I have been married a little over a year. We have been together almost 9 years. We have 3 wonderful children. However, our marriage might be in trouble. My husband won't talk to me about anything. I honestly feel like he doean't care about me or love me anymore. I try talking to him but it goes in one ear and out the other. He spends way too much time doing his hobby. There have been times that the bills haven't been paid because he bought stuff for his hobby. He never wants to do anything with me. Its like he is scared to go in public with me. When I ask him if he still loves me and cares about me he says yes, but he doesn't show it. I'm not sure what else I can do. Thanks in advance.
BTW. We got together when we were 18. I had our first child the day before my 19th birthday. He was a month early.
men in general arent really good talkers. But the spending money on hobbies instead of paying bills is concerning. Could be be depressed about something maybe?
Hey Bobbie!
Just wanted to throw in my two cents worth...you have gotten a lot of great advice so far! My one thing is, maybe the marriage added onto the longterm relationship to start has sent him into a man depression. Sometimes, having the marriage and 'titles' of marriage make some men look at their loving wives in a new (and sometimes not so flattering) light. All of a sudden, in their minds, you aren't the loving woman and sexual partner they had, so all of a sudden become their mothers! Strange, but true.
I agree with sitting down when you are calm and able to express what you feel in a non-threatening manner. If you need to...write things down! I know that when I am emotionally invested, sometimes I can get into the middle of a conversation like that and I can go off onto a tangent and not make the loving points I had intended to make.
Good luck, honey! And try not to worry. Do your very best and the rest...well, what will be will be.
Take care of YOU. Take care of your children. Make sure you are the whole woman that you deserve to be and the rest will fall into place. Set the example for your children of how to be a loving, responsible partner in a marriage.
Take care!
you might try telling him you are not happy with things the way they are you feel he doesn't care or love you anymore and that is the way you feel because of the signals and suggest some counceleing ( probably miss spelled) that may wake him up good luck
Sounds fishy. You might need to check things out, like where he is, etc. Good luck.
I will also recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, there is a quiz in the back to tell you which love language you speak and you may be able to figure out your husbands if he's not willing to take the quiz, I'll also recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger-it will feel like you are doing all the work-but you may see a change in him quickly if you do as she suggests. God bless you!
Hi Bobbie,
I, too, am a sahm but of a 16 year old. I've been married 22 years but that in no way makes me an expert. The following is just in my opinion.
You don't say what his hobby is...it probably doesn't matter...but that might be the underlying problem. The bottom line is that it's interfering with his being a good husband and father. He's acting very immature and selfish by concentrating on his needs alone. A man's self worth is generally tied to his job and providing for his family. This is apparently skewed right now. Possibly he's withdrawing into his hobby because he is overwhelmed by having a large family to provide for and his unmarried friends don't have that responsibility.
Regardless of the amount of time that you have been together the first year of marriage is the toughest. I'm not too sure you could get him into marriage counseling but it's apparant that it might be needed at this point.
How do you approach him about the subject of his hobby? If you are judgemental, yelling or threatening you'll just have him withdraw into his hobby more.
Approach him again about his hobby...but do so in a spirit of love and understanding. Ask him, in a calm and quiet manner, to involve you and the children with his hobby if it's at all appropriate.
My husband works on cars as a hobby (as well as to earn some extra money) and retreats to the garage. I've learned to involve myself in my own hobbies (I do needlework and scrapbook) to occupy my time. I've even recently started a Red Hat Society chapter so that I can have more adult conversations and contact. This works for us because we respect each other's interests. But the respect must come from both directions.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to talk to him again...but be aware of your attitude and the words you choose. Being angry or whining is only going to make the problem even larger.
I just remembered...there is a book called "The Seven Love Languages" by Steven Covey I think. Anyway I'd suggest you get it, read it and then practice the love language that your husband needs. You'd be surprised about how their attitude about you and your children will change when they are being loved in a way that speaks most loudly to them. You'll understand more when you read the book.
Before you give up on your marriage do everything possible...in a spirit of love...and you might just see things turn around. As I said before...I'm no expert and this is only in my opinion.
W. Q
It might be a good idea to get some marriage counseling. Doing the math, I can see that you first got together when you were very young, only 15, and had your first child when you were still a teenager, then went on to have 2 more. It's possible that he's feeling overwhelmed or possibly even missing out on things his unmarried friends are doing. That doesn't make it right, but he may be feeling resentful over losing that early 20s single guy time. (I also got married very young to my high school boyfriend and he went through that phase.) His focusing on his hobby may be a way to get away from the pressure of having a large family so early. I know that isn't fair--after all, YOU don't get to get away from the kids just because you're overwhelmed--but men often cut themselves off like this. I would be open with him and tell him you feel like your marriage is in trouble and ask if he will go to counseling with you. I hope things work out well for you.
Maybe you guys need a weekend away from everything and spark the relationship back up. Spend time together getting to know each other again. I know that when my and my husband start getting testy with each other andthings like that we need time to ourselves without our little ones. Even a night alone together and just being with eachother would help you. That way you can talk and have no interupptions. Is that option avaiable to you? What is his hobby that he is doing so much? Bills should always come before hobbies. You and the kids have to have a roof over your head and all that. Tell him how you feel. That you think something is wrong with your marriage and you want to be able to fix it. Try to get him to talk about it and tell him you love him and you want to make this work. Honesty is always the best. If he really and truly loves you and the kids he will come out of his trance or whatever it is and talk to you. Like I said be honest with him and tell him you want the same. Its no good for one to want the marriage to work and the other not too. If you ever need to talk let me know. Good luck!
S. T.
Working from home and loving it!
www.always4myfamily.com
Hi Bobbie,
I would actually completely "second" Christy T's advice. I have read the Love Languages book, and am actually currently reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" right now, and while some women may take it wrong, I think it has alot of truth to it. Give it a go, and don't get offended, and maybe see if it helps you guys out at all. Above all, I don't know where you stand on this, but pray for your marriage. I've lived 35 years now, and have seen God answer my prayers over and over again, including the ones for my marriage. He is good, and He loves you both so much and wants you to have a strong marriage. Hope this helps!
Blessings,
L.
Bobbie,
It sounds like your husband is using his hobby as an outlet, but abusing it and neglecting responsibilities towards his marriage and family. I suggest finding a good family counselor. This usually helps before things get really out of control. If he doesn't agree to going, then go alone until he does agree. Ultimatums usually work. I also suggest finding an outlet for yourself. I work from home with a lot of stay at home moms. Check out my website below and I'll be sure to get you information about that. I hope everything turns out well for the both of you.
I have two ideas, First is it possible to do the hobby with him. I know when I was first marriage it was easier to watch football with him because he spend some much time at it. Second I would go to a pastor or someone I could talk to, it would be better if he would go with you but the pastor might still be able to give you some insides that will help you and your family.
