Need Advise.

Record her telephone calls and get an attorney, fast. You shouldn't deny their father access to them but you may be able to do something about the girlfriend.

Fist off, let me say that if "your kids are the only reason you are alive"....then you need to re-evaluate your new "single life". Join clubs, make friends...use the time that your ex-husband wants to take the kids to his house to do a little dating or use it strictly for "you" time. Your kids, I am sure, love you, and will never forget that you are their mother. Don't be so threatened by this other woman. Here's a trick: next time she calls you up screaming at you...record it! Then replay it for your ex-husband to hear, and insist that you do not want your kids in that atmosphere.

I don't think you are wrong. I would not have my children anywhere near that woman. You may consider having a heart to heart with your ex so he can see where you are coming from hopefully and understand how difficult this is for you.

I am going through a similar situation. If you guys have a custody order on file, please be careful. You do not want to give him any ammunition to take to court. Such as refusing to let him see his children. I know it is hard. I have had many sleepless nights. My children are my life as well. You have to do things the right way. Also if your children want to see him you need to let them. That is something I had to accept. Just really think before you react and pray about it. That is the only thing that keeps me going at times. I wish I could help more. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear. If you need to talk you can email me.

Hi A.,
Hey that woman that wrote, to let the phonenr. block out, that is a good idea. It is your right to do so. If your ex complaines about that, tell him the kids are tired of hearing those hateful things from his girlfriend, on the answeringmachine. (If you dont have an answering machine get one).It's not that he needs to call you anyways, if he comes over every day.
But isn't it obvious, that they dont have communication going on. She puts it out on you, cause obviously she told him to reduce the visits, and he doesnt listen to her. Besides, if he would want to be around her, he wouldnt come to your place every day. Once you dont let his behavior intimidate you, and stop getting angry at him, even, if there is something you dont like, you will see, after a while he'll be different torce you.
Do you know what, it sounds creazy, but shut her out, be glad he wants to spend time with the kids, and if your ex comes over and gives you a hard time, tell him that you dont want him in the house, if he is going to take out the frustration he has with her, on you. STAY CALM.
I know you are hurt, and it is hard, but just like a couple of other ladys said, she is scared of loosing him, thats why she is acting like that, and they will not last. I am not saying to take him back, but don't you see that you are doing exactly what she wants you to do, act bad around your ex. Let that be her job.
Okay, when it comes to the kids going to their house, agree for 1 a week, and test it out ,if the kids even want to be there.Does he always come over at the same time, if you dont want to see him, why don't you go do something with your kids.
You dont have to stay at home, and wait for him, tell him you have a new life now, and that it doesnt revolve around his scedule anymore.
When we still have feelings for people like that we basically make asses out of ourselfs.
I really wish you good luck, and be patient...

Hi A.,
I do pray that your issue will be resoved and you and your ex comes to a reasonable conclusion to the problem at hand. Putting emotions into everything I agree with you and how you feel. You have every right to feel that way, But legally your ex has the right just as you do to take the children and bring them around anyone. I know you hate that but thats just how that goes. Why not trying to have a civil coversation with him and explain how you really feel and tell him how the other woman is and tell him to put himself in your shoes. He would hate it. I don't advise you to run off with the children because it will cause more problems later. I hope things get better for you girl. Blessings sent your way!

Well first off he wasnt right to cheat on you and that is a terrible thing to go thru BUT they are his children too and you have to let him see them without YOUR supervision unless hes going to harm the children in some way and you have proof of this you cant MAKE HIM come to your house only and see the kids thats not right! He should be allowed to spend time with his children however he sees fit and not have to answer to you as long as they are not in danger. Just because she hates you doesnt mean shes going to hate your children I hate my husbands X but I dont hate their son together he didnt ask to be brought into this world and its not his fault his mother is an idiot what im saying is YES she may very well be crazy but that doesnt mean shes going to hurt your kids... Sounds like shes immature but you have to give her a chance and you need to LET GO of your X husband he needs to be able to visit his kids without boundaries from you. He may still care about you but if he cheated on you and left most likely hes not coming back and it seems like you are using the kids as leaverage against him to keep him coming back to your home... you need to stop!

I had to come back and edit I am SHOCKED at some of the responses I was Not the "other woman" but in a way i was he didnt cheat on her with me but they were seperated for over a year and then we met and he eventually filed for divorce and custody of his son with her which we now have... I was the "girlfriend" for 2 yrs before we were married and although i didnt act like a stupid little girl and call her house and all that you cant tell him who he can and cant have around your kids just like he cant tell you who you can and cant have around your kids if hes such a "nice" person as you say then you should trust him to do whats right for his OWN CHILDREN you obviously are not the only one that loves these kids or he wouldnt make such an effort to see them... let him live his life however he wants unless hes hurting the kids or she is but you need proof there were alot alot alot of false accusations made against ME from the X because she was jealous of ME... So make sure your feelings are valid im not saying they arent but make sure or he MAY try to take your kids like my husband did.

Your being the victim of this circumstance. Empower yourself and stop having your kids be your crutch. You're giving your kids way to much adult responsibility and stress when they're just kids!! Be the adult, get back your self esteem. They're kids and you are the adult. You have to be the example they live by when tragedy happens and show them that no one person can take away your spirit.

Empower yourself and get educated. Do as the other instructed and seek legal advice. Help yourself. Your kids are not your life, they are the accent of your life.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. You deserve much, much more. I agree with the others about not wasting time and getting an attorney. Only you can protect yourself and your children now.

Let him go... he is not worth one more day of sadness. The 2 cheaters deserve each other - I am sure if you watch as the story unfolds you will see one of them cheating again - that's what they do.

May God bless you and give you the peace and happiness that you so deserve!

No sweetie you are not wrong!!! As a mother it is our primal instinct to protect our children. And if this So-called "woman" (sounds more like a jealous little girl to me) would talk to you like that than she has no right to be anywhere near your kids and he doesnt have the right to take them there. mabey you all can arrange park meetings where you drop them off with their dad at the park and you pick them up there that way they can see daddy and be in a fun place where they dont have to hear the things she might say...hope you find a solution...xxx/ooo. But most important you keep your head high!!!!!

Hiya A.
I understand your pain. My ex did the same to me but there is no remorse. He just throws this girl in my face all the time. At this point, according to our divorce decree I have no option but to have this girl around my children (daughter 13 son 9) and he seems to be doing everything in his power to have my children live with him and new wife and child.
SIGH!! The only thing that can get me through this is process is prayer. A., it appears that your ex still loves you. I pray that there is reconcilation between the both of you because it is possible. With God all things are possible. Really pray and let God guide you through this process.

You need to move to a new environment!
start over and move to another town/state!
that is really sad that your children are so young and you
are having to deal w/this kind of mess! obviously your husband is not content and wants a variety of woman!
don't feel bad! let him go and god may bring somebody else better and more wonderful in to your life! i have seen it happen, just be patient! its ashame that ya'll couldn't have worked through the details! I have seen cheating couples work it out, and realize they messed up! I had a friend who had a cheating husband and he admitted he messed up and they worked it out and there still together after 3 yrs.......
Good Luck ~

What a terrible situation to have to endure. I am so sorry this is happening. I think you should consult an attorney since this is a legal matter. If you can show she is harmful to the children then the court can mandate where visitation takes place. A woman who is willing to have an affair with a married man with children is not one who cares about the children. I am not blaming her exclusively as your exhusband is the person who violated your vows. Chances are their relationship will not last as it was built on lies. Get her as far out of your life as you can. I would let him know what you will not have dealings with her and only him. I would screen your calls if she is harassing you in the ways you mentioned. You can have services added to your phone where you can block numbers from even causing your phone to ring. I don't think you are wrong at all. Your consern shows you are a rational loving mother. A woman who would let her kids be in a situation that is harmful would be crazy. Hang in there!

S.

A.: I suspect you might still have feelings for your husband and you may be holding out for the fact that he may return. The primary thing you need to consider now are your children. You need to stay strong mentally and physically for your kids. If your husband is a good person and loves his kids...I wouldn't worry about the safety of your kids and if the "other woman" is a hateful as you say; your husband will see through her fake veneer soon. In the meantime, let's not make this other woman the "enemy"; it took two to tango in that situtation. Your husband is just as much to blame in that scenario as she. Get yourself together! Get out of that depression! Most importantly TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF yourself. Go get your hair and nails....join a gym (if you aren't a part of one now).....you make your husband remember the woman you used to be (the one he married). I guarantee he (as well as others) will notice the change!!! P.S. Love those kids; they are our reason for being.

A.. You are a threat to her, in her stupid little mind, anyway. Whether you do or you don't, you need to have a conversation with her to tell her that she doesn't have to be a butt, and you don't want him back. Give her a little time to 'see' that it's true, and she should back off. She also needs to understand that your kids ARE his kids, and she can't 'separate' them, and you will ALWAYS be a part of his life. If she can't settle with that, have a SERIOUS conversation with your ex, and let him know that you will have no choice but to persue actions if it doesn't change due to your right/obligation to protect your kids.

I truly understand your sitation.It appears though that you need to get your act together go in to any Louisiana court room and 9 times out of 10 the children go to the biological mother.And let him see the kids every other weekend and split holidays.

check out www.prepaidlegal.com/info/hardy_m
or malikahardy.com

A.,
First of all I want to say that I am aslso a single mom of two beautiful kids and I would do anythimg for them...I feel for you.
Have you gone through the court system? Tell the judge about what this woman does and that you only want the kids around their dad and not her, I'm sure that could be done.
If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me.

L.

As a divorcee (remarried) and dad this one got to me. I too would not want my kids near a woman that hates me, if I were you. It seems that your husband is a loving man who still cares for you and your well being. I am assuming you've had the conversation with him about the negative influence his new g/f may have on the babies; reiterate your concern and take the high road when talking about her. Eventually she'll either come around or she'll end up gone (kill her with kindness). My family had the same type situation with my current wife - they all hated her, but we stayed together and they all (except the ex-wife) have grown to love her.

JE

I agree with everyone thus far! Get an attorney ASAP! Make sure to get one with a specialty in family court. Get everything in writing with your ex and that way no one can flake out.

Hi A.,

First of all, it is admirable of your ex-husband to want to be with his kids everyday. However, you have labeled him as "a nice person." And I have to ask you, how nice of guy is he if went out and cheated on you and wrecked your family? Yes, this other woman may be vicious and jealous but your ex is still with her! He has clearly chosen who he wants to be with. It is unfortunate that you and your children are having to go with this ordeal. But you don't have to through this alone. Get as much support as you can get from family, friends, support groups and church. And don't forget to hire a lawyer to help you with legal and custody issues. Best of luck to you.

M.

No, you do not feel the wrong way. It might be worth it to talk to your lawyer because your husband can't take your kid around people your not comfortable with if you have a good reason...and if he isn't married to her the court will not make an exception usually. I think you should keep a log of the harassing phone calls she makes to you and take pictures of the caller Id when she calls you...so that you have proof of your reason for not wanting your children around her...recording the calls is also a great idea. I think your husband should be more respectful to your needs. Is your divorce final? What type of custody arrangements do you have? I would allow my husband to take them to spend time with him, but I would make it clear to him that I did not want them around her.

When my ex husband was living with a woman, in Crowley and I lived here in Shreveport, the judge said that he had to come all the way here to visit. That there could not be any over night visits to his home until they were married. I would speak to an attorney or the DA as soon as possible so that the children are not denied the right to see their dad. Also you and you ex as well as the other woman will have to work this out for the sake of the children as they are to young to understand at the moment. I agree that I would not want my children around her, but unless she has harmed you or the children you may be stuck with her. I would also keep a record of all the times she has called and what was said. Whether pen and paper or a recorder. Good luck and God Bless.

Carol A. said it all. I agree with her 100%

Dear A.:
In short, your ex-husband has a right to see his kids (assuming you have shared custody), usually overnight, too. That woman has no rights, but as his new girlfriend she will be around them when he has them.

About her calling you, find out about stalking and harrassment laws. She'll have to stop that. You will need a lawyer.

You did not specify the custody arrangements, but I would not let him see the kids every day. His coming over at will destroys your life, and it may confuse the kids to see mom and dad every day, yet there's another woman. Stick to the schedule a bit more, even if it means that you don't see them for a few days. If you become too dependent on your kids, you won't live a healthy life yourself. I am in a somewhat similar situation, and I tell myself that I have to maintain my own health and sanity, or I can't be a good dad to my son. And that includes some private adult time (happy hour, R-rated movie, etc.)

Regards,
W.

Hi A.,

I'm N. and I'm going through a divorce as well. Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have 3 children ages: 2 boys ages 8 and 5 and 1 girl who is 2. I have always allowed my ex to take our kids to his apartment, but when I was told (by my kids) that the girlfriend is there everytime, I wanted to die. I was just like you and I would always go crazy. I still hate that he chooses to be with the person he's with, but I'm so tired of letting this situation beat me up it's ridiculous. The thing I'm learning is that no matter how many "fits" we throw, those evil ones will continue what they're doing. They're even happier in our misery. The best thing I've learned is to let him go. The more I learn to let go of him, the better I can cope with the situation as a whole. It doesn't hurt as bad to hear the kids talk about their father and this new woman. Another thing that brings me comfort is knowing that this woman hates me because she wants to be so much like me. She envies me so much till she wants to lead my life...she wants everything I have. Now really when I look at it, that's really sick on her part...so I can smile a little. Stop giving your ex and his partner so much of your energy. And remember, what goes around comes back around :) God bless you. And if you'd ever like to talk, feel free to contact me anytime at ###-###-####.

Honey You are ABSOLUTELY 100% right!!! I am going to give you a little advise- Get a GOOD lawyer and buy a tape recorder and a phone recorder. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!!!! Every phone call, every visit, every missed visit, everything!! Put it in a note book, keep it with you at all times, I hate to say it but it is probably going to get worse before it gets better!! Just know that eventually it WILL GET BETTER!! I have been through this with my father and his ex. She is CRAZY. They have a 3yr old daughter and they are going to court next month. The only recourse my dad has is that is has everything documented to the T!!!!I know how hard this is for you so if you every need to talk, please do not hesitate to contact me. My email address is ____@____.com!!! Good Luck and Have Faith!!
Your Friend, C.

I can totally feel you girl...my mother-in-law hates me and always wants my 5 yr old to spend the night with her 70 miles away. The very prospect makes me want to hurl. No one wants the people they love the most to be around the people who hate them the most....who knows what they would say to them about you. When my son was little he would cry when his Nana would bring him back home and you could see that she was just elated inside because for a brief moment she thought he liked her better.

Who has custody of the children? Is is sole custody with you or joint custody? If you have sole custody he does not have the right to come and get them whenever he wants. If you have been a good mother and you have no skeletons in the closet you should file for sole custody and possibly supervised visits at his house unless he drops that witch. I would also suggest you change your phone number and tell your ex to call you from work so she can't press redial or see caller I.D.

Just say "no" and tell that woman off...get a restraining order on her if you need to, but she needs to stay out of your affairs.

A.,

First of all my heart goes out to you with this situation. For the record, I personally feel that it's okay for your children to be your life. I can tell by that statement alone that you are a GREAT mom. I think you should speak with your lawyer about this. There have to be some rules and guidelines about it, and if the court knows that this other woman isn't really a good example for the kids, maybe that would be enough so that they won't allow them to go over there. Some of the comments made on here seem harsh. I wish people had more sense than that. You are already confused and hurting. I don't think you are "wrong" to feel the way you do, I just don't know the legalities. That's why you need to discuss this with a lawyer. Stay strong. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

A., if I had your situation in order to protect my children, I would talk to an attorney before it got any worse. Your children are too young and impressionable to be in a battle such as this. I don't blame you for getting upset. I doubt if he is just coming to see the kids. Try to stay calm around him or her so they won't have anything bad to tell about you.

You seem relatively level headed. With that in mind you will be able to find the right solution within yourself. I understand the need for children and more importantly, the safety of them.

This next thing may sound so 'left field' but it will help you with where you are and where you will be. Pick up the book "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. You may find yourself able to handle things even better as you move through this traumatic event.

Keep your head up and give thanks for the many things you have going for you through all this because it could be much worse. But with your sense of self and rising above this it will get much better. Try that book. It has helped many people including me. Best wishes.

A., you are in my prayers. I have been thru it. I understand exactly what you are talking about: pain, worry, and going crazy. I do not give out advise freely but I will tell you what I did. PRAY and read the Bible daily. God was my strength. He always had a plan. God answered my prayers restored my marriage and also blessed me with a beautiful little girl. I won't say it was easy, but it was worth it to keep my family together. That was 11 years ago and we are still going strong. From what you said I blame the girlfriend 1)She dated a married man 2)She broke up your marriage 3)If she hates you, your children will know and feel the tension.
Have you talked to your ex and told him how you feel about the kids and that you think that it would be in the best interest of the kids to not talk them into an hostile environment? A., I will be praying that God will guide you and direct your path. Rely on friends to cry on their shoulders but many people are free with advice, but they do not have to live with the consequences. I read several other letters on this page and there are many good suggestions. Follow you heart.
God Bless You!