Need Advice About Dealing with Marriage Issue

Sounds kinda familiar to me....

My ex worked...retired Air-force...but didn't want to get involved in anything but what interested him. He admits...since our divorce...he knew he had responsibilities but it was much easier for him to put the responsibility of raising our sons, taking them to church, school activities...on my shoulders. I was the stay at home parent, homeschooling three sons. After I got a job, that became an issue because I was giving to much in other places and not at home..for him! My ex liked his comfort zone too much to be apart of the relationships...he's all by himself now! He was always telling me I needed to understand he had problems, he didn't feel loved, I gave to much to others and not enough to him...it was my responsibility to make him feel loved.

I personally think that it doesn't matter what excuse is used for a person not to get involved... some people refuse to be accountable, uninvolved, and there will always be a reason.

I'm not suggesting you leave him...I am saying he's in his comfort zone! You've taken on the responsibilities...why should he get involved...in anything. Eventually you will grow tired of the noncommitment and something will happen.

I guess I look at the responses you have gotten and the situation you discussed,differently. I'm not so quick to say it's the meds. What's the nutrition like, what's his desire to accomplish anything for himself like. Was he like this before the meds? Lot's of things to look at. My response is just a different outlook on a lack of commitment!

After 21.5 years...of putting up with my situation, I am on my own...since end of 2001...and I am happy and do what I want..like you, I am working on my own business. He's now living on his retirement...doing nothing!

Good luck to you! If you would like, you can get to know more about me at www.agingyounger.net or
www.myspace.com/kat_aging_younger

Have an awesome day girl! ....KAT

I can tell you from personal experience, doing ANYTHING while on antidepression meds is pretty unlikely. They change your mood and your brain chemistry. Oftentimes they turn off feelings and are a coping mechanism.
If he has never had the drive to do things in his life in the past, I am not sure you can expect him to do them now.
Does he earn enough or is he upset about not having the drive or is it "your problem" so to speak? In counsling, they often will say, "who owns the problem" -- this one sounds like his really. But if he hates his job, then he is the one who needs to do something about it. I have a guy who hates his and been there 8 years and I don't see him leaving but again, it is his thing not mine. I know that may sound harsh but I just don't think you have that kind of control over another person's motivations, especially when that person is on medications. Just my experience....
L.

I wish I had some advice for you. I really don't. Sadly, we can never change anyone else. If you try, they will only resent it.

Maybe you should try reading some books on being an effective leader. Try learning some subtle techniques that will help him to feel better about himself and make him think it's his idea. I'm not sure telling him to get up and get busy will come off like anything other than nagging :)

What kind of business is this? If it's a selling business or some type of mlm, he may have changed his mind about the business or feel like it's not for him.

Suzi

I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone--your husband has to want to change. My husband comes from a family of non-motivated people, and it's very difficult for me to deal with, since my family are all over-achievers! Luckily, DH realizes that ambition is not a bad thing, so he wants to raise our son with goals and dreams, not just floating through life like DH & his brothers. That's the good side! Unfortunately, all I can do to help DH change little by little is to remind him of his desires for our son, and that DS needs to see his daddy do things to better himself. Would that help at all? Can you use your dreams for your children to help your husband? It's the best idea I have! It only works a little, and only for a little while, here at my house, but it helps. Good luck!

Hi T.~
I don't want to start out on a "bad" note, but my ex-husband was a very intelligent,creative artist-type. (that was the basic first attraction) But, he had a chronic problem of being "underemployed", not working up to his potential,too. The real positive is your husband is on anti-depression meds. Maybe he should contact a counselor, and get tested for adult ADD. Maybe he needs to get some counseling on new career options. Find a new passion. Maybe that is a factor. My point is: No, you can't force a person to be any different than they are. Either accept that fact and be happy with your own pursuits in life.(The Serenity Prayer is a life saver for me! makes things very clear!) My ex had a real problem using the computer/gaming as an escape......spent endless hours tuning US out. I hope that this gets resolved for you, as you wish. I know that the day came when I added up all the pluses and minuses and made a big change FOR ME IN MY LIFE! No, divorce had not been a word in my vocabulary before, but being happy, and content was. My ex had morphed into a person that no longer had a vision of creating a content life. No social life. It was like being married to Van Gogh. He was a talented painter and photographer...didn't cut off his ear! It was painfull for me to "know" and "see" his talents go to waste. What good is it to be smart,talented & creative if you never share it with the world. It was smothering. I pray that you are not in the same situation! God Bless you and your husband.

Hi, I understand, my husband is very intelligent too. It seems the more intelligent they are the easier it is for depression to take hold. He may be feeling like a failure because of the success he sees in your business life. Do what you can to love and encourage but don't push. Pushing tends to drive them deeper into depression. (That has been my experience.) Good luck and God Bless!

There isn't anything you can do. He has to want to change.

Please try counseling, it might help. And if you are religious, try praying. A book I recommend and loved was "Power of a Praying Wife" Stormie Omaratian

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying-Wife-Stormie-Omartian...

My husband has gone through similar issues. He is very smart and creative and easily gets depressed. He wants to do it all and when he realizes he cannot he feels powerless and thus does not feel like accomplishing anything. My advice is to support him. Talk to him about what he wants to do. What are his goals? Try to encourage him and always be his biggest fan. I know that sounds corny but men like this easily get down as we've already established and they need a strong support system. However, in the end, it is up to him. You cannot force him to do a darn thing. Maybe counseling will help him. I hope something works! Good luck!

Has he considered a second opinion on the depression to explore the possibility of ADD?

I guess I can identify with your husband somewhat. I'm on meds for depression, too. Yeah, they helped with mood but I still had no motivation to get anything other than the essentials in my life done - and I was re-defining essentials to make it less and less. My son's psychiatrist (who was essentially seeing me "at work" when I was bringing the kids in) suggested to me that I may have ADD. I said no way - I was good in school blah blah blah. Well, I started seeing her instead of my old psychiatrist, and she did diagnose me with ADD and PTSD. She said that yes I did well in school because I was too scared of my dad to allow myself to fail. And once I got to a level where I actually had to STUDY, I did have more trouble. So - I am now on a blend of 2 different anti-depressants, as well as a stimulant for the ADD. I can focus better, and am more motivated to get up and go. And I've lost 20 lbs in 5 months without even trying. (one side effect that is definitely a plus)

T.,

You define your husband as "stuck" in what seems to be an unhappy situation. Have you talked to him about your concerns? I see you stated that he is taking medication for his depression, but is he going to any type of counseling? Perhaps individual (for him) and couples therapy could help your marriage.

Good luck!
Anngie

Hi T.,
I agree with Elizabeth S. My family too is a group of over-achievers both my mother and father have PhDs and I am nearly finished with my masters, but my husband never attended college.

Like everyone has said of their spouses, "he's very intelligent." The underlying key is that men think differently than women. My husband in particular has been in the same job for over 10 years. He doesn't particularly enjoy it, but he stays anyway. I finally asked him why and it�s because he's "comfortable there� has a good relationship with his boss and gets so much vacation a year"...he knows how the company works. Predictability is a comfort zone for him along with routine. He also hopes that one day the company will reward him for his longevity and finally give him that promotion he justly deserves. But day-to-day, he just looks at it like a job, nothing more.

For me, I need change and I am so involved in what I do that everything is personal. If I were unhappy I would be looking for a new job, comfort level doesn't really play into it for me as much. I have to have personal buy-into everything I am doing. I have to buy into the whole concept of a company or I am uncomfortable. I have the notion that I can always do better and be better so it keeps me working at a different pace than perhaps my husband.

It used to bother me that we were so different professionally, and occasionally it still does (you know, when big hospital bills come in, etc.). But the truth is, I love my husband and I just have to accept that we are very different when it comes to our careers. (And I can only imagine that the same is true for my husband; I am sure he can be somewhat annoyed by the fact that I am such a go getter sometimes, its only natural for two different people to have two different perspectives.)