Need Help - Dresden, OH

HEllo,
Tell him he want to talk to talk to a male friend. You need to lay down the law make him choose you or her, then you will know who he wants.

Hello J. G;

Sadly, we are living in a time when nothing is sacred, not many things are held in high esteem. Marriage was instituted by a Holy God and that is why it is referred to as "Holy Matrimony". Because it is our "Holy God" design it can only function when we adhere to the "designer instructions". Holy Matrimony is a "covenant" relationship instituted by God where He makes all the rules. A "covenant marriage" is a marriage where two people are in an EXCLUSIVE relationship, SUBMITTED to God and He is the "only third person"! When we begin to talk outside of the marriage to people other than our spouse or God, we have the Adam and Eve situation all over again and everything will fall!!!! (And we thought that story was just an allegory). In today's world if you don't like each other once you're married you simply bail out. In a covenant marriage bailing out is not an option, because God is the keeper of the covenant and He is responsible for keeping two submitted people to Him together.

Marriage will of a surety expose one another's weaknesses! But, our response to those weaknesses is of primary consideration. Find out why he feels more comfortable talking to his ex-girl friend than he does to you! Try to hold a conversation without accusation. Men typically shut us out when they feel they are being accused, whether the accusation is true or not. Communication is key!!! What is your husbands love language? What is your's? Knowing how to keep each other's "love tank" full is one sure way to prevent "talking outside the covenant". There is a very good book by Gary Chapman titled "The Five Love Languages". I know that it will bless you! Don't give up! Find out where the problem lies. Then do your very best to fix it! If you're praying keep it up, if you aren't this would be a good time to start! My husband and I have a conference call for young married couples every Thursday at 9:00 pm est. The next five weeks we will be teaching from the book I mentioned above. You and your husband are welcome to join us. Just dial 1-###-###-#### and the access code: 816552# (it is a long distance call)
It sounds like you are a very ambitious young mom and that's ok. Learn everthing you need to learn through this storm in your marriage because these lessons are so much more valuable than a degree will ever be. Just like in school, if you don't pass the test you keep repeating it! Know that you and your family are in our prayers!

Mrs. G

J.,

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids.

Yes, there IS something going on. He has no business getting his needs, whatever they may be, taken care of by her.

Separate if he's not willing to stop and admit his wrongdoing. He may come back later very contrite. It's up to you if you want to take him back again. However, can you ever trust him again? He's proven that he's a liar and a cheat. People make mistakes. Some change. Most do not. It's in their character.

Good luck.
B.

J.,

Wow, there are a lot of control freaks out there! The "you must move out because you keep talking to her" attitude is pretty extreme. If you are raising 4 boys AND getting a degree, exactly how much free time do you really have to listen to your husband? If he swears nothing is going on, maybe he is telling the truth? Has he given you cause to believe him a liar? Is there other evidence of dishonesty?

I had a long-term relationship with a wonderful man who did not want to get married and have children--7 years, actually. I moved on and married my husband and we have two beautiful boys. My ex is still my best friend. My husband is now friends with him, though we only get to see him once a year. I call him every few weeks just to talk, though, and my husband feels no threat from this whatsoever. He is glad I make and keep such good friends. And, no, there is nothing else going on besides a deep and enduring friendship.

We all need to remember that no ONE person can meet all the emotional, psychological, social, physical or whatever else needs of another person. Talking to someone is NOT the same as cheating with them. It is just talking. There is no way every single word that comes out of your husband's mouth can be directed to only you.

Try to sit down, undisturbed, with your husband and explain to him calmly why you feel so threatened. Listen to him when he says nothing is going on, or you may very well push him into it, since he is being treated as guilty already. The very thing you fear the most may come to pass because of your insistence that it is already happening and forcing your husband out of the house. I agree with previous advice that a counselor may be of great assistance to you, if it is possible for you both to agree to see one.

Best wishes,
K.

J.,

I would ask him why he can't talk to you? You are his wife and you should be his confidante as wel. Also, I would call his ex girlfriend and in a civil manner inform her that their communication is causing friction in your marraige. I would let both of them know that it is inappropriate for them to be in contact and that she needs to stay away from your husband. I am not suggesting you cause any drama, but be firm and help her understand that you have a family you are trying to keep together. Most of all pray for your marraige and your husband. Good luck

well dear if he is lieing to you now why let him stick around?? once a liar always a liar. my ex is one and still lies anout all kinds of things and he is 40. Let the guy go tell him you will not let him lie to you any more and you are moving on bestronge about this dont let him belittle you. Stick to your ground and let him know you are done with the lies. If you let this keep going then how good are you then? that might sound harse but its the truth. dont let other people take over your life.
Good Luck D.

It seems to me that he is not being honest or truthful of his intentions of contacting the ex. Has he brought closure to their breakup before you two married? The proof is in the pudding. The key unlocks what you need to do for yourself and what is best for you and the children. Empowerment and overcoming all obstacles will help you get through this ordeal. Maybe you do need a separation to find your self and decide if this is what you want from your marriage. Trust and honesty is very important in a marriage.

Hello J., If he is doing nothing wrong then why can't he call her when he is at home, and why doesn't she call him when he is at home if there is nothing to hid.. If he needs to talk to sombody then it should be his wife. good luck.

Hi J.. I'm very sorry that you are having problems with your marriage. It really sounds like there is a breakdown in communication. I can see why you would be upset at your husband wanting to make contact with an ex-girlfriend, however she is a part of his past and the real issue seems to be his motivation in seeking her out. He has no right to lie to you and in a healthy relationship he should be able to talk about things without being defensive. I am in no way standing up for him or pointing the finger at you, but I'd like to suggest something for the next time this conversation is being played out. Try to focus on how you feel, "This makes me feel...and not when you do this it...or I can't believe you would..." and let him respond, you're likely to make more progress. This is a really difficult situation and counseling would be beneficial, especially if he's not willing to expose his feelings without being defesive or rude. I wish you the best of luck.

Why isn't he talking to you is my question? When you are in a marriage/relationship there should not be any communication with ex's,unless there is kids and the talking should only pertain to the kids. There is obviously a trust problem and you just need to come out and say either stop talking to her or I am leaving and if he choises her then there is your answer he doesn't care enough about you to respect your wishes and you need to fallow through with it and leave. It will be a lot easier to take care of the problem now then to find out later he is cheating. Good luck and let us know what you decide

Wow ok a lot of advice here but can I play devil's advocate for a minute, what if there really isn't somethign going on? ok so they had a relationship, but he married you, if he's lying about it it is probally due to teh fact that he thinks you will get angry and accusse him of things that aren't even going on just because he spoke to her, everyone needs friends, if he felt he could talk to her and tell you then he probally would, but you need to trust your husband, i doubt he is the only person you talk to, i'm sure you have a friend or family member to go to if he ticks you off or if there is somethign that he just doesn't get, now I dont' know the whole story maybe he's cheated in the past, maybe there are other problems in your relationship, but if things are good don't jsut jump to conclusions because he's talking to an ex, I'm still friendly with several ppl I dated when I was young as is my husband, in fact most of us were all friends in school, but we love each other and trust each other and know that this is where we both want to be, and at times I get jealous but I jsut remind myself how I would feel if one day he told me I couldn't go get a drink with or talk to so and so cause I dated him and I get over it, it doesn't feel good to feel controlled. so talk to him, find out why he's talking to her i bet he has a reason, and she's his friend or she needs a friend or whatever is a good reason, it's al the reason a person needs to speak to someone. so good luck for the sake of your kids i hope you find a way to work this out, but you BOTH need to be more sympathetic to how the other is feeling in this matter, and the whole stop or else thing, is never a good idea. god bless.

I don't care if there's nothing going on,he should not be talking to her. You are right in telling him you want to separate if this continues. You're his wife now and he doesn't need to keep in contact w/her anylonger. He needs to understand this is ruining his relationship w/you and just not do it.

S.

Look for a book called Not just friends, I believe by Shirley Glass. It is highly innappropriate for a married person to be talking with ex's, period, unless there are kids involved. He obviously has NO respect for you or the boundaries of your marriage. You don't want to know how quickly that inncent "talking" can turn into more!! I have been there. This tramp also needs to find out that this IS affecting his family and ruining your marriage. If he won't let her go, there is more to it than you think and you should go into stupid snooper mode, meaning play dumb but snoop and watch and gather evidence. I found my husband talking to an old gf and after some snooping, I found out about a different one that he was carrying on an emotional affair with. You do NOT want to deal with that.

I don't know what came first. the talking or the separation issue, but here's a couple of ideas. Get Dr. Laura's book... The Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands. It really doesn't mean you are the bad guy or have done anything wrong. when I read it, it actually helped me realize how right I was, and also helped me understand how men think better. I thought, I need to try everything and anything, so I'll go for it!! And things are sooo good. Personally, I think anytime a married person goes outside the marriage to a person of the opposite sex for 'someone to talk to', they might as well be having an affair because it is a lie and a betrayal of that trust that you should have in a marriage. I think you could really benefit from counselling...getting an unbiased 3rd party w/ NO vested interest in either of you. Good luck! It's my experience that men don't like counselling cuz they want to fix it themselves. Be patient and try to remember why you chose each other. Sometimes it's hard to see for all of the kids and daily routine!!!