Need Help Encouraging My Son

It sounds like you're saying the right things. You could point out a specific person who appears to have things "easy" and let him know that it wasn't always like this for that person. At one time, this person had to do this or that. Just by way of example. I always told my daughter that you have to do the hard stuff first before anything will get easy and putting it off doesn't change that. It will always be hard first, but the reward comes later. Just a fact of life none of us like! Glad he's back home and working hard. Good job, mom!

Hi L.,

I'm confused about what he thinks is so hard, and I truly don't mean in any way to belittle his situation. He's taking a full load of classes and working part time? Is that it or are there other factors that he is dealing with? Most college students work part time while they take a full load of classes. part of what college does is teach you how to manage the things that you are responsible for... school, work, family, friends, distractions etc.... how to plan your time and prioritize your behavior.

I feel a little bit like you may be setting him up to fail again. If you tell him that it won't be like this forever..... well, when it IS like this forever (and it might or might not be) he will be disillusioned again.

If he thinks that this is the hardest it will get he is going to be in for another rude awakening when he hits middle age if there is another economic crisis, or the woman he marries has health issues or, god forbid, something happens to one of his kids or he has to start all over with just the clothes on his back because of a tornado or earthquake or hurricane.

Instead of sugar coating life for him.... can you instill that he can do it- whatever "it" is and whenever he has to do "it". He needs self-confidence so that whatever life throws at him he can get on top of it and make the most of it.

His life might work out. I know people (some on this site) who put in the hard work, made good decisions, used "elbow grease" and built a life that by the time they were 30 had it all worked out.

But most people - especially in this economy - have seen their 401K depleted, are trying to make a mortgage payment on 1 salary instead of the 2 they had when they bought their house and are trying to figure out how to re-build their life and keep their head above water.

So telling him that if he puts in the work now he will have an easy go of it... isn't the direction I would take.

Tell him to take care to choose a career that he loves, because he may have to do it until he's 80. Tell him to choose his friends and his girlfriends wisely because they are the people who will help him reap the benefits of his hard work. Tell him you're sorry he had the mistaken belief that being an adult = freedom and that being an adult means taking care of others and providing for the ones that you love. Instill in him a sense of responsibility to work to build a life and a family rather than equating work to a payoff that will buy him materialistic wealth and an easy ride down the line. He needs to understand that there are no guarantees in life, but that no matter whatever happens he is a strong man and he can figure it out because he has the basics... intelligence, tenacity, drive, motivation, desire. not because he worked hard at 20 to buy an ipod or put gas in his car.... but because he is a hard worker and will work to build his life.

Good Luck

Be careful to not praise him too much. It sounds like, in your effort to convince him, you may be going over board with the encouraging words. Doing so gives the opposite message. It's like, "you're trying so hard to convince me, I wonder if you're having to convince yourself first." and "if what you say is true, why do you have to keep repeating it?"

Also keep in mind that his mental anguish and feelings that this is hard is a part of the lesson. If it all felt simple to him, he wouldn't have a lesson to learn or he wouldn't be learning a lesson. We moms tend to want to rescue our children from pain but it's the pain that teaches.

I would think that he needs a guy to tell him this. Some mentor. Dad would do, but an older cousin, a wise uncle..... The only two people that my husband will REALLY listen to and really takes their advice is my FIL (his dad) and his mentor/friend 20 years older than us.

But I agree that while life is simple, that's the time to make money and keep it and spend your time working hard. My husband worked hard before I met him and made a lot of money. Now, he's able to work a crummy job and we have our property paid for, our cars paid for, no credit card debt, etc. And we're 30/31 yrs old. NONE of my friends/family have their homes paid for. They still have 20+ years to pay their mortgage. So working hard at age 20 worked GREAT for my husband.

Perhaps telling your son stories like this will help encourage him. I dunno. But he needs to look on the bright side - life is MUCH harder if he had a wife and a couple of kids by now. He needs to take this time for himself and like you said - work hard now and take it easy later. Or hopefully easier.

BTW - my husband worked hard with NO college degree, no college hours even, and made more money in one year in sales than me, with a college degree made teaching in 4 years. So college doesn't equal amazing money. Drive, passion, and know-how IMO is what makes the bucks (depending on what he wants to do).

You seem to be on the right track. I tell my daugther as hard as life is and as tiring it is to work and be responsible. You will learn to true meaning of rewards and lifes special treasures. I'm not sure if your religous, but maybe you can get him into church to teach him some spirituality. It helps to know someone is workng with you.

What part is bothering him the most... the working part while going to school? Seriously.... going to school isnt' that hard if that is ALL you are doing, right? So is it that he is having to work at some sort of less than ideal job too? Commiserate with how tough it all is right now... but the entire point of getting a good education/degree is to be able to MOVE ON from that menial job. Yeah.. it kinda sucks right now. But it COULD suck for another 50 years..... 4 years doesn't seem so long, now, does it?
My husband put himself through college. No help at all. Worked 2 jobs to live while taking classes and taking on debt to pay for school. He worked really hard and was even asked why he was going to college (by extended family)... He then went on and worked hard training at his job (and NOT becoming part of the very high percentage of wash-outs in his career field). Now, he earns a great income (we aren't rich, but he makes enough that I don't have to work and we live in a pretty nice home with enough $ to eat out regularly and buy most things we really want) and has a nice retirement in place and still being funded. He buys most of the "little" convenience type stuff that he wants now, though he doesn't want that much... a coffee on Sunday mornings, mostly. We go to concerts, sporting events, have our kids in sports, etc.... His job is hard. But if he hadn't been wise 24 years ago... he would STILL have to be working more than one job to afford to live like we live now---and I wouldn't be a SAHM---I would be out there busting my butt to earn some money to contribute as well.

Tell him YES it IS hard. But it isn't forever. And he will look back with pride on the maturity he has to step up and face it head on. To put in the work NOW. Tell him to imagine he had a child to feed/clothe and provide medical for. And diapers to help change, and daycare to pay for.... THAT would be HARD. Get through college and it will be worth it later. The immediate gratification is going to have to come from within: that he is gratified that HE is mature enough to make these choices NOW. Be PROUD of these choices. THAT is his gratification for right now.

Don't know if you have said all of that already or not. But ya know, you can't just tell him words and make him feel better about it. That is a part of the process too. And he is GETTING it Mom! You must be proud of him! Tell him so!!

Responsibilities CAN feel good. He's doing it. I don't mean to get all Jedi mind trick on you (star wars geek here) but there is no try, only do.

Life is also what you make of it. He's in transition. Transition can be painful, but he has to experience that pain to decide for himself what attitude he will have and what kind of man he is to become.

Now here's the part I'm not sure how to tell you because I sure wouldn't want it said to me. I would stop encouraging him. Just point out to him that he's doing what he needs to do right now and let him go. Your heart hurts for him because your his mom, but he's 20. He is flying. I really think you need to take a huge step back from him to show him that you believe he is a man. That in itself can feel fantastic.

I am sure that you are saying it enough, and knows that you are right. He may not show it but I bet he is listening.

Is there anyone that he "looks up to" or is close to, that maybe could say a few words to him and tell him that he is doing a good job. Mom's are great, but we know that sometimes they listen better if its coming from someone other than a parent. Somehow its easier for them.

Your doing great, its a loving thing that you are encouraging him, and trying to guide him, and not "telling" him. That makes all the difference sometimes.

I was always told "If you work hard now, you wont have to later" "Sad now, happy and thankful later"
Patience is the key, and you cant expect things to happen over night, good things take time to happen.

Best of luck to you and your son!

have him look back at his first day in high school, i'm sure he felt the same overwhelming sensation and helplessness. and have him look at where he is now. my point is to show him he will get through this and continue down a well structured road you and his father have made for him. he will be ok mom.

It sounds to me like you're handling it the right way! There just isn't a shortcut.

Speaking from experience, he really needs to realize that no one gets anywhere without working hard, period. When I was in my late teens and early twenties I went through drug phases, dropped out of college, etc and then one day I realized that I wanted a good job and a good life and that meant working and getting a degree. I got my BA at 27, which is older than most, and I now work full time with great pay and benefits, have a great husband, and 2 boys who are everything I could ask for. But, it took me awhile to realize what I needed to do and how to get there, and I think you're son will need to come to this realization on his own as well, but encouragement is key, no matter what my mom always had faith in me and that is probably why I am where I am today. :)

I think Windycitymomsaid said it really well. I didnt have to work during college but friends did and I guarantee they would all say it was the easiest time in their lives. We do very well financially but life is still way harder than I expected once I had kids. And after college, work was harder usually and then graduate school pretty much sucked. So I agree with Windycitymomsaid that you shouldn't lead him to believe once college is over, everything will be much easier. College certainly were the best four years of my life and Ive had a pretty easy life vs some... My parents always told me to enjoy my youth and it was only going to get harder and I believed them. I'm glad they told me and plan to do the same for my kids. Though I think my parents could have prepared me even better. Of course, my mom says her life was way easier than mine bc she stayed home and never catered to us like parents do to their kids now and I work full time.

We are in our early 30's. Due to health issues and family issues, and things outside of our control, it took my husband 8 years to get his degree. He is considering getting his master's now b/c the employment field is so competitive and I am returning to school soon as well, b/c I worked while my husband went to school for income. It is extremely rough, living right on the poverty line with a growing family, but just enough above it not to get any assistance. I would advise him to finish school as quickly as possible, study his butt off and get amazing grades... get some good internships b/c when it comes to careers, it's all about who you know, your networking skills and what kind of a good internship you have. Especially if his professors are experts in the field and can give him good referrals. Even if it means getting scholarships, grants and student loans and cutting back on work to finish. That is the advice I give my kids, things I wish we could have changed if we could go back.

It sounds like what you are saying is fine. Does he seem to be having an unusually hard time? Because if he's not, it sounds like what most young (and old these days) people have to go through. You can assure him he's not alone, that he's only doing what every other 20 year old usually does.

If it were me, I'd say something helpful like, "welcome to the adult world!" But then that's not very sympathetic, and probably not what you were looking for.