Need Advice Now. . . - Newtown,CT

I read once to say, "he is very old and so so so much sicker than you or I have ever been." It's not perfect, I know, but it ay help. You want to help him feel safe and that especially is that YOU and HE are healthy.

We lost my MIL & BIL in a head-on collision almost 3 years ago. There was absolutely no preparing for that when it came to explaining to my 6 yr old niece at the time, nor my own 3. I just simply told the girls that no one knows when or how, but that people are called to be with God when He feels they're ready to be with Him...that yes, we'll miss them, but that they're able to keep watch over us as our own personal angels. I know some of the posters here won't agree with this, but it's worked wonders with us and has helped with the shock and lots of tears.

First of all, let me say that I'm sorry for your loss, as it seems inevitable. When my children's great-grandfather (whom they were very close to) died 18 months ago, my youngest was 5 years old. The way we explained it to her was that he became so very sick with ______(in our case, cancer) that it made his body stop working. We discussed all the things our bodies do...lungs breathe, heart moves blood, blood gives oxygen to our organs and muscles. This seemed to work for us. She was, of course, very sad, and didn't quite grasp the whole concept of not seeing him at the next birthday party, but she wasn't scared. This seemed to make sense to her. I would try to avoid phrases like...he went to sleep and didn't wake up, or anything that involves a normal activity.

Be honest.

We have been dealing with this for the past 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. Our son turned 2 the following day, and he's 4 now. He doesn't quite understand the permanency of death, but we're trying to explain it as a natural part of life. He asks a lot of questions, and we're doing our best to answer honestly.

He knows Mommy was really sick, that the doctors did a really good job of giving me medication that made me better. He also knows the mommy bear at the zoo died because she was too sick for the doctors to fix.

You can't go wrong with honesty and addressing his questions when they come-up. As far as the afterlife, that's really personal. Be honest with what you believe happens after someone passes away.

Don't be afraid to let him see your emotions, either. If you're torn-up about it, he'll begin to understand it's tears because of how important this uncle was in your life and how profound he affected you. You can help your son understand how memories of people can really be treasures and how important it is to always try to maintain great relationships because you just never know.

I have a feeling he'll end-up comforting you much more than you can imagine.

My condolences to your family for your possible loss - I hope he passes in peace.

I do not know how religious you are and how often you have taken you little one to church, but my son was that age when we started to go to church and we do not go as often as we would like. My Grandmas passed and we had to do the talk.

I told him like this: "Johnny" You know I love you right. YES. well you know God loves you right? YES. Well God just missed grandma and wanted her to spend time with him. He has shared her with us for so many years he wants to spend time with her too.

He really liked that. He did ask if God will be wanting me soon and I told him that God know he(Johnny) needs me right now so I will be here for a while longer. That made him happy.

Good Luck on the talk and MY DEAREST SYMPATHY for you and your family.

Hugs XOXOXOXOX

Children pick up on our reaction to things. The more upset that you are over this the more that he will be. He is quite young and will really not be very affected unless you make him think that he should be. I would just say that Uncle X has gone to heaven. If he asks questions-then answer. But don't expand and draw the discussion out. Especially since he barely knows him.

Sorry for your loss.

I had to deal with this last year when my son was 3.5 and my mother died. She was only 64 and it happened fast -from being at the beach with us in June to dying on Labor Day after being in the hospital for a week. He knew she was sick because she had a brain tumor and that made her act strangely, limited her mobility and vocal ability for several weeks before the surgery, but we were all hoping for a different outcome. I'm not a particularly religious person, but I do believe in an afterlife and I gave him a pretty traditional explanation:

I told him GiGi had gone to a special place called Heaven because she died. She was much sicker than we are when we have a cold or a stomach virus and the doctors really tried to make her better, but since they couldn't, she went to a place where she could be better. The only problem is that means we can't see her anymore, but she can see us and she loves to watch him play and grow. I let him know I was sad and I would be crying, but that's just because I missed her and wished I could talk to her in person. I told him he could think about her, send thoughts to her and we go to her grave, which I explained to him was "her special place." He has NO idea her body is there -I figured this could freak him out. He did NOT see her in a coffin either. I told him that Heaven is not in this world but way out beyond outer space and that to think of her grave kind of like the airport -it's the last place she went to "take off" and that it makes her happy to see the flowers we put there to remember her. He's fascinated with all the "taking off places" at the cemetery now!

Anyway -I know this is pretty detailed and maybe more in depth than you need to go since this is an uncle he's not necessarily that close to. I thought you might be able to take some points from it though. At their age, they do get death, but probably not the entirety that we do. I also feel that he will have plenty of time to form his own opinions about that afterlife, so I just wanted to give him a sweet and age appropriate one for now.OH -and as to worrying about others dying or grandparents -I told my son most people are VERY old when they die and that his other grandparents weren't going to die soon, but that they would someday before he did or I did (hopefully). He did ask me just the other month -out of the blue -when I was going to die (not in a mean way or anything -just curious), and I told him it will be a long long time -that while he thinks I'm old, I'm not THAT old!

Yesterday, I told my 2.5 year old that a child in our music class died. I don't know how much of it they understand at this age, but death isn't new to my daughter --three dogs we knew have died in the last year. I didn't think about not mentioning that he was very sick. I just told her the truth, "Evan was very sick and he died." If she then worries about sickness and death, then I will explain that some sickness can be healed, while others can't, kind of like how some toys can be fixed if they are broken while others can't be.

Keep your answers very simple. Kids only ask what they really want to
know. Uncle went to heaven. I would not go into what happens
after you die. Too young for something that intense. Simple. We will
miss him but remember the fun we had with him etc.

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Kids understand more than we think they do. Explain that most times when people get sick they get better. But sometimes - hardly ever - their sickness is so bad that they don't get better. Remind him more than a few times (repetition is so neccessary re: everything with kids) that most times when people get sick their body can heal itself or the doctor can help with medicine or maybe even an operation. But once in a while, hardly ever, they don't get better. Your child may have a lot of questions or hardly any - or may have more questions as the days go by and he internalizes it. Keep it simple. The "good" thing about this is that your child will learn about death in a situation that isn't so close / painful. Allow him to see his grandmother/grandmother be sad and cry - you can explain that's how we feel when someone who we loved dies and it's perfectly normal. When My former brother-in-law died I made a point of exposing my kids to the reality of his death, and brought them to the wake. My youngest was in kindergarten. They knew "Uncle BIll" although they weren't close - and they loved their cousins who had lost their father - so it was appropriate for them to be there. It was, for us, a learning experience about something that happens to everyone and something they would need to know about at some point in the future. Last year when their grandfather, whom they loved dearly, passed away after a brief illness, they knew what to expect, they were able to act appropriately, they were able to mourn and cry and be sad. I think you are doing a good thing in exposing your child to one of the things in life that's inevitable and showing him how you and your family deals with these things.

so sorry about your situation. when my son was only 2, my father died and they were extrememly close. i explained to him that Papa's body was very sick, and that his body gave up and sent his soul to heaven. you can change this around to fit your beliefs but this helped my son always understand what happened to his grandpa without sugar coating anything. i also explained as he got bigger and bigger that there are different types of sicknesses like having a cold or runny nose is easy to get rid of. some people have cancer, how it can be cured or sometimes it can't. i tackle his questions accordingly, but i never kept him from reality. why hide it? he is now a well rounded 2nd grader with a good grip on reality and what death is. good luck with the talk and blessings to you and yours.

I have done what Katy H has - explained that sometimes our bodies stop working.

dont know how religous you are maybe that can help say he went to see god never say he went to sleep.

I just dealt with this with my five year old twins. I talked to a parent coach about it. She told me to say something along the lines of: "Uncle XXXX was very sick. His body wasn't working. He couldn't eat, he couldn't walk, and he couldn't sit up. His body didn't work anymore." At this point, depending on your religious beliefs, you might want to throw something in about Heaven or whatever you believe. It is a good chance for you to give him your thoughts about your religion and what you believe happens after death. He might ask where your uncle is going and you can say something like: "No one knows for sure but what I believe is that his body and soul are two separate things. His body may have been sick, but his soul goes to Heaven ... . etc...."

I'm sorry about your impending loss...

Keep it simple. Death is simply a fact of life and kids are very accepting of what you tell them. I was 1 1/2 when my father died, so I always knew what death was and that it wasn't limited to old people or sick people. You don't have to mention that he's sick and at 4 years old, he probably does not realize the age difference between your uncle and your grandparents - to young kids, adults are just old! First just tell him that the uncle died (don't tell him beforehand to "prepare" him, don't know if you were thinking of it or not). Don't offer a why until or unless asked. If he does ask, I'd give the most basic answer possible - something was very wrong with his body that caused it to stop working. The fact is that you MAY be faced with difficult questions, such as "Will you and daddy ever die?" or "Do kids ever die?" and it will be difficult to deal with, but this is a part of parenting. My youngest was 5 when my mom died and he was pretty accepting without lots of questions and he didn't dwell on it.

I think you should tell you son that your uncles was very sick. Explain to your son that it was much much more than a cold, sore throat, ear infection, etc. (list the minor illnesses your son has had and tell him it was much worse than that). Does your uncle have cancer? If so, tell your son that. I would be truthful but explain to your son whatever your uncle has, it doesn't mean other people will die from it, that everyone's body is different and reacts differently to certain things. Explain to your son that he is a very healthy little boy, but his uncles is much older than him and got very, very sick. I think a book would definately help. You said you have no time for a book, but you do. You don't have to find one right away. You can wait a week or two after his death and then read it to him. Good luck.