Need Advice as to Handling In-laws and Their Breakup (Long)

In situations like that, I just think to myself "what kind of relationship do I want w/my FIL next year? in 5 yrs? in 10 yrs?". That helps me dictate how much I hold back vs how much I spend time w/him...and how I spend time w/him. (all hypothetical...my own FIL passed away a few yrs ago).

Drama dies down eventually. When the dust settles (no matter how long it takes), I'd like for my family to see I am one of the people standing beside them.

I get the distinct feeling from the tone of your "question" that you don't blame your FIL for leaving your MIL and in fact you do blame your MIL. For the one being cheated on, your MIL is getting an awful lot of bitterness hurled at her because she appeared from the outside to be difficult to live with and for how she's handling having been cheated on and abandoned after 37 years of marriage.

Everyone SHOULD be angry with your FIL. What he did is disgusting. He didn't just do it to his wife. He did it to his family. Just because he stuck things out until now for all of these years and you believe that there's more fault with your MIL than your FIL for whatever negatives there were in their marriage, you need to remind yourself that you live on the outside of their marriage. The only people who know exactly what went on are the two of them and it's not fair of you to judge not only her, but their marriage and what you perceive her faults to be.

Frankly I think that her forwarding his e-mails? is him getting off easily. What's he doing e-mailing her anyway? He should only be contacting her through their lawyers.

Perhaps she's sharing with them so that he has some accountability that he didn't have before and doesn't have at all unless she expands the circle of support. Perhaps she needs some empathy, which she clearly needs and is not getting from you.

It's not your business at all to tell your FIL a single thing. Just don't do it. You don't have the right to do it. If your husband decides on his own or any of the other siblings, fine, but don't push any of them to do it. Sorry, but your FIL sounds like a sleazeball. He doesn't deserve any consideration right now. Stay out of it.

EDITED TO ADD: I just saw your "what happened" and I have to say "Whoa, how inappropriate." Your husband is livid with his father and won't talk to him, but you wish to reach out to FIL with an olive branch? No, or you'll be betraying your husband. As I said before, your FIL didn't just cheat on your MIL but the entire family. It was a huge betrayal not just to her and she's justified and so is everyone else to be angry with him for acting like a horny teenager. You have no business going to him unless you have your husband's blessing.

Not condoning what FIL did-I think he hung in there like a champ. It's sad, but marriages end-and children who grow up with extended families-grandparents, etc., are less likely to commit suicide-they need to be around people who have lived a long time-and been through a lot. He raised three step children? Um-hero. I hope everyone can get over their anger and dissappointment-and move on.

You need to stay out of it. Be Switzerland.
Allow everyone to see the children.
Do not discuss any of it with the children or within their earshot. Do not discuss any of it with anyone... it's not your business nor is any of it your problem.
LBC

My gut says stay out of it, however, your husband might want to tell him to cool it with emails & to not engage her. She is very angry right now (with good reason) & should not be egged on with back & forth stuff that only makes matters worse. Nothing will be solved with he said, she said...

It's always hard when something like this happens. I would stay completely out of it, and if the subject is brought up, just tell them that you prefer not to discuss it, that it makes you uncomfortable. Looks like both of them would benefit from counseling. If emails are being sent, don't read them. Your MIL is what I call attention seeking. Sending emails is very inappropriate, and not at all helpful to anyone. While your FIL did make an irresponsible decision, I don't believe he is entirely at fault. Their seems to be years of issues between them. They both need to go on with their lives. I would continue to be of support to both of them, but do not feed into any of the drama. It's not worth it for you or for your family.

How would you respond if your husband of 37 years cheated on you and then decided he wanted to leave?

Have some grace on your MIL. Mabey you can gently explain to her that throwing dirty laundry around isn't helping HER.

*Edit, don't go behind your husband's back to extend any olive branches to your FIL. That's a can of worms that you don't want to open!

It does sound like you are taking sides against your MIL. Mommee, who posted below, made an excellent point, why is your FIL emailing her and fueling the fire? Don't lay every bit of blame on your MIL.

I have not read any other answers here. So let me start with she must be an older women. Who is dramatic anyway, how devastating this is for her. I mean at this late time in her life he leaves her for another women whom he has been cheating with. Her children are her family, and if she wants to rag on him because she is so hurt then she has every right to. Even to her own children she does. Now she is alone, no husband......no one. .......37 years of marriage gone. You may love him but he is a cheater who is the one who should have grown up and be a mature person. If he did not love and want to be with her he should have done it in a different manner. He is a deceitful. I say give her a break and let time heal her. This is a horrible time in her life.......its like a death to her. She needs understanding and guidance.
The only thing is that I would not allow anything to be said to the grandchildren or around them. He is still the grandfather and they love him.
good luck

wow, she sounds like my grandma :). i would have your husband call and tell him what your MIL is doing. You are completely right that it is between the two of them. It would be like you and your husband having these issues and one of you sharing your emails with the rest of the family. not cool. as you've said, it's never right to cheat, he should have left her before getting together with his sweetheart, however your MIL is not doing the right thing either.

This happened to my parents (40yrs married) 4 yrs ago, and my brother in laws last year, my best friends parents last year. So here is my advice. One, your mil, no matter how nuts, crazy, bird brained, etc is going to go through a very rough time. Regardless of how good or bad their marraige was, there was a life built together where she probably had someone to do things with, watch grandkids grow, etc. She has had her trust violated. I'd keep that in mind, and that you have never gone through that.
Second, my dad was a wonderful dad. But the fact is they did a dishonerable thing instead of just being straight outside the marraige. Then he wanted us to be happy for him with the other woman.... Yeah right. There is no way on earth that would happen.I heard all the details from my mom, my brother chose to stonewall her... Both are fine, just tell her face to face.
So I'd recommend some things. One, your husband should have a serious talk with each of his parents that is uncomfortable. I had to tell my dad to his face that I will not bring my kids around the woman. But I told my mom I was attempting to salvage a relationship with him. What does your hsband want?

Its called delete with the emails.... Don't open them. And tell her not to send them. And tell her to go see someone to vent.... My mom did

You need to be supportive of your husband. My brother in law wa so stressed during the first year he got shingles 1st time, gallbladder failure, and has to see someone. Its very stressful. And I know he feels his wife is only so so supportive. It will cause stress in your marraige reagrdless pof how nice you are. Your holidays will suck.. But make an effort to do things with both sides for each holiday for a year. My sil grumped about that and it caused major friction.

Updated

This happened to my parents (40yrs married) 4 yrs ago, and my brother in laws last year, my best friends parents last year. So here is my advice. One, your mil, no matter how nuts, crazy, bird brained, etc is going to go through a very rough time. Regardless of how good or bad their marraige was, there was a life built together where she probably had someone to do things with, watch grandkids grow, etc. She has had her trust violated. I'd keep that in mind, and that you have never gone through that.
Second, my dad was a wonderful dad. But the fact is they did a dishonerable thing instead of just being straight outside the marraige. Then he wanted us to be happy for him with the other woman.... Yeah right. There is no way on earth that would happen.I heard all the details from my mom, my brother chose to stonewall her... Both are fine, just tell her face to face.
So I'd recommend some things. One, your husband should have a serious talk with each of his parents that is uncomfortable. I had to tell my dad to his face that I will not bring my kids around the woman. But I told my mom I was attempting to salvage a relationship with him. What does your hsband want?

Its called delete with the emails.... Don't open them. And tell her not to send them. And tell her to go see someone to vent.... My mom did

You need to be supportive of your husband. My brother in law wa so stressed during the first year he got shingles 1st time, gallbladder failure, and has to see someone. Its very stressful. And I know he feels his wife is only so so supportive. It will cause stress in your marraige reagrdless pof how nice you are. Your holidays will suck.. But make an effort to do things with both sides for each holiday for a year. My sil grumped about that and it caused major friction.

Updated

I saw your update as well... I would only talk to your fil if your husband wants you to. Encourage him to start talking to his dad. But don't go behind his back. Also. You seem nice... My mom is a wonderfukl, unselfish person. But I would say that first year she was not eating, not sleeping, crying all of the time, talking about it all the time, very self centered, etc... She said something and I love my dad and our relationship is fine now, but she said it would have been easier for her as a widow. And I get that. She has to be in the same city, alone... Share her holidays, miss out on some things even though we try, depending on money situations they may have to work again. Her healthcare bc she's not old enough for medicare, is expensive....

So talk w your husband. Be on the same page. You guys have atleast one year of rough, and my husband seriously did not like how my mom handled things, but I neve told her that stuff and he willinglyy supported me with my parents.
I am eternally grateful to him for it, bc I've seen where the spouse is not supportive.

Definitely stay out of it. He sounds like a great guy, but when you get down to it, was it so hard to separate BEFORE being unfaithful? Yes, your MIL sounds like a handful and he sounds like a good guy… on everything EXCEPT this point. Any decent person would have moved out, separated, BEFORE committing adultery.

I agree with you that your children should not be punished. It does sound like your MIL needs help. She should be going to therapy… I would encourage your husband to encourage this…

Best of luck!