Need Help W/ My Daughters

Hi A.: I feel very sorry for all that you and your daughters has to pass through, but to start having some healing in your life as a woman, and in your daughters lives, you need to talk to them and ask them what is really bothering them. Because it seems like you are a good mother , giving all the attention that your daughters needs, but before you enter seriously in a new relationship, I think that you really need to make sure that the pain and fear that your daughters might be feeling is healed or at least in the way to be healed. Because all this is just going to bring more tension to your relationship with your new person. I think that you really need to take them to a family counselor just you and your daughters, and may be later can include the new person in your life. Remember that they might feel scared and insecure and they will demonstrate that been mean and rude, but that is just their way to express their fear and their pain. I hope that you can solve this situation and be happy with this new person,so all of you can make a big and happy family.

I think it is about time you begin your life now for yourself and the new man in your life. Let your daughters know that they are one of the most wonderful thing that has happened to you but you are making a new life for yourself and as they are a part of it, they ARE going to have to accept it and live with it. Let them know that what happened with you and your ex is no longer going to run your life. That part of your and their lives is over.Let them know that there is help for them to adjust but that no matter what, this new life is going to happen. Let them talk to you about how they feel and that nothing can take their place. Assure them. Take them to your minister or a minister and let them get advice from someone that may have a different view of things.Someone that can see a new perspective with the change in you life. You are going to have to use the tough love approach. Don't be weak as they can see that weakness. Good Luck and God bless you, Jo

No, they are controlling you. They are old enough to know. You need to sit them down and have a heart to heart talk with them. Explain the rules. It is hard. I was 7 when my Dad left and although he didnt beat my Mom physically, he did mentally and I hated him for years. What he did to me and my family. Our Mom was a very nice woman. I am surprised that your girls are so rude being Scouts. That is not how we were taught to behave.Do you take them to church? I dont know I think they are scared! It might just take time for them to see that your new BF is a nice man and isnt going to hurt you. Maybe if his boys are nice to you the girls will see. I feel sorry for you all. It is a difficult situation but I think honesty is the best. Tell them a lil of your feelings. And not to mention their ages Oh my! I will send a prayer your way. Good luck! DB

It sounds like you're ready for some family counseling. I think there are several issues at hand.

I think each of the kids likely has personal issues that deal with split of the parents' relationship, poor treatment possibly by the father, and coping with new family members that they may see as a threat. Although they quarrel with you, they may feel like they are losing a piece of you to these new family members.

You probably need to take them aside and find out what is going on. Sometimes finding a third party like family or church counselor can be the objective voice that is able to uncover underlying issues.

I can suggest Phoenix Associates, 2200 Lake Avenue, Fort Wayne, IN 46805. Ask for Donna Boeglein. There is another counselor she may be able to refer you to if the children's problems seem more dramatic as he specializes n children's issues... Jim Cates. I'm not sure of his address or phone number though.

-S. Frane
http://www.myspace.com/staceefrane
http://www.diamond.extremecreation.com

-S. Frane

Well, i was a single mom for 8years and just recently got married to a wonderful man. My son didn't start seeing his father until about 2yrs ago and when we did see each other he was verbally abusive. MY son was very jealous once i did start seeing someone else but didn't like his dad either. He did all possible to make my life miserable until i put my foot down but you will have to have the help of your boyfriend. I do not think moving in with out meeting his kids was not a good idea, i disagree with living with someone before marriage because i did that long ago before my son was even born and it is so easy to walk away from a relationship and not have to work out the issues and then your kids will be even more confused. Also help from your family. My family was very supportive and would really help me when my son caused me greif for going out on a date etc. If you clamp down now and keep it going in a pattern, you will see great results!!! You have to just make them understand that your boyfriend is not going away anytime soon and talking to them will not help. You have to be firm and if grounding or taking things away is the answer then so be it. They need to understand who the mom is. We even had to move to a new school which was really awful for him. My heart broke for him but he knew he would get to me and upset me when he would cry so i finally said enough is enough. Get with their counselors at school, make them talk to your girls. Also make them understand that because of the move in you will be able to spend more time with them and give the th e love they deserve. DON'T GIVE IN!!!!! Oh yeah, my son is 14 he is severe ADHD. I was involved in everything i could possibly be involved in @ his school VP of PTO and gave him the world. That doesn't always help!!! Get them counseling, it helped my son. Get them involved in a youth group at church, church counselors are always good but you have to keep it going in a pattern...... Lord does this all sound familiar!!! Good Luck!

It will take time for your daughters to trust this man. He is going to have to prove himself to them by being kind to you and them if front of them. Living with him does not set a good example.

Good for you that you found a nice guy! You did not mention whether or not the girls have gotten counseling for their past hurts and trauma, but that can be a major help in getting them past their fears and into being able to trust and feel comfortable wtih you in a relatioship again. I feel that all their attitude is a cover for a basic fear of you and/or them being hurt again.

Your girls are afraid for you. They do not understand that every guy you meet will not hit you. They think that all men are going to hit. Sit down with them one on one and let them know that not all men are like their father. It is their defense mechanism to be rude. They are on the defensive because they do not want what happened before and they think that if they are rude and push your new man away, then you won't get hurt. Help them by talking to them on their level and you will have a much happier future. good luck.

hey honey, what if you sit down with the oldest first and then the next in age and finally the youngest...and ask each child this...What is it that she sees as the one thing that she was being sassy about before you all moved in with this man and has it changed with the living situation? and what is the one thing Now that she is being sassy about? What is one thing she would like to see changed and one thing she would like to see stay consistent? Tell her you are going to speak with her sisters individually and then sit down with the 3 of them and discuss it further- to see if you can come up with something that will be do-able for all of you.
My mom was a single mom- just me and her and i remember twice she brought a man to our place before she brought over the one who became my dad. i had a bad vibe from the first two and i am certain that if they had come around more than the once each- things would have been very UNcomfortable for me. If a kid does not like someone- it is not likely to change. Children have a certain discernment you know? They cannot necessarily put words to it but they know. Atleast i did. My dad i liked Right away. i did not like him trying to make me eggs in the morning which is because i was a very picky eater nor was i ready for him to be caring for me but he didn't try that again. They dated for a while and he only came over enough for me to get a feel for him and mom did not leave me with sitter too much at all- maybe once- to spend time with him- maybe i stayed with my aunt which would have been normal to me to do. Then they got married which i was cool with- i did not expect her to run every life decision by me but i was 3/4 or 5 when they met and 6 when they married. i did kinda rather expect not that i thought about it but i did expect her to not start anything with someone i was not comfortable with.
Explain if you feel ya need to to your girls that you are not marrying this man because marriage is a commitment you are not ready to make but that as an adult, you are comforted to have someone to share your life with- just like they like having friends their age -even though they have a mom and sisters, they too like having relationships that are close and not blood. Tell them that the way their father treated you should be an example to them of how Not to treat others and that they are in no way obliged to own that behavior in themselves..unless they start following his example, then they will have to own that behavior and change it and it is much easier to never start a behavior than to start and then try to stop it. Tell them that his hitting you was one way he hurt you but that(unless it is not so) he also hurt you with the way he regarded you. Remind them that they do not have to embrace bad examples and that if they see something in you or their father or anyone else that they do not like or agree with, then they are free to reject that in themselves.
So try to ask each girl why she thinks she treats you with a sassy attitude. Maybe they need to become Aware of how they are treating you. ~and that each girl is responsible for how she treats others.
Also- my mom never ever tried to force my dad on me- she never suggested i call him dad- that was ALL me in my own time. At 12 years old they told me that he wanted to legally adopt me that it was important to them/him...that it would mean alot to him. i said yes - it meant nothing to me but i was happy to make them happy- it did not change what he was to me (i thought it was lovely that he wanted to adopt me but me in my life it would have made no difference to me if it had never been suggested.)
so anyhow- the way you put it, it sounds like you had an "issue" with the girls before the man and you may be working with different "issues" that ya need to address.
A sassy attitude seems rampant today- all the tv commercials and the tv shows are full of miss thing sassy attitude- and no less for the boys. Maybe you could ask them if they would want you to treat their friends or their boyfriends in the future the way they have treated the men you have brought to the home. If they say something like, "That guy was a creep though and i didn't feel he was good enough for you or us," then tell them you understand but that you would have rathered they would not be Rude to him and later when you were alone for them to have confided in you their feelings then. As far as counselors- if you go to one- i would suggest you make sure the counselor understand that you are not looking to find out 'what is wrong' with the girls but that you are looking to find harmony amongst yourselves and a working respect amongst everyone where everyone is respectful of and comfortable with their place in the family. The nice thing about not being married is that it is that much easier to leave:)
i would talk to the girls and make them understand that it cannot be Expected that you Never live with another man but that it is important to you that they are comfortable with a man you live with that they will be living with. Tell them it is HARD to afford living on one income(unless you do not have that problem-and they will know-so don't lie cuz they'll know if you do sooner or later and lose respect and maybe even justify lieing to you by knowing you lied to them-but any way that is an aside). Make them understand that one day they Will have to accept someone that they need to start being open to the idea. But since they are already in it- i would be open to moving out if they are not comfortable with this man! Can you imagine being a young girl and having to grow up with a man who you just 'do not like'? That will not help your relationship with them NOR HIM. so find out how they Truly feel about this man and tell them that even if you were to drop this relationship, they need to understand that they need to be open to the idea of a man. But do not try to think they are trying to sabotage your relationships- you may have just not brought home the right man yet. Maybe they do feel okay about him but they have not gotten over a criticizing attitude of you. ask them if they think that is the case. My children are 7 and 10 and i can speak to them this way so i am sure you can too. it is possible to speak to children as people without talking down to them- not that i think you talk down to your children. My girlfriend has moved in with and moved men into her home and she has a daughter- i love that she is never afraid to leave one and her daughter is Great. She knows her mom can stand on her own and will if she needs to. i think she is getting that the world is what it is and people we love come and go but she loves without reserve. Maybe she will have issues about it when she is older but who goes through life without dealing with an issue or few? What is important is that one's home be a haven- the man is "expendable" the girls are not. It is nNever too late to change a situation. The opportunity is always there. i am not saying to kick the man out of your life but i am saying don't be afraid to either. You could even move out and still see him for a while if that IS what the girls need. They do need time to become comfortable with him before they live with him. Maybe they are comfortable with him and their only issue is with you and/or themselves.
Tell the girls that if their sassy attitude does not change, you are afraid that it will become a terrible habit amongst you to not get along and that it would break your heart to not be able to get along with each of them. Tell them that you have beeen trying but that you feel like you are missing the mark and so are finally ASKING them what you can do or change but they are going to have to be willing to change too- that not getting along has become rather a habit and one you each are going to have to help break-having to find new ways to act/react to/with each other but that getting along is so worth it. Tell them getting along means so much to you and that it is not a one way street where it is all yours to do any changing/acquiescing. Tell them they will be glad to get along with their mom if they have children they will value that they know how to get along with their mom. and would they want their babies to grow up to treat them the way they have been treating you?? would they want their children to speak to them the way they have been Have Been speaking to you? Try to put that stuff in the past tense. :)
i hope this has been at all helpful- the answers ARE all inside you- be unafraid you willll find them.
Best to you.
p.s. the older girls need to know they are an example to the younger and the younger need to know that just because their/her sisters may act a certain way does not mean she has to they each need to be their own person, not take up everyone else's battles and think for themselves.

First of all, you really need to think about what's best for you kids. I mean no offense, but you moved in with this guy and haven't even met his kids yet?! That seems really unfair to your kids. I applaud your efforts to be happy, but if they have resisted all the guys you have dated the worst thing you could do is cram it down their throats. You should probably slow it down and see things from your kids perspective.

A.,

I must say I have never been in your shoes, but from my standpoint, I agree the kids need a chance for counseling, at least to be heard. I agree, you are the mom-adult and the leader, but you are a family and decisions are made as a family. I am a bit stunned you would move in with someone whose kids you have never met..how do you know he's a good dad if you've never seen him parent his kids? Your children however misguided/misplaced don't like the situation..what does that teach them when you disregard their feelings and move them into his house. I think it is different when you get married and blend a family. I'm not trying to be rude or harsh...that's not my style...but perhaps just a different perspective. I hope the kids get a chance to be heard, they get some guidance on how to adjust to this new situation and you and your boyfriend find "healthy" happiness! It sounds like it is long overdue.

A.,
I would try counsling for your girls; or family counsling. They could just be afraid that you will be hurt again. good luck

Your situation sounds very similar to what I have been through. I have 2 daughters, was married to their father for 7 years. They were 3 and 5 when we divorced. I don't really have any great advice for you. I know this has not been easy for us either. My husband now has a son that has been in alot of very bad trouble. He was in the detention center twice last year and already once this year. My girls are now 13 and 15. We married 4 years ago but lived together for 5 years. My older daughter has never gotten along well with her step dad. The one suggestion I can make is to make sure that you and he present a united front both for your girls and his boys. Don't have 2 sets of rules, one for the girls and one for when the boys are there. Do your best to make sure everyone has their "own space" including yourself. It takes time to blend families, don't expect it to happen over night. It is alot of work but you deserve to be happy also. As the kids mature they will understand that you weren't being a selfish person but do also deserve to be happy.
Best of luck to you, stick with it and support eachother. It takes both of you working together to work.

A. while I have never been in your situation I have heard from others that they benefitted from therapy. If you have insurance they may pay for part or all of it. If not is there a minister or the like who could council you and the girls? The school also may be able to help. Our school offers that kind of support for free. It also would not hurt for him to go. You may have even more problems when the boys are around.

Hang in there and keep trying. Do not let them run your life. You not them are the adult. You deserve some happiness.

Not being sure what your spiritual beliefs are it is difficult to address this situation. I have been a GS leader and volunteered in just about everything that our children were involved in. I thought this was a great way to be involved and spend time with them and show them that I care. In the end, I found that I actually spent less time with them and more time preparing for things. It was VERY difficult for me to back out of just about everything I was involved in, however it was one of the best things that I have ever done. Us women find ourselves trying to be people pleasers. The fact is - not everyone is going to like us. And that's okay. Your children will eventually grow up and move on, they come through us but do not belong to us. It is not a selfish statement to say that we need to take care of ourselves first. I would strongly caution moving in with someone, especially when children are involved, before there is a committment. There are still lots of great men out there, I pray that you have found one.

A.:

I think your girls want to control your life. I don't know what you have told them about their father. The one who was a 5 year old may have memories of him beating you, talking to you unreasonably and therefore thinks it is okay. The one who was 3 may have subconcious memories and is acting with her older sister because of them, the one who was only one saw the older girls get away with it and so, "hey, if it works for them it works for me, too."

You are the only one who can regain their respect. Be firm and remind them they have a right to be your children, you have a right to have a life and they can just get involved or they will spend a lot of time grounded and in their rooms.

P. R

I'm very sorry for what you have been through, but cannot understand how moving in with a man you are not married to will help your children respect you more. Not to mention it is putting another temporary adult (and his kids) in their lives. It seems, from what you wrote, that you need to take time to heal your family before involving others.

It is hard when your in this type of situation. However, you have to stay strong. You have to stay consistent with the girls about respecting him as an adult first and foremost. He also has to do the same for you with the boys. You also have to do the same (be a good role model to them)and vice versa for him with the boys. Do not counter dict him/her in front of them. If the discipline you feel is out of hand, then just say his/her name to get their attention. If there is a problem with the way things are being handle then you as adults not in front of the kids discuss it and the solution. The key is also he needs to spend quality/bonding time with them (& again vice versa with the boys). The girls also have trust issues with men seeing what you went through with their dad. Do the girls have contact with their dad? If so he may be continuing to fill their heads with junk. You & this wonderful man need to come together ahead of time to make rules on how to discipline for ALL the children & NO MATTER who's child is at fault or if the children are all together or not these rules have to be enforced EQUALLY!! NO FAVORTISM FROM EITHER PARENT. The children will see it quicker than anyone and resentment will set in. Then even bigger problems.

Also, you need to share the responsibility of the children and share ALL aspects (the good, bad, & ugly) of their lives with each other. You cannot handle the girls problems (your children) and him handle the boys problems (his children), you have to always have a united front. Because you will then have more hurt feelings if your only allowed to be "their" parent when the other chooses to involve you.

I know all of this is not easy stuff to do and you will have to make a daily effort to make harmony. But after a while there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck!! Also, prayer, prayer, & more prayer. Having an active Christian life is a big help. Doubt is the devil, always remember that.

Counseling would definitely help. Just like you have issues in trusting men so do your daughters. I don't mean for this to come through judgmental but moving in with him did not set a great example to your daughters. If they don't like him and they don't want to be in this situation, then you just forced them into something that they are already having a tough time dealing with. I would move out and start from scratch with him. You are getting into a complicated step/blended family situation that affects your kids the most. Your two older kids are almost teenagers and no doubt they are dealing with their hormones raging and trying to figure out where they belong. Really, you should all go into some type of pre-marital counseling with a counselor that specializes in step/blended families. Just moving in with a guy and expecting your daughters to adjust is an unrealistic expectation. My mom dated a wonderful guy when I was 15 and it had a huge impact on me - she didn't even realize how big. Especially b/c he would stay the night at our house which did not set a good example for me at all. In any way, it took me a good year to warm up to him and trust him and it took for him to be so very loving and sweet for me. We worked on a lot of issues together. In the end, he and I had a very close relationship that in my heart he was like my dad. But like I said it took a good year for me to warm up to him b/c I did not trust men. My trust issue stemmed from my mom being in an abusive relationship until I was about 11 or 12. So, having said all of that, get all of you into counseling as quickly as you can.

I think you need to get you and your girls in some form of counseling. I think doing that would open up doors that were sealed off by the girls. Seeing their mom being beat by their dad is traumatizing. You not being in a healthy emotional state isn't good for them either. I do wonder why you moved in with your new boyfriend? Was it financially a help to you? At any rate...I do think though that counseling would be the best route...if the sit down and talk did not work one on one. A mediator might be best so that all parties can voice their concerns in a controlled atmosphere.

Hope you find a solution to the concerns. Oh yeah..another thing...not sure if your religious or have a belief in God...but pray about it as well if you do.