Need Advice on In-laws

Hi J.--

Sorry that you are sick...I can completely understand how you feel. I have been sick most of my marriage, too. I also have an unreasonable MIL. Basically, you can only do so much and beyond that it is her choice. We have recently completely stopped talking to her because she said that she had no interest in repairing her relationship with me. I know, it totally sucks!! I am really sorry. Just remember that she is the one missing out. Let me know if I can give you any advie... good luck.

J.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have a method I've used before. Tell her that if she really wants them all to come that she can pay for them and take on the extra jobs necessary to make her happen. Give her the full amount it would cost to add them on plus a detailed to-do list of everything she needs to do. Perhaps that'll shut her up. Good luck!

Honestly, this isn't your battle to fight. It's your dear hubby's. They are after all his parents. And with you being sick the last thing you need is to have to deal with them. I would let him know that it is up to him to fight with them. That you are no longer going to deal with it and that the top priority is your health right now. If she calls you on any problems make it very clear that she is to take it up with her son. That right now you are working on getting well for your children and she has no right to put any of this on you. If she has an issue talk tell her to talk to her son.

hi, i'm sorry to hear about all the problems you're having, i can completely relate (well, except for the illness, i may have medical problems, but you can't really compair that feeling unless you have the same thing) as for the in-laws...i definitely have the same issues. my mother is very nasty, to everyone, it's just her personality, some see it as funny, while others (those of us unfortunate to be on the receiving side of her attitude) think she's just pure evil. while she does have her nice moments (far and few inbetween) she does like to start with us (and we live with them). i swear she's not happy unless she's bitching! when she starts a fight, whether it has anything to do with me directly or not, she goes after me screaming and yelling (i guess venting) and when she gets nasty with me, i just say WHATEVER! and walk away, or just completely ignore her and go about my business. i've had at least 1 week without saying one single word to her, or her to me AND IT WAS GREAT! she was also much nicer afterwards. and when she gives me a hard time about my preference for my daughter's parties, or how i raise my child, i ALWAYS end it with, "well, that's nice for you, but this is MY child, and i have the right to decide what she can and can't do, eat, or goes. and if you have a problem with that, well, i'm sorry, but that just sounds like a personal problem that you just need to get over!" and i think that's the nicest possible way i can put that to her! sometimes she just says whatever, and sometimes she throws a tantrum (YES, just like a little child..without actually throwing herself on the floor kicking and swinging lol)

all i can say is try to keep your distance when she's giving you a hard time, do what you can to keep the peace, but never surrender to her wishes if it's something you're dead set against! and if your husband agrees with you, just blow it off as it being her problem, NOT yours...you need to think about you and your family over everyone else! IF you want to try and accomodate her and what she wants without adding more burden to yourself, i'd definitely tell her that if it is that big of a deal to her and the cousins to have the boyfriends, then THEY would have to pay, whether it's your mother-in-law, the cousins, or the boyfriends, but it WILL NOT be coming out of your pocket. and leave it at that....if you get the money, then allow them to come, and if not, oh well, not your problem.

hope all goes well, good luck!

Hi J., I am very sorry that you are ill (is it Hodgkin's disease that you have or something else?). I hope you will recover soon and well. I am also sorry that you have to deal with such in-laws. Try to limit the contact with them to the absolute minimum. Talk to you husband - he should be the one to tell his parents to back of. He should be the one doing the fighting, not you. First agree on the things with your husband and stick to it, don't give up or she might feel that the more she pushes the more she achieves. Whenever there is a conflict - you can tell your mother in-law that she should talk to your husband about it (don't say "your son", say "my husband"!), and keep repeating it like a broken record. I hope your parents are supportive if you. I bet living with them is not easy either. Hope some of it will work for you. Good luck.

Hi J.,
I'm sorry you're going through all this drama. Its admirable that you're trying to make peace with your mother in law but I think your energy should be focused on your own health and your family. If she is being so unreasonable about the Christening and giving you such a hard time you may be better off giving yourself a break from her. She's the one who will be missing out. If you do want to accommodate her request have her pay for the cousins' boyfriends--that usually changes their tune.

Good luck and prayers.

-K.

Hi J.

I know that in laws can be awful sometimes but I think that they are the last thing you should be worring about right now. I sounds like your husband is very supportive of you and is totally on your side, and that's what really matters. I think that at this time in your life your energy is better spent on going through your treatment and getting well.

Lots of luck,
C.

J.,

Sorry to hear about your illness, I am sure you were overwhelmed not only with that but with such a large christening at the same time. I think that would stress anyone. You don't mention how many extra people would have had to be added with the "boyfriends" but sometimes you just have to cut the guest list off somewhere. Its unfortunate that your mother in law took such offense, and noble that you tried to mend the fence so to speak. I am sure you dont want your children to be cut off from their grandparents so I think I would try again to explain-maybe in a card or letter- to your mother in law how difficult things were for you at the time of the christening and diagnosis. You can only be the bigger person and try again, without humbling yourself or begging, and see if she will see your side of things. If you get no response, or a hostile answer, simply say "I am sorry you feel that way and can't understand how I felt" and leave things alone. Hopefully she will come around at some point when she realizes this stupid argument is not worth losing her family over. You will have peace of mind knowing you tried, and that is important. I wish you luck with the treatments and hope the summer is good to you and your family.

L.

I'm sorry you are sick, I'm going to pray for you! As for your MIL, it's your party, if you are paying for it then you need to decide who you are inviting. If she was paying i would be a different story. You need to be firm with her and let her know that. Good Luck.

M.

Hello
I'm sorry about your condition I hope all goes well with your treatment. Remember prayer, God always hears you if you do it from the bottom of your heart.
AS for your in laws are they bothering still or it was just for the christening. My advice to you is that if they are not willing to come around and forget about and to keep dwelling on something so dumb. Then they really are poor in mind they just like the conflict.
Frankly you cannot be having these issues specially with your health did you know that these things affect you more and is not good for you, getting better is what you need to focus on.
People like this is best to ignore. Forget about worry about you and your family as long as you have the support of your husband and your family the rest does not count when there are other things more important.
They will come around when they realize that you don't care people are like that need of attention you can't give.
take care of yourself remember first second and third you then the rest of the world.
god bless
take care
G.
____@____.com

It seems to me that you already have too many things to worry about. First let me congratulate you on moving out of their home. I'm sure that was a difficult situation. I think that you should avoid them. You may not gain anything by being confrontational in this situation. Allow some time to pass and concentrate on your health. That's what's most important. If you still feel stressed despite some distance between you I would suggest you go to counseling. Believe me it works.

Question? Does your husband say anything to your mother in law? I had a similar issue. I was raised Pentecostal and my husband was Catholic. He then started coming to my church and he's now a born again Christian. When it came to our son. His mother made a big deal on the baby being Christened (or however you spell it) and she doesn't even go to church anymore. I really don't believe in a child being christened and what we do is dedicate our son to God in our church in front of the congregation. But just to keep his mother happy, I did it for her. And it wasn't that big of a deal, because his father (who is not with the mom anymore) didn't even come because he didn't want to see her. Anyway, my husband backs me up and tells his mother or father certain things when I'm not happy, but he doesn't make it seem like it's me. He puts it in a way that we both (my husband and I) are not fond with certain things.

Your in A tuff situation..the way I see it is...it's yours your sons christening your decision it wasn't like you didn't invite your grandmother and they need to respect your decision. especially, knowing that your sick...You can avoid your in-laws...but unfortunately they aren't gonna disappear your gonna see them at family functions...You can confront them with your husband...Or just let it go and understand they're crazy like I do with my in-laws...I wouldn't worry about it too much just say to yourself "F@!* IT"....The drama isn't worth it!

J.
Right now you're in no condition to condone your in laws behavior, shame on them. You need to concentrate on getting better for your two boys. If they don't have the consideration for you, sorry to say, but screw them. You and your health come first. Stay strong, my 3 year old boy is a leukemia survivor. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me.

I have similar issues with my in-laws. We had it out bigtime! I have not spoken to any of his family in 2 months - and it is fine by me. I told him if he would like to bring the baby over to see them, that is fine - but i will have no part of it. They are not allowed at me house either. I know in my case, my in-laws are rude and vulgar, always yelling - so i honestly don't think my daughter will be missing out if she doesn't know them - i know it sounds mean but i have had it up to hear with them. You are sick and need peace of mind to help you recover - let them apologize to you and then consider your options - if they don't apologize, don't bother with them at all!

J.,

I hope that you are concentrating on getting well. THAT is the most important thing. I agree that you have enough to worry about now. You invited the cousins and NOT the boyfriends. It is a FAMILY occassion. If your MIL doesn't like it...then TOO BAD. I also agree that your DH is gonna have to speak to them. It will show your MIL that HE agrees with YOU and she will have to lump it. After thisI would be pleasant as if nothing happened...holding on to bad feeling just isn't worth it. Don't sweat it...this is just one day out of many. A christening is something special...so don't let this situation ruin it. Do what YOU want...since your DH is backing you...then THAT is THAT. TDB...if they don't like it. I hope you recover quickly.

I would tell her if she wants them there then she should pay for them. I mean 175 is alot. I had 25 people at my house for my sons christening and it cost us alot for food and decorations. Explain to her its only a christening and u will explain to the cousins and u are not having any guests. Good Luck!

Hi..

Your husband really needs to let them know their place. He needs to remind them that this is "HIS" family. Their behavior is not acceptable and especially in front of your boys. I can not for the life of me understand why some in-laws are so awful and rude.

I can not stress the importance of your husband going to their house and having a sit down with them. 175 people for a christening is insane. This is a family event & a happy occasion. How dare they interfere with this religious ceremony. On top of which you are sick. I'm sorry about that. You really don't need any nonsense in your life at this time.

If his parents continue to act this way towards you, then don't go to their house. This is not good for the boys.

You really need to talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and what she does to you.

Good luck.

It will not get better sorry to tell you that. I have something similar happen to me. Me and my husband do not speak to his sister. It has it about a year. Do not give in because then she will think that she can do it again and again. As long as you have the support of your husband that is all you need.

J.,

Worry about you and your family. Forget them. It's your party and those are the rules. It sounds like you hubby is being supportive. Do your best when you have to directly deal with them, but don't sweat it, don't go out of your way and try not to bad mouth them to hubby. Your focus and energy should be with you, hubby and your boys. It's hard when things are emotionally charged, but it's what's best for you and YOUR family. Tell you husband, you will do your best, but your done reaching out. It's then their choice. Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear abour you hodgkins. Hope all goes well for you. I had almost the same problem. It was my hubby's 40th birthday and I invited 20 people, family only. My sil called and asked if I was inviting the niece & 2 nephews all who are 20 & over. I told her no, that I was limited. I was paying for the party, not anyone else. Then she offered to pay for them. I told her no & invited them. Only 2 of them came. It worked out ok, cause a couple of other people didn't make it. Anyway, if you are paying for it, then they should have no say.