Dealing with Jealousy

Hi M.,

I am a single, working mom and have been since 1991. I learned a long time ago, (1995), that I am in charge of my life. If it is to be, it's up to me! The most important aspect of taking charge of your life is knowing that being happy is up to you. It's very simple, just choose to be happy, no matter what the circumstances are. Wake up each day and make a conscious decision to be happy. This will have a lasting, positive effect on your daughters! Start a gratitude journal and spend some time at the beginning or end of each day and jot down what you are thankful for. (example: Your parents, for being there to help you out...not everyone has that).

Let's address the jealousy issue, having feelings of jealousy are keeping you from being happy. Forget about your sister for a minute, your jealous feelings are affecting YOU in a negative way, they prevent you from being productive in your daily activities. They also prevent you from being in the moment and feeling truly happy when you play with your kids. You said it yourself, "It hurts to even think I am acting this way." So...don't act that way, if at first you have to make believe you are not jealous...DO IT! Make it up that you are completely happy for your sister, even if that's not how you feel inside, pretty soon you will find that you truly are happy for her, outside and in! If having jealous feelings was productive for you, (i.e., having jealous feelings was a way for you to purchase your own home or help your children heal), I would be the first one to say...Go ahead feel jealous! The truth is that those jealous feelings are really only hurting you. It sounds like you have a close relationship with your sister and my guess is that she understands and is probably not upset with you, but feels badly for you. You don't want people to look at you and say, "Poor M., she really has it rough." You want people to look at you and say, "Wow, I don't know how she does it, she's amazing. I would absolutely crumble if everything that's happened to M. happened to me, but not M., she just seems happy to be alive and with her children."

I have done this in my own life, I didn't have feelings of jealousy, but I did have a victim mentality. "If only I hadn't married that jerk." Well, it did me absolutely no good to go into woulda, coulda, shoulda mode. The fact is I did marry that jerk and nothing was going to change that fact of my life. Once I learned that I could simply choose to be happy and understand that he is who he is, I can't change him, I can only change me. I did just that...I changed me, I stopped reacting negatively to my situation and made the decision to be happy. Putting on a good front at first, but very quickly my happy front became who I really am.

Wishing you happy thoughts and a happy life!

J. Penfield
www.teamwahu.com
###-###-####

I really think I would feel exactly the same way- and feel the same way you do about feeling that way. I think it is great that you have e-mailed her and she should understand. It is only natural to feel that way. I have a very good friend that gets jealous of a lot of different things and she has yet to acknowledge that she is jealous of things. She has always had a weight problem and when one of our friends lost 100 lbs her response was "oh I am not that impressed" as our friend was wearing her size 4 pants. For God's sake, even I could admit I was jealous of that! So you are already leaps ahead of those that don't admit that they are jealous!!! And you know why you feel this way, which is another huge step. It may sound crazy but do you have the book "oh the places you'll go" It talks about times like this when we fall in slumps and how hard it is to get out of them- that it is very hard. Your life will get back on track and when it does your children will have that to look back on with pride of how great their Mom is! Hugs to you as you go through this!!!

Hi M.! Sounds like you're going through a lot for one person but please believe even in the worst of things comes something good. There are blessings in the strangest of things. I don't think you are jealous you are just going thru some changes. You need to allow yourself to feel I mean really feel what's happening in your life. The happines the pain the anger or whatever it is you feel. Accept that you can't always change things that happen or things that people do but you can do something about the way you react and how you let it affect you. Be positive give and receive love and decide to start everyday on a bright note. I think its ok to be happy for your sister your best friend but you don't have to be involved in every detail. This is not an attack on her personally and really has nothing to do with her at all. Maybe you just need time to deal with your own issues and heal have some alone time. Maybe you and your sister can just hang out and have some girl time without all the fuss. Times are hard for you now but they wont be always its ok to cry if you need to but then don't wollow in it get up jump around do something wierd/fun hug your kids. Remind yourself that you are worth the effort. You said you want to get your life back on track and you will you have everything you need within yourself. It's not about "things" having or not having it's more about that little voice inside that nags you to do better. I'm learning more everyday about myself and how my reactions make a big difference in my own little world. So chose to have a good day. Sorry I'm long winded but I just felt like this is what I'm supposed to tell you. Good luck and be blessed!

You have been through quite a bit in the past year and I think how you feel is more than jealousy about your sister. It sounds like you have a bit of depression, which is completely understandable given your situation. You may benefit from talking to your physician about options or names of people you could talk with about your situation.

I had a bit of depression (after never having any issues with it at all) after my daughter was born and in looking back I see how it manifested itself in my relationships with others.
I started talking to a counselor and now feeling back to my old self.

Something to consider...Good luck and it's good you're reaching out to others. It's the first step to feeling better.

I think jealousy is our body's way of making us aware of what it is we want in life. So instead of letting it eat you up inside, ask yourself what can I do about it. Even though it might take you a little bit longer to acheive your goals because of your situation, it might just make it that much more rewarding when it does happen. So start taking baby steps and look at everything you have to be thankful for. There are always people in life who will have it better than you, and there will always be people who are worse off. So instead of comparing yourself to those who have it better, look at the people who have it worse. For instance be grateful that you have family to stay with, some women have to go to shelters. Be happy you have a job. Be happy your kids made it through their surgeries, and are with you today. My point is it could always be worse. As far as your sister goes, try to be happy for her, because I'm sure she feels bad now too, and will be afraid to share her happiness with you so she doesn't hurt your feelings. And that's what sisters are for, sharing both the good and the bad times. I'm sure she wants to be there for you, so let her! And I'm sure you want to be there for her-so be there! I hope this helps, and just know if you keep making the right choices things will look up for you!

Hi M.,
Wow, you have had a LOT of stuff happen! The fact that it hurts you to feel/act this way is a sign that it's time to stop. As a previous post mention, focus on being happy! Concentrate on the blessings you have: your sister and your little ones. Here is a trick I learned going through a rough time- when you start to feel sorry for yourself, or jealous, think about it for a few seconds, acknowledge that is how you feel and dismiss the feeling and go back to focusing on being who YOU want to be. I don't think it would hurt to find a counselor or support group as an outlet for your feelings. It can be a great resource and source of strength. You can get through this! Do as much as you can, and if you still feel this way, perhaps talking to your dr. about depression could help too. Best of luck- I'll say a prayer for you.
E.

Honestly I would say talk to a Dr. about a mild antidepresant. The lowest amount could do wonders.

I too just want to say hang in there! MOST people would feel the way you do given all you've been through in the last few years!!! You need a break! Try to remember better times are coming...

Keep reaching out, keep talking (supporting friends AND other support: church, counselor, whatever you can swing). And it is good that you shared your feelings with your sister... at least she knows what's going on in your head and that you feel bad about it. And she will understand if you need a bit of space from her now. Allow yourself to FEEL what you are feeling... it is the first step to letting those bad feelings GO. Admitting it is half the battle.

You are very honest and self aware... you're on the right track!!! I'll be sending positive vibes your way!!! There will be blessings in your future!!!!!!

Dear Michel, It is very normal what you feel, it is not that you are jealious you are tired. you should seeking help from government. you can get help search the net and also with 3 kids you have probably no time for yourself, so try at least once or twice a month a pamper day like just walking 2 hours alone in the city, or having a massage. Keep your head up. Bad days will go before you know it.

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot of really challenging issues to deal with in your life right now and like you said, I'm sure seeing your sister do well isn't helping how you feel about yourself. My little sister is also my best friend, so I can imagine how it must hurt to not feel able to be happy for her.

I think that in addition to the good advice you've already received, you should look into seeing a therapist to help you work through the difficulties in life right now and to find ways to cope. Medications will definitely work if that's what your body needs, but in my opinion, life's hardships will always be there in one way or another so a pill is a way to help get yourself back on track in the immediate future, but coping skills are valuable and necessary for the rest of the time.

Therapists can really help you feel better by giving you a safe place to vent and by helping you learn to deal with what life's handed you. A lot of insurance covers some therapy visits, it's worth looking into. And if that's not enough, could you ask your parents to loan you money for the time being, with the intention of paying it back? Some therapists also allow payment on a sliding scale, or will allow you to pay small amounts each month. Your mental health is still your health, so get the help you can to take care of it. You owe it to yourself and to your kids. Good luck and I hope you find some peace soon :)

Hi, M. ~ First of all, we are all human and it is completely normal to feel the way you do toward your sister. You've had A LOT to deal with in the past couple of years and her life is going well so of course, you're going to feel a little envious. I am telling you this from experience ~ I have the same feelings toward my sister at times. My husband and I have had quite a few serious health and other problems that we've had to deal with over the 12 years we've been married. My husband lost his job of 21 years when my daughter was 6 weeks old, not to mention the fact that we had to endure 3 years of infertility treatments. On the other hand, my sister basically has lived the life of luxury ~ her husband had a successful bar/restaurant business then a successful real estate business, they take a ton of vacations, own THREE beautiful homes and she has never had a problem getting pregnant with her two boys. SO, I can feel your pain! I have gotten better about the jealousy, but to be honest with you, the one thing that REALLY helped was going on a mild anti-depressant (Lexapro) about 6 months ago. That wasn't the reason I went on it, but it really helped me in dealing with the problems in life and therefore, gave me a different outlook on everything in general ~ including my sister and her "golden life" so to speak. And every day I look at all that I have and know that I am blessed. I may not be able to take the vacations or own as many beautiful homes as my sister, but I have a roof over my head, a beautiful daughter and a husband who adores me. What I'm trying to say is to look at the good you have in your life and don't compare yourself to what your sister has and what you don't. Like you, my sister is my best friend and I have realized that I should be happy for her. She's happy when I'm happy and shares in my heartache when I'm sad and when it all comes down to it, that is really all that matters ~ that we're there for each other. Nothing could ever take away the love and friendship that have developed from the time she was born. Always remember that and don't let the jealousy destroy your relationship with your best friend and the person who understands you the most.

That's a rough one. I can emphathize with your feelings. This may sound a bit corney but one thing I can reccomend is praying for her. Don't know your religious background but there's the let go and let god deal. that helped me a lot with my ex husband. I don't mean pray for her as in- Dear Lord please let her get into an accident and crash and burn... just that she be taken care of as well- most likely she's going through a hard time now that you are no longer as close in her life. pray for forgivess for yourself too and ask god to take your jealously. you might be surprised.

M.-

I just wanted to reach out and give you a *hug*. You have been through so much and my heart breaks for you. I hope that you have the family/ friend support that you need to get through this rough time. Continue to be grateful for your beautiful children and try to see the world through their eyes. I promise, this time will pass and you will be able to appreciate life in a whole new way once things are better...and they will get better!

Hang in there, with a smile.
N.

M..
Sometimes life is very hard. Sometimes life is very unfair. Please cut yourself a break. You have been going through some very rough times and jealousy is going to be so natural. If you can't afford maybe someone to help you thru this time, try the county health department or a free on-line support group. Being a Mom is hard and lonely enough. You are throwing in abandoment, Sick kids (which is the worst and most stressful thing ever.) And with your house, well, a total loss of security. I wouldn't be surprised if you are sufferig post traumantic stress disorder. I really think you should talk to someone. Thank God for your parents.
The only thing i can tell you is, time does change things and make things better. I've lost my father suddenly, a job, My sister in law died and my brother got cancer, I helped raise my neices. The hard parts of life make us stronger. You are so brave and doing your best.I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. You are raising kids, working, and trying to get your life back together.
You said your sister is your best friend. Talk to her about how you feel and let her listen and help. Because now you're down and she's up. Next time, it could be the other way.
I'm not a staunch religious person or anything, but I'll pray for you and your family. Hang in there. Things will change.

I can't say that I've dealth with anything like this from personal expereince. I doubt few have. But in just reading this, all I can say is be gentle with yourself. It has to hurt a great deal to have someone so close to you having the life you thought you would have. And there is no fairness in the fact that you don't have, but as we all know life is not fair. That doesn't keep that innate sense of justice we all carry inside from raging when things are as terrifically unfair as this. No one should have to deal with a house burning down, daughters with surgery, a sick two year old and a husband who has left. My best friends are my sisters, and my guess is that if you talk to your sister about this, she will understand and support you. Do your best to just keep doing the next right thing, and allow yourself to be OK with the fact that rightfully you hurt a lot. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you, M..

K.

I am a sister to five siblings and we have been really close and really far apart depending on the circumstances. My advice to you is to try, and I mean try, to spend one on one with only your sister. Make dates to get your nails done, go out to lunch, or try a bike ride. For right now, don't go over her house or do family get togethers. They are just too painful and the truth is if your life was more together, you would be so thrilled for her. You have to spend time on you right now, so do fun things with your sister only. As time goes by, you and sister's bond with be stronger, you won't miss out on life with your sister, but you also won't have to endure the pain that comes along with watching your sister enjoy the things that you want too. In time, your life will come together and you and your sister's relationship will still be there. I hope this helps a little.

OY! It is amazing that you have been able to hold yourself together dear! Take a deeeeep breath, stand back and look at what you are saying. Your world fell apart, your sister is what you grabbed onto for stability, now she is concentrating on her life and you feel you are losing your life raft! Maybe this is a good thing. Sit down, write out some goals for YOU. Join a church (if you don't have one), a support group, get some therapy, TALK. Start a savings account souly for getting your own home. WALK every day! See the gifts that God has given you, which are a loving sister, sun on your face, your children, a roof over your head, a job, etc. Make a goal to find three things that give you joy every day...even if it is always your sister as number one. Don't lose the gift of her love and don't deny her her life, or the gift she is giving you of letting her go. *HUG* This too shall pass.

Hi,
I can't tell you that I have been through any type of situation similiar to yours but I do think I can relate somewhat. I think anyone could understand that being jealous in your time of life right now is pretty normal. The fact that you know you are acting badly is also a plus. My sister and mom are best of friends and do everything together. My mom helps her out at the drop of a hat. I live 9 hours away and have 3 kids under the age of 4 and would love just a little help now and then but obviously can get it. Now I know that I can't even compare to your situation but if you and your sister are that close, I am sure she know that you are in a bad time in your life right now and she will still be there for you. Knowing that should help you out, she is your family. No one can take that away from you! Plus appreciate you mom for helping you out. If you start looking at the positive in your life, it is amazing how the negative does take a turn around. Don't let jealousy beat you down, make it work for you and turn you into a better person. Hope this helps!

First off- stop beating yourself up. It sounds as though you have been through a very rough time and who wouldn't blame you for being jealous of someone who seems to have an easy time of it. My advise (as someone who has had a run of bad luck this year) is to find a good councelor to talk to. You need to address what is really bothering you. There is no shame in seeking help. I did and I feel so much better. Best of luck