I have been extremely hesitant to put this out there, because it is a highly sensitive topic for a lot of people, but I am hoping someone may have experienced a similar situation and be able to offer advice on how to better approach the situation. My mother is a wonderful woman and a phenomenal grandmother. She lives 8 hours away and it breaks my heart that my 5 month old son is growing up without spending a lot of time with her. My other nieces and nephews that live in the same town she does absolutely adore her and it makes me sad my little one may not have the same memories as they do. She has been to visit 3 times since he was born, and I have been to see her 2 times, so 5 altogether. Herein lies the problem...my mother is a smoker and while she does not smoke in our home, when she comes to visit, I can smell the smoke on her clothes when she comes back in the house. I have asked her to continously wash her hands and to remove her sweatshirt/coat/sweater that she wears when outside and she has agreed without any arguement. My husband and I have had many discussions about this, and before anyone posts links to how harmful smoking is for babies, I KNOW SMOKING is DANGEROUS. My question is this: am I doing enough by asking her to wash her hands and remove her clothing, or is there any other helpful and non-judgemental suggestions any other moms have for how they have handled this situation with the smokers in thier lives. Because the limited amount of time my son is around my mother, I am not willing to make this an "all or nothing" situation.
Thank you in advance for your helpful suggestions!
I cannot express enough thanks to everyone that has responded with so much support for my tough situation, I really really appreciate it! Thank you!!!!
I think what you're doing is just fine! My grandmother smokes like a chimney but she still loves on her great grandbabies! :)
You are doing great and I would leave it at that. She knows the danger for herself and she is preventing any danger for her grandchildren. Your baby will be just fine, like someone else said the extent of it may be he smells like smoke a little from being held. In reality, he will probably only allow others to hold him for a few more months so it will be even less of an issue then. Your mom is obviously a very positive person to have in your lives and I think you have handled it beautifully without hurting her but with being sure your baby has minimal exposure.
You have made pretty good decisions thus far! It's not that big of a deal to wash your hands and change your clothing before handling or being near the baby! Maybe you could ask her to cut down the number of cigarettes she smokes during the day while he is awake thus not needing to change, wash or even smell like smoke! Have her wash her stuff right before she comes or at your house so that her belongings do not smell of smoke! My inlaws smoke in their garage, which goes into their homes, and I am sure they think I am crazy, but I DON'T CARE! I basically just told them that if my child is around smoke the chances for Sids could increase, it's unhealthy anyway, and the smell is awful! They comply, but it's a constant battle to get them to do it on their own! I am glad your mother is not offended. Ihave read a few below and just to be clear...drs have told my best friend that even the smoke being on clothes is harmful...it's not just a smell...IT"S THE SMOKE-that's why it ruins paint on walls and clothes! I used to smoke. I am prego now so I do not, but just to be clear... Anyway, it seems you are doing fine w/it!
I think that asking her not to smoke in your home and washing her hands, perhaps changing her top is FINE... I don't think you should do more. She's your mom and you survived.
GOOD LUCK
It sounds like you're doing enough. The only other thing I might suggest would be if she would agree to keep a set of clothes at your home that's never exposed to smoke and change when she arrives. But, it seems that the small amount of the toxins from the smoke that might inflitrate her clothing and rub off on your son's clothes isn't too likely to cause much damage. However, if your son does later develop any allergies at all, I would then ask your mother to also shower and change when she comes to your home. I have chemical sensitivities and my father recently visited and was good about washing his clothing in unscented detergent before he came, using unscented deodorant, etc. When you explain why you need it done versus attacking her behavior personally, things should be fine.
I think you are one very lucky lady to have such a understanding and caring mother. You are asking her to the right thing and your mother is doing it without any problems. There is nothing that can happen to your baby from a smell. It would be like saying a fart is harmful cause it stinks...lol Congrats on your baby and I wouldnt do anything different than what you are doing.
I cannot say that I have dealt with this as no one in my family nor my hubby's family is a smoker. I think you AND your mom are doing everything you guys can. I think it is great that your mom has been very open to this and is working with you and following your wishes in your home. I know it bothers you but I am sure that what is left on her will not effect your child's health. He may pick up the scent on his clothing when she holds him but that is probably the extent of it. I believe it is the actual second hand smoke that he would breath in if she were in the same room as him smoking that would effect him. You are a great mom for standing your ground and your mom is a great grandma for working with you for your son's benefit. Good luck!
My mother smoked when she was pregnant with me and all the way up until the year my first child was born. She stopped because she wanted to be around a lot longer for her grand daughter. I have never had any ill affects from being exposed to her second hand smoke that I am aware of. My husband's mother smoked up until her death from lung cancer in 2006, but she tried not to smoke when she was around our kids. Neither my husband, his sister, nor any of her grand kids, 20, 16, 8, 3 and 2 have shown any ill affects from being around her during their infancy and beyond. I know second hand smoke can be very detrimental, but at the same time, I think the precautions you and your mom are taking are more than what some other families do and their babies turn out just fine. I know there could just as easily be some issue with your son later on down the road that might make you think in retrospect that you didn't do enough, but you do have to draw the line somewhere. We can't put our kids in a bubble. They are going to be exposed to pollutants every day of their lives. You can limit it, but you have to determine in your mind, what you think is sufficient. I personally think what you are doing is more than we asked for from my mother-in-law, and again, my kiddos are fine. Not only that, I think now about the times they would have missed with their now deceased grandmother if we had been too careful about letting them spend time with her while she was here. The memories they have of spending time with her while she was alive is a gift I could not ever give them any other way.
I have the exact same issue with my father. It is so much that I hate to be even sitting at the same table as him because the smell disgusts me so much. But yes, I am doing the same as you. It is important for kids to spend time with their grandparents. I kind of hope one day that my son will tell my dad how bad he smells :) And, nope he won't get into trouble for it either ! LOL
You are doing what we do with my mom...she washes hands, smokes outside, our kids do not ride in her car (she takes ours if she is transporting them), and she has a couple of sweaters/shirts to put on when she is here and not smoking. It would be a very sad thing if our kids did not see her due to her smoking....they will be fine with these boundaries and I feel the relationship is more important than what little they do come in contact with.
Dear E.:
I think you are blowing it out of proportion. That little bit of smoke may smell bad, but it is not going to give a 5-month-old cancer. Washing hands is a good idea for many reasons, but smoking does not rank at the top. How about having her wait a few minutes after a smoke before she gets close to the baby? That should suffice.
Well, it's your call. You can have her strip naked, take a quarantine spray shower and wear a hair net plus rubber gloves...
Regards,
W.
It sounds to me as to what you are doing is about it. I grew up in a smoke filled home and stayed with grandparents that had a tiny cottage type house that was filled with smoke. I am fine and so is my brother.
It would be one thing for the baby to be in the room while she smoked, but it just being an odor on her clothes -as long as she smokes she will smell like it.
You should be very happy that she does all this without protests. I have had down right fights with my mom and in laws about it. I have fussed at complete strangers because even though they go outside-which ends up being right outside the door...I have to walk through it and smell like it. My inlaws didn't see my oldest for a long while when he was a baby because I refused to come to their house, because you could cut the smoke with a knife and this was 13 yrs ago and smoking was still sorta cool. My MIL finally quit after a throat cancer scare.
It is too bad you can't convince her to quit, but I know it is hard or I would thin and look like a model :) I am not sure where you live, but I am willing to bet the baby breaths in more pollution than what he does from the smell of your mom in their short visits.
Good luck!
I have been in the same situation, except it is with my mil. And my husband and i also smoke, we washed our hands and put a coat on when out side smoking, in fact we used that germ-x, that was fine i even asked the dr about it, he said that it was enough. I hope this helps you. As for anyone else who is reading this, i know smoking is harmful also, so please dont send me anything neg, or on how to quit, i will when im ready, thanks!!
from everything i've read, having a "smoking jacket" that your mother wears while smoking, then takes off when she comes in, plus washing her hands, should be sufficient. just remember that if she smokes in her car (even with the windows down), the smoke will be in there, too, so you might not want your son to ride in the car with her. and make sure when she's outside your house that she's not near any open windows
