At What Point Do You Say "Enough!"?

I have heard told before to just let everything go...laundry... dishes...picking up...and see if he even notices>>>maybe you will be better appreciated then and get some help.

I told my husband the other day "we need a wife"! I did everything for a very long time. The only thing I didn't do was pay the bills. Hubby traveled all the time and I felt that his contribution to the running of the household would be to pay the bills. Over the years, he has tried to give me that responsibility and my question back was "so what are you going to take over in its place? He would get that "deer in the headlight" look. Sunday was my "day off". Its frustrating. They feel that since they work all week they need time off, well just because I stay home doesn't mean I don't work. Ha! I worked MORE when I was a SAHM then when I'm working!!!

The shoe is now on the other foot. My career has taken off, the kids have grown and he isn't traveling like he did before. I hired a cleaning lady to come to the house once a week. Hubby does the yard work and yes STILL pays the bills! :)

This is why Chinese take out was invented.
My husband's a great cook when he wants to be but sometimes no one wants to cook dinner.
As long as dinner happens (Chinese, Subway, pizza), I don't care how it happens.

Instead of having a vague conversation with him about how you wish he would do more, sit down and go over the household responsibilities you need help with.
How about dinner? He could be in charge of dinner a few nights a week. I am a SAHM but Sunday night my husband cooks. I didn't "ask" him to do this, I simply told him he's in charge of dinner on Sunday nights (I cook all week, all three meals, so I figured it was fair to have one night off, especially after he's had all day Saturday and Sunday to work out, watch sports and play golf!)
Honestly the only way he will change is if you can start to let some things go. I think cooking is a great place to start. When there is literally no dinner on the table he will be forced to act! And you can take a nice hot bath, enjoy a glass of wine and a good book, that's become my Sunday night ritual :)

I sometimes, too, have felt this way. My hubby works less than I do, and really only handles the lawn and the bills. I do the cooking and cleaning, and child care-taking, and all the other home responsibilities. It can be overwhelming when there is so much to handle and you feel like you don't have help. And I have had the same conversation with him, which goes nowhere, because he gets defensive and tries to turn the tables on me as if I don't appreciate "all that he does".

So what did I do about it? Well, I looked back at myself and realized that I am the reason he is that way. I began our relationship doing all of this, I used to enjoy it, and now I am just more tired and less enthused as I used to be. The bottom line is we LET our spouses be this way. It is a deep, maternal, evolutionary instinct that empowers us and makes us be the caretakers. I had to learn to relinquish control and let him do some things and make sure to blatantly ask him.

One suggestion I heard (going to try this soon) is a whiteboard where you have three columns: 1) is the long list of things that need to be done daily, weekly, monthly, etc. 2) is a column for you and 3) is a column for him. In columns 2 and 3 you dole out responsiblities, together so neither person feels like they were assigned homework. You put a little dash by each day/task that gets completed and at the end of the week look it over. This will help in several ways. You will see what each other does and it will highlight just how much there is to do in a home. And 2 you will both feel pride in sharing the responsibilities.

Good luck. It can be frustrating and I hope it improves!

Boot camp? LOL If only!

There are 3 types of relationships: Parent/child, adult/adult, child/child.
Communicate with him ONLY as an adult to another adult.

Can you say : You're in charge of dinner on Wed. ? Would he step up to the plate?

If he needs more specifics...
Make him a list.
Make sure to call/text to make sure he got today's list.
Make the list as detailed as possible.

I think he likes having a "mommy" not a a "wife"! You need to change that.
Good luck....and if you were to START a bootcamp--you'd be a millionaire!

If you have never asked him to pitch in you can't expect him to just take over half all at once. That is kind of how frustration comes across even if it wasn't intent.

I think men are hard wired never to step on our toes so they assume how it is is how we want it. So if the house is a nightmare they assume we like a nightmare and it would be insulting to just step in and make it better.

So then out of frustration we jump them, ya know?

I have the best husband ever!!! He would sit on the sofa if I didn't say I need help with whatever. So long as I tell him with enough notice that he can fit whatever in his schedule (believe it or not they have them though for the life of me I can't figure them out) he is happy to do whatever and does a really good job.

Start with dinner, cause I agree after 11 hours it should be waiting. Tell him I know I have never asked you but I feel like I am biting off more than I can chew (guys like that phrase, again I don't know why). If I plan the meal can you get it ready when you get home? No you are a lazy bum. No how could you not see I need help. Just ask.

If he says no then you have every right to call him every name in the book cause that is a very reasonable request.

In our house whoever comes home first makes dinner unless that person has that disturbed look on their face then the second fetches the first a beer and starts cooking. :)

If you want dinner when you come home and he's there two hours before you get home, ASK FOR IT. You will get nothing if you don't ask. He's not a mind reader so sit down with him and say, "Sweetheart, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed handling everything in our lives right now and if you would please fix dinner on (insert whatever days you'd like him to fix dinner here) and have it ready by (X time, preferabely the time you get home) that would lift a huge burden from me and help very much."

It's no different than saying, "Husband, I will do the dishes and you will be responsible for taking out the trash." True, my husband is supposed to be responsible for the trash going out, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to be reminded that it's full. Whenever I let him know it's full, he'll take it right out.

Long story short, ask for what you want and understand that because it's not something he grew up doing, he'll probably always need gentle reminders before it becomes a habit. I was lucky that my husband grew up doing housework because his mother made him, so the transition to having him pick up the slack around here has not been a painful one.

And as for boot camp for men to train them to help around the house, well, boot camp is called "childhood" and sarge is "mommy" so let that be a lesson to those of you who have sons. If you make them do chores and teach them to cook and all that other "women's type work" while they are young and impressionable, their wives will love you for it and not cry out for a domestic boot camp after they hitch themselves to their pampered princes.

i agree with the one answer, as women we let this happen, or at least for me that is true. you are not alone, i think this happens to some extent in all homes. my husband is very helpful when asked... but if i don't say anything, piles of stuff accumulate and he doesn't even notice, actually i'm sure he does but just doesn't want to do anything about it. so, i just keep asking and he does his little chores. good luck.

I am in the same boat as you! I can't let go of the past. I worked and he worked. I cleaned up, cooked dinner, parented and paid bills while he played video games or watched tv. I do not like being married at this point in my life. It is draining. I feel like a single parent. We talk and things remain the same. I feel that for me, I made a committment. I feel like it is noy fair to my children to leave. I fell out of love with him before, and I fell back inlove again. I figure I will fall back in love again, or I hope. Good luck. HAve you tried leaving a detailed list for him?

I've felt the same way as you do. Like I have three children instead of two children and a partner. I was ready to give him the boot more than once.

I'd recommend couples counseling. There are probably ways that you could communicate with him that are more effective, and probably things that make him behave the way he does that he's not aware of. A good therapist can help put things in a better order and help you communicate and cooperate better.

We went for a couple of years and our communication and cooperation are much better. It's far from perfect, but that continual resentment is gone.

Best wishes!

If you find or start a boot camp, let me know...PLEASE!

I have had the same problem with my hubby. He's a great guy but lacking in taking care of the obvious department. I have to handle mornings completely on my own (even when he was home in the mornings, I had to prepare everything and he got up in just enough time to get himself ready and then would be super frustrated that our daughter needed so much prompting) which involves myself, my 4 year old, meals (breakfast and lunch) for both, traveling to catch her preschool bus, and getting to work on time. Then, everything about the home, schedules, etc. I have to get everything taken care of while he has free time to lounge, hunt, etc. It really got to the point that I had become a single parent that happened to have a husband that shared our home (which meant I had someone else to pick up after). I started just doing and planning around him not being w/ us for anything...it was a coping mechanism...couldn't be disappointed if I didn't expect more. Now, we are so disconnected. We're working on this right now so my advice is to SPEAK UP, loud and clear, NOW. I did but he never heard me...now he does.

It does sound like you've slipped into a parent/child relationship when what you're wanting is an adult to adult one. There is a book about relationships that describe them and discuss how to change them but I can't remember it's title.

Have you and your husband sat down and talked about how you feel? If not, that may help. He doesn't notice when things need to be done and so it does make sense that you point them out and ask for his help.

Perhaps it would help to write down specific tasks and divide them up. That way he would know that on Wed, for example, he'll fix dinner. Perhaps give him a male themed cook book for Christmas or even together plan a menu.

My son in law fixes dinner most nights. It does mean that my daughter has to accept his way of planning and fixing meals. His meals are not the healthiest but over time she has gradually taught him how to make them better balance. Taught him adult to adult. "I love for you to fix dinner! Here is an idea I'd like you to try." And over time have dinner time conversations about nutrition and good eating habits. My 11yo granddaughter has been taught nutrition and good habits at school and chimes in on the conversations.

I suggest that the key to sharing responsibilities is to plan out ahead of time what needs to be done, when, and who will do it.

After 10 years, I finally figured it out. My wishing he would think the way I would was never going to happen. He wasn't doing it to hurt me. He just wasn't doing it. I began asking for tasks to be done in a very concrete way . Not , could you do the dishes, but could you do the dishes, wipe the counter and drain the water! He actually encouraged me to write a list of chores for Saturday, because that kept him in charge of the order, and made me less of a task-master (nag). We also brainstormed which tasks he would take over. I also had to learn to not redo jobs or "rate" his performance! I wonder how he ever took that pressure! Now decades have passed and he so gets what I was looking for, and I'm afraid to say, I'm less attentive to things than I used to be! Perhaps this is what folks refer to as my "wedded bliss."

Ugh...that is frustrating.

I don't speak from experience. My hubby is more anal about things than even me and I am very organized and on top of it all when it comes to the home. I usually have to tell my husband...slow down..relax..the dishes can wait til' later. He ain't perfect but in this dept. he is such a huge help. But, he tells me also that he likes to help out so much because he sees me bust my arse as SAHM and wants to lift my burden. He is golden!!

I can see how unnerving it would be to work 11 hours and then be expected to come home and do all the domestic duties. That is not right!! But..you have been living a loooong time like this and created the environment you are in. Sorry..I am not saying this in a mean tone at all..just fact. You have picked up the slack for so long and now you are at breaking point...and had your fill. And you are full of resentment. That will eat at any ounce of "lovin' feeling" you have left in you. ANd...so you turn into his mommy/drill sergeant.

Maybe you take the route of holding family meeting. This does not need to be pointed at your husband but at the family in general. It is time for family teamwork!! Have your husband and you talk about the family meeting. You both come up with all the daily and weekly jobs that need to be accomplished around the house. Talk together about what the kids can do and what you two are willing to divide up. Then, bring in the kids and have YOUR HUSBAND take charge of the meeting...talk about what it takes to make a house function and that mom and dad have picked out jobs and now it is time for kids to pick jobs.

Yes...I would stay in the relationship under these circumstances. I personally don't see these frustrations as reason for divorce especially when you helped create it all these years. Sounds like you two are roommates living in the same house and hubby is getting the good end of the bargain..You are his wife,mother and housekeeper all in one. I would definitely look down on my husband if he acted this way...and it would be very hard to take him seriously as a husband. I know you have resentment...any woman/wife would.

I don't think there is a bootcamp. I don't think you are alone at all...there are many posts about this same issue.

Good luck and best wishes!!

I think men in general have a hard time "seeing" what needs to be done. What works for me and my husband is for me to tell him exactly what needs to be done. Yes, sometimes it does feel like I'm talking to a child, since he doesn't usually take the initiative, but I think it's more realizing that he has different priorities. He's always willing to help out when I ask with specifics. You can "assign chores" to an adult too! :)

My husband is also big on routine (for example, we "set" our routine so he is responsible for giving our older daughter her bath), so maybe "assigning" days he makes dinner would be easier for both of you. Then it's a set expectation and there are no "surprises."

As new things come up, you can talk about adding that to the list of responsibilities (yours or his). This doesn't mean there's no "helping out" when needed, but it's been a pretty good "starting place" for us.

S., could you sit down and have a talk with him about what would happen if you suddenly ended up in the hospital or if you died? What would he do? How would he cope? He never steps up to do anything without direction from you, so if you weren't there, he wouldn't be able to take care of himself, the house, or the family.

See how the conversation goes. If you approach it from that angle, maybe he would be willing to "learn". You could ask him to write a list of what he thinks it takes to run the home. Then have him try to do each thing on the list so that he can see what it's like. Then have him pick several things that you could use help with during the week.

You may never get him to step up without asking. But you could let go of some of the work because it isn't fair for you to have to do everything.

Dawn

I would start by asking him to take over dinner on the weeknights, since he gets home earlier. I would not make it into a big dramatic conversation or "family meeting" as some others have suggested. That will just make him defensive and he will shut down - that's just human nature. Do not accuse, do not talk about what he has or has not done in the past. Instead, go to him like you are reaching out for help....tell him you are overwhelmed and you need his help, it would really help you if he did dinner on the weeknights. Hopefully he will step up. When he does, remember not to micromanage or you will just end up back at square one. Him being in charge of dinner may mean pizza or takeout a couple times a week. It may mean meals without any sort of vegetable whatsoever. Make a cheerful suggestion once then let it go. If he comes to you saying he forgot to start dinner and isn't sure what to do, Say something like "I guess we'll have to get a pizza" and then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Once he has successfully taken over one aspect of home life, you can give him another one. Good luck!

Don't give up on your marriage. I think a lot of men operate this way. I think part of it is (1)the way they were reared, (2)an innate difference btwn men and women, and maybe also women's tendency to take over and run the household (and men willingly let us). No marriage is perfect. I know it can be tiresome, but I hope you won't break up your family over this issue. Maybe having some kind of a schedule/list of chores will help out.

Updated

Oh yea!

I agree with A.B.

My husband is very much the same way. We've been round and round about it.

After our daughter was born and nothing changed except my workload in the evenings, I flat out told him that I would not be feeding/watering the dogs any more. I was always the one to notice it, and then he would get upset if I noticed it but then asked him to take care of it.

I told him that I was dealing with June, and often dinner and cleaning, and taking care of the dogs was just something I wouldn't do anymore. I didn't tell him to do it (he resents that) I just told him I wasn't going to be handling it from that point on. I just couldn't worry about that with everything else on my plate.

Low and behold, he takes care of the dogs. Every now and then he will ask me to feed them, and I don't mind - but it's not my responsibility any longer.

Just give something up. Something that he would care about - if you didn't cook dinner, what would happen? He would feed himself somehow, right?

Your husband doesn't sound as resentful of being told/asked to do something as mine does, so you might be able to give him an on-going chore without pushback. Some men just need more direction than others. I still have to remind/ask my husband to take out the garbage on trash day...

I understand where you are coming from... my husband was the same for the most part. He would always help when I asked but.... I finally, had a sit down with him and told him how I felt about not getting any help around the house. I'm not sure what your situation is, but we both work so I told him that I need more help around the house. So for instance... now he takes the kids to school in the morning and we actually both pick them up, he does all the outside yard work and fixes the cars so for inside chores, i basically still ask him to do dishes or fix dinner if I run into work problems or have school work (i work from home and go to school). As for appt ect...as they come up we decide who will handle it and if it's him, I use cozi and I have his cell and email in there so I include him in the appt reminder. He receives both a text and email of the appt so he remembers. Basically, you have to sit down and figure out what each is better at doing or more willing to do.... I hate putting dishes away so he will do that and I will put them in the dishwasher... if I cook he cleans, if he cooks i clean.

I really had to explain how overwhellmed I felt and that I really needed help and that if I got the help, I would be happier and if I am happier everyone else would be too. I also, have a few chores both the kids like feeding and watering the animals.... taking out the trash and recyclables.

My only insights here are to have a sit down talk with him first, and then a "family meeting" with the kids. You don't mention how old your kids are but try this...

Explain that EVERYONE in the house needs to pull their weight. That their are going to be some new "house rules" like no tv or computer time until all homework and chores are done. That includes mom and dad too!

Maybe if you try approaching it from the angle that EVERYONE needs to help out, EVERYONE needs to fold laundry, clean up after dinner, etc. Then NO ONE gets to sit around watching tv.

Having the kids get in on the 'guilt' may help. Keeping the TV and computer off will really make a difference.

Maybe you need to really have a sit down talk with your husband that "things are changing". And if he doesn't get with the program then the boat may be leaving without him. Everyone has a different motivator - some people need ultimatums/some people "give up" when given an ultimatum, some people need to feel respected, loved and valued in order to give in return of themselves. The bottom line is you know him best. You need to decide how to motivate him...and if you're out of ideas, then maybe all you can do is say, "I'm done. I'm done taking care of you. I'm done doing it all. I'm done telling you what to do. You and I are adults and parents and we need to start doing things together. I am trying my best to take care of this family and frankly I'm exhausted." See what he says. Give him a chance to step up. If within a month you don't see major changes, then you may have to go back to a counselor or talk with him about getting a divorce.

I sincerely believe that yelling, nagging, putting people down (even tho what you say may be true) is going to be counterproductive, in any relationship. If you expect him to act like and adult, treat him like one. Make HIM do his laundry. Make HIM do things for himself. Not that you're "neglecting him", but that you get out of this mothering role.

Only YOU can decide to NOT be angry, NOT resent him and NOT be a mother to him. So do your best to be the adult, and expect the same of him. Let him know that he NEEDS to make dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays, that you WILL NOT. That Mondays are "leftover nights". And that if you lay out some simple rules, ONCE, then that's it.

Frustrating, yes. Reason to bail out, not even close. I think we all wish we had husbands that we didn't have to be so specific with about what we need whether it be with the housework or the kids or whatever. One really good resource is the "Marriage Encounter" or Retrouvaille programs that ARE sort of a communications boot camp for couples. Marriage is hard work and it's a commitment and a decision to stay with it and make it work for the long haul

Your hubby sounds like mine. He wasn't trying to be unhelpful - he's just a guy and one whose mother did everything and expected nothing from him growing up. So he thought things just magically happened. To combat the household duties/cleaning/cooking, child care stuff, I just made a chore list. His chores (daily, weekly), mine divided up and written on a list on the fridge. He actually appreciated this, because then I wasn't nagging at him all the time about how can he not tell dishes need done?! He was much happier to be told what was expected of him :p

As far as other things - appointments, birthday cards for friends/family, other random to-do stuff - I have yet to find something thats truly effective. Like you, I have tried to accept that I am the over funcitoner and he is the underfuncitoner. He only underfunctions because I overfunction and it's a vicious cycle. You could try letting things slide and have him see why it's important to remember to be on top of things, but if you're like me - that will end up driving you nuts. What we have resorted to is me remaining the person who is "mentally" in charge of all of life's little things but the difference is I have taken to list making liek crazy and it's now his job to check the list and help me get things done. I just had to let him know that he needs to work on our never-ending to-do list on a regular basis (it's even one of his "chores" to weekly check the random to do list and accomplish one thing.)

Do a chore chart. My friend who was a professor had one for each 2 week period of the kids. Dad was in charge of the little kids while overseeing the big kids doing their chores. He was responsible for starting dinner with the kids he had if the big kids did not have that as their chore those 2 weeks. There was a menu and the groceries were purchased and set aside. If he doesn't cook then when you get home and dinner isn't ready ask him what he's buying for dinner, do not fix something. Make him accountable. I would not be able to do what you do. He is a grown man. If he keeps forgetting then send a reminder message from the yahoo calendar to remind him to start dinner or do his part. But make it out and put it in writing. He should be starting dinner every night.

Oh, don't we despise feminism a little bit now? Ha ha ha! We took on the world but they didn't take on the domestics. So now we have our cake and eat it too - but it does not taste so good.

You are not alone. Yes, there are men out there who are amazing in all departments - I know a few - I said a few. The rest are closer to your husband's side of the spectrum.

You need to expect more from him. Don't sit down and talk about it - all men hate that. Do make a list of your things to do each day and show it to him. Tell him you'd really appreciate some help to get it all done because you are feeling overwhelmed.

You could always accidentally break the TV and lose his laptop charger cord...temporarily.

It may help to make a weekly household chore list - don't assign stuff. Just have it on display on the fridge so he can see what needs to be done and when - maybe you'll see stuff getting done in those two hours before you get home.

You may want to seriously consider his cooking skills and if they are sub-par right now, get a crock pot and familiarize yourself with how to cook all day so that when he comes home, all he has to do is prepare a little side dish. It will get better over time. I know that if I had my husband cooked daily we'd be eating mac n cheese with hotdogs most every night - yuck!

And this is the most important part - make sure he is rewarded - in the way you know he will most recognize your gratitude. You know what I'm saying.