Need Advice for Disciplining Two-year-old Who Hits Baby Sister!

I only have one child, but I can tell you he can be very aggressive. I know that if I put forth all my effort to praise all the good things he does we have a much better day.

My daughter was also not thrilled to have a younger sibling. I think she was feeling very jealous and threatened at the new addition to the family, whom she saw as a competitor, interloper, and a threat. It's hard for them to accept that you - mom - can have enough love for two. When they are intelligent I think they look for ways to assert their supremacy ("I was here first!"). Books and cozy cuddles are helpful, ("A Baby Sister For Francis" by Russell Hoban is an old classic and very funny!). Also, make her feel important by giving her jobs and helping with the baby, with lots of praise. I don't know if the rivalry gets any better, but with help she'll learn to manage it by being rewarded and recognized for being such a "good" big sister. Good luck!

I am the mother of 4 children ages 7, 5, 3, and 2 so I KNOW all about sibling rivalry!!! Here is where I think your mistake may be. The oldest does see the attention the youngest is getting and yes she DOES NOT like it. When she is in trouble for hitting her and the youngest is getting hugs and kisses, it is seting up the next time to be worse. She is tring to get attention, and even if it is negative attention, at least it is something. I know you love your kids equally that is what parents do, but you have to look at the situation from their eyes. They don't see things the same way. Our youngest needs us more than the older ones do. That makes it look to them that we WANT to spend more time with the youngest. Make time for the older daughter. Take just her to the store, have girl time when you paint her nails, stuff like that can make a huge difference. You have to reassure her that your love for her is no different than the youngest. Just a little something I have learned over the past 7 years =)

Check out Loveandlogic.com. Get the book or rent the video (your local school system may have it)

Consequences and are the best action. If the behavior is escalating, that's actually a good sign. It will ALWAYS get worse before it gets better. If you're doing something consistent and the behavior worsens, don't stop! If you do, it's only going to be even worse the next time you implement a behavior management plan.

If she hits her sister, just say "uh-oh" or "how sad" (and that's ALL you say, she knows it's wrong and she does it for attention and so you CAN"T give it to her because that reinforces the hitting behavior). Then remove her sister to another room with you and play there together. When your oldest comes in, tell her if she's ready to play nicely then she can join you. We make my son apologize to his sister also before he can play with us.

If relocating your youngest doesn't work for you. You can send your oldest to her room and tell her she can come out when she's ready to be nice.

If she throws a toy. Remove it FOREVER (or at least 'til she's forgotten about it and then you can discreetly put it back with her other toys. DOn't just put it in time out because she knows she'll get it back.

And then, like all the other moms said, spend time with her individually. Include her in helping take care of your younger one. Give her chores to do for her sister. Let her take on the helper/caretaker/big sister teacher role.

Good luck!
R. W.

It sounds like you have exhausted your efforts. Perhaps it's time to consider behavior counseling.

Mine are 22 mo apart, so I feel your pain!
For starters, try to make a special "mommy time" with your older daughter every day. You'll also want "mommy time" with the baby, but you should make sure the older child gets hers first. I would try to give my oldest her time in the morning -- maybe after breakfast when the baby was more likely to play contentedly by himself or in a playpen. Or do it during the baby's morning nap. A full half-hour of uninterrupted time with you could make a world of difference. Once your oldest gets used to the "mommy time" idea for herself, you can then explain to her when it's the baby's mommy time -- maybe let her watch a short video or play a computer game while you have time with the baby. As far as the hitting, I found that advice from the Super Nanny works like a charm:
First offense, say to the hitter "Hitting is not allowed. Please do not do it again."
Second offense (because she'll go right back and do it again, of course), "Hitting is not allowed. If you do it again, you will sit in time out."
Third offense, simply put the kid in time out and set your timer for 2 minutes. Say "You may get up when the timer beeps." When time out is over, the older child should apologize. You might also encourage her to think of nice things to do for her sister (i.e., say, "Hitting is very mean. We don't want to be mean to sister. Can you think of a way you can be nice to her instead?")
The key is limited talking/explanation, let your actions speak for you, and let the child have a chance to do some thinking about the situation.
Oh, and if she won't sit in time out, put her in her room and shut the door or put a baby gate up so she has to stay in there for the 2 minutes. The apology at the end is still expected.
You might get a lot of screaming and tantrum at first, but if you are doggedly consistent with your words and actions, very soon you should find that she quits the behavior altogether, or greatly reduces it.
Also, I've read up on a lot of parenting "help" books. The one I've found that seems to stand up above the rest for practical advice (especially for those of us dealing with a toddler...) is "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay.

I hear Supernanny is coming to town!

first off i LOVE supper nanny, she has really helped me with my 2 boys.
first, i agree with the others, your oldest is doing this because she needs one on one time with you. that is what needs to happen first.
second, you need to find her "achellies heel" (for lack of a better term) some kids don't respond to time outs (mine didn't) or spanking. sometimes you have to take something away from them that is important to them. for instance it may be the wiggles gutiar that she really values above all her other toys. when she hits baby sister that toy gets taken away. and tell her that to get it back she has to earn it back by being sweet with her sister for so many days, or whatever you deem appropriate. we did this with my older, and it took a while, towards the end his room was nearly empty (no toys) before he realized that he better stop acting ugly so he could get his toys back.
of course during this time there are no new toys purchased either.

good luck!

Maybe over consoling baby sister isn't thebest way to go I am thinking it sounds like big sister is not liking the attention the little one is getting and by over consoling the younger you might be putting the two against each other for ya'lls affection. As well as keep up with the time out and letting her know it isn't acceptable behavior to hit try maybe spending some alone time with just ya'll and big sis with out little sis it might be why whe is acting out like take a mommy and big sis shopping trip or something.

Yep, she's looking for your attention, any way she can get it. This does NOT mean you are in anyway neglecting her, but she just needs her parents all to herself once in a while!

What I've done with my 3 (all 2 yrs apart, 8,6, and almost 4) is make it a point to take ONE of them with me occasionally, even if it's only to the store. I make it my priority then to talk to them and point out how nice it is to have them all to myself... My daughter (the youngest) started doing this thing when her brothers would head off to the schoolbus, she'd close the front door with her face all lit up and do this little thing with her arms and say "Hey, mom, IT'S JUST THE GIRLS!!!!" She'll do it still today when she realizes it's just the two of us going somewhere or the boys are out with Dad. I eat it up!!

Help her recognize when it's just the two of you and that will help her appreciate the "specialness" of a simple trip to the cleaners!

Best wishes,
L.

Hi R.,
It sounds like you have your hands full. You almost have twins.
I'm sure your baby demands a lot of attention, and perhaps your two year old feels, (without understanding it of course) that the only way she can feel included is to do something to baby sister to get your attention. Of course, I don't know how things are at your home, I'm just remembering how it was with my babies. You might try letting her help with small chores with you. Like folding the babies clothes and putting them away, or helping with putting the groceries away, just some little chores. And when baby sister is asleep perhaps you can make sure you have some special time with the big sister before she lays down for a nap. I hope this problem gets better for you. I know, it's not easy being a mom at times. Be sure to enjoy them while they are small, they grow up so fast.

R.,

I found my 4 year old did the same to my 2 year old when he was younger. She would cry a lot and throw tantrums. My 2 year old was premature and was getting a lot of attention. I found spending quality time with my 4 year old helped. My husband took the baby and I would spend time with her, vice versa. We also talked with her a lot regarding expected behavior, how it hurts when someone hits you, and how to love each other. Sometimes, when she would throw a fit, I would just hold her, that's all she needed. We would talk and she would apologize. That's one thing we would always have her do. Apologize and kiss or hug him. This helped. She continues to talk things out better and he's learning by example. When they play too rough and he hurts her, he apologizes and hugs her. Then they giggle because the mood changes. Right now though, give her some personal time and I would suggest not leaving her alone with your baby. Have her go with you to the other room stating you need her help with something or "Come on, spend some time with me." This way, she's not hurting your baby and at the same time, she feels like you're baby isn't getting all the positive attention. I hope this helps a little! Good luck.

in my experience sometimes young children will feel neglected or jealous, sometimes after another sibling is introduced into the family. and unfortunately 2 years olds aren't known for their self restraint, and acting out is a means of getting attention. it is good that you are not rewarding her for this behavior and are taking away priveledges to teach her that this is unacceptable and that there are consequences to her actions. however, by lavishing the younger sibling as a means of deterring her, you may be making the problem worse. alot of this acting out is probably caused by jealousy, so doing something that will make her even more jealous may make her more likely to act out. when she hits or attempts to harm her younger sibling try firmly telling her "no, we do not hit. that hurts!" then put her in time out and if possible have your partner, or yourself remove the other child to another room to comfort her. this will give your child time to calm down and actually think about what she has done, and your simple explanation makes it very clear that you won't accept this and why. by comforting the younger child in another room, your older daughter should have time to think about what she has done, rather than being distracted by the attention her sister is receiving and feeling jealous and all that more prone to acting out.
i hope this can be of some use to you, good luck!

Dear R.,

Just wanted to recommend yet another book... : ) We have three boys, ages 18 months to 6 years. I've read & heard a lot that I guess I'd call behavior modification -- but Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp is a favorite of ours because it goes much deeper than that. We don't just want to change our children's outward behavior, but get down to the attitudes that flow from their hearts. Children catch on to receiving positives or negatives for their behavior, and will act accordingly (but perhaps their heart is not in it). But Shepherding a Child's Heart helps the parent to shape things at a deeper level. And of course, with that, actions change as well - but for the right reasons.

I hope you find the help you need!

R.

M. hernandez wrote:
> Well sounds like mine, I have 3 daughters all 3yrs. apart each and
one
> of them did this, it was like a process that I new was beening
> repeated so I had to come up with something. I sat with them - which
> you may think "yeah right they dont listen"- but believe it or not
> thats all they wnat you to do, sit with them ask them what it is that
> they want, and then tell them what you want, this is one of my rules-
> tell them after that that if they listen ,you listen! On the hitting,
> yeah I have seen it all from hitting to throwing and bitting and
> pinching EVERYTHING! When I got fed up with this I yelled at the top
> of my lungs and said STOP! and I had their attention - my girls are
> hyper and loud- I told them how that makes me feel. Tell you babies
> how that makes you sad - even do the lil water works- usaully when a
> child acts out on the other sbling its cause they think you love the
> other more so they feel jealous. Its like most women for instance, we
> wnat all of our mens attention for us so when we don't get it w act
> out, so think of it that way, tyr to give your babies a hug and kiss
> every second you get, then get to saying I love you all the time and
> get them to say it too, let them know that that is the only sibling
> they will have and they need to take care of it and they will never
> find another one like it. My girl s got the habit of coming up to me
> evry second of the day saying "mommy i love you, mommy I love you" at
> first I thought it was annoying but then I realized hey if this is
the
> only way to get them to stop fighting and take care of each other,
why
> not, and that way everyone feels loved, every second of thet day!
Well
> good luck and remeber, motherhood is a precoius time in our lives
that
> we get to enjoy once in a life time, and only you can mke the best of
> it for as long as you want. Children can feel onces energy so if you
> have a positive energy, your kids will too!
>
> */Mamasource <____@____.com>/* wrote:
>
>
> You have received the following request from another Mamasource
Mom!
>

we had a similar problem w/ hitting and aggressive behavior..

we were advised to up the positive reinforcement for the misbehaving child, catch them doing something right.. the older sibling may be feeling jealous of the attention the little sibling is receiving? or possibly needing some extra attention from mom and dad and this seems to be doing the trick?
the positive reinforcement helped, but also, making it a point to spend one on one quality time w/ the older sibling to make sure they feel mom and dad still love her and feel shes special too..
good luck! this is a hard one!

Hi Rachel!
I also have an aggressive child that is almost 2 years old. My husband and I do not know what to do either. We have tried everything; spanking, time out, taking toys away...you name it we have tried it. We are also very consistent, but that doesn't help either. I wish that I had some advice, but I mainly wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Until now, I have felt like my child is the only one who is sooo aggressive. If you get any advice please let me know, and I will do the same for you.

Thanks,
A. S.

Hi R.,
First I understand that you must be really frustrated with this situation. Your 28 month old is really having a difficult time sharing her life with a 10 month old sibling. When children are around 2 years old they are not emotionally or psycologically capable of understanding in a way that will be to your liking. Your 2 yr old is mad that she is not the center of the world and she has a daily reminder of that. But . . . she does need your compassion and love to get through this time in her life.
Your job is to never leave them alone together and help them by sitting with them as they play. They will need constant loving support and redirection with compassion. Your daughter cannot understand, "overly console our younger daughter (in the hopes that our older daughter wouldn't like the attention the younger one gets in the way of hugs and kisses, etc)."
This is going to be a very intensive time for you as a parent. Your children will learn only by your example.

Please consider that every time you place her on a "time out" while it may ultimately may alleviate the behavior it also separates you and your love from your daughter. When this happens to a person they then feel that loss and need to find another way to get your love back or they loose trust in themselves.

Our children view themselves through our eyes.
There is a great book by Alfie Kohn called "Unconditional Parenting" He also has a DVD by the same name that is fabulous. (This is NOT permissive parenting)

Here is an excerpt from one of his web sites: Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
This approach is considered contoversial since it flies in the face of the standard advice but if you have a willingness to open your heart and read this book or watch his DVD with the thought that children are just trying to get their needs meet while pleasing us it may change your relationship with your child and your own childhood. It has for me.
My children are almost 12 and 16 years old and I can honestly say that this type of parenting is harder for the parents at times but ultimately wonderful in what it helps you create with your children.
Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone. We all struggle at times but the effort you put in will pay off in time. Keep me posted on how things go.

Take care,
R.

Sorry R. I don't have any advice on your post, but I did want to ask you---any ahead of time advice for another mom having two 19 months apart?? Thanks!
R.

R.,

I can understand your concern...My two girls started serious fist fights around 4 and 1. My oldest daughter resented my youngest. We found that they needed one-on-one time away from each other. We would send on to my mothers and take the other on a special day...reverse the next week or two. It worked out wonderfully. My mother received quality time with each child as did we. They are 11 and 7 now and have a loving, caring relationship. They play with each other, hold hands while walking and care about each others feelings. More than I could have hoped for.

T.

Hi, you could try letting your husband take the 10 month old while you take your older daughter and spend "just me and Mommy" time together, and vice versa. Maybe she will see that you still love her just as much as always, and it's okay to let baby sister have some extra attention. I am a mom of 3 boys, and my husband and I try to each make special time for each child. Hope this helps!

just keep the mantra in your head "this too shall pass" good luck!

R.,

Consider trying the opposite of what you have been doing. What I mean by this is lavishing attention on the older daughter when she plays nice with her sister. I know we forget sometimes to catch them being good and loving them up but she really does want to please Momma. Her brain is not developed yet and she sees her sister as competition for resources (toys) and your time. She isn't old enough to reason that she is hurtful nor has she developed empathy yet. It is my opinion that time out with children that young is not effective. Keep modeling how to share and reward her for being loving. I promise it will work. Maybe you can have a special treat for good behavior like a stamp on the hand or a sticker on the refrigerator.
Best of luck to you and remember this too shall pass.