condition he might be embarrassed to talk about. Don't nag, but ask him if he would go in for a complete physical.

I hope things get better for you, I do, but please don't leave your marriage until you have tried everything. Sex is good and great and wonderful, but at the end of your life, are you going to look back fondly on the sex, or will it be the relationship with an otherwise wonderful man which you will most remember to be a joy in your life?

Now, I personally don't believe in marriage counseling, since therapists are getting paid to get into your business and they have no more insight into what makes relationships work than you could already know, since you are the one in the relationship...how many marriage therapists have actually been married for 30 years or so? Lots of them are divorced, some have never been married, and most, if not all, have plenty of their own relationship problems you will never know about.

However, having said that, if you feel it would help you to talk to someone other than family or friends, you might want to consider it.

Take care, and give your child a hug and kiss. Once in awhile, give your husband a hug and kiss too, without expecting anything else...you might be surprised at the effectiveness of simply showing affection without expecting sex.

I'm unsure what type of guy he is...but I suggest letting him know how you feel. I am 24 and a single mom and my advice would be to try seperation for a bit and see how it would be...life is way too short to not live it to the fullest! You need romance and real love. Perhaps it is still there, try to rekindle it...if not I promise you can find someone that will love you and your child unconditionally!