Out of Control 16-Year-Old

Updated on June 16, 2013
T.S. asks from Chino, CA
19 answers

My husband and I are desperate. Our 16-year old is completely our of control, putting herself in very risky situations. She is drinking, smoking pot, sneaking out all the time, angry, disrespectful, no respect for authority. Her grades have gone from B's and C's to All F's. We have had her in therapy for over two years, she has ADD and she is on medication for anxiety. We have looked into boot camps, but they are seriously out of our reach. Can anyone suggest organizations or inexpensive programs that would help us get our daughter back in the right path? If she continues the way she is going, I don't know what will become of her. PLEASE can someone give us some advise? Thank you and God bless.

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So What Happened?

We’ve made an appointment for a new therapist on Monday, a chemical dependency therapist who specializes in teens. My daughter is a very strong-headed individual, has been from the minute she took her first breath. She has been in ballet, martial arts, dance programs, she has been raised as a Catholic with baptism, confirmation, and first communion. Up until recently we gave her all that we could, phone, a lap top for school, she even grew up being a Girl Scout. We have been very soft as a parents, and quite inconsistent I’ll confess, and although I think that has been a problem, we have two other kids (14 and 12) that are doing great in school and have absolutely no behavioral problems. Looking in the mirror of our family dynamics, she is always the one causing such chaos, so much so I feel guilty not giving even one-third of the attention to the other kids, because we are always so occupied with the 16-year-old. We have stripped her of all her privileges, but that does not seem to affect her. Military school I have not looked into, but I will try ANYTHING. We tried the Young Marines, but they were full and that’s not available for us until next year. I will look into Alanon for her as well. Thank you all for all the suggestions. Reading your posts with tears in my eyes, I greatly appreciate all of your input. Please, please pray for us, that we get through this phase of rebellious years in one piece. Thanks again everyone and God bless.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Lots of great suggestions below. Another thing to consider is Martial Arts. Putting her into Tae Kwon Do may be very helpful, as discipline and respect are required in the studio. It may also give her an outlet for some of her aggression and draw her focus to something besides drugs and alcohol. Doesn't have to be Tae Kwon Do either - pretty much any martial art will have the same effect.

I also agree that she may need a new therapist, or you might need to do some family therapy sessions to get to the root of some of the problems.

3 moms found this helpful
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O.O.

answers from Kansas City on

If she's drug/alcohol addicted, left untreated, I can tell you what will become of her: jails, institutions or death. Could be this year, next year, or 20 years from now.
Go to Alanon.
Call the police on her.
Tough love.
Time to end this.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

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M.R.

answers from Seattle on

What is going on in her home life to make her choose such irresponsible behavior?

Have you tried, I mean, really tried, Tough Love? If your therapist has not recommended it, get a new therapist.

3 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

If you have insurance, perhaps you can entrust your doctor to recommend a mental health clinic. She sounds angry and defiant but she could also have been affected by her drinking and smoking pot which can at times bring on states of actual physical/chemical depression, anxiety, mood disorders, etc which were perhaps dormant but stimulated by the use of these things. Those happily can also be helped by meds and some followup therapy. I am only speculating. Hormones are so out of whack at that age, peer influence and the insecurity that comes along with that are factors also. While a boot camp is seriously out of reach and you may not have insurance, there are churches, free organizations for families and parents, there are groups like AlAnon, and a host of others right there in your own community. Sadly it takes lots of legwork sometimes. If you attend a church they should have lists of some of these places and you can speak to an entrusted person there. Or call a hospital and ask for these groups. There are anonymous hotlines. While she is herself out of control and wreaking havoc, you too need some good old mental health nourishment, take advantage of these for your own needs. She is old enough to make good choices and you have tried very hard to instill them in her. You have to pat yourself on the back, take some deep breaths and remember your own health is important.

3 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

T.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Sorry - if you have had her in therapy for 2 years and nothing has changed? you need a new therapist.

Next time you see her drinking? Call the police and have her arrested. Get her in Juvi.

Try getting her in the Beyond Scared Straight program. The programs you have checked into? If she gets arrested - the state may pay for it.

Good luck!

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M.!.

answers from Phoenix on

Have you looked into a new therapist or psychiatrist? Have you considered boarding school? Or in patient treatment? As you know, your daughter in on a crash course of self distraction. You can't afford to wait any longer, you need to take serious action now, because it doesn't sound like the things you've been doing are working. You any all resources available before its too late. God Bless you

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N.F.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi, I also haven't had the chance to read your other responses, but just wanted to first tell you that I'm so sorry you're having to go through this :(
My younger brother was an enormous cross to bear for my parents and I often felt neglected and resentful because they spent so much time dealing with him. They also, for a variety of reasons, had been VERY soft and inconsistent with my brother (though ironically they were VERY strict with me). I think that unfortunately my brother learned to manipulate my parents from a very young age and it just continued and worsened into the teen years. Your daughter may be trying to do something similar. She may feel that if she can exhaust you or scare you enough with her behavior it will mean that she can ultimately do what she wants. I would just like to offer the perspective of the siblings who also have to endure this and tell you to try not to forget about giving them extra attention too.
I also would consider trying to find out if your daughter was sexually attacked or abused by someone? I'm sorry to bring it up, but since you mentioned that her grades dropped and all the erratic, defiant behavior that ensued it is,sadly, a possibility.
More than anything (and I know this is easy for me to say since it's not my child) I would caution you to bail her out of any bad situation or natural consequence that may happen to her. When a person always has someone available to pick up the pieces or rescue them from their own destructive behavior they really don't have any incentive to straighten out their lives. And I think the more that you try to help her the more she will come to rely on people bailing her our of stuff. I am of course NOT suggesting you abandon all sense of help for her, I just mean that at some point you will have to get really tough with her and say that while you love her more than anything you can't let her unhealthy behavior destroy your whole family. Anyway, I sure am sorry. It's so tough to have to go through something like this. You're in my prayers :) Hang in there Mama, this too shall pass.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...
This is a good article on Teenagers, by the National Geographic Magazine.

I hope she goes to a OB/GYN, and is on birth control or knows about it and protects herself etc. and that she fully knows about STD's/sexually transmitted diseases etc. And knows that you can still get STD's if you are on the pill. It is only protection against pregnancy.

And, what the heck is her Therapist doing? Her therapy does not seem to help?
So get another Therapist or a Psychiatrist. Only a Psychiatrist can prescribe meds.

And, what is your or your Husband's "relationship" with her, like? Do you have a rapport with her? You all obviously do not get along.
A kid no matter what age, needs at least ONE parent, they can trust and go to for any problems, good or bad.
If not, they have no one, at home... to depend, on, nor talk to. About their life.

Get her re-evaluated.
By a Professional.
GET her, re-evaluated.

And, the next time she sneaks out of the house, and/or is missing... maybe call the Cops?
What is the age laws in your State?
Who are her friends? Do you know that?
Does she get into trouble at school too?
What are her problems at school or with friends?
Do you know, about her life?
Probably not, because there is no relationship at home, with her parents???? And she is hard to reach....
So, get another professional to re-evaluate her, and/or put her into a program. And yes, this will cost money. But if you want to really help her from self-destructing and improving the family life, then you MUST spend the money to do so.

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B.Z.

answers from Minneapolis on

Why is she doing this? Does she have a job? Hobbies? Play sports? I know when my kids were that age (in particular my girls) a job was the best thing for them. They have way to much time on their hands if they don't have something productive to do. It's going to be impossible to make her do anything but you can hold her to a much higher standard. How is she getting money for drinking, etc. You must be tough with her and I don't mean you have to be nasty, just very, very firm on what you expect. Take away most everything she owns and give it back if she earns it. I know it all sounds easy and is really very hard but this is your kid and I have seen many of my children's friends whose parents gave up and it's not a good thing for those kids. Be Strong!!!

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L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

My threat to my children was always military school. Whether I could afford something or not, if it was in their best interest - especially if they got to the point that your daughter is at - I would find a way.
I have a friend whose son decided he was going to stop studying and do as he pleased. His parents gave him one warning - shape up or you'll be going to military school. He thought they would waffle when it came down to it. The Monday after thanksgiving, he was getting his head shaved. It was the best thing they did for him.
I have a feeling that your daughter has lost her respect for you because you are not consistent. You need to figure out the consequences for her not shaping up. You need to get your ducks in a row. You need to present a united front.
Hope it works out.

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C.P.

answers from Houston on

I would contact NAMi-National Alliance on Mental Health. They have a lot of resources for your whole family. Hang in there. Prayers sent to you and your family!

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

She is a minor you can sign her into a mental health facility. Talk to her therapist and find a place to send her. She needs in-patient treatment and detox.

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W..

answers from Chicago on

Can you provide WHY she is acting out? Do you know? What does her therapist say?

If she gets busted for drugs you might have some additional resources as she'll be "in the system" and will have some programs mandated by a judge.

Also you've looked at "boot camps", but have you looked at in-patient treatment centers? Those (either for drugs or anxiety) are usually partially covered by insurance.

1 mom found this helpful

A.B.

answers from St. Louis on

Not only your daughter but also you, as her parents, need a lot of help, support and counseling. It is very important to find out why she has become out of control, she is 16 yo already. There are many factors that contribute to the problem, and one starts at home. It is never too late, but at this point you will need professional help, and start from there. I wish you the best.
A. :)

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D.D.

answers from New York on

Have you contacted the school guidance for assistance on this? They may be able to point you to resources you don't know about. How about contacting your city's human services department? My youngest daughter is interning for a neighboring town providing counseling as part of her master's degree requirements. A quick google search provided this service in your city. http://www.cityofchino.org/index.aspx?page=172

Give them a call and get help. You can't do this on your own. Get the help and resources you need.

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A.R.

answers from Dallas on

Look into a program called Young Marines. It's used by the courts for juvenile offenders but is also open to any youth. Teaches discipline, respect (for self & others) and I've heard wonderful things about it.

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G.R.

answers from San Diego on

I have not had time to read all the other post do this might be a repeat but you need to put her in rehab. I don't have time this minute to go into details but I am a counselor and work with young adults so I am privy to alot of information. She needs to go and it may or may not work the first time. Hopefully it will. I'll keep u in my thoughts. Please look into rehab at least a month long stay.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

You got lots of suggestions already, so I am just going to add that I have seen many girls go though some really nasty times at sixteen, who have now almost completely outgrown it by 20 or 21. As long as she does not get heavily involved in serious drugs, maturity will probably go a long way towards fixing most of her current issues.

But in the meantime, it's hell.

S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Looks like you have a lot of good ideas. For a local option, check out the West End SELPA in Rancho Cucamonga. They offer parenting classes twice a year. I believe the next one won't start until the fall. You'll have plenty of things to work on between now and then, but the parenting class can offer you step-by-step guidance on how to handle specific situations, and you'll have the support of other parents. My computer is about to die, so I can't look up the website, but it's a part of SB County Superintendent of Schools.

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