Need Advice - Irwin,PA

I feel really sad to hear about your situation because it sounds like you feel like your power is gone, and that tends to puts you/us in "victim mode" and make us act defensive. When you felt like your husband's "equal" you may have had very high standards as well and maybe weren't always as supportive as you could have been. It sounds to me like maybe your problem didn't just begin. It sounds to me like maybe your relationship with your husband has been on the "back burner" for a longer period of time and the disfunction is just now being noticed. The first step to changing a situation is awareness of it. So it is good that you are noticing. You should keep on observing your own behavior. Maybe start a journal of what you've said to your husband and label it as positive/negative. Maybe make two columns so you can see how much of your interaction is which. They say when dealing with children, that for one negative there must be seven positives to balance it out!!!! Keep this in mind when you speak to your husband. If he is still connected during sex, take the time of tenderness afterwards to get him to open up, and don't be surprised if he spills some hurtful things. Don't respond right away if he does. Write it down in your journal.
Good luck,
N

J.,

It sounds like you are really having a hard time. Switching jobs, moving, buying and selling houses, that is all so stressful. Is there a way you guys could leave the kids with your parents and go away for a long weekend to re-connect? If you feel like that isn't going to be enough, I'd encourage you to speak with a marriage councilor or your pastor (rabbi, whatever) for some ideas about how to communicate better.

Good luck to you.

Hi J.,

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through such a difficult time. It sounds as if all the recent changes might have put a great deal of pressure on your marriage. Have you considered couple's counseling? It might help you both re-learn how to communicate and relate to one another under the new circumstances and changes in your marriage. It is difficult to change our own patterns without enough support and a third party that is objective could be helpful. Good luck I hope this change for the better soon.

The transition to SAHM can be so difficult. Your family has had a lot of changes to adjust to. The dynamic in your marriage has changed - and after a long unavoidable separation. Forgive him and yourself for stuggling to reconnect and try to move past it. You're both the same people you always were, but maybe your needs have changed.

Years ago my husband and I went through some big changes individualy and as a couple. We were fighting constantly and both unhappy about the way of things. Finally, we had a long talk about who we wanted to be as a father/mother, husband/wife, man/woman. We realized that we both wanted to meet the others needs, but sometimes those changes take time. Try to focus on the bigger picture and stay positive. I wish you well.

J.,
It takes two to tango. Personally I would not argue with him. It's not helping and IS hurting the situation. It takes a lot of guts and determination and strength to make the decision to be a help, of help, encouraging, etc. and to settle into roles that are different--not better or worse--just different than they once were. Men perceive this "starting of discussions" as nagging, plain and simple and we all hate nagging. My advice to you: treat him as you wish to be treated and make sure you have a positive attitude every day. Take you SAHM role seriously as you would a job and run your household efficiently and smoothly. Once you de-focus on the situations right under your nose, you will see the bigger picture and everything will fall into place. You may find that your husband will initiate more discussion when you initiate less of it. Good luck!