Please, I Need Some Advice!!

What if her dad comes back in the picture in a year, two years, etc? Then you will have told her that her dad did not want her??? What if you mess her up for life by telling her a man didn't want her? My father did not seem to want me and it sent me through YEARS of issues with men. So much that I dated the WRONG men just to please them and hope that me bowing down to them would make them love me. Girls have a tendency to do things they shouldn't just to please a man when they are insecure. Luckily I made it out of that and have married a good man. What you should tell her is that her daddy is sick, sometimes people have issues and don't think correctly. Tell her that her daddy is trying to get well and figure himself out but in the meantime you love her enough for both her mommy AND daddy! Tell her that she is perfect and that her daddy will realize how much he misses her someday and will return. If he does not, she will be old enough to understand the truth at that time. As far as moving in with a 'recent' boyfriend, you sound like you are insecure and maybe act like you need this guy.....you don't NEED a man, be strong for you and your daughter and make sure she is #1! This man should NEVER be upset that she talks about her dad! Is he controlling?? How do you know she is even safe with you living with this man? There are too many child abusers and crazies out there. Sorry if this sounds harsh, I do mean it to be, I just want you to think of ALL sides and make sure no matter what, that your daughter is #1 in your life. Make sure SHE feels it too.

I notice a couple of moms mention that your daughter needs counseling. Well, I won't disagree with them. However, it sounds (from the tone you wrote your post in) like you need some counseling as well. At the least, working on building your own confidence & self esteem. If your confidence & esteem was high, and you truly loved yourself & your daughter - you would NOT be moving in with someone you've just recently started dating.

In my opinion, you shouldn't even be introducing this guy to your daughter unless you've been dating exclusively on long-term basis. Then, after about 10 - 12 months of proven commitment and acceptance (of your family dynamic) - start introducing your child to this guy. Sounds like you may be young, cause you doing things backwards and immaturely. For the sake of your daughter - I hope you're able to get yourself together - get out of this relationship (or at least slow it way down and have him move out - he's obviously controlling & a potential abuser) and realize you need to love yourself & your child 1st! NO man comes before or between that.

I would not tell her that the "new" guy can take on the role of her father. You said you recently started dating and have already moved in together. You don't know what the situation will be like 6 months from now. Maybe counseling would help your daughter. I wouldn't tell her anything bad about her father. That can turn her against you. She needs to figure out things for herself. How old is your daughter?

This new guy should back off. I would be pissed if I was in your situation. He has no right to get upset that she talks about her father.

Wow, seriously. You don't say how old your daughter is but however old she is, she doesn't need you to tell her that her father doesn't want to be her dad. If you have only "recently" started to date a new guy, why would you move in with him so soon? Your daughter's well being is not being addressed. She is letting you know that she is not comfortable with this guy living with her. She is afraid you are trying to replace her father--and it sounds like you are. Just because you and he could not get along, he is still her father and always will be regardless if he is actively in her life. She is trying to make sense of things and the only way she can take "your dad doesn't want to be your dad" is that something is wrong with her. Your new guy knew you had a daughter when he got involved with you so his difficulty in dealing with her attachment to her father does not bode well for your relationship. "Blended" families are the most difficult to maintain because the feelings of children are often ignored. They then have a wonderful way of creating difficulties for the adult relationship. 2nd marriages have a 70% chance of failing and problems with the kids is a major reason. Sorry, but your first priority lies with your daughter and you aren't doing a very good job right now. I highly recommend counseling for you and your daughter. She is going to need it to deal with the abandonment by her father and her perceived abandonment by you. I know this sounds harsh but I have seen too much damage done to children of divorce by well meaning but misguided parents

For 1 you don't even tell your daughters age. And no one can replace her dad, even if he doesn't come around. Her dad is her dad! And your boyfriend should understand this and if he doesn't then he needs to hit the curb! Your daughter should always come first before anyone, including a man. You don't want your daughter treating anyone like a father figure until you are married to a man. Not just dating this person. You never know when this man will just walk out of your life and then what? Your daughter will be crushed! It sounds like to me your daughter needs some counseling, and I think you should get her into it asap, don't you think. Stop putting men in front of your daughter and don't you dare tell her that her dad doesn't want to be her dad because that will crush her and crush her heart like you wouldn't believe...

Because you have moved on without HER father, doesn't mean the man stopped being HER dad. This new man will also never replace her real dad, whether he is here or in fantasy. She misses him and has a right to. Don't take that away from her and expect her to dismiss him and take on this new man as if he never existed, just because he is a sour taste in your mouth. You have to put your kid first and you can change guys, but she only has ONE father, and that's the one you want her to forget. The fact you're living with this guy isn't helping either, because you're not married to him and he could leave anytime if things go bad, and then what...your daughter have to get adjusted again to another "failure" Please be considerate of her and don't rush her to accept this new man. He will have to earn his place as father figure, not push it on her because he just happens to be the new man in YOUR life now.

How do you know that your new boyfriend is going to be her new dad? Has he made a legal commitment to you? Does her bio dad pay some of her expenses? Why is your new guy upset with a 3 year old for talking about her dad? That is weird. He is not her dad. Does he want to adopt her? She is only 3 and he needs to give her time to bond if he is going to be around. S., you have to think of your daughter. She is too little to understand divorce/breakups/new boyfriends. I don't think that explaining anything is going to do anything but confuse her more. I am sorry for whatever pain you went through with the biodad. I hope you and your daughter will be okay and that you will protect your daughter and yourself from getting walked on again if that is what biodad did. You sound like you are very loving and concerned about your daughter. If you are confused, think how confused your girl is. How about asking your new boyfriend to move out unless he is prepared to make a lifetime marriage commitment to you and your daughter. Marriage is there to protect women and children financially and legally from men hurting them. It still happens but it is so much easier for men to screw women over if there is no legal commitment.

just dont say anything. you dont say how old she is but she sounds like maybe 7ish? at this point im sure shes figured it out she just wishes he was around. tell your boyfriend not to worry about it and you dont either she will figure it out. but you may want to look at getting her in to therapy so she can have someone to talk to about that

.

Hi! You say you've recently started dating a guy & have moved in together. How recent is recent? How long have you known each other? He should be more understanding about when she talks about her dad. Before you tell your daughter that this new guy can take the role of her dad, you should be sure that he will be around & wants to be her dad. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment, as you know.

Even if he does become her dad, she just might have questions about her biological dad in the future.

Good luck to your family!

I would not talk bad about her real father or tell her that your boyfriend could replace him. Even if he is not around he is still her father and what you say about him will affect her. If it comes up, I would just tell her that her father will always love her and then depending on her age you could go into more detail about the situation.

I would advise against telling this child her father 'doesn't want to be her dad.' She already is dealing with serious abandonment issues resulting from his leaving. The one person amongst the three of you who needs the most understanding and support is the child, who is simply trying to find her way. I have to add, if the man in your life is threatened by this child's talking about her father, how stable is this guy? And how old is the child?
I strongly encourage counseling for the two of you - you and your boyfriend - so that you will have a stable, solid place from which to grow your relationship and raise this little girl. She needs it desperately, and it will only help to strengthen your love relationship.

Alot depends on her age, and how much of a relationship she had before he dropped out of her life. She probably just doesnt understand why he abandoned her, and it's totally naturally for her to fantasize about him being around. He is her dad, she knows that so she obviously longs for a relationship with him. i wouldn't tell her he doesnt want to be her dad. That could break her heart. You need to talk to her probably with a trained proffessional. This is a very touchy subject for a kid. They don't understand. And if your new boyfriend is going to take over as you say, just let it happen naturally. Don't force the issue. Thats the worst thing you can do. Let him build up a trust with her. SHe's already been hurt enough. I hope you really believe that he's going to be long term, before you moved him in with you and your daughter. The last thing she needs is another father figure stripped out of her life. It's too confusing. And you want to set a positive example for you daughter.

For the sake of your daughter put her first. If a man truly cares about the well being of your child he would not get upset that he talks about daddy. That may be your daughters way of healing with the hurt. Let her talk loads about him, support her through this painful process. Moving in with a man who is recent is not the best advisiable thing to do. I really don't want to judge but I cannot understand why women move a man into their home with a young daughter around. Uggg. This new man does not have to replace her dad after he's new.