OK, after posting the below entry, I realized what I really am struggling with is teh fact that, illogical as it is, I actually feel kind of betrayed by my husband for being depressed. When I met him, he helped me to stop enabling my mom and sister and now HE'S the one who's causing me all of this grief he helped me get away from! I'm angry and I know I shouldn't be angry and that just makes me angrier b/c my entire life, I've been the "healthy" person having to give up so much for the people who can't help themselves. I know it's not his fault but how do I stop from feeling this way?? My mom and my sister really did a number on me and I just can't go through this again. I'm so frustrated right now. :(
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Hi all, I'm writing here to vent and to hopefully get some helpful suggestions. My husband and I unexpectedly got pregnant about 3 years ago. We were on the verge of getting engaged when we found out so we just got married in the courthouse and had our son. He had just retired from the police dept due to back problems and he tried to look for another job but given the economy and the lack of relevant work experience, he has been unemployed ever since. Ever since we found out about the pregnancy, my husband became (understandably) very stressed about finances and the lack of his freedom to do the things he loves. Once we had our son, it got worse given the lack of sleep and the big burden on our finances but then it got a lot better. Now, it's kind of bad again. He gets agitated extremely easily and I know that that's a sign of depression in men (not the weeping spells that women go through). He told me last night that he feels bad that I have to go through this with him and that he doesn't understand why he can't just adjust to fatherhood and the effect it has on time and finances. He loves our son and is a great father and very involved but he just can't adjust. It's been over 2 years and I'm so incredibly sad/scared that he's been feeling like this all this time. As I've said, he's been very involved with our son so I had no idea he was still struggling so much. I'm thinking he's depressed from the extended unemployment, financial stress, unexpected pregnancy, etc. I just don't know how to help him.... I've been saddled with a mom who's schizo and a nonfunctional sister with ocd so I've already used up so many of my resources and am still feeling burnt out from that experience. When I got together with my husband, he was so .... solid for the lack of a better word. I can't believe I might be in this situation again where I'm stuck helping a loved one battle a mental disorder. So I'm feeling sorry for myself too. I just feel so burnt out and tired and sad. Please any wisdom or advice? Thanks everyone...
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I would be mad if my husband was depressed and not doing anything to try to make things better, it can be difficult finding the right prescription but he needs to do everything he can to be a father and husband. He needs to be going to counseling. Is he doing these things??
How about counseling? I know you said about the $$ but it sounds like you can't afford to go without help indefinitely. Are you religious? Try to talk and get some direction from a Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Mentoring couple or some spirtual leader about these issues. Is he on medication? Are you working? Do you have a reasonable budget in place so you both feel confident you know where the money is going. I know its a stressful time and I can relate to that piece of it.
Get him to the Dr. He can take steps to help his depression,. It is true, extended unemployment can cause depression. Counseling would benefit him, perhaps even anti-depression meds.
He needs to get some kind of work, even if it's delivering pizzas, or being a volunteer at the Red Cross or stocking shelves at WalMart. He could attend a local community college for a 1-2 year certification/degree. The longer he goes without a job, the harder it will be for him to get one, b/c employers will think, "what has he been doing with his time?" But, a job, even a simple one like those I mentioned, he can explain that b/c work is so scarce right now, he had to do what he could for his family, but he is looking forward to getting back into the industry of choice. Employers understand that. This is advice given to us by professional career counselors in getting people back into the workforce.
In the meantime, be sure he is on a good routine, getting excersize, networking. Have him take St, Johns Wort, it is very helpful. Also, eating a handful of cashews a day helps with depression. It has been proven by a PhD's studies in depression/nutrition. Have him start networking at your local city council and attending the Chamber of Commerce networking meetings. Networking is one of the only ways people are getting hired! Have him start a linked in profile and look for contacts he has worked with and can refer him.
Here is a great article on how to survive unemployment:
https://www.ldsjobs.org/Static%20Files/ERS/Surviving_Unem...
Also, my church offers free career counseling to anyone, regardless of religion. They help with interview skills, resume writing, power statements, networking... It would benefit him greatly to get this kind of help.There is plenty of information and tips on the website, but going down and doing the workshop he will get one on on help. Info here:
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/ct/stakes---wards.jsf?name=th...
find a center here:
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/center/find_center.jsf
great tips to get hired;
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/ct/stakes---wards.jsf?name=jo...
As for your mom and sister, set boundaries. Heal yourself
My husband Has severe depression. He is going through a very bad bout now. It is like he has died. I have to sell our business and get all our affairs in order. I also have to change my children's school because he will no longer work. I am so tired of it. It is not fair, and quite honestly, this man is ruining our lives. I have taken him to doctors and psychiatrists, but I do not think that there is a final cure. If you are like me, it is time to pull your big girl pants on, and carry on for yourself and your children. He is an adult and perhaps, after all this struggle focusing on him, you should let him find his own way. Look after yourself and your children. Make a plan to go forward with or without him. Get support for yourself from friends and families. I'm sure I still love my husband in there somewhere, but his depression is making it very difficult to remember where. Best of luck to you.
You could both benefit from counseling. And there are good medications for the depression. Don't give up on him! That you are strong is a blessing to those around you. [hugs]
I would think he is more depressed about not having a job then you getting pregnant. Last time I checked, it takes two to tango so to speak! You didn't just get preggers on your own. Call Agape. It is a Christan based counseling group and you pay according to your ability. If you have insurance look and see if there is a EAP. Employee Assistance Program. If he retired from the PD then he should have something.
If he is more depressed over the fact that you got preggers then he needs to put his big boy pants on and get over it. You aren't the first to have an unplanned pregnancy and I'm sure you won't be the last. Its how you deal with it that makes the person.
I wish you luck and peace.
You shouldn't feel badly about being mad. You're just feeling mad because its affecting your life in a negative way. In my opinion, if he's really working on his depression and getting better then I can see being supportive. But if they're making no genuine effort to "get better" and you feel negatively about it, you need to make a change.
I watched my mother in law stick with a severely depressed husband for 10 plus years. It continued to worsen until she was missing family Christmas celebrations and missing out on her whole life really because she had to sit in a chair as miserable as he was. He manipulated her into this and also she felt so guilty about it that she let it continue. She thought she married him this way and "he's sick" so she shouldn't hold it against him. Eventually, enough was enough (long story) and she left him. This was an eye opener for him I guess and he's now doing great. It just goes to show he needed a little push I guess.
Only you know what's right in your situation, but just be warned that these situations can get out of control.
Take him to the doctor, if you haven't already. Yes, he does have some legitimate reasons to be depressed (being out of work for so long, with the attendant self-worth issues that may cause, and financial stress), however his inability to "snap out of it" may be entirely chemical - in other words, he needs medication to help him dig out of the hole he's in. I'm sure you know this, having dealt with some of the mental health issues with your sister and mother. And many people (men especially) seem to think it's some kind of sign of weakness to take medication for depression - but I hardly think your husband is in any position to argue on this one. Off to the doctor he goes.
In terms of your anger over the situation... yeah, I think it's understandable that you're angry, even though, as you acknowledge, it's not entirely rational. I felt like that when my husband was laid off (his company closed its doors), and we ended up losing our house. You're burned out on this situation, and the man you're dealing with right now is not the man you married, through no fault of his own. Which totally sucks!
I would suggest counseling. Sounds to me like you are so burned out on this whole situation, which you have every right to be. Hopefully the counselor can help you sort through your feelings and figure out where you want to go from here. You've got to take care of yourself and put your own mental health first, so you can be there for your son!
Oh dear, how difficult for you. Have you brought up counseling? I'd say that's number one, for him and maybe for you or as a couple, but I'd encourage him to go first. I'm not totally sure but if he's retired police doesn't he get some sort of pension, can that go toward therapy or does it maybe include doctor's bills/insurance? I guess that's the only real advice I have. It sounds like you are being as understanding as you can be and he seems to acknowlege that he's not adjusting or being "normal" so ask him how he thinks he's going to change and what resources he needs to do it!
It sounds like he needs a purpose. Maybe he can find a job at a fst food place, or a temp agency. It's probably not what he wants but it will give him a purpose. If that doesn't work, he could volunteer for the boys club or a church group or something to get him out of the house and involved in life.
So sorry your dealing with this. Are there counseling resources through the police force that he has access to? Can you encourage him to volunteer to get him engaged in something that has meaning for him (and directs the focus away from what he isn't doing) ? Can his involvemen with your son increase (though school, sport like activities, etc)?
The more engaged he is, the more productive he'll feel. And that might help combat some of the depression associated with being unemployed. Can he return to school in some manner to increase his skill sets and thereby his employment potential.
If you can find some resources that can give him an additional support system (like some sort of psychological or career counseling ) then the burden won't all fall on you
PS Just read that he said he'll seek help after he gets a job! The time to seek help is now, in coping with the void
Maybe the first step you could take with your husband would be for him to speak w/his doctor about things and see where things go from there. My husband was prescribed an anti-depressant a few months after being diagnosed w/cancer for depression b/c he was later laid off from his job of 23 yrs and he sunk into a deep depression. It is wonderful that your husband is still doing things with you son, that was one of the few things my husband still did was take part in our daughters lives. It got to a point where I would have to remind him to do things you would think a person would normally do. However, having been diagnosed bipolar over 18 yrs ago, I know what depression can do and I know that the more I push, the more of a fight there can be given on the other end. So a lot of times, I have chosen my battles cautiously. I wish you much luck with things with your husband and I hope that things work out all around for all of you.
He needs an outlet. I use to get very depressed, especially in the winter because I was stuck inside or at work all the time (I have a mood disorder and have been in and out of hospitals so it got bad) I started working out a lot and took up dancing. Things got a lot better. Not perfect but alot better. I understand the financial stress too. My husband works two jobs to support us and its often still not enough. I worry sometimes, but I know that he worries alot more because he feels that as a man he should be able to provide for his family. I think a lto of men worry about this and there is not alot you can do. You can suggest counsceling but don't use those words. Tell him you know he has been stressed, and ask if he would like someone to talk to about it. Tell him sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is sort if a stranger because you don't have to worry about their reaction. I know your money is tight, alot of places work on sliding scales, you could end up paying next to nothing.
It looks like your son is in daycare so what does your husband do all day? If he doesn't have a job and hasn't had any luck, I'm not surprised he's depressed... Or if he mainly is the caregiver to your son, that's not always up a man's alley. He was a police officer so likely went into that profession bc he had a certain type of personality that I don't necessarily equate with a man who would be happy being a SAHD. I'm female and would have had a hard time being a SAHM when my children were that young. I understand how unfair all this is to you though. So don't feel bad you're frustrated. But as someone who has taken anti-depressants and seen a PROFOUND change in my outlook, I would recommend he try them. He needs a plan as to what he's going to do with the rest of his life and maybe he needs to be in a better state of mind to even make that plan or to follow-through. A regular doctor can prescribe an antidepressent. I assume as a retired PO, he gets some kind of benefits. Or I see in one post you were looking at allocating $100/month each for fun money so use that. My husband never would have made it 3 years in your husband's position and I think many men wouldn't. It's not really sustainable. But I do think it can be fixed! I thnk his state of mind likely has more to do with his stagnating than being a father.
Hello, I would INSIST that he get professional help for his depression or whatever is bothering him. I would not take "no" for an answer.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
Is he getting an medical help? Does he have a therapist?
That might be a good place to start.
Good luck!
I'm glad to hear that things seem to be looking brighter. However, I strongly advise you to find a free support group for both yourself and your husband. I know you say you're the "healthy" one - but your anger / frustration means that you have issues that need to be resolved as well. I've suffered from clinical depression on and off for several years before I started taking meds. My husband was the "strong one" until he cracked under the strain of caring for me and our kids! We went for marriage counselling and this helped us both realise that our problems were NOT with each other and our bad financial situation, but actually came from our childhood experiences! It was so worth it - we'll celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary in February and our marriage is stronger than ever. Good luck!
