First of all, I applaude how all of his parents are having meetings and trying to work a solution out for him as well as keeping his environment stable and consistant.
HOWEVER; why in the heavens would any parent go out of their way at 9 pm to pick a child up from his parent's home because he wasn't getting his way?? Y'all need to quit enabling him by allowing him to yoyo back in forth from one house to the other????
It's excellent that both sets of parents have the same rules for him, you need to add a new one---we will not accomodate you when you dont want to follow the rules by picking you up and bringing you here! BOTH sets of parents need to be strict about this. We will no longer find this acceptable behavior will help you set the standard.
Have you tried spending alone time with just him? Let your husband keep the baby while you take "Jr." off to do some special things together and rebuild your bond. Kids do get jealous when there is a new baby in the picture---and he has a 5 yr old brother now too. Is it possible that he feels invisible because of the younger siblings needs coming before his? He after all, is more able to take care of himself.
It sounds like he's using, "I hate you, I want my mommy!!" as a way out of doing chores or being held to his responsibilites. By both sets of parents saying this is NOT happening anymore takes away his ability to PUNISH either parent by not choosing to see him/her for 3 weeks. You're allowing him to manipulate all of his parents! By allowing this "one phone call" manipulation going, you're going to end up with him phoning you to pick him up from the police station when he's a bit older. MAKE HIM ACCEPT HIS RESPONSIBILITES!
Each household needs to continue sticking with the same rules. If he wants to cry, scream and throw a temper tantrum you do the same as if he were 3 and ignore him! He wants attention...negative or posititive he doesn't care as long as it gets him out of his chores! If he escalates to throwing things etc, put him in his room. If he distroys all of his things, until his behavior changes for a marked period of time, do NOT replace what he has broken in an anger fit!
Temper tantrums are a cry out for attention. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT is possibly lacking here.You said you're a proud parent of a 1 yr old daughter...you're also the step-mom of an 11 yr old boy who is starting puberty! He needs to know YOU love him too! Telling him "Good Job" and "Way to go" are really things he needs to hear from you. Praise his good behavior and give him hugs and kisses---show him what positive attention is!! When we do nothing but give attention to what wasn't done right, the feeling that we can only do wrong comes into play.
For example; if you were working a job and your boss overlooked everything you did well and only called you on what wasn't done properly it wouldn't take long to feel as if you couldn't do anything right! It's the same with children and especially in the roles of step parent to step child. It appears that he's seeking YOUR approval and YOUR love by striking out at you.
Your rewards don't have to be something you've gone out and bought him, actually; I never approved of that raising my boys. Doing something special together, even putting together a puzzle or playing a game with him is better because you're interacting on a positive level with him. It's showing him that you care and that you want to be with him. This may make a world of difference in your relationship.
I'd have to say your next step is to take him to a counselor---and let the counselor know ahead of time that he has been manipulative and demanding. Give the counselor the whole picture---which may take all of his parents being at a few sessions with him. The fact he has pushed his much younger siblings says he has anger he needs to learn how to deal with...doing that NOW as opposed to after he's hurt someone is too late. You really don't want him to hurt anybody----not himself, a sibling or a child at school.
Raising kids isn't easy! I know it took lots of love, patience and holding my breath and counting to 10 several times as they were both growing up. (I have 2 now grown sons which I raised alone most of their childhoods.) There were even times where I sent ALL of us to our rooms to cool off and that actually worked very well. By the time we all came out, we had cooled off and were ready to confront the situation with level heads.
STOP ALLOWING HIM TO MANIPULATE YOU,Teach hom ways to manage his anger--- get him in counseling---check with your health insurance company or his doctor to find a good one---do NOT ask the professionals at school! (Whole new can of worms!) Give him tons of positive attention, giving attention to what he has done right and done well go so far. He has to feel that he has your love and affection too.
Let him know the revolving door on both of his homes has been replaced with a real door, there will not be any more rotations outside of the normal schedule. Review all of the house rules at your next family meeting and re-establish boundries. Go over actions and consequences with him. Set him straight on who his parents are and who the child is! Help him learn healthy ways to deal with his anger and emotions. Positive reinforcement for all the things he has done well will certainly make him feel better about who he is and will make the world of difference in your relationship together---which will affect the entire family.
I'm NOT trying to "point the finger of blame" at you here. Parenting is hard! Knowing when and what to do is sometimes a huge challenge!
Loving the step child the same ways you love your daughter will help him see and feel that you accept him like he was yours too.
DO NOT FIGHT with your husband in front of "JR" when he has you upset! Re-establish what Jr is supposed to be doing, then you and your husband need to find an out of the way quiet place to TALK. If Jr sees that he can put distance between you, he'll use it like he uses I wanna go home!
I'm going to keep your family in my prayers! I remarried and felt pretty bad for the things my sons put my husband through. He had a very laid back personality and not much of what they did upset him. But WE stuck to the rules and he gave them "Ed time" away from the rest of us. We soon learned that all they wanted was a place in HIS life and in HIS heart.