I need advice on dealing with some neighbor children. Our situation is that my husband works f/t, 6 days per week, afternoons/evenings. I work p/t, half of that time in my office and half at home. There is a family living behind our home which is originally from another country. They have three children, ages 9, 8 and 4, who love playing with my almost-five-year-old. They are the only children in our neighborhood that live close enough to play here frequently. The problem is that their own parents also work 6 days per week and do not come home until late at night. They are in the care of a grandfather all day, and really have no supervision, no one to teach them how to behave when visiting the homes of other people. While they are nice enough, one of the big problems is that they constantly ask for food when they are at our house. Evidently they snack all day, something we do NOT do in our home. I've explained several times that we don't buy snacks like cookies and crackers (we do have a little stash, but don't eat things like that regularly). They frequently ask for food just before our dinner time, and I've explained that my daughter cannot have a snack right before dinner, and that if everyone can't eat, then no one is eating. They eat later than we do, and used to come to ask if my daughter could play when I was getting her ready for bed. We have finally established that we start getting ready for dinner at 6:00, and my daughter cannot play after that time. Some days they come to our home several times a day, and bang on the door and ring the doorbell until they wake our baby up from her nap. I've also asked them several times not to bang/ring for extended periods, that we can hear them and that if they knock once, we will come to the door if we are able. My daughter does go play at their house, but they prefer to be at our house all the time, and I cannot supervise them with my work responsibilities. With my p/t work and my husband working all the time (and no family nearby to help), I have all I can do to keep up with the housework and take care of my children. It is important to me that my children have social interactions, but at this point I feel like I'm caring for the neighbor children, too (although I don't let them come play inside more than once a week). My mom believes they are really starved for attention, especially since the oldest is usually stuck to me when she's here and wants to help me with whatever I'm doing.
The latest issue, and my REAL question today, is that when they were here yesterday, the middle child told us her birthday is Monday (she's turning 8). She told us that she's not having a party because her mom said it's a waste of money. Later in the day, she told me that we could buy her present and bring it to her house Monday since she's not having a party. Then throughout the afternoon, she'd pick up different toys of my daughter's and ask, "can you buy me this for my birthday?" I feel badly for her, and know her parents would be mortified if they knew some of the children's behavior when they're here - evidently they are pretty strict WHEN they're home. I think I will buy a small present for her -- she is, after all, a child - but I don't like feeling obligated to take care of the neighbor children. I am the type of person who doesn't like to say "no" (although I have frequently told them "no"), who always worries about others and wants to make sure others are doing okay. I'm torn between doing what I think is the "right thing", and taking care of my family first. I know they eat well, and have plenty of toys, they are always well-groomed -- so there's no material lack in the home.
I recently found out that their father is in another state trying out a new job, and that he won't be home until Christmas. If he likes the job there better, they will move. One of the children has said that he doesn't like "English" people - I took that to mean English-speaking people - and that English is forbidden in their home. They are afraid the children will forget their native language if they speak English at home. (We are a bilingual family, I'm American and my husband is French - well, he got his American citizenship this year), but we understand multicultural/multilingual issues). One of the children also once said that their father doesn't understand why the three of them just couldn't play together (why do they want/need to play with my daughter). My daughter loves playing with them and asks all the time if she can. I've tried to meet the mom to discuss the situation, but whenever I do, the children tell me she's sleeping - small surprise with her work schedule - and grandpa speaks no English.
I know this is long, but it's such a complicated situation. I really want to do the right thing, and I would never want to hurt a child. What would you do? Any advice any of you can offer is much appreciated! Thank you so much!
I agree with Kelly B. You seem to be doing what you can, it just takes work to balance this type of thing.
K., I am not sure that I have any words of advise to offer, but I can pray for you as face these issues. I would like to remind you that Jesus Christ goes before us and prepares the way, even when it doesn't appear so at the time. May He shower his grace, mercy and love down upon you.
Here is what I can offer;when I was a small child, close in age to your daughter, my mother faced a similar situation. At the time, I did not realize how stressfull the situation was for her, but now as a mother to my own children, I can reflect back on that experience. What I learned from her example was that my mother consistently remained firm on our house rules, but always made the children feel loved and wanted whenever they were in our home,just like she did for me and my siblings. At a time in my life when I was feeling some frustrations about the kids my son was playing with, how they were always at our home, my mother reminded me of the time when she had "extra" kids in her home. What she had to say about those time was this; "If I could provide for the children something that they felt lacking in their world, then Christ has used my talents as He sees best." I will never know how affected those children were, but I do know how affected I was by her willingness to be "a loving parent " to any and all. I will conclude with the Golden Rule, " Do unto others as you would have them to do unto you."
it looks like you have received a lot of advice already, but I thought I would throw in my .02.
While you probably don't easily recognize it - you are offering the kids something they are missing at home-- and that is the language. The children aren't getting English much at home and are probably eager to use it in any way they can.
It is perfectly w/in your rights to set boundaries. And keep in mind that kids have all sorts of rules etc. that sometimes go out the window when they leave their yard. (Lots of kids ask for food---I think they just want to check out other people's stuff. My problem is our neighbors share food - things I don't allow my kids to have)
I really like the stop sign suggestion. It may take a while for them to figure it out. Just keep reminding them. (our doorbell makes the dog bark---I had to make signs for when the baby was asleep so that she wasn't constantly woken up.)
I am going to guess that you won't get far with talking to the adults in the house-- and if you do it is likely their response will be to just forbid their kids from coming over.
Decide what you are comfortable with and keep telling yourself those choices are fine.
If you want to buy a gift for the neighbor girl - go ahead. Don't let her 'seeking' prevent it. My guess is that she really is sad that she isn't getting b-day attention that other children get. (Our neighor invites kids to her 'party' -- though there isn't one - which creates quite a bit of confusion..) She may have very different 'things' at her house than at yours too.
And if all else fails you can always fantasize about them moving and the 'perfect' neighbors moving in...You know kids the right ages to play with yours-- who extend invites to play- who have safe play areas, discipline the same as you, don't bother you when you are busy etc....(completely unrealistic- but hey a girl can have a fantasy can't she?)
My only response is that I'm wondering why you let your daughter go to their house if the grandpa obviously doesn't supervise his grandkids. And he doesn't speak English, so your daughter wouldn't be able to understand everything he says. Have you even been in their house to see what it's like? I'm just assumming no, since you haven't talked with the parents or grandpa. My advice is to keep your daughter at your house. And the limits are up to you for the other kids. Your child's safety must come first.
Well I probably won't be popular by saying this. But I'd cut all ties completely. I can't stand people that take advantage and that's what they are doing and they are teaching their children to do the same.
If I were you I'd go to the parents and say that the children are coming over so often that it feels like you should be charging them for full-time childcare services.
I have a neighbor family in the neighborhood that started coming over the very first week we moved in. I told them from the start that I'm not social at all and that I like my privacy. I told them that I'm too busy to entertain people and that my kids aren't allowed to go to other peoples houses. I am SOOOO glad I established these bounderies right from the start. These people live very trashy, neglect their kids and have been turned into welfare recently. They simply are not our kind of people.
I work at home too with my daycare and it's pretty easy to blame my stance on the fact that the state is strict about how many people can be in my house. I am open 7 days per week 24 hours per day as well. We really do not entertain anyone.
This situation can not work out well for you no matter what. That is, unless you are willing to consider it a Christian service.
I have a rule I live by. I never lend anything. It's too hard to expect something back and then not be resentful when it doesn't. So if I give away my time or posessions or money I expect it to leave and never come back. I choose my places to donate my resources to. I much prefer to donate to people and places I don't know. That way I avoid the temptation to be judgmental or worry how they are using those resources.
You are under NO obligation to care for these kids. It sounds like you have taken Christian Charity way too far and these people would let you do more and more and more without ever checking with you to see how you feel about it.
Suzi
I wouldn't let any child, no matter the age, come into my home without meeting the parents first. If the children keep saying the mother is sleeping, you could ask when the parents leave for work? When they get up? That way you can stop by when you think the parent would be up. Or if all else fails, I would write a letter to the parents asking if they can meet with you at their convenience (even if it is a phone call on their lunch break). I would think it is a safety issue if there is a language barrier between you and the grandfather in the event something may happen at your house, and you would have to speak with the parents. I know there are some things I wouldn't want a child to translate in the event of an emergency.
When you do allow them in your home, and they do ask for snacks, just politely say "it's rude to ask when your in someone else's home, if I decide its time for a snack, I will be happy to share and I will let you know." I had to do this a lot with my friends' kids as they got older. It took awhile but they will learn. Your house may be the only house they get to go to, and they are still young and may not know that people have different ways of doing things. They will have to learn that in other environments that things are considered rude...asking for presents, snacks, etc.
As for coming over all the time, you can make a stop sign to put on the door or in a window that they can check to see if it is up so they know whether or not they should knock. If the sign is up, you are unavailable, if not they are allowed to play.
It's your home, and you can make the rules however you want to.
I would say that atleast it is a good thing that they have not had any mean/ aggressive/ inappropriate behavior towards your daughter, and sounds like they are probably pretty nice for her to have around. It is annoying when you have other people's children around all the time though, and much of their normal child-like behavior does start to come off as rudeness then. You obviously don't want to lose them as playmate for your daughter completely, but I think it is perfectly fine for you to set strict limits on when they are allowed to come play, and I'm surprised you haven't already since they are waking your baby. Maybe try saying that they are only allowed to come visit at certain times of the day, and maybe even that one or two days a week (tell them which) are "family only" days and that they are not to come by on those days. It sounds as though the mom isn't real interested in getting to know you, which even though she's busy, is still strange given the amount of time her kids spend with you. She probably is planning to move soon, and chances are you'll miss the kids once they're gone, so I think it's great you have been as nice as you have and it seems the kids must think a lot of you. It's always good to be a positive influence in the life of a child... but you are in charge of setting the limits.
I'm not very sure what you're asking, or what this "right thing" is you keep talking about...It sounds to me like you are doing all you can. The only thing you have power over is setting the limits in your house. If the children are not neglected then there is nothing else you can do. If the right thing is getting the girl a present, what's the harm in getting a small present? It might open up some communication with their parents, maybe.
I can relate to what you're going through except I don't have the language barrier to deal with. I think you just need to hear that you are doing the right thing. You have to establish boundaries and you are doing just that. Keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about feeling guilty about it. Its OK to say "no."
