Need Advice: Sister Didn't Call for 3 Months After Delivering Baby

I didn't read any other responses, but my 1st thought was ... Did you call her? Or were you waiting on her to call you? If I don't hear from my sister I call her and ask her whats up! lol

Meredith is right on....

You don't know until you have a baby. When she does have a baby someday.. be there for her.

Why not just call her and ask her about it? I know it's a really weird way to act and I'm not justifying her behavior at all, but now you are acting a bit like a martyr. Telephone lines go both ways and while it's usually the other person who calls the new mom, you could have also called her and invited her over.

I know this is going way, way in another direction and it's just a thought, so please don't get upset about this. Is it at all possible she could have maybe had an abortion at some time in her life and now regrets it and seeing a baby of a close family member was just too hard to accept what she now doesn't have? It's just a thought.

She doesn't have kids, and she doesn't get what a big deal it was for you. You probably didn't understand what your friends went through having a new baby before you had yours, and neither did she.

Is it possible that because of her feelings about her own life she just couldn't share in your joy and didn't want to "bring you down". My sister has a really hard time being happy for other people because she just isn't happy herself. If she isn't at a place in her life where she can be happy for you (not because she doesn't love you but because she isn't happy within herself) it might have felt to her like she was doing the right thing by not contacting you. I know it hurt you, but maybe her intentions weren't bad. Try to love her through it and help her find joy in her sweet little nephew. Someday she will probably talk to you about it, but maybe she isn't ready yet.
I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. Hang in there.

I'm going to give you a different point of view. Some have already done so but I want to throw it out there again to show those that are saying she is selfish and so that maybe more thought need to go into their replies.
I had my first son no problems,got pregnant,easy pregnancy and easy delivery. Our second son took over 4 yrs to get pregnant with. It was gut wrenching to hear of friends and family adding to their families while my husband and I couldn't seem to add to ours. I cried every time a family member announced a pregnancy. I didn't let anyone besides my husband see those tears. I would congratulate the happy expecting couple and then hide out at home to cry. I avoided baby sections in stores and avoided babies if I could without seeming rude.
So while your feelings are hurt and I'm not saying they shouldn't be but maybe step back a second and consider your sister might have had her own very valid reasons for not calling. It might not be infertility but it could be like it has been pointed out that she was upset about her own life. She could have easily been trying to protect your happy new mommy bubble.
Sometimes it is very hard to enjoy something for someone else when one wants it.

I agree that you really don't 'get' a lot of things about having a baby until you have one--however, that doesn't excuse her not congratulating/calling you/checking on you. She's your sister for God's sake.

That piece is a no brainer-someone close to you has a baby you call them/visit them are excited for them.

I would ask her about it-not in a confrontational way just in the "help me understand-cuz my feelings were hurt' way. Maybe once you hear her explanation you'll be ok w it and get it and conversely she'll get that she hurt you and see your side too.

I think you should talk to her. Despite her being envious of you or unhappy in her own life, she should've been bigger than herself & contacted you when you had your baby. There's no excuse for it, it's very selfish & hurtful behavior. I dislike when people take a big event that is not about them & somehow make it all about them.

Obviously, she may not cop to the fact that she's jealous, etc., as no one really wants to admit when they are feeling that way. Just tell her that her lack of communication/response after the baby was born really hurt you & made it seem like she didn't care. Ask her why she didn't call & ask her if she's okay.

If you're as close as you say you are, then she should respond in a positive way. She's making it a competition, when that's not how it should be.

I know after one of my friends had a baby (this was almost 15 years ago), I didn't know how to react. Every time I called her she it was all "baby, baby, baby" or was busy with the baby and would say she'd call me later but never did. I was single, working full time, and childless - I didn't want to hear about the baby 24/7. I also had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she was no longer that party person I knew. We drifted apart and haven't spoken since.

I don't think you want that to happen with your sister.

Sometimes when we want a relationship with our siblings, we have to be the ones that do all of the reaching out.

Forgive her in your heart and move on. Call her, text her, ask her about her day and hope that she asks you about yours.

Good luck!

"Hey sis! Where were you the first three months of my kids life? We missed you!"
When my son was a newborn we had a horrible car accident that left my boy on life support and in our local Children's hospital for 2 months. My brother (1 1/2 years younger than me) did not come to the hospital until the last week that we were there. My other three brothers, all younger, came to the hospital various times. My feelings were REALLY hurt that my brother did not come! Especially since we did not know if my baby was going to live! (he did, he is fabulous, no long term issues)
So, when he finally did...I asked him "where were you?" He said that he just couldn't handle it. Couldn't see me crying, couldn't see my son struggling to breath, couldn't see all the tubes...it was just too much for him. While *I* would never do that, I understand where he is coming from.
While my situation is a bit different, your sister may just not have been able to handle her little sister married with a child...especially if that is something that she really desires.
Ask her, gently. And then realise that you may not agree with her answer, but that is HER answer.
L.

You are both in different places in your lives right now.
Mom's get very devoted and attached to their pregnancies and babies and can't imagine why others (even family members) may not be excited by all the gory details.
Cut her some slack.
She might feel very differently when she has her own family or maybe she feels these things are too private and intimate to share.

Maybe it is because she doesn't have a baby and doesn't get it.

When my sister had her babies I did call but I didn't make a big fuss over it. The kids' first birthdays were the same. I mean, I sent a card and a gift but that's it.

Then I had my kids. And realized just how clueless I was. Maybe in addition to being hurt she's clueless, too?

Wow - your sister is very insecure. This is her problem that has become yours becuase you feel so hurt. I can completely understand that you feel hurt - anyone would. Your sister must feel very insecure that she hasn't reached these accomplishments of marriage and motherhood and probably as time went by it got more and more difficult.

You were a good sister to ceventually call her. NExt time you see her when you're alone tell her that you felt hurt when you didn't hear from her - do not make her feel defensive. I'd say something like "I'm so glad that you're here - I felt so sad when I didn't hear from you for weeks (forget the months you both know how much time it was...) and I'm so glad that you're not mad at me and that baby Emma will be able to know you and love you like I do. I hope everything's OK with us." She may explain herself and she may not.

Realize that she must feel really bad about herself to forfeit such an amazing time in your life. You have the things in life that she wants and doesn't have. Not sure if your sister has ever suffered with depression or other mental health issues - but she probably has, although not diagnosed. You did the right thing. And hopefully just knowing that she was in some kind of emotional paralysis will help you understand her and forgive her. Understanding the underlying emotion that drove your sister to ignore this major life event will help you to not be bitter. always err on the side of understanding if you can - and it sounds like you've taken a healthy approach. Keep doing it.

I am going to have to disagree with the first two responders... Unless she has never watched tv - where a woman is in labor - she has to have SOME type of indication that it is a big deal to have a baby! Yes, the degree of just how much it changes your life, she may not realize, but yes that it is a big deal. 

I am not sure that you will be able to move past it unless you speak to her about it. You will likely be surprised at her response... an I bet it is something she will be happy to have off her chest as well. Just do it in person, and when you are in a 'good place'. This is your sister and she will be in your life forever! You will be glad that you worked through this, I promise you.

Best of luck!

Meredith nailed it.
O. day she will regret the cavalier way she treated the event of the birth of your child.

I think there's more to this sister relationship than just what is written.

Maybe she didn't want to disturb you?? I don't keep tabs with my sisters as who calls who, who returns whose phone calls fastest, if ever at all...sometimes we send pics, sometimes we don't...we are all soooo busy...

I am sorry you are so hurt by her silence. And perhaps that is the best thing to say to her. Be honest and forthright. Having a baby has been life changing for you and you wish you could share more of it with her.

I hope she is not jealous like you mention. Just because she is older by a couple of years does not give her rights to being a mother first. That sounds rather absurd.

Call her with an open heart and see where it goes. Let her describe what she was thinking and feeling. This is probably easier to move past than you both imagine it to be.

I'm so sorry as I understand wanting to have those you love be there for you. She likely felt weird, in her own self-pity, for not being where you are - as time went on she likely thought it was 'too late' and felt awkward calling - the more and more time went on she realized how weird it would be to call then as it had been so long....
Before having children I didn't know 'the big deal' and how life changing things were, etc. I now know and my attitude is completely changed from what it's like to experience someone's baby shower, to get a call or visit after the birth, to just talk to someone about the struggles and excitements you have that you didn't know you'd have.........Anyway - I suggest you just do the awkward talk and tell her you were hurt, ask why she didn't call and hopefully any resentment/bitterness will fade.

What did she have to be ready about? You were pregnant for a long time you didn't just give birth over night so I would think she would have had all that time to come to terms with it. She sounds very immature. My BIL is a childish jerk and when we found out I was prego he wouldn't talk to me for a couple months,he probably thought I ruined his brothers life at the time we weren't married and didn't live together(until he announced his girlfriend was suprisinglly prego too), then we got married a couple years later and I got prego with my secound child and he didn't call my husband or come see the baby for 2 months and then stopped by for 5 minutes on their way to get dinner. My husband relationship with his brother hasn't been the same since. Your sister needs to appologize and I think you need to find out exactly why she was "upset" and "not ready to talk to you" you didn't do anything wrong you had a baby for cying out loud. You just have to forgive her. Every morning say I forgive --- for hurting me. Keep doing that until you actually do. That helps me anyway. It will eat you alive if you hold a grudge.

What you don't mention is how often y'all talked before you had the baby. If you only talked every couple of months or so then I would think it was normal that she didn't call. But if you talked often and had a fairly close relationship then I would just ask your sister why she didn't call. Maybe because she doesn't have kids she didn't realize how important it was to you that she call. Or maybe she had some personal issues going on and felt it would be better to not call so she didn't unload issues on you when you had a new baby to focus on. Or maybe it was something else, the list of possible reasons is endless.

Just tell your sister your feelings are a little hurt and ask her what's up with not calling.

Well, your sister STILL has not said to ANYONE... why she was "AWOL" for 3 months, after you had your baby.
All she said was she was "upset" and "wasn't ready" to talk to you.
That is NOT a 'reason.'

So, there is no conclusion to this nor the real reason, why.
She is being so obtuse about it all. And self-wound up.

All I know is: when I got married, (the first one to get married among my friends), one of my 'best' friends... then was not my friend anymore. Then especially when, I had my 1st baby. She was still... unmarried, no potential boyfriend in sight, and no baby, herself. Once I had my 1st child, THEN she really just fell off the face of the planet. Totally grew apart.

But your sister... is your sister. Thus, she can't really just leave you. You are family. You are joined by blood and relations/family.

Personally, when I got married as well, one of my sisters, totally flipped out. Meaning, it turned HER life upside-down. And she acted all jealous and toxic and just so prickly at me. But I did nothing wrong. I just got married. She didn't like that... one bit. As my late Dad said: she didn't have me, anymore. Nor did my attentions, go to ALL her anymore. And, I now had different, priorities. One day she did actually tell me, that she was very jealous of me. And totally resented me for it. But my response is: well then do NOT make MY life, miserable with your inability to be civil. Don't rain... on my Husband either.

Anyway, rites of passage and life's adult Milestone's... can really tweak some people and make them and their lives upside-down. They are self-evolving or not, per how their siblings/BFF's, change throughout life.

Some people just dont think its a big deal. My husbands brother had twins 2 years ago... we went to see them when they were a few weeks old. Fast foward to when i had twins 9 1/2months ago...still havent recived a call, text, email or card from husbands brother & his wife. At first i was hurt about it, than I let it go. If they dont feel like they want to be part of their neice & nephew's lives than they wont be. The kids are the ones who lose out ( espically since they are twin cousins) but its not worth being upset about.

First, take a deep breath, release and then let go of all that anger and frustration. Phew! feel better? ok maybe not yet but try to remember that you also just had a baby and it might be possible you are viewing too critically. Your sister is a different person than you. There may have been other reasons that she did not contact, reasons that had nothing to do with you. As a new mom I'm sure I don't have to remind you of how crazy and different your life is. Some people handle that challenge differently than others. I'm sure your sister loves you very much and now that you both have something in common as moms and adults, you will have a much different relationship than you did 2 years ago. We all need reminding of the people in our lives that love and nourish our lives and souls. Maybe you can be the bigger person and let go of somthing that your sister probably has no idea she has done to make you feel hurt by her.

Yes that was rude, but at the same time, would you have wanted her to be bitter in person while holding your little bundle of joy? At least she was considerate enough to not burst your new mommy bubble.

I have been married for 13y, have 2 kids. My twin is not married, has no kids. The thing that I found helped the jealousy was letting her be around my kids, at her timing. I let her babysit for an hour. She was frazzeled when I got back.
I also took her on a shopping trip. Went to 3 stores. Had to keep getting in/out of the car, she was getting impatient at how long it was taking just to get out of the car. We bought diapers, clothes, wipes, etc. She freaked at the total. How much? Baby had a tantrum while we were out. She couldn't handle it. She has since decided that even when she gets married, that she won't be having kids. She' not mom material. However, she does buy things for them at will.

I know you are very hurt right now, and I would be as well. But the truth is, you don't actually know why she wasn't there for you. Your parents have speculated, and maybe they're right. But they could be mistaken. At any rate, something is going on in your sister's life right now, and for the time being you'll just need to accept that.

It might be that she's jealous, it might be that she has no idea what it's like, it might be something else entirely. Regardless, she isn't able to talk about it right now. I think your best bet is to assume she's doing the best she can. Talk to her, laugh with her, be her sister in every way she can, but let her talk about this when she's ready.

I was completely clueless when my sister had her kids. I now have two of my own, and I can't tell you the number of times I have said to her, "I am so sorry I wasn't more supportive or understanding. I just had no idea." She always says it's no big deal and she understood that. I still think it makes her feel better to hear me and our brother's wife admit that there were probably many times that we were insensitive to what she was going through.

If you want to be happy, I think your best bet is to try and let it go. Enjoy your baby and all the attention the rest of the family is giving you and the baby. Be happy for everything that she is able to give you, and wait for her to be ready to talk to you about it.

Did you call her when you had the baby? I don't know the ins and outs of your family's "dynamic"... but maybe she thought that if you needed her, you would call... and since she was feeling -discontented- about you having the baby she didn't want to call and ruin things for you!

I struggle with my relationship with my half sister... granted we did not grow up together- she has always lived with her mother. She is 5 years younger than me. She was a part of my wedding, and for a while I tried to develop a relationship with her. I took her out to lunch, invited her over to our house, invited her to go out to the movies, took her shopping. I always got the "feeling" that she didn't really enjoy having me around much, and I was trying to force a relationship that wasn't "mutual".

So I stopped. When my daughter was born... I struggled with whether to tell her/call her about her birth, and I CHOSE not to. First off.. since we share my father, I know she knows... but I felt that IF I called her she might feel obligated to come see the baby, get a gift or whatnot, and I didn't want to put her in a situation where she was forced to have a relationship with me that she didn't really want. I really hope she doesn't think I don't "want" to be her sister, or be involved in her life.... I just don't want to intrude.

Now, I honestly don't think that she DISlikes me as a person... our family is complicated. She is born from an affair her mother had with my father, when my parents were married while raising me. Although I think my sister is a wonderful person... if we see each-other in public it can be awkward to explain "who we are" (how we are related) if there are friends around who don't know the situation.... and frankly, she is a teenager and doesn't need any more drama in her life- I would imagine.

My point is really... that people do odd things for odd reasons. Try not to be bitter towards your sister... she could be trying to do whatever she feels is kindest... by stepping away and letting you enjoy your baby. Would you rather her unload her less than pleasant feelings on you when you are going through a hugely life changing and happy experience? I am sure she IS happy for you, and will come around...

Good Luck!
-M.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is forgive someone even when they haven't asked for it. Can you forgive her? Talk to her. Tell her how it made you feel. Don't try to "act normal" if it is bothering you. Don't let this fester and cause a wedge between you. I am speaking from experience. It was the same situation but it was a dear friend who couldn't have children. We haven't spoken for a couple years now. I didn't really understand why until recently and when I read your question, I got really emotional. So, I say do whatever it takes. I will try to do the same. :)