This is so embarassing to even say but my neighbor just came over and there was an insident a couple of weeks ago where the kids were behind our shed and the other boy came out with his pants undone I freaked out and told his mom about it and she just thought that his pants came undone and said that those pants done stay buttoned.
Well tonight I guess the other boy told his mom that they kissed and that my son kissed his private area. Where in the world would they even know about that stuff. My son won't talk to us about it he just keeps saying he doesn't know what happened that they were just playing with the buckets. What do I do??? They ride the same bus they are in the same Kindergarten class together but we as I mean both parents said that they can no longer play together at least not right now. Please help me I never thought I'd have to deal with this at an early age!!!
First of all my son is not abused on the other hand I can't say that the other kid isn't. He does have an older brother and sisters. We do believe our son when he says nothing happened and we think that the other kid is making it up to stay out of trouble himself. I do appreciate all of your help with the matter and I do think that keeping them away from each other is the best option for us and my son.
I really don't have any advice. but I just want to tell you I am so sorry. I don't know what I would do. hang in there. maybe talk to the dr and see if she has any advice or someone at his school. thats what we pay them for. best wishes. hope it doesn't cause you any friend problems
wow.
when my son was 4-5 y/o, he was in a very good daycare, and there was another little boy who was very into others 'private parts' both girls and boys. he had reached into my sons pants one day even. the daycare brought in people from a sexual assult place to discuss, in a very age appropriate way, normal issues, and information to the kids on normal touch and uncomfortable inappropriate touch.
they strongly suspected that the boy had been / was being sexually molested.
the most common molesters aren't preists and stangers - its freinds and family members!!!! a very high percentage is by someone we know and trust. and it usually comes with a threat to not tell anyone.
OR- if your son had watched an adult level show and was trying something he saw...
OR - its something with the other kid and he's telling what happened to him, but saying it was your son (some one safe) instead of who really did the kissing to him... that is often common in younger children - to blame it on someone other then the real culprit...
Read up on signs of molestation in children. Its more common than people often realize...
the place that came to talk to my sons daycare brought spiderman comic books telling a story about a child whos babysitter wanted to play in inappropriate ways...
Good luck, and try not to be freaked out when you talk to your son. if something has happened then it is stopable and 'fixable'.
Take a deep breath! I know this is frightening, but it's not as bad as it seems. This in a sense is normal behavior. We have hormones & in a sense know about sexuality from birth. It's not always taught & it's not always about what a child has seen (although it can play a factor) If both of you are certain neither of your children have ever been violated by an older person then it was children in exploratory play. This happens alot especially at this age. They do, however, have to be taught in a non threatening manner that these are their own private areas & we shouldn't show them to other people or look at others & not to touch each others. Please do not make them feel ashamed. This could lead to worse problems later on. They just neeed to be taught about boundaries. It is a good idea to make sure they are only playing in areas where they can be seen for a while & to reinforce this issue every so often with a talk about their body parts & how they are theirs. They need to know this incase of an older person approaching them about these things. There's several books (children's stories) out that can help with this. I don't know any names off the top of my head, but you should be able to look them up at a bookstore (maybe in the psychology dept). It sounds like you and the other parents have a good line of communication & aren't doing finger pointing so that is good, also.
S., I agree with Ruth!! If you keep them separated, it could make things a lot worse!! Their little, they have no clue that they violated any rules!! It could be a big misunderstanding, and nothing was meant by it!! All children go thru this at some point either girl/girl, boy/girl or boy/boy, age 5 is a very curious age! I dont know if one or both of you as parents kiss boo boos or not, but in my dauhters case that was all it was!! That was when we had the privates are called private for a reason talk, and the no one should ever touch you there with minor exceptions of mom or dad and only when bathing, and kissing of boo boos dont occure if its around the mid secion etc. With my other daughter, we went to St. Louis and stayed at a hotel, they had bad XXX channels and we never dreamed that our daughter would get up in the middle of the night and be able to get such channels, she did, and she started asking very sexual ?'s!! It could be that they (one or both) saw part of a movie, by accident or seen a magazine! We had thought the worst, but one day, soon after she just told us that she saw people on tv do it and was curious!! Try explaining something you never saw, I had no clue what movie she watched or its content!! I was majorly relieved, cause with her ??'s we had thought someone had molested her, and took her to the Dr. That, Thank God was not the case!! Although if he does spend a lot of time elsewhere, you should have him checked out by a dr. just for peace of mind!! It could also be that the other boy was mad at him, and had already had that talk, and just wanted to get him in trouble, I have seen that happen too!! Which ever way it happened you dont want to scar them for life!! Mark it up as a lesson learned, and if your still uncomfortable, when they are playing together, just keep a closer eye on them and make sure they dont disappear behind anymore sheds!! Good Luck!!
Hi S., I have gone through this with my just turned six yr. old and his cousin who just turned 7. It seems to have occured a year or so ago and I think it's the cousin who initiated it. I am guessing they are comparing things and being curious but it does make me extremely upset and my son gets very embarassed and the cousin doesn't seem to be upset. I have only spoke to my sis in law about it once but I don't remember what the response is but I just wonder exactly what is going through their little minds to cause them to act this way. I am reading all of the responses to try and figure out what is an appropriate way to deal with this, good luck with finding out what the deal is, I know I'll be looking for answers.
M.
I really don't think anyone can be so adamant one way or the other about why this is happening. It could be normal experimenting. But it could be that one of the children has been molested. It also could be that one of them has accidentally been exposed to this behavior, seeing parents or pornography if any of it is in the house or if they saw it online. I have seen ALL of these things in the daycare through the years.
I don't believe you will be harming your son if you tell him that his privates are private and it's not acceptable for children to talk about, touch, or look at anyone else's privates. But I also don't believe you should offer a lot of explanation. You could tell them that other people don't like it or understand it. You could tell them that private parts are only seen or touched when people are married to each other. But that's probably way too much info for 5 year olds! I do believe that you'll have a better idea about what's happening if you watch them both. If either or both of the boys participate in this sort of thing with other children anytime in the next little while then there is more at work.
I remember playing show and tell with a little neighbor boy when I was a kid. In fact, we did it several times. We were caught at times too. In our case it was because our parents were so into sex and hid nothing from us. I was also molested 3 times later after that time and because of it I wonder if I was molested as a baby and just don't remember it. Naturally, I take this situation VERY seriously! It's a scary world we live in and I believe this is always a HUGE red flag.
Suzi
The most important thing is to not over react...this means a WHOLE lot more to you adults...than it does to those 5 year old boys. By telling them that they can no longer play together you are making it carry a lot more weight than it should. Now is the time for an age appropriate talk about respecting other people and appropriate and inappropriate touching. Do not make them "ashamed" or correct them over this...just tell them that it was not appropriate and explain about respecting your own body and respecting others. This is a great time to start laying the groundwork for these young men to be respectful of the girls that they will be dating in a few years. I am sure if you go to the public library that you would be able to find some good books that would give you some really solid guidance in how to approach this. The most important thing is to let your young son know that you love him, and that this hasnt changed anything about him or about the way you feel about him!!!
I almost hesitate to mention this...but is there a possibility that one or the other of the little boys has been touched inappropriately in the past and is just "acting out"? Hopefully this is not the case and this is just a case of innocent play.
I would be interested in hearing a follow up to this..and see how things are going.
R. Ann
I agree with Ruth Ann about the possibility of someone having been touched inappropriately in the past. I would certainly investigate. You might want to seek out a professional therapist who specializes in younger child therapy. For some reason, kids tend to be more "comfortable" telling their secrets to a stranger--no fear of getting in trouble. Good luck to you. God bless you!
J.
I have had this talk with my son he is 5 tommorow that his pee pee is private and that it is his and nobody should touch him there only mom or dad when he is hurt.Even his pediatricain told him last yr at his well visit because he held his pants so tight he wouldn't let her look she thought I did a good job in explaining to him his private anyway I catch my daughter looking at her brothers pee pee while he is getting ready for a bath sometimes she'll go right up to him and touch it she is only 19 months old and curious on how it works she has noticed hers isn't like that and neither is his.I get her distracted away from him since I feel they don't need to touch in that way he yells for me mom sissy is trying to touch me and I go in after her alot of times now I have him shut the batroom door and get dressed in his room at least his underwear.Good Luck with him maybe it was something they tried and it is all over try to talk to him with asking going into detail what made him do it.But remember he may have forgotten already.
First let me say put the breaks on. These are five year old kids. Your son will not talk to you because of the way you are reacting to the situation and believe me he has already gotten the vibe that mom thinks that he did something wrong. My advice is to let his father take him out for an ice cream or something and have a man to man talk about the proper way to show affection to friends and family members. If the other parent will let their son go, have your husband or both husbands take him along as well.
We as parents don’t realize that our kids are watching everything that we do. It is possible that one of the boys saw mom and dad having some alone time and thought that since they were having fun why not try it. So you bear some responsibilities in this area as well. Make sure the door is locked even at night when you think they are a sleep.
Don’t band their friendship, just teach them the proper way to be friends and show affection at a five year olds age.
I think that this is experementing with someone they feel comfortable with. I dont think that it is different for girls. My daughter at 5 and a female friend of hers did this. Of course, we freaked away from the kids after we seperated them. They then continued to play, but we kept an eye on them. My daughter did this once more with a neighbor a few weeks later. Nothing happened after that. She is now a healthy happy girl of 18 who has been with her boyfriend now for 4 years. Try to take it easy, just keep your eyes open and everything should be fine:)
