Need Help with Son's Anxiety!

Hi C.,

Have you ever considered that something disturbing could have happened at "aunty's" house? I know it's really difficult to imagine but could there have been something that happened with a male in the house or maybe she was watching a movie that had violence that could have freaked him out. I would do more investigating there. Something and/or someone freaked him out and it's not fair to him [your son] to assume that he's losing it. I know I had a very traumatizing experience when I was 2 and I was too young to express what happened. I didn't want to go back the next day and she didn't trust her instincts right away.

My son started having separation anxiety at four at well. It is a normal developemental step for this age. My daughter was 1 year 8 months and he had no anxiety when I was pregnant, so for us it was not related. Four is soo little still. Maybe you can tell your husband that a need met goes away and if ignored can stay for a lifetime. So mommy time is clearly what is needed. Your husband has his whole life for man time. It will pass shortly but being there for him is the best thing for him right now.

re trace the steps , when did your son start doing this, he was fine up until he ..... then he started to feel he is unsafe with ... or feels yur not coming back.. something could of happen somebody is not telling you about. I am not sure its the new baby on the way, usually the baby is born then the behavorial stuff starts to happen, sit him down and gentle ask him why do you cry when I leave,MOM as much as you would hate to ask him, but its important to ask if he has been touched, spanked, yelled at you know... from anybody dads included. I am not accusing, processs of elimitation.Something scared him caused seperation anxiety.

Good Luck

Hi C.. My advise is probably too simple. He's old enough to just simply ask him. What's the matter, how come you keep crying, what's wrong? Maybe have him draw a picture of how he feels when you are gone. Give him a picture of you. Ask him what does he think is going to happen to you if you leave. Just talk to him, maybe eventually something you'll say will ease his mind.

Hi C.,

This is a phase. At 4, kids are realizing that they are separate from Mom and it can scare them. Be patient and understanding and try to be available as much as possible. The few times you have to be away will show him that you will return, and he'll gradually become more secure. He needs to know that you will be around as he tests his own independence. There may be a little piece of "new baby insecurity" but just be patient, he'll pass through this.

V.

My kids went through phases like that, sometimes clinging to dad and crying for hours when he left for work every day. It will pass, but it might take longer than you'd like. I've had kids stuck in that phase for a year...so just hang in there and remember to go out with your husband anyway. You two need time alone, no matter what.

Four has been the most trying age for all my children. I have five sons and two neices that I've cared for in the circumstances you described. I've expirienced exactly what you've described...3 times I've been pregnant while caring for a 4 year old and 18 mos old, and reading your rant made me want to laugh, and cry!
In my expirience they eventually grow into sweet, loving, helpful five year olds.
Hang in there! The baby will come and so will some peace before life gets REALLY crazy!
Boys enjoy one on one time in the form of physical activity the best. Find a sitter for your toddler once a week and take your son to do something interactive with just him. He may be a pill again as soon as you get home, but you'll love how sweet he is for that short time it's just the 2 of you. I know how hard it will be to make time to do this. But, it will feel so good see your son as a charming sweet little child.

Hi,

My older son got anxious under a similar circumstance (having a new sibling on the way!). I highly recommend the use of Bach Remedies (please look them up on line if you are unfamiliar, they are truly amazing). The essence you and he need to take is Walnut. Very good for creating inner stability when big change is afoot. Rescue Remedy could also be used alternately ( that's a really good one to always have on hand for emergencies and trauma). You can use these in a spray bottle if your son doesn't want to drink them in a little water. Be sure to take them yourself! Flower essences are a deep, gentle, and noninvasive medicine. Very effective!

Be Well,

C.

I would go on a mommy son date with him and try to get him to open up to you. Be very understanding with his feelings don't laugh or make a facail reaction to what he says because you can turn his trusting in you to being mad at you and closing him right up. Reasure him that you will continue having mommy son dates. Even if you leave your baby with daddy for an hour while the 2 of you go get a bite to eat or an ice cream. Remember that he is now old enough that he understands jelousy. (Are you having a Boy) Maybe he thinks you will love the baby more then him. When kids are young they don't feel jelousy, but he is now old enough to feel it. Also let him know that he is hurting aunty's and Dads feelings by crying while your gone. My daughter only had this reaction when I had to stay the night at the hospital, she didn't want to leave me or the baby. She cried for my mom and my husband. But was fine when we got home. It could simple be that he's afraid something is going to happen to you and the baby and he won't be their to help you out. Talk to him alot and grow this special bond with him. You'll love him so much more.

Good luck with Him and the new baby. J.

Just a quick idea. When I was prego I told my Daughter I was haveing a baby and Mommy would have 2 babies. I know your son is 4 but the concept may help him.

I would say, you will always be Mommy's baby and now Mommy will have 2 babies. We made it a game and laughed about it alot. Now... I often take both kids on my lap (my son is now 9 months old) and say how many babies does Mommy have? My Daughter yells out 2 babies.

So maybe you start the "two babies" thing now with you current 2 and laugh about 3 babies and how much fun it will be. I also laugh and say in an accent that they are "driving me crazy" and that helps with the crying and hanging on me too as she says "Mommy is crazy" and we laugh instead of telling her to get off me. She then goes on to play.

It has been very hard but I am making progress.
H.

Hi,
This time around is very different for your son he is older and much more cognative of changes. He also hears other people talking about all the changes. The best thing to do is epathize with him "I understand this new baby might be scary to you, but I will always be your mommy too." "I will always love my special ______ this baby will never change that." Reasurring words and words of understanding go along way with the little ones. Through empathy you will also help him to find words for his feelings. At four he is aware of many more feelings, but may not have the words to express them.
Sounds like he is really scared of the changes to come, try to focus on the ways things will still be the same. Even as simple as "I will always be your mommy".

Enjoy the many hugs he needs and do not grow weary. You are right this will pass with your love and support.

hi C.....the 1st time he didnt understand your time with him would be shortened ...well he knows this time and just wants to get some time will mom before it happens to him again....its normal...he'll be fine...but i would suggest giving him "special time"now and after the birth ...same with your 15 mo old...i know its hard but if we choose to mother many children we must mother many children.......W. the mother of many children

ps....giving him some ownership to his new sibling can be helpful too....ie...this time your so big u can help mom & dad with YOUR new sister/brother etc...u can teach him to eat popsicles and how to sing your favorite song... matter of fact if he starts sining it to the baby now, studies show that the baby will react to it after birth so start the bonding now !!!

Wow C.--it sounds like you have your hands full! Have you tried talking to your son's teachers to see if anything has changed there? I've noticed that sometimes, too many changes (no matter how slight) can make any child anxious. Or maybe he's worried that with another baby, there just won't be time for him. Maybe a ritual that's only for the two of you (you each color one side of a coloring book page and put the book back in a top secret location once a week, take a walk and pick up leaves for a special box only you two can open, etc.) will help him feel he isn't losing his mommy. And for the separation anxiety, two books that I love are The Kissing Hand and I Love You All Day Long! Good Luck C.!

Are you having a boy? I have heard that children can sense the sex of the baby and either feel comfortable if it is the opposite sex or very jealous if it is the same sex. I am currently pregnant with a girl and my son who is 4 years old told me he had a sister in my stomach when I barely found out that I was pregnant. I have a friend with the same experience. My son is very loving and have not had any problems with him being overly clingy. My suggestion is setting some alone time with your 4 year old so he gets special attention daily to avoid those jealous feelings. I hope that helps, good luck.

I sense you son is anxious about the new one. I think it is so much better to prepare a child if you are going to be going out than to leave it till the last minute. Give them warning and let him know you are going to be going to ? Explain to him that you will be gone for x amount of time and what you are doing, who is going to be with etc. He is old enough to understand these things. You create more anxiety by not communicating with him what is going to happen. He sees you are getting ready to leave and doesn't know what is going to happen.
Also, chat about the new baby, what his role in the family is, how he is the oldest, the teacher of his younger siblings, what a special place he has in the family. No one can take that place...
Reassure him. Also, depending on where you are in your pregancy, you might get some books on having a baby, your stay in the hospital etc. He may be relating your leaving to the last time you were gone when you had your daughter...

This is a phase I am sure! But you should still go and do what you need to with out him! He needs to see that when you leave you will come back! He needs to go out with dad (boys day out)have your son pick what he would like to do with dad. Also have a mommy and son day or just take him to the park or something like that! He knows that things are changing and he is trying to show you what he wants! YOU! Also you should do all that stuff with your daughter so she doesn't feel left out too!
I understand it is hard to split your time between kids and will be even harder when the baby comes but it is well worth it!

Lewann

Hi C.,
It will pass, but in the meantime, try to spend some quiet time with your son alone. At home, maybe a nap time for your daughter, play with him, don't talk about the new baby. Just one on one, calm play.
He used to be the only one remember. Then comes this other child, that is very cute and gets all the attention...he may need his Mom and Dad for a lot of time right now.
Your daughter doesn't have to be part of every moment with him. He's still a baby...so he doesn't want to hear about another one??? just a thought.
You're going to make it!

It might help to make private mommy-son times with your son. Just the two of you. During these times, (have someone watch over your daughter) make a point to express how much you appreciate his being there, how much you love him, and simply thank him for choosing you and your husband to be his mommy and daddy. Express how his coming into your lives have made things so wonderful.
At 4 years, kids start feeling that giddy feeling of independence from their parents (especially mothers ) as they learn how to tie their own laces, or take baths on their own, etc. They are probably more sensitive to their responsibilities if they are the older sibling. At the same time, they probably start to become more CONCIOUS of their fear of being independent: "Will everything be okay? Will Mommy really still love me? Is it okay for me to be here?" etc. I'm thinking that perhaps your child's energy is maturing into a more conscious form, feeling and making connections on how things might change, but not really being able to place his fear. Having to share mommy time with another sibling is a very big thing for a four year old, since he still needs the help of an adult to get along socially with the world.
Helping him to undertstand that his very special place in your family with always be secure, might help. When you are tucking your son into bed, crawl into bed with him and chat casually in a very soft and secretive voice, asking him about his day, how he felt about certain events during the day, etc, and once in a while thanking him for being there, showing appreciation for things he had done or things he said that helped things to work out, simply thanking him for being himself (even with his crying fits!) and how his being there makes them such a great family. If your son falls asleep while you're talking, continue talking to him in a soft voice, gently touching his arm or shoulder once in awhile so he can still hear you in his light sleep stage (the first 5 minutes or so). Talk to him, also as if you are talking to yourself, telling yourself as well how much having him and your children and your family has made things so wonderful.
If you can continue this everyday or every other day, I think you'll start to sense little changes in behavior in a week or so. If its sounds like something your feel comfortable doing, please try it. This has helped my family get through many hurdles. I hope it does for you, too.

You will make it through this. You have a lot on your plate. I remember being pregnant with my third and all the patience and energy it took to mother my other two and it was probably a bit easier for me because my two at the time were 4 1/2 and 2 years old at the time. In my opinion your 4 year old is apprehensive about the coming of your new baby. He didn't do it with your daughter because he didn't really know what to expect yet he knows how much of your time will be taken up by this new baby. It's just a fact, he's seen for himself. And it's not like you necessarily could have done things differently, obviously the new baby needs a great deal of your time. My unprofessional advice would be to read books to him about "a new baby in the house" which you already may have done the first time, but do it again. Also it might help to try to get him to talk about his feelings (not in the moment of him crying because you are leaving) at a relaxing time, maybe a quiet time before bed. A book that really helped me with that is a kids book called "The Way I Feel". Each page explains a different emotion and after reading each page I would then tell my child what makes me feel "happy" or "sad" or "jealous" and then ask him to do the same. Sometimes nothing much comes of it, but there are some times when my kids have brought up something that I didn't even know they were feeling so this gave me the chance to help them understand or work through it.

Hope this helps.

One thing you might want to look into is to have his eyes checked. My daughter was the same way for the first 18 months of her life. I couldn't leave the house or even go into the next room without her grabbing onto my clothes and crying. I finally took her into the eye doctor and she is as independent and no longer clinging with her glasses.

J.

My daughter is only 1, so I don't have the firsthand experience with that age yet, but a couple thoughts: Could be a phase, could be the baby on the way (he is at a completely different stage of life with this pregnancy than he was with your last one, so he is processing it anew)... or, something may have happened that he is not telling you or able to express. You may have to dig a little with him and those around him to try and figure out if thats it. I have to say, my radar went up when reading it because it sounds like it changed so suddenly. Especially since he no longer wants to stay with daddy. It could be something happened while in his care (not even a direct result of your husband's actions) and now he feels safe only with you. Or something happened with another male and he transfers that on to daddy? Who knows. It's probably nothing to be alarmed about but I would try to rule out that possibility. If you make a good effort to find out if anything happened and don't discover any defining event to pin it on, you'll rest more easily. If you can be sure it is a passing stage I think that would take a lot of the anxiety and stress out of it for you.

I feel your pain!!! Though not as severe... I am 5 months pregnant with another boy. My 20 month old son will not leave me in peace the minute I walk in the house from work. I can't cook, can't take a shower, nothing!!! without him pushing me away from what I am doing to hold him or scream at the top of his lungs. He even rejects his dad too! I have been told that if it's the same sex, they are even worse... (old wives tale, maybe, but they have to start from somewhere). Although I have no advise for you, I would just suggest to take a breather every once and a while. And if he cries about it, darn. You need your sanity too!!!!

When your daughter was born, he was too young to really imagine how his life would change once another baby arrived. Now he's older, has more experience and a bigger imagination, and it probably feels like the love of his life is abandoning him. It's about the same way most people would feel if their spouse or girl/boyfriend said, "I love you deeply, with all my heart, but I also want to be married to/date somebody else." He can't really imagine how your love will stretch to include everyone.

I'm the baby in my family, so I am still surprized by how strongly (and how often) kids can resent their younger siblings, even if they adore them. My older two are grown and on their own, and still sometimes get resentful when they hear about a trip or party we've had with either younger child.

This will eventually pass, but it'll need your help to pass more quickly and easily. Make sure each child gets 1 on 1 time with you - and their dad. Talk about all the great things about being a big brother. Tell him how much you will, and already do, rely on him. Try not to show him how exaspertated you are, because that will fuel his fear that you'll abandon him. Offer a reward if he can separate without the tears for a certain period of time (start small: say, 10 or 15 minutes.)

Also, make sure nothing else has sparked this fear that seemed to come out of nowhere. Did someone he loves move away or die? Did someone he knows just divorce? Does he go to preschool or a regular babysitter, and has something happened there?

Good luck, Mom! You'll all be fine!

C., you've had a lot of good responses, but I also wanted to recommend a FABULOUS parent coach. Her name is Carolyn Gatzke, owner/founder of Engage Parent Coaching and Education. She has helped me tremendously! Like I said, the suggestions you have been given have been great, but if you feel like you want to understand more of what's happening with your son, she may be able to shed some more light. Her phone number is: ###-###-####. Good luck and best wishes. R.

Hi, well, OK, you are having more children ... that's understandable that he might not feel so secure, now he knows whats coming! It's common to feel less valuable - awful for him if it is a boy? Would you want to be replaced by a new wife?
;-)
See what you can do to make him not feel like he's no longer the center of your world (and not too much about the Big Brother thing - that's a lot of pressure). Letting him feel the baby is for him is good. Telling stories about the family or friends and their adult siblings too, helps him see it from other sides and as normal family thing. You have some good replies.
Just don't treat things as less important if they are 'a phase'. EVERYTHING is a phase! Life itself is.

Dear C., Sorry for the difficulty right now. I too, had no problem with my daughter when my 2nd child, her brother, was coming nor when he arrived. She was 2 1/2 when he was born. When my 3rd child was born, my daughter was 6 (a 4 mo. from 7)- it was a very different story. She became extremely clingy & cried a lot about things. She went so far as to make-up a story at school...which her teacher took as truth - it was awful! I can say, she kept a lot of it up for a year or so after he was born. The jealousy stuff - which I also never understood. Each of our children have a lot of attention and we do so much as a family - always have. I can say that it gets easier to deal with. Each issue dwindles in its intesity. If we had had money, we probably would have gotten her counseling...anyway, the ultimate is, that it will get better. Reinforce and love. That is all you can do. Pray for the best. Good luck & God Bless.