I am married to a man who has been coddled his entire life. For the most part, he has been a sensitive, caring man. But lately it has become more frequent that we don't see that man anymore. He spends long days (and nights) at work and when he gets home he just sits on the couch. He doesn't play with the kids and he's in a bad mood whenever he's home. Then he takes his bad moods out on me. He criticizes my parenting, even though he never sees it and he is completely incapable of watching our children by himself for more than a couple of hours so I usually have to arrange to go to the laundromat during their naptime so he doesn't freak out. He has gained weight and blames me for it. He says he can't do the Atkins diet unless I make him all his meals. When he goes to work and eats fast food, he blames me for not making his lunches for him. When he doesn't go to the gym, he says it is because I didn't wake him up. Then when I DO wake him up, he complains about how tired he is and goes back to sleep.
My husband has genius-level IQ and his mother has enabled him his whole life because of it. For instance, she has been telling him his entire life that he has an addictive personality and that is why he can't quit smoking (which I did for my health and for our children). First, he has no traits a person with an addictive personality has. NOT ONE. Second, he will smoke right in front of me, knowing that I quit and I still want a cigarette every day. I tell him he is selfish and thoughtless and he'll apologize and say he can't help it. He says he wants to quit but he just can't (because he has an addictive personality).
I had forgotten about a pretty serious incident until I read it in my journal again. He had fallen asleep at the wheel while he was driving us all home one evening. It is usually my responsibility to keep him awake when he is tired and we were just around the corner from the apartment or else I would have insisted on taking over. I had been chatting to keep him awake and he wasn't really keeping up with the conversation. Then he started to veer off the road and I yelled at him to wake up. The first thing he said was how could I let that happen?
Last week, he was in one of his normal morning bad moods and told me our apartment was a "dumpster". So I spent the entire day cleaning it instead of studying for the exam I had that week. He was surprised that it was clean but then he just found something else to complain about.
Honestly, I'm so close to leaving I just want to scream. I don't WANT to get a divorce. But I can't make this man understand how much he is hurting us. And don't get me wrong. I'm certainly not a doormat. In fact, my husband claims I have feminist tendencies and that is why I'm so resistant to doing the things he asks. But I've compromised enough for our marriage. It's time for him to start. How do I make him understand that?
Hi T.,
I'm really sorry you're going through all this. The best thing I can suggest is to seek counseling.
Dear T.,
i am sooo sorry you are going through this.
No matter what the rest of the situation is, you have a spouse who refuses to take responsibility for anything.
The entire burden of the family does not rest on your shoulders and just because he is bringing home the money to put the roof over your head does not release him of the other responsiblilties that go with having a family.
Does he wash dishes? Take out the trash? Pay the bills? Wash the car? Mow the lawn? Do laundry? Change diapers? Shop for groceries? Etc, Etc....
Is he emotionally available for you? Does he provide care and concern and support when you need it?
These are all components required to make a marriage work, though noone except you and your spouse can determine what balance works for you.
Have you suggested seeing a counselor? A counselor can present information in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way.
I wish you lots of luck and please know that you are cared about.
Take care,
R.
Ps> There is a wonderful counselor in Manhattan Beach.
Her name is R. Kahane and her phone number is ###-###-####....good luck
Perhaps he is feeling the same way, and the reason he doesn't want to come home at night. No one wants to be someplace where it is uncomfortable and they feel unwanted.
Therapy is an abvious choice if you want to save the relationship. Try one simple exercise. It's called making a list of positive aspects, and works with the law of attraction (the law behind The Secret). Write down all of the positive things about him, and about your life. NO NEGATIVE. One positive thought leads to another and so on. It works the same way with negative, which is why negative thoughts lead to deep depression. In this same sense thinking only positive thoughts can lead to euphoria. Once you are in a positive state of mind you will be able to make more rational choices. Lead your life "on purpose" rather than by default.
Right now you are both living with lots of negative energy and blame. Blame is one of the worst things you can do to yourself and the only one it hurts is you. It will make you emotionally and physically sick. Let go of the blame, forgive and accept responsibility. The only person in this life that you have control of is you.
There is a reason that you married him, and he does still have within him all of those things you fell in love with. It is up to you to find them and once you do you will see him in a different light. When your attitude changes and you treat him the way you once did, he will automatically change and start treating you the way he once did. If you want things to change in your life you must first change yourself.
Wow! I don't blame you for being near the breaking point! It sounds like your husband has a lot going on, and is choosing to blame it on anyone/thing besides himself. It also sounds like he may be a little depressed. Has he been to a doctor to talk about his weight gain or smoking?
Have you been able to have a calm, adult discussion with him? How about if the two of you sit down and do some meal planning? That gives you both some control. Also, set up a weekly cleaning/laundry schedule. Do you get any time for just you? How about time for the two of you?
The other thing I would say is to not give in to his priorities. If you need to study for an exam, that should be your priority. Either he can clean, or it can wait. Life is stressful enough for the two of you not to be on the same page!
Have you read "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beatty?
Wow! It sounds like you needed to get that off of your chest. You need to seek the advice of a professional. Your husband has a lot of issues from his past that he needs to deal with and you need peace of mind while you are raising your kids and going to school, which is very admirable. This is going to take some time to get through. Maybe someone in your area can recommend a good therapist that is affordable. I wish you all the best.
Ah, T.. I don't know where to begin. I guess the first thing to consider is this: We are models for our children - we help form their attitudes towards themselves, their realtionships with others, etc. Is this really what you want your children to learn? That they don't have to take any responsibility for their actions, it's always someone else's fault, we can never overcome bad habits, it'a fine to be bitchy and critical to our spouse, moms do all the work, etc. Not only that, but what kind of relationship is he going to have with them? Kids need their Dads to be loving, supportive, and INVOLVED. Is he going to blame and criticize them as well when they get old enough? This just sounds like an extremely unhealthy environment for a kid to grow up in.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it seems like they (and you) would be better off without him then with him. I would suggest going to couples therapy, but I'm sure he wouldn't entertain the idea. He sounds pretty toxic, and you sound angry, frustrated and sad(rightfully so). My heart really goes out to you, because you and your kids deserve better. No one should have to live with this kind of stress and constant negativity. You are not his maid, nanny or mother. Anyone who smokes in front of someone else who is trying to quit (and whom they're supposed to care about), and even near kids, is probably someone who is too selfish and self-involved to see reason. He can't set his own alarm? He really sounds like a spoiled, petulant child.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this and hope that you find your way to a better and healthier situation.
feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to vent. I'll be rooting for you.
B.
If this is not like his usual self, then something might be going on with him.
Spending excessive extra time at work, and then being grouchy at home really only spells one thing for me, and you need to put him on the spot. Is there someone else involved?
As far as not helping out, smoking around you and the kids (which really gives me the creeps, sorry) - he is just plain selfish - and that has nothing to do with a high IQ.
Have a conversation with him, put him on the spot and get it all out there - if he doesn't see eye to eye with you - I'd leave.
Why put up with this?
For the kids sake? And then have them witness it every day? Not a very good solution.
Good Luck
E.
PRAY!! You have to remember why you married him! Remember how much you love him. Sometimes we need to love a little more so that they can love more too. Really tell him how you are feeling by started off with how much you really love him. I will pray for your family!
Tell him what you told us; "he has been a sensitive, caring man" "we don't see that man anymore" Tell him that that is the man you married and that you want him back. But understand with him being the blamer that he is it will probably be your fault. After you let him know how you feel you need to make some serious dicisions that only you can make.
He just might have become overwelmed with family life. Maybe the two of you need to get away or at least, get out. Do some of the things you did when you dated.
I wish you the best,
i think your husband is an a#@. you need to get the kids out of the house so the two of you can have an uninterrupted conversation about you future/marriage. get it all off your chest; let him know how you feel. tell him what you want & need from you. you are responsible for you & your children, not a grown man. he needs to stop blaming you for his faults, downcomings, weaknesses...everything. if you have to separate, then that is what you do to save yourself and your sanity.
you are not responsible for him or actions.
Dear T.,
I'm sorry about all you are going through. All that I know that will work is for you to start praying for him everyday and fervently. If it gets really bad, there's nothing wrong with leaving for a while and praying for him from wherever you are at.
His mom filled his head with all of these expectations, so he's bearing the weight of all of that and not bearing the weight of what he should be. He allowed what she spoke over him to become his reality. It's time for you to start speaking more life-giving words over him.
If you go to church, you should go to your pastor and ask him and other Godly men to surround him to minister to him. Meanwhile, you should surround yourself with Godly women to minister to you.
My husband and I go to church, but have had a rough start to our marriage. When I started reading The Power of a Praying Wife, it opened my eyes to how marriage was created to be and the role that I was to fulfill.
You obviously want to please your husband, and that is what you should do. But that doesn't mean you should let things stay the way they are. The reason praying is the key, is because God is the most powerful. But also, as wives, we all know that there are somethings men just refuse to hear from their wives. There's a reason. Those words aren't meant to come from us. They're meant to come from God and his Godly friends. We're not meant to change our husbands. Only God can do that. Trying will only frustrate us and our husbands. You're meant to be his companion and support. And there's no better way to be there for your hubby, then through prayer.
Find yourself some prayer partners. If you need one, I'm here.
God bless you and your family! My prayers are with you.
M.
Dear T.,
Judging only from what you have written, a divorce sounds attractive. On the other hand, if your husband is able to support you and the family well, you might consider asking yourself if your college education can wait.If there is a huge gap in the education levels of you and your husband,PLEASE don't feel that you have to "catch up" QUICKLY on something that in any way conflicts too much with your plan to be a full time mother. There is a very good chance that he might rather pay extra for help with things around the house so you can go to school-rather than pay alimony and child support in order for all of you to live more happily. Some of the worry here is exactly WHERE DOES HE GO when he isn't home? Are you sure he is at work? A genius level I.Q. is more often bragged about or brought up as a result of failure or insecurity. I think you may have meant to say that his mother DISABLED him.(not enabled)
Those who develop and use their gifts don't have to be bragged about since I.Q. only serves to reveal a POTENTIAL which is rarely met. When people develop their talent, their intelligence and success is obvious to nearly everybody. Also, your husand may be having serious trouble or stress at work. Either way , more dialogue will help. Also a mediator or a counselor might be necessary.
I feel I am in your footsteps but my husbands was an addict/alcoholic and has been in treatment .He is also very depressed..maybe he is suffering from depression? take care...
Can you guys go to therapy?
