Need Guidance on Creating Peace and Harmony Between Myself and My Family!?!?

I have 3 children and my daughter was the one who needed the most reassurance during the night. I was never allowed in my parents room at night and so it was important for me to be able to give her this support. She was most needy from age 3 to 4 and spent most of the night in our room. I found placing a fold-out bed next to ours was a good solution. Tell your fiance this phase is only temporary and is an opportunity to make an investment in developing her sense of security. If he is unable to see this as one of the sacrifices involved in parenting a counselor can help mediate your disagreements. A good counselor helped my husband and I come to terms with several issues including our different parenting styles.

I think you should take a parenting class together, and also see a counselor. I know that is the usual thing people say (get counseling) but I think it would really help to discuss your philosophy and your plans with a neutral third party, whoever that is, and put your agreements in writing so that you have a baseline to start with. When you're always arguing in the moment (and I know how that is) it's hard to really get to the bottom of what the differences are.

I also think that if you are caring for her 100% of the time, your opinion about her development and understanding has a lot more weight than his. The parent at home gets to use their parenting style because they're the one at home. As she gets older, that will probably change.

Hello J.,
I would enroll in Music Together classes. Yhe classes are all about bringing harmony home. This means the music, but in a way that it helps the parents with new parenting skills,,,and the classes provide a safe place for the children to experience their first formal learning environment where there are rules and boundries and rewards for good behavior. One of the best things for your daughter is halp with transition time (like bed time or toys away time) These classes are designed to help with that too. Also parent education sessions with the parents are free each semester, so your fiance can learn too (and he can go to the classes- even better!) I teach this program in Bolingbrook at the Rocket Ice Arena, but if you're down yown chicago ..look up Merry Music Makers with Mary Thillman. Good luck!!!

I am exactly in the same situation as you are :( unfortunately I have no idea what to do either. My son will be three on February and I feel like my husband treats him like he is 10 years old!! He also gets mad at me because I "baby" him too much. I work over 40 hours a week so the little time I have with him of course I'm going to baby him!! :) I really don't have any advice for u but just wanted to let u know that ur not the only one dealing with the same issue and I hope things get better on your side :)

While I totally agree with you in your parenting beliefs - I'm the same, but I have to agree with your fiance here too. We have NEVER let our kids sleep with us. I've always thought what your fiance thinks - once they start sleeping in your bed, they will not want to sleep in their own, and why would they? Because I've never waivered on this, my kids always go to bed good at night in their own beds - there just has never been any other option. Because I'm also a SAHM, I haven't felt like leaving her in her own bed at night is in anyway taking my affection from her because she gets so much of my time during the day - she is certainly not in need of M.'s attention.

I've done these things to help my now 4 year old daughter when she is feeling scaired at night. We turn her closet light on and leave the closet doors open. If she has a bad dream or is feeling especially scaired, I'll read her a very happy book with no real conflict or bad-guys (for us this is Strawberry Shortcake). I reassure her that M. and Daddy made her house very safe and no monsters etc can get to her. And I've also slept with her for short periods of time until she's calmed down - although she's never gone to sleep with me in the room b/c she's so used to sleeping by herself. These things have always worked for us in aleviating her fears.

Good luck.

Hello J.,

I'm a stay at home mom to a 2 yr.old, and also parenting in my 40's. :) I also have two adult age children (24 & 21), so I have been there a few times, and face the same arguments with my hubby. The thing I learned with my older kids was they do go through a period when their in their 3's & 4's where they get terrified over things. With my daughter it was hearing dogs barking nearby, noises in her closet. My son was terrified of the light overhead in his bedroom! (really!).. With both, I found ways to help them overcome their fears & we returned to sleeping again. Find out what your daughter is scared of in her room, it could be as simple as a stuffed animal or noise. Try and remove the problem, or during the day, slowly work on what is scaring her so she can overcome it. Also, with my 2 yr. old she can't tell me her fears yet, so when nights like this come up, I bring her into the living room & we snuggle & talk on the couch for a while. Sometimes I'll read a couple extra books or sing her a lullaby. After maybe a half hour, she lays down with no problem. I hope this helps, and believe me I understand completely how this can really effect your marriage, but parenting is truely a compromise just like everything else in your relationship. Find ways to agree BEFORE getting married. Good luck to you!!!

three is not too young to have lighter discipline or consequences...this is the age that our little kiddies push and try everything they possibly can to get their way. This is the time for you to be strong. I have never let my kids sleep in bed with me even when I was divorced. They learned from a very young age (still in crib) to stay in bed and put themselves to sleep, and never get out of bed and come in my room. If they do get up for the bathroom, they go straight back to bed. My friends (some of them) wonder how this is possible. Well, anything is possible, just a lot of work and following through. It is not easy at first, but so very worth it in the end. Too many parents take the easy way out with discipline and consequences. All you end up doing is causing more and bigger problems down the road. If your fiance does not want your daughter in bed, then I would make sure she doesn't come to bed with you. You and he need to work out an agreement that you both agree to and go from there. Take a parenting class or read some books and get ideas on how you want to parent...what is important and what isn't all that important. Good luck to you!

You both have very valid points. She is only three and nighttime can be very scary. But, three year olds can be very smart and they try very hard to get away with things & make things go their way.:) We have let both of our girls, very rarely, cuddle in bed for a few minutes when they are having a hard time falling asleep. We have never had a problem where they want to or feel they should be able to sleep with us all of the time. There are also the times in the middle of the night that someone climbs in to bed and under the covers. :) Usually, we are too tired to care. Then there are times when you get a foot in your face and you say enough is enough and carry them back to their beds. It's all just a part of being a kid. I have had nighmares that were so scary I had to wake my husband up & some where I flick on the tv just so I can stop thinking about the dream. How can we expect kids to stay in bed all of the time? Try a nightlight in her room. You could also try leaving the closet light on with the door opened a little. Maybe if it's not so dark she will feel more comfortable. :) Good luck. Letting them in the bed once in a while, so that they feel safe is good parenting.

It's wonderful that you have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. How wonderful for your daughter and you.
Marriage is hard work and so is parenting. It's a life long journey and exercise in humility, finding balance, and compromising. That being said, I would set up a time and plan to have a discussion/meeting with your husband specifically about this issue. You can both make some ground rules for the discussion. You can have it in a neutral place - like coffee shop etc. You definitely need to set a time limit. You can both come to the table with your ideas and beliefs on this topic (and this topic only). You must listen to the other person and let them finish and then you respond in a supportive manner instead of an accusing manner. Hopefully you two can walk away with a plan in place to handle these nights when your daughter is having a bad night. If all else fails, I would let Daddy be in charge of bedtime - since he thinks he has it all figured out already. And Daddy is in for a big surprise, because believe me, that little girl is going to figure out sooner or later how to wrap daddy around her little finger - they always do. And I mean that in a good way. And J. know this, woman are usually the peace makers/keepers in a family. It's part of the Mommy job description I think. You care deeply about your family and you will do great.

As someone who will be married 29 years next week, I can tell you 95% of our fights are about parenting. we don't fight that often, though. If you let your child in your bed, it will continue to escalate...trust me. He may be worried about someone thinking about sexual things with her in the bed...he may be worried that someone could make a bad allegation. I would suggest that there may be more to it if fighting is becoming an every day thing. Try talking without the child around, and see what is going on. Don't get married til you resolve this all. Good luck.

Good Morning J.,
Have you ever read to the kids they are never too old or to young. Now that you have another child in the picture, get her interested in learning how to read. You are never to young to learn. Your fiance will see what you are doing which will make him happy. Have him share the experience with you.
They also have business that will help you stay at home, and maintain the house at the same time.