Need Advice on How to Get Dad More Involved in Doing Chores!!!

L.,
A few years ago I went through this and this is what I did.
I went on Mom Strike.
I didn't do the dishes,or take out the trash, I made only meals for myself. I wasn't getting any help or and appreciation so I took a week off. I ate in my room. They finally got the message. All apologized and they started agreeing to help around the house. He started taking the trash out. I told him I know I don't work outside the home but I am not anyone's maid. I need you help around here. He agreed and everything has been so great since.
Good Luck.
T Wood

hey L......i would try a really nice approach and just let him know how much you appreciate him when he does help....also tell him how much you love being at home and thanks for allowing you to do that. I would try making his life as easy as possible. Once he feels appreciated/admired I bet he will help more. Hope that helps...:)

Hi L.. In case you haven't noticed men don't think the same as we women do. They don't see an over flowing garbage can and think Wow. That is full, I think I'll take it out and put a fresh bag in the can. You have to be direct but nice. He won't assume anything so you must tell him EXACTLY what it is you want him to help with. He is not a mind reader and just because it is obvious to you doesn't mean it is obvious to him. When my Mother died it was unexpected. She wasn't in the best of health but we had no indication her death was imminent. I was crushed. The next evening a friend of my husband's called and asked him to go shoot some pool. He asked me if I minded. I was so furious and hurt that he would EVEN consider going out I said go ahead. I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't want to be here. So. he left! Of course, I expected him to realize his insensitivity and stay but he took me at my word. Later, when I brought it up (memory of an elephant) he was dumb founded. He TRULY believed that I didn't care if he went out and that I wanted to be alone. That was eighteen years ago and since then I say what I mean and mean what I say. He will never just do the "right" thing as we women do. Men truly are from Mars! Also when your husband does help don't complain about how he performs the task. He probably won't do it as well as you but grin and bear it if you want his help in the future. Be sure to thank him for everything he does do to help. Denise K.

I read a great book called "Mars and Venus: Together Forever". I would really recommend it. It talks about this.

Otherwise, just ask him. It could be that he just doesn't "see" it. I heard somewhere, years ago, that men really don't know the dishes need done, until there aren't any to use.

My husband does the same things, however, he didn't do them before we married, so I knew what I was getting into when I got married. I make a point of just not taking the trash out. It is the best reminder in the world.

You could go another route and hold a family meeting, and have everybody pull a chore out of the hat.

YOu might need to approach it with a "I feel like I don't have anymore to give", "I am burned out" type thing, rather than a "you aren't doing enough" type thing. Maybe even plan a week-end away, that's what I do when I feel taken advantage of, I always come back and here, "boy, the kids are a lot of work". I usually get more help for a week or two.

Good luck.

L.,

I am a SAHM of 5 boys and have been married for almost 17 years. It has been my experience that my husband is usually more than willing to help out, but seems to be clueless as to what to do to help. He also seems incapable of taking a hint. What works best for me is to just tell him what I would like for him to do, but in a nice way of course! LOL

Also and I don't know why this is but if I phrase it in the form of a question he doesn't seem as willing to do it, but if I phrase it in the form of a statement it seems to get done?? For instance if I say something like, "Can you put some gas in my van? Its under 1/4 of a tank and I need to go get groceries tomorrow" doesn't usually get any results, however if I phrase it something like..."The van is low on gas, after dinner I need you to run and fill it up for me please, OK?" Works just about every time. Go figure, but for what its worth thats what works around here. Good luck!

So many men feel they are at work all day and don't have to help at home. What they forget is you are working too...raising your sweeties, not sitting around eating bon-bons! Is he spending time with the kids when he gets home or eating dinner and plunking down in front of the TV as you get the little ones to bed? I would be more concerned that he take part in activities with the kids than taking out the trash. He could help by giving baths, reading a book and tucking sweeties into bed while you take 2 seconds totake the trash out,then have a bit of time to read a book, call a friend or take a bubblebath yourself!

L.,

I agree with the binder of routines, a list of things that need to be done throughout the house daily. I put mine in plastic page protectors and cross off the items I have completed with a dry erase marker.

When your husband has a bit of time you could ask him to check the binder and tackle the tasks that have not been completed. I leave mine open to the current routine in the dining room.

My husband is a visual learner, I can ask him to do the same thing every day at the same time and he still won't remember the next day, but if I ask him to check the routines he remembers and eventually he gets to the point he doesn't need to check the book.

Another idea would be to sit down with him and talk when the kids are in bed and both of you are calm and relaxed. Bring out your list of things that need to be accomplished, ask for his help (don't bring up any past history, just leave it at the question) and then ask him which items he thinks he can complete after he gets home. You also might want to ask him what tasks he might need help with (you never know, he might be working on his own routine) and offer to help with a few. Don't forget to include a bit of down-time for each of you at some point in the evening. You both need at least 15 guilt-free-minutes to do whatever makes you happy.

Good luck!

-C..

My husband had told me that onece too...that if I just tell him, he responds better then if I am wishy washy and try and ask.
And it really....really..sucks, but they do require praise. EVEN THOUGH it is something that they should do anyway. But, I bite my tongue and thank him when he does the dishes, vacuums, etc. I also let him know in what way it helped me. If he cleans up the kitchen after dinner, I let him know that it helped me relax...and also when he helps, it helps us be more relaxed together and more intimate.
I stay at home with my kids, but I also work two jobs. So, my husband is probably a bit more kean on the fact that I need help. But, even in your situation, he could help out a little.
He might also just not know what to do...if you are a stay at home mom...the home is kind of like "your place". You keep it up and running all day. And when he walks in, he probably feels like he would be stepping over some bounds, if he were to just jump in. Talk to him. He may just need some specific directions.
And yes...daddy helping out...teaches the kids A LOT.

I am going through the same thing, except I am a full time graduate student with two jobs. The binder thing definitely wouldn't work, it would probably just make him really upset. He did grow up with a magic mom, but I am sure that my husband is not lazy. I dont think he thinks about chores as often as I do. But I got fed up, I explained to him that me doing all the household stuff (cooing, cleaning, laundry, etc.) was driving me insane and I needed more help. I don't praise him when he cleans, because it's something he should do! I do agree that you should talk to your husband, but he must understand that you too get tired and have a billion things to do. I've also started doing things like cooking dinner every other day or making small comments about things that need to be done around the house. If he's hungry, he'll cook dinner on the days I won't (or order a pizza). I understand that mom's are the backbone of the house, but we should not be expected to hold down the fort all by ourselves. Just tell you husband how you feel.

The answer to this would be like finding out the secret of the universe! If you figure it out, be sure to let everyone know! LOL! (Mine's retired, I work full time, have a candy business from my home/internet and he still doesn't do much of anything)

Make a list of each and every task you do doing the day from brushing the kids teeth to taking out the garbage to feeding the dog. Number it. When he sees that you easily perform 100 tasks a day, he will feel obliged to pitch in. Good luck and keep us posted. :)

Hi L., I feel your pain. In order to get my husband to help out more I just stopped emptying the garbage, or I pull it out from under the sink when it is full as a hint. I also stopped taking his beer/soda cans to the recycle bin in the garage (he sets them on the counter or leaves them in the living room). At first he complained that I wasn't doing my job, which was the inside of the house while he maintained the outside. I just pointed out that the cans were all his and therefore his responsibility. As for the garbage, he got the hint. I still have to pull it out when it's full but at least he'll take it out and put a new bag in. It's baby steps. Now that I'm pregnant he cleans the bathroom, although he waits until I ask him to do it and it's disgusting but at least he does it. I think it helped that my friend complained to us that her husband did not clean the whole time she was pregnant, including the bathroom, which got nasty. Good luck and be assertive!

My experience on that type of task is you need to ask/tell him. Try making a list of a few things that you would like help with. Men rarely see a full garbage can and think to empty it by themselves.

I''d try a family meeting. He's going to get away with this as long as you let him. He may be angry about something and this is his way to get back at you. Maybe you can get him to talk about it - maybe not. Nagging will make it worse. Try to get him to tell you what this is about. Couples counselling is another possibility. Don't just knuckle under. Years from now, it'll be near impossible to fix. After my parents divorced, my dad got a girlfriend who insisted he do dishes and - guess what? - he actually could and did! My mom was shocked!

Good luck!

I have a great and very helpful husband but he definitely doesn't just "know" what to do. I made a list of my morning and evening routines and put them in a binder of my household stuff. Now if he is home on vacation or whatever, he will do my morning routine so I can sleep in. When I wake up and see that my laundry was started, the dishwasher was emptied, and my toddler was fed, I feel so loved and he feels proud that he helped me. I also leave sticky notes when things get on my nerves. "No Dishes in the sink" "Shoes go here" "toilet lid down." etc. Then it isn't an argument unless he ignores my friendly reminders :)
Anyway, I realize I am one of the lucky ones,because he doesn't put up a fight... but it does require some training. I find that he responds well to praise for every little thing that he does. "Thanks SO much for wiping the sink after you shave." "Thanks so much for putting your shoes away." eg... I am grateful for his help and he is grateful that I notice.

Yes, I agree that you have to ask for help, but usually phrased as an "I need you to" request. He may not react as well as the lucky gal with the binder of chores! My husband hates that kind of thing, but he's pretty helpful. He had a "magic mommy" so his habit is to let someone else do certain chores. We both work so its easier for me to feel okay about making some demands, but when we talked about the kids habits and how he influenced them by example more than words, he seemed to get that. Good luck!

My husband and father both tell me that you need to ask a man to help not expect it and they will gladly help. They can not read your mind is what they both say. Just ask nicely without nagging using words like honey and sweetie. Say could you please take the garbage out for me honey. I think husbands should have certin chores in the house. My husband takes out the garbage, does cat litter, shovels, takes care of lawn and outside. He also vaccuums the basement and is responsible for cleaning (dusting vaccuuming, floors) his office. Mostly cuz I can never get in there to do it.

Tell him to take care of the garbage. If he doesn't then tell him it'll be his job to get rid of the rats it attracts.

He should do something. So when he needs clean clothes, just claim that with all the other stuff you end up doing because he doesn't lift a finger, there just wasn't time to do his laundry too.

does he do chores outside the home? like mowing the grass, shoviling the snow, cleaning the gutters, fixing the cars? i feel like you soemtimes but then i remeber he helps in other ways. i ask him to clean the stove it may take him a week before he does it but you can't be a nag it jsut makes it worse

Oh yeah, if your going to do it...why should he??? make a chore chart, include everyone, even hubby, if they do their chore, give them a star...the kids will see that he isn't and say something,,you know how kids are.
His house, he helps......tough if he doesn't like it.

I thinkits funny that so many people assume that it is his job! Unless he said, I want to be the one who empties the trash....
Be careful that the real problem isn't the nagging voices in your head. Try focusing on all the things that your husband does do, and it may put you in a grateful spirit. of course you should thank your husband for doing chores. Doesn't it feel good to be thanked?
Some time try asking your husband, "How can I help you?" You might be surprised at the effect that has. Don't be sarcastic. He might realize that it feels good to have someone ask how they can be of help. He likely didn't learn that as a child (which is why I am making sure mine do). You could even ask, "Would it help you if I took out the trash tonight?" which makes it clear that you still feel that it is his chore, but that you can help him out sometimes too.
Just always remember that you are not his mother, so don't treat him like one of your children.
Also, you can check out chore wars, where you get points for doing chores, and they can be redeemed for whatever you decide.