Need Advice...! - Warrensburg,MO

Sounds like you did a great job dealing with it. I had to deal with this with my son when he was only 5. It's hard to deal with! But again I think you did great.

Sounds to me you handled it pretty well. Where did she hear this from that she was gonna play sex. Its weird that a child her age would come up with words like that. PLAY SEX. Possibly heard it from her friend she was with and her friend heard if from someone. Maybe find out. Could be something going on somewhere else that made her say those words.

Well, I can reassure you that it's not that new. When I was in kindergarten some kids had accidentally seen their parents have sex, and during nap time we would try and figure out how it was done (not simulating sex-- just trying to find out the mechanics. Was it the belly button, as one girl said? Or the pee-pee hole? But that was too small!). Then in second grade a group of us got caught in the boy's bathroom showing each other our privates. That was the early 80's... And my parents were REALLY conservative when it came to sex and television and movies, so I have no idea where I could have gotten it, although it may just be an instinct kids have to try and figure things out. It sounds like you did a good thing talking to her calmly (my mom wigged out, so naturally I got more curious. Oops!). Good luck!

We are going thru a book right now called Preparing your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle (they have one for sons too) It goes thru everything from a to z. If you feel your daughter is too young for something then you can skip parts until she is ready. It is a book you read first then do the second half with your daughter. My husband and I both sit down with them and go thru the book. Our girls are 10 and 11, but we know people whose kids were as young as 7 when they went thru the book. You are right that kids are growing up too fast and with all the babies being born of teens now a days all we can do is educate our children on what is right an wrong and let them make the decision as to what they should do. Prayerfully they'll choose right. We want an open relationship with our children and this book is helping with that. Give them the tools they need and they will be better equipped to handle what is thrown their way. You have made the first move by talking to your daughter and not punishing her. Good luck and God Bless.

The reason parents are frightened about discussing this issue with their children is because they do not think it out in advance and have a plan for what kind of discussions to have at what age. So, find your calmness and remember that this is just another part of parenting that you want to think through thoroughly. If you wait until they are ready for college before you think about how to help fund it, you may not be able to help. If you wait until they are teenagers to start developing healthy sexual attitudes, they have already developed them without you, healthy or not.

I wouldn't worry too much about your DD's age. When I was a kid it was called playing 'doctor', because people took their clothes off for the doctor and all we really wanted to do was to see what was always covered up. There were no sexual impulses, just mystery. This is a very normal age for this to happen. The more nervous the adults get about the subject, the more mysterious the whole thing becomes and the more curious children become. But, when I was a kid, we had no real concept of sex. Today, if a kid wakes up in the middle of the night and someone fell asleep watching a movie on HBO, there is no telling what young eyes might be exposed to! Kids can run across images of politicians having sex on Youtube. I don't think what happened with your DD is happening younger, but the context has changed because it is almost impossible to keep sexual images away from our children, even in commercials. We only pretended to give each other a shot, so there wasn't much touching going on. But, we knew we had to close the door and not let our parents see us playing 'doctor'. We didn't get caught and I don't think any of us were harmed. Today, all it takes is one kid in a classroom who spent the weekend with an older cousin who had a video and suddenly all our children have some twisted ideas about sex. I'll never forget letting our son spend the night with a friend (a very nice family) at age 11. His friend's older cousin spent the night as well and brought a video. I almost choked when my son came home asking questions I don't want to publicize. But, I was very glad that we had discussed things well enough so that he was very comfortable asking me those questions.

Because of my work, I sometimes help parents find healthy ways to deal with this subject. I do feel it is important to give children the facts. If they are going to know something, let them know the truth. Misinformation is more harmful than real informtion. But, the primary information I like to focus on is the fact that we are talking about reproductive organs and the potential harm or good that results from our choices. You can tell them that we protect this area because this is the place where a mother and father make a baby together. In religious terms, you can say that this is where God lets mommies and daddies share in creating His children - that it is a beautiful thing, and that we have to take special care of such a wonderful thing. I feel children should be helped to respect this as a sacred thing and a sacred part of their body that they are responsible to protect for their well being as well as for their children and our grandchildren. I think they should know that 'playing around' with our reproductive organs can spread dangerous diseases AT ANY AGE and can lead to teenagers becoming parents before they are able to provide for their children's needs. I also think they should know that there are emotions and feelings associated with sex that would be difficult for children to manage and that when people 'play' with sex, they are playing with feelings and it is very easy to hurt someone's feelings very badly when people 'play' this way.

I feel it is best to help children develop an attitude that respects the potential power of their design with a sense that they have been entrusted to protect themselves because they and their future family are worth protecting. So, from the beginning, teach them that giving in to curiosity and physical impulses is not an expression of love and caring. Control and moderation is an expression of love and caring and respect.

If you develop this attitude in the primary years, you have a better foundation for discussions when puberty and the teen years arrive. Then you can remind them that sexual organs are not personal little toys. The misuse of these organs can severely change their lives, the lives of their children, as well as the lives of all their parents and siblings. Once they are teenagers, I feel it is important for them to consider the possibilities of the far reaching emotional and practical results of irresponsible sex. And they need to hear this in very practical language. Ask them what they think might happen if they 'play' in this arena. They often have romantic notions that need clarification. Be patient, respectful, and encouraging with them, but make sure they really understand that if they play marriage, they will likely end up playing divorce and custody battles and these are not fun games to play. They might also end up playing 'doctor' in a very serious way.

In many cultures, young women are taught that the only man who has the right to be welcomed to share this sacred space is the man who will devote his life to protect her and her children. I love it when I see a young woman who knows that a man has to prove himself worthy. I love it when a young man knows that he would never want to have sex with a woman he would not want his children to call "mama". Many think this is old fashioned, but there is too much evidence that these principles are healthier principles to live by. I know kids who were raised with these realistic and balanced attitudes and they are happier people. I also know people whose children have AIDS and others who are helping their teens raise children. I'd rather struggle against notions of promiscuity than to struggle with these difficulties. As they say, choose your battles.

Once you've helped your DD discover the appropriate attitude, it is time to satisfy the curiosity. There are great books available today that give just the right amount of biological information in language a kid can understand, along with enough graphics to satisfy curiosity. A local bookstore will probably have just the thing.

Finally, it is tremendously helpful to teach your child how to respond when another child suggests that they 'play' sex. Most children, no matter how much you have taught them, will cave in and go along with another child's suggestion if they do not know a really good way to say, "No". You can teach them to say something like, "Oh, that's family stuff. My mom taught me all about it. She got a really good book to show me. If you want to see it, your mom can call my mom." Believe me, spending the time to help your kids know how to respond to various situations is probably the most important protection they will ever need. I love it when a kid is offered drugs and responds with, "Do you have any idea what that can do to you? Don't you think you're worth taking care of?" But, they can't say that with confidence if they don't know a little biochemistry and can reference some real outcomes. I know a doctor that started a program called, "Say NO, But KNOW Why". When he was finished with a kid, they knew how to say no with knowledge and confidence.

I don't think your response was wrong in any way, but I do think there is a bit more to be done before you will feel comfortable about the situation. Once you have decided what to tell your DD, you may want to call the other parents and let them know how you and your husband are handling it. It will not only help the children if the parents have some continuity of information and understanding, but it will give you a chance to confront the situation with confidence and bring it to closure so that you won't feel embarrassed next time you see them publicly. And get the girls together again soon for something they enjoy. The more time passes without resolution, the more out of proportion this becomes in their minds.

Hope these ideas provide you some helpful food for thought. And, if the mom who wonders about how hubby's grabby hands look to her 4 y/o is reading this, you might want to ask your husband if he wants his daughter to think it's okay for boys to treat her that way when they play house or when she is a teenager. If he wouldn't touch you that way in front of the neighbors, he probably shouldn't touch you that way in front of a child. It is one thing to be cuddly and affectionate. It is another thing to be disrespectful. If he wants his daughter to expect to be respected, it needs to be modeled in the home. But, it probably won't help to criticize hubby. Rather, tell him that you want his thoughts about parenting and if he would be willing to step back with you and reconsider the way the two of you are modeling everything from problem solving attitudes to sexual attitudes. I honestly didn't know that I growled when I was frustrated until I heard my son do it! Remember, we are all learning parenting as a hands on project. So, open it for discussion, but avoid being critical. Otherwise, you will likely end up modeling a pattern of difficult relationships.

J.,
I think it's perfectly natural for kids to be curious about sex. As one of the other mom's said, when I was younger it was playing "doctor". It's no big mystery where she heard the word sex. It's everywhere and hard to keep out of earshot all the time. But, as one of the other mom's also said, I was wondering what you had to stay "calm" about. Were you just nervous about the "sex" talk, or were you angry that the incident occurred? I think giving her a bath and making her stay in her room sent her the wrong message. You want your daughter to grow up comfortable with her body and willing to come to you with problems and concerns. I think it is good you explained to her about sex not being a game and I know it is hard for any parent to talk about this with their children. Good luck.

I think you handled it great. Since kids at her school may be "educating" her on sex and body changes I thought I would recommend a book my girls ped. recommended, it is Growing up girls, it is part of the American girl series and helps with discussing the changes their bodies go through over the next few years.

J., sounds like you did a great job staying calm = )
My only daughter is 8 and reading your experience is scary for me too. I think keeping it simple is a good idea. I think explaining that it is something that is for "mommys and daddys that love each other and want to make a baby" is a good idea. I have tried to educate my daughter and keep it on a need to know basis, while trying to balance her not feeling ashamed of her body, that no one should touch her inappropriately and that if anyone did she should tell me.
It is a scary world. I think that the statistics are one in 3 girls will be sexually abused ( Scary!!!)
I am glad you did not punish her, it is natural to be curious.
Lots of luck
B.

My child did that at 3. Honestly I don't think it's a big deal at all. Simply a great starting off place to talk about boundries.

J., it sounded like you handled it perfectly.

I'm surprised at your reaction; why on earth would you have to try not to cry? This is perfectly normal behavior. These children are not becoming curious any younger than children ever have. You did the right thing to tell them that privates are privates and sex is not a game. And of course you should not discuss sex with another person's child. But you missed an opportunity to ask your daughter if she has any questions. Answer them truthfully, but only with age appropriate information. I'm afraid she feels like you punished her, and she didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to teach her that sex and her body are wrong and disturbing to teach her that she should not be having sex until she is married. Try to get a handle on why you are so uncomfortable about this so you can help your daughter feel okay about her body. That's very important.

To echo what other moms have said, I think you handled it very well. I agree that asking her questions about what she knows, etc. will keep your communications a discussion, not a lecture. Let us know what works for you -- we'll all face this at one time or another.

I was WAY younger than your daughter ! I was 4 yrs old when I got completely naked with a boy, then again when I was 5 yrs old. My parents handled it my beating my butt, so you did a good job :)

Ya know, I have been wondering about this. About what is ok and not ok for the kids to see. I have been yelling at my husband because he can be quite the perv when we are at home. He thinks its funny to grope me and stuff when I walk by, hes laid off right now so he has a lot of time on his hands. My daughter is almost 4 and shes seen him do stuff (nothing R rated) and shes said "ewww what are you doing?" I guess you could call it flirting between him and I (mostly him). But is she going to wonder and pick up on things? Shes only 4 now so how will it be when shes 8? Are we supposed to hide everything from them? When they are around all of the time its kind of hard. I would have freaked out to, but what do you do, pretend like it doesnt exsist while our kids are around? This is a tough one and I know my day is coming. I feel for you and because of this we are going to be ALOT more careful!

Hmm that is a tricky one. Before answering I am wondering how others would respond. I think having a reasonable talk was needed in regards that it is natural to be curious about ones body and understandable. The talk on privates was perfect timeing. I am not so sure about making her take a bath or sending her to her room unless it was her bath time. I am not sure if your daughter is in day care or was in her early days. However your child is around bunches of children that in one way or another hear and learn about their bodies. My youngest was in preschool, about 3 or 4 when I picked him up one day and he look at me and said Mom did you know I have a hole in my butt. Shocked and trying not to show my astonishment, I ask him how he heard about this and he said one of the other kids his friend. They were in the bath room when his friend spoke up, heh you know you have a hole in your bum, and then bent over to show him. Now I realize this is gross but when you look at it from a childs point of view I amaigine it was a ahaa moment. Also some are around older siblings that may tease about this, it was bound to come up. I myself never even thought about it, but a child perspective it is all new. One thing I am sure of Children never came with instruction books and every child is unique and must be handled the best we know how. It is a good thing there is a place like this to ask questions.
I wish when my kids were young I had a place online like this. Then there is the super nanny program on, she has some really good techniques that I could have used. But I did the best I could and both of my children grew up to be responsible loving adults. Even if the one is rather holey! LOL

Hi J.,

Sounds like you handled it well. The only thing I might question is when you made her take a bath. Were you making her bathe because she did a dirty thing, or was it just her normal bath time? If it was because she did a bad thing, she may relate to this when she's an adult and have issues when she's intimate. So much of what happens when you're a child effects how you are when you're an adult. I just wanted to throw this out there, but I think you handled it well by staying calm.

It's a shock to discover that your innocent child has a concept of sex (believe me, I know!) We can't make the error of a) forgetting our own childhood curiosities, b) forgetting that as our children grow, we lose some of our exclusive influence on their thoughts and behaviors, c) not realizing that we live in much more expressive world than the one we were raised in, and d) not realizing our children are brilliant and are able to comprehend matters more fully than we give them credit for.

Sex was such a 'gasp' word when I was younger, even though sex was everywhere. Now, we encounter the word or some symbolism of sexuality in our culture many times per day. But we make the mistake of thinking that our kids don't notice it.

When I dealt with this issue with my own 8yo son (who announced in his classroom that he has sex with his teddy bear...) I was blown away. But, I had to handle the situation just like I did when he asked how caterpillars turn into butterflies! I asked him to tell me what he thought the word sex meant (it’s when moms and dads hug and kiss), what ways he has heard the word used, what kinds of chats he has had with his friends about it...I just probed his brain about it so that I could get an understanding of what he thought about it.

It was very enlightening. So, talk to your daughter. Don't believe for a second that if you don't mention it again, it will go away. Your main task now is to take the 'gasp' out of sex so that you aren't still treating it like a mysterious secret, and talk to your daughter. Engage her in conversations about what her definitions are, what the kids say at school, and about how you 'play sex.' Ask her if she has questions about her body or about anything else. You freaked out because you know what sex is and you assumed that she did too. But you have been presented with a great opportunity to become your daughter's go-to person about all of her questions!

Good luck to you both.

Lol, youre right, kids are thinking about sex waaay too early. Theyre just kids for Heaven's sake! But you handled the situation with expertise! Good for you! Most kids ask about sex younger than 8 in my experience. Anywhere between 4-6!! Its crazy! Just be open and honest with your daughter. She doesnt need to know all the details obviously but the more open you are about it, the more likely she wont be "experimenting" when she's a bit older. Children often experiment because A.) its natural and B.) theyre curious because they dont know much about it. The more she knows and the more comfortable she is coming to you with her questions, the better off youll both be. Hang in there, I know it must be tough. You did great talking to her, keeping your cool, and notifying the parents. Good job! Many parents would have blown up and that never helps any situation. You dont want to teach her that her parts are bad or that sex is bad, and by blowing up she may have thought that. Continue keeping calm and talking to her like a person. No secrets, just the basics about it. Let her know she can always come to you with her questions about it but also that it is something that grown ups do when theyre married (if thats what you want to teach her). Good luck!!

Good Morning J., you did just fine Mama! You kept calm and followed though! You communicated at her age level which is awesome.

Now IF I COULD figure out how to keep my DIL from spreading the news on how much our 9 yr old grand daughter is maturing I would be in A state of bliss.
Just might have to ask all the mama's out there to help me out later.

God Bless you J. you did a good job. I just remembered a book I picked up at Wal-Mart for our GD, last yr. I think it is called something like You and Your body. Shows in kid speak how their bodies change, develope etc. Our son was looking though it and told me it even showed how to apply a tampon. Of course our GD said I'm not doing ANYTHING like that.....lol God Bless her, wish she didn't have to either...lol

take care J., awesome job
K. Nana of 5

J.:

First of all, stay calm (it sounds like you did).You want to make sure that your daughter is comfortable coming to you, and talking about these types of issues. There are many great books out there, geared towards young children, about good/bad touch and respecting your private parts. Do not make her feel "dirty" or punish her. She was probably just experimenting. Sit down and have an open, honest talk with her and let her know that you are always there for her (open line of communication). Also, teach her what to do if someone gives her a "bad touch" and who she can tell.

A. L

J., I have a 7 year old little boy and although I haven't experienced this yet, I'm sure it is coming. I think for me, I'd start asking questions. Like, where did you here about sex, what do you know about sex. Mostly because I would want my child to have accurate information. Ask her if she has any questions about sex, what it is, ect. I would also express strongly that this is something for two married people, two adults, etc. But I think I would be trying to find out the facts of when, how, where she found out about it to get the idea to begin with. I hope that helps. Good luck