How Do I Handle a Rebellious Stepchild?

You don't have a stepson problem. You have a husband problem. I'm not sure why this tendency to indulge and excuse the child's laziness wasn't evident early on, but you've seen it for 11 years, so ....this is your reality.

You're right to expect chores. You're right if you think this teen is headed for tons of trouble, with teachers and employers and love interests. You're wrong to think you can make it happen or that it's your role as stepmother. I'm a stepmother, and I can tell you that I'm not the parent. My husband is. I have had many private discussions with my husband (and I saw his parenting for several years before we married) because, even with prior knowledge and discussion, things come up. It's a tough sea to navigate, even if you're mostly on the same page.

You're totally wrong to have an argument in front of a child. The only mature statement in the paragraph you wrote is your stepson saying you should find something else to argue about in front of him! Seriously, what are you thinking? Marital discord is not something to show in front of a child. So, in that sense, your husband was right to comfort his son, although wrong to participate in the argument to begin with.

Get marriage counseling. Now. What you want and need doesn't matter in your relationship. You come third in this family. The child comes second, and your husband's desire to be the Party Dad who makes everything fun and easy comes first.

Your problem isn't your stepson - it's your husband.
You are criticizing his parenting.
What Hubby does is working for him and his kid - you are making waves.
Granted Hubby isn't doing his son any favors but they aren't - and may never - see it that way.
You need to decide if this is something you can live with - at least until (or if) this son grows up and moves away.
Talk to a marriage counselor - alone if Hubby won't go with you - and decide if you are better off with him or without him.
If you stay then you need to accept Hubby and his son as they are.

Being a stepmom is really hard. I am one so I know it has it challenges. I recommend getting professional help. Marital counseling. Your issues with your husband are playing out with your stepson. This isn’t about him. He is a kid in the middle of adult issues. Please don’t fight in front of him especially if the disagreement involves him. This dynamic shames a kid. You don’t want that on your conscience. Blessings.

This is an issue with your husband. First, stop arguing when the stepson can hear you. Next, apologize to your stepson for taking your anger out on him. Then, decide if you and your husband can sit down and talk about this without arguing. If not, it is time to see a counselor. This is not going to change without your husband being on-board with his son doing his share of chores.

This question pops up so regularly, I think that there should be a class for people getting married taking on step kids. I had to take classes before marrying my husband ... married a man with a child is so much more involved.

There's the problem between you and your husband. You shouldn't be arguing in front of your stepson, especially about him. That's just wrong on so many levels. How would you like it if they argued about you in front of you. How toxic.

You're blaming your stepson for your marital problems - to his face. My husband's parents blame my husband for their unhappiness and it just pushes him further away. It certainly won't improve your relations with your stepson.

If your husband doesn't have rules for his son, that he's not parenting effectively. This couldn't have just happened recently.

You and he need to have marital boundaries - about what's ok for you as a couple, and for your home/family. Part of that includes the harmony for the household. If you're not ok with what's going on, you need to be able to communicate that to your husband and be understood/respected. If you need stepson to pull his weight as far as tidying up and contributing more, and hubby isn't listening - that's hubby who is the problem.

I think you have every right in your home to say "Please put your dishes in dishwasher" and "Please tidy up your mess" etc. I do this with kids who visit our home, because this is my home. I did this with a tween yesterday who wasn't going to tidy up after herself. These are the house rules, and I enforce - for all kids who visit our home.

He parents - but you should feel free to enforce basic home rules as far as contributing to keeping the home going. Everyone here (even guests) help set table, etc. It's just being courteous.

A rebellious stepchild? If you've actually been in this child's life since he was two then you should have a relationship, which would include values and expectations, and normal chores or whatever around the house. But it sounds like you just married his dad and wonder why the kid doesn't want to do anything. It's not really any of your business, honestly, that's for his dad to deal with. I would never try to parent another man's son (or daughter for that matter.)

This has been going on for 11 years, it's certainly not going to change now. Maybe your husband is the type of man who feels like the wife/mother should do all the housework?
Stop fighting about it and adjust your own actions. A 13 year old is certainly old enough to do his own laundry so you can start with that. Show him how to use the washer and dryer and let him know he's responsible for his own laundry now. You don't need to yell or fight you just stop doing his laundry. Same thing with other tasks, if you pack his lunch every day teach him how to do that, then stop doing it. If he wants any little extras like a ride to a friends or money for a movie, have him earn it by doing small chores. When you put the choice to him then there's no more yelling or fighting. And he will like the independence taking care of himself brings.

Do you have other children? I'm asking that question because if you do have other children and they have to do chores, then absolutely, you need to talk to your husband about what this says to the other children ... why his son doesn't need to do chores and they do. If you do not have any other children, then you need to talk to your husband about why you think chores are important.

You don't mention any other challenges you are having with your stepson. Does he get good grades? Does he behave well at school? Is he otherwise respectful? Does he play sports or is in activities? Since you didn't mention anything, I'm inclined to think that, other than chores, he's a pretty good kid?

I think you need to change your approach. I think you need to come up with some reasons why you think chores are important for your stepson (not for you). Tell your husband that your son needs to know how to do things for himself (laundry, dishes, vacuuming ... all life skills), that it's important for him to appreciate what he has and to contribute to the family (not take people for granted) and that it can help him learn a strong work ethic. Or come up with other reasons, but they need to be about why this is good for your stepson, not about why it's good for you. Remember, you are trying to convince your husband that this is good for his son!

Right now your argument is, "He doesn't help around the house," and your husband's response is, "He shouldn't have to." Time to talk to your husband about why this is good for his son!

Stepchild, biological child, niece, nephew, grandchild - doesn't make any difference when the situation is that the child has been indulged, never punished, never properly parented, never consistently taught to take responsibility for anything.

It's inevitable. If a child doesn't have rules, boundaries, structure, security, expectations, consequences, love, and teaching, that child will grow up to be the kind of human being that the rest of us don't want to be around. They'll whine, demand, and expect that nothing is their fault, and nothing is their responsibility. No employer, professor, or friend will be good enough for them. Jobs and bosses will be too demanding, classes too tough, banks too uptight, rules of the road too strict, laws too restrictive, all because they've been taught to expect that from an early age.

So since this is your stepson, and his father is in his life but chooses to excuse behavior and not set logical standards and consequences, sadly your choice is to watch this boy turn into a young man who will just be an older version of his spoiled younger self, or to get help for your husband to realize that he must be a responsible, involved, dedicated parent and spouse, instead of being the reason this boy is headed for failure as an adult and that the home life is fractured and contentious.

This sounds like a husband issue. You need to get on the same page or you will continue to have problems. I suggest counseling. Don't blame the kid for your husband going along with what you want.

First of all is there more than one child in the home? If there is and they're old enough to do chores also ,write out a chore list for everyone I do not have step-children but I was tired of being the only one cleaning the kitchen and the one that work most hours outside of the home so I assign kitchen duties to everyone. Monday was for me Wednesday my granddaughter, Friday for the guy who rented a room here and Saturday my husband. This seemed to work out very well and you can also make the list doing other chores also . good luck I know how hard it is I raised a stepson back in my younger years

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First of all is there more than one child in the home? If there is and they're old enough to do chores also ,write out a chore list for everyone I do not have step-children but I was tired of being the only one cleaning the kitchen and the one that work most hours outside of the home so I assign kitchen duties to everyone. Monday was for me Wednesday my granddaughter, Friday for the guy who rented a room here and Saturday my husband. This seemed to work out very well and you can also make the list doing other chores also . good luck I know how hard it is I raised a stepson back in my younger years